Mimolicious Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Seriously? So you're saying that someone is being judgmental if they choose not to date an alcoholic? Or if they choose not to date a woman with three kids with three different fathers? Or if they choose not to date someone with a history of cheating? Or if they choose not to date someone with a violent temper? Or if they choose not to date someone with STDs? I don't think that's being judgmental; that's being smart. Most os what you mentioned are habits, mental & health issues. The woman with the 3 kids- that's a single parents that perhaps had difficult relationships, yet may be a wonderful human being victim of unfortunate bad judgment. That to me is straight up stereotype. Most likely if you are older than 18, you too have "baggage". Difference is, what you are willing to accept from another person. It's called having standards and whoever doesn't meet your expectations maybe can be labeled as "having too much baggage". Just have your definition of baggage squared away. What may be right for you, may not be right for others. Human kind is not one-size fits all! BubbleFreak- you honestly think your friend looks only for girls who have been victim of sexual abuse? I understand dating only blonds. Maybe you're friend is the one with a real "baggage" issue and needs to date vulnerable women? I second USMCHokie- with the third party not seeing it as "baggage". I actually call it "luggage" and I have a whole LV set of them. LOL!
TouchedByViolet Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I was (and sometimes still am) attracted to women who have the SAME type of baggage I do. I feel they can understand my situation and those who don't have this baggage will be turned off when they learn about it. For example, throughout my childhood I suffered emotional abuse from my mother and now feel more attracted to women who have suffered the same. Individuals are attracted to similar individuals so being able to understand, and relate to someone’s baggage is a form of attraction. Women with strong relationships with their mothers intimate me because I have no concept of it and will never experience it. They talk about how great this event and that event were with their mother but I have nothing to say or add. It sucks. Nobody wants to hear the sad stories, but at least those who have dealt with it will give empathy and not just feel pity. This came out sounding more sad than it should...
Mimolicious Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I was (and sometimes still am) attracted to women who have the SAME type of baggage I do. I feel they can understand my situation and those who don't have this baggage will be turned off when they learn about it. For example, throughout my childhood I suffered emotional abuse from my mother and now feel more attracted to women who have suffered the same. Individuals are attracted to similar individuals so being able to understand, and relate to someone’s baggage is a form of attraction. Women with strong relationships with their mothers intimate me because I have no concept of it and will never experience it. They talk about how great this event and that event were with their mother but I have nothing to say or add. It sucks. Nobody wants to hear the sad stories, but at least those who have dealt with it will give empathy and not just feel pity. This came out sounding more sad than it should... Have you ever thought that someone who may have a good mother-daughter relationship may be able to help you heal? I didn't grow up with my dad. He was murdered when I was a toddler. When I married my exH, I was actually static to now have a FIL as that father figure that I never had as a child. I am thankful to still have a good relationship with my in-laws. They are sent from heaven. Don't mean to sidetrack the subject but just wanted to give some insight on your post. Sharing the same unfortunate experiences sometimes may not allow the person to move past it. Of course, this is only in my experience that I can account for.
sally4sara Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 One person's baggage is another person's treasure. Some wisdom comes from books and some comes from life experience. The kind that one gets from life experience can be what another person considers "baggage". Would my husband have learned what he needed to know to keep me happy or recognize my good qualities if he had not dated some of the awful and some of the cool women he has known? Would I have been able to do the same with him if I had not gone through mine? Would I be the nurturer I am or as patient if I had not become a mother? Would he have been able to be as down to Earth as he is coming from an affluent back ground, if he had not gone through his familial struggles?
TouchedByViolet Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Have you ever thought that someone who may have a good mother-daughter relationship may be able to help you heal? I didn't grow up with my dad. He was murdered when I was a toddler. When I married my exH, I was actually static to now have a FIL as that father figure that I never had as a child. I am thankful to still have a good relationship with my in-laws. They are sent from heaven. Don't mean to sidetrack the subject but just wanted to give some insight on your post. Sharing the same unfortunate experiences sometimes may not allow the person to move past it. Of course, this is only in my experience that I can account for. I have thought of that and hope to meet someone with a good mother-daughter relationship but in my experience most of these women don't find me attractive. I totally agree with your last paragraph. I appreciate your personal experience and advice.
Author BubbleFreak Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 What may be right for you, may not be right for others. Human kind is not one-size fits all! BubbleFreak- you honestly think your friend looks only for girls who have been victim of sexual abuse? I understand dating only blonds. Maybe you're friend is the one with a real "baggage" issue and needs to date vulnerable women? I second USMCHokie- with the third party not seeing it as "baggage". I actually call it "luggage" and I have a whole LV set of them. LOL! Mimolicious, you seriously need to read posts properly before you launch attacks on people. I already said in the beginning that "baggage" is subjective, and if someone else thinks it is baggage doesn't mean you will. You have totally mixed up the examples I gave. I said I have a friend who has a pattern of dating girls that have emotional issues, NOT that they have been sexually abused, and I also said I was not sure if he was deliberately going for those girls or if it was just a coincidence. I gave two examples, the sexual abuse one was for someone I don't even know, that a work colleague told me about and AGAIN I said I was not sure if it was deliberate or coincidence. No matter if you call it "baggage" or "luggage", it's the same thing! I have not gotten a single helpful thing out of anything you have said, in anwering the question I asked.
Author BubbleFreak Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 I was (and sometimes still am) attracted to women who have the SAME type of baggage I do. I feel they can understand my situation and those who don't have this baggage will be turned off when they learn about it. For example, throughout my childhood I suffered emotional abuse from my mother and now feel more attracted to women who have suffered the same. Individuals are attracted to similar individuals so being able to understand, and relate to someone’s baggage is a form of attraction. Women with strong relationships with their mothers intimate me because I have no concept of it and will never experience it. They talk about how great this event and that event were with their mother but I have nothing to say or add. It sucks. Nobody wants to hear the sad stories, but at least those who have dealt with it will give empathy and not just feel pity. This came out sounding more sad than it should... This makes sense to me. OFCOURSE someone would prefer to date someone who can empathise with them rather than someone who just pities. It deepens the emotional connection. Thank you for your insight.
Author BubbleFreak Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 I want to reiterate that my thread is not about attacking people if they choose to date someone with "baggage" or if they choose to not date someone with "baggage". These are just choices we make for ourselves. If we wanted to debate the rightness and wrongness of these choices, I'm sure we could fight all day. Also reiterating that "baggage" is subjective. And I already understand that if you observe other people to have baggage, someone else who is dating them might not. In this thread I have learnt that what I see as baggage could actually be attractive to other people, whether I think the reasons are healthy or not. I have already gotten great responses from people actually answering my question, insight from people that do and don't date people with what they deem as baggage. Gray Cloud's article was also helpful. More relevant responses are welcome.
Star Gazer Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 One person's baggage is another person's treasure. Some wisdom comes from books and some comes from life experience. The kind that one gets from life experience can be what another person considers "baggage". Would my husband have learned what he needed to know to keep me happy or recognize my good qualities if he had not dated some of the awful and some of the cool women he has known? Would I have been able to do the same with him if I had not gone through mine? Would I be the nurturer I am or as patient if I had not become a mother? Would he have been able to be as down to Earth as he is coming from an affluent back ground, if he had not gone through his familial struggles? Love your perspective.
Author BubbleFreak Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 One person's baggage is another person's treasure. Some wisdom comes from books and some comes from life experience. The kind that one gets from life experience can be what another person considers "baggage". Would my husband have learned what he needed to know to keep me happy or recognize my good qualities if he had not dated some of the awful and some of the cool women he has known? Would I have been able to do the same with him if I had not gone through mine? Would I be the nurturer I am or as patient if I had not become a mother? Would he have been able to be as down to Earth as he is coming from an affluent back ground, if he had not gone through his familial struggles? OMG I totally missed your post because of my rant! I can totally see how past hardships can shape a person to become who they are today. Thanks for your post.
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