Choosing to date someone with "baggage"

[BubbleFreak]

Why do some people deliberately seek to date those with "baggage"?

 

I know everyone has problems, and I'm not talking about dating someone to find out later they have issues. I'm talking about people that only go after someone they deem to have "baggage". Baggage could be anything seen by others as unappealing in a potential partner, it's subjective.

 

Some motives I can think of are wanting to feel like a "hero". Or feeling like they don't deserve any better. Or easier to please someone who doesn't expect much anyway. Or they see baggage as inevitable because of age and inevitable life experiences, thereby making it a non-issue.

 

But I really don't understand it. Personally I'd go for someone without "baggage". What are your thoughts?

[magda]

Well, I don't know anyone without baggage of some sort. I think the people that habitually choose people that need to be "fixed" are about like you say: think they can't do any better and also want to feel like a rescuer. The problem is, if they ever do get fixed and healthy, they will probably choose someone different who respects themself. I've read that happens a lot, like in co-dependent relationships. The person who is most dependent, if they do one day get healthy, drops it like it's hot and moves away from the helper.

[USMCHokie]

 

Some motives I can think of are wanting to feel like a "hero".

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

I personally try to avoid the baggage as well...but then again, for me, beggars can't be choosers...so I'll take what I can get...

 

But you brought up a good point about the hero complex...and I think it stems from a person not feeling truly appreciated within their life, especially during childhood, whether it be by their parents, family, or friends...so they seek out someone they can "fix" in hopes that being a "savior" will make someone appreciate them more...and also, the hero may feel more secure that the saved won't leave them...

 

And another thing that you might want to discuss...what's 'baggage' to you...?

[BubbleFreak]

And another thing that you might want to discuss...what's 'baggage' to you...?

 

Yah good question. Baggage to me would be if a guy has already had a WONDERFUL ex gf and the only reason they are not together anymore is because she got hit by a bus and died and he never got over her:p Baggage would also be if he had a criminal history, has a drug addiction, if he already has kids... There's a lot more unappealing things I can think of.

 

What is baggage to you?

[Els]

I don't know anyone who chooses to be with someone BECAUSE of baggage... most people choose to be with someone despite them having baggage.

[USMCHokie]

What is baggage to you?

 

I think baggage is a fictitious term (like closure) that people in society use to describe any negative characteristics, traits, or nuances that they see in another person. Therefore, it's highly subjective. Each person is made up of her own collective experiences, beliefs, and values. Just like in the examples you gave, you view certain experiences of another person (previously having children, not being over an ex, criminal history) in a negative light, and it affects whether you'd date him.

 

So just like magda said, EVERYONE has "baggage"...but some people will view your baggage differently...or perhaps not even consider it baggage...for example, a single parent might have no objections to dating another single parent...so kids would not be baggage in that case, whereas a single person with no kids might view kids as baggage...

 

So the bottom line in one sentence and simple words: Baggage is anything you don't like about a person.

[BubbleFreak]

I'm talking about people that only go after someone they deem to have "baggage". Baggage could be anything seen by others as unappealing in a potential partner, it's subjective.

 

So the bottom line in one sentence and simple words: Baggage is anything you don't like about a person.

 

I pretty much already said that. I know it will be different for everyone, so I didn't use my own examples in my first post, because it will be irrelevant for many others.

[callingyouuu]

Some motives I can think of are wanting to feel like a "hero". Or feeling like they don't deserve any better. Or easier to please someone who doesn't expect much anyway. Or they see baggage as inevitable because of age and inevitable life experiences, thereby making it a non-issue.

 

But I really don't understand it. Personally I'd go for someone without "baggage". What are your thoughts?

 

I think those motives pretty much hit the nail on the head. My very cynical opinion is that people who go this route do it in part because they like the combination of having low starting expectations and a sort of built-in excuse when it doesn't work out - he/she just had way too much baggage.

 

To me, baggage is just anything that prevents you from entering a new relationship with a blank slate... sort of being clouded and held back by your past. Most people have some form of baggage. It's just whether or not you're able to control it.

[BubbleFreak]

I don't know anyone who chooses to be with someone BECAUSE of baggage... most people choose to be with someone despite them having baggage.

 

I have a friend where it seems to be a pattern that he only chooses women that have emotional issues. I don't know if it is a coincidence or if he goes after them specifically.

 

I was talking about this same topic with people at work, and one guy said his mate always goes for "damaged" women, the word he used and defined as women that had been sexually abused before in the past. Again, I don't know if he deliberately went for those kinds of women or if it was something he found out later after dating them.

 

It makes more sense to me that someone chooses to be with someone despite them having baggage (it's inevitable people have problems) but there are some people out there that do choose to find love where baggage is. And I want to understand it better.

[USMCHokie]

I pretty much already said that. I know it will be different for everyone, so I didn't use my own examples in my first post, because it will be irrelevant for many others.

 

 

Whoops. Withdrawn...

[BubbleFreak]

Whoops. Withdrawn...

 

Haha it's all good

[USMCHokie]

It makes more sense to me that someone chooses to be with someone despite them having baggage (it's inevitable people have problems) but there are some people out there that do choose to find love where baggage is. And I want to understand it better.

 

 

Simply apply your definition of baggage to get your answer.

 

As we've established, baggage is subjective. So to these people that "choose baggage," the baggage isn't baggage at all. It's only baggage when viewed from a third person perspective.

 

Take for example, the "damaged woman" guy, who doesn't view a history of sexual abuse in a partner as a negative characteristic. If you ask someone else, he may say that he would avoid such a woman and look at damaged woman guy as a "baggage chaser"...again, it's all about third person perspective...which in all honesty is kind of irrelevant, wouldn't you say...?

[BubbleFreak]

Simply apply your definition of baggage to get your answer.

 

As we've established, baggage is subjective. So to these people that "choose baggage," the baggage isn't baggage at all. It's only baggage when viewed from a third person perspective.

 

Take for example, the "damaged woman" guy, who doesn't view a history of sexual abuse in a partner as a negative characteristic. If you ask someone else, he may say that he would avoid such a woman and look at damaged woman guy as a "baggage chaser"...again, it's all about third person perspective...which in all honesty is kind of irrelevant, wouldn't you say...?

 

So I would see an 18 year old guy who chooses to date a woman who already has 3 kids as problematic, but to the 18 year old guy it's possible that all he sees is one foxy MILF?

 

Yeah, maybe I am wrong to assume that people who date people with "baggage" even see those people as having "baggage".

[USMCHokie]

So I would see an 18 year old guy who chooses to date a woman who already has 3 kids as problematic, but to the 18 year old guy it's possible that all he sees is one foxy MILF?

 

Yeah, maybe I am wrong to assume that people who date people with "baggage" even see those people as having "baggage".

 

 

Precisely...it's just a way for us to judge others based on who they date...i.e., "Wow, how can he be dating her when she's got all that baggage...? I would never date someone like her... There must be something wrong with him..."

[GrayClouds]

As it has been already stated, everyone has their issues. The healthy person deal with them directly in a health way or at least working on them so they do not negatively effect their lives through unproductive or destructive patterns of behavior.

 

Why someone would be attracted to another does not handle their issues in a healthy way comes down to a learned behavior, pattern relationships after previous unhealthy examples. Usually family's that never direct dealt with issues. As in "If I can fix someone else then I must be ok" there by proving their owns worth. It is a way to try to build one's self esteem by looking outside to feel good. The are attracted to someone with need because it is great to feel needed there by making the person feel more secure. So as one gets more and more addictive to their problem the other get more addictive to being as the OP puts it hero. If it become compulsive you can call it codependency:

http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

 

Or it is simply a matter that you do not think you deserve someone healthy so you go shopping only at the land of misfit toys.

[BubbleFreak]

As it has been already stated, everyone has their issues. The healthy person deal with them directly in a health way or at least working on them so they do not negatively effect their lives through unproductive or destructive patterns of behavior.

 

Why someone would be attracted to another does not handle their issues in a healthy way comes down to a learned behavior, pattern relationships after previous unhealthy examples. Usually family's that never direct dealt with issues. As in "If I can fix someone else then I must be ok" there by proving their owns worth. It is a way to try to build one's self esteem by looking outside to feel good. The are attracted to someone with need because it is great to feel needed there by making the person feel more secure. So as one gets more and more addictive to their problem the other get more addictive to being as the OP puts it hero. If it become compulsive you can call it codependency:

http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

 

Or it is simply a matter that you do not think you deserve someone healthy so you go shopping only at the land of misfit toys.

 

Gray Clouds, I really value your posts, and in other threads. You always give great input. Thanks for the link, I'm still reading the article but it's explaining a lot.

[EasyHeart]

Everyone has baggage, but there's baggage and there's BAGGAGE. In other words, it's a spectrum on which some people have pretty minimal problems and some have really serious problems, whether you want to call it baggage or issues or trauma or whatever. For instance, all of us have had our hearts broken when relationships didn't work out -- that's minimal trauma. People whose spouse cheat on them or beat them have much more serious issues that they have to deal with.

 

Going back to the OP's question, though, I've observed the same thing: certain people just seem to be drawn to dysfunctional people. From what I've read, the answer is that "like is drawn to like": People with high self-esteem are naturally drawn to other people with high self-esteem, and people with low self-esteem are drawn to other people with low self-esteem.

 

Emotional trauma damages peoples' self-esteem, and if they don't take the time and make the effort to heal, they'll stay that way. Low self-esteem can manifest itself in different ways. The hero or savior complex is one way. Or you might turn into a drama queen or control freak or narcissist or victim or whatever. They are all manifestations of the same basic problem: You don't like yourself, so you seek validation from others, especially romantic partners, which leads to neediness. Emotionally healthy people like themselves and don't mind being alone. Emotionally damaged people "need" to have another person "loving" them in order to have a (false) feeling of contentment. That's what leads to all those screwed up relationships we see around us.

 

That's my take on it.

[malala7]

According to your definition of baggage is impossible to date someone with out it.

No one is 100% perfect, there is always something we don't partucularly like about our partner.

According to my definition of baggage, is impossible to date someone without bagagge because life happens and the older we get the more baggage we carry.

I think is unfair to automatically disqualify a potential partner because his/her life experiences and circumstances seem like to much to handle. Remember that you will carry bagagge later on. So stop judging, start living and appreciate life experiences for what they are.

Now, if you are referring to psychopathics then that is not bagagge, those are mental issues.

[EasyHeart]

I think is unfair to automatically disqualify a potential partner because his/her life experiences and circumstances seem like to much to handle. Remember that you will carry bagagge later on. So stop judging, start living and appreciate life experiences for what they are.

 

Seriously?

 

So you're saying that someone is being judgmental if they choose not to date an alcoholic? Or if they choose not to date a woman with three kids with three different fathers? Or if they choose not to date someone with a history of cheating? Or if they choose not to date someone with a violent temper? Or if they choose not to date someone with STDs?

 

I don't think that's being judgmental; that's being smart.

[phineas]

I'm renovating my house.

That's the last fixer-up-er I plan to involve myself with.

I don't care to be a hero & am not interested in fixing someone's problems.

[BubbleFreak]

Seriously?

 

So you're saying that someone is being judgmental if they choose not to date an alcoholic? Or if they choose not to date a woman with three kids with three different fathers? Or if they choose not to date someone with a history of cheating? Or if they choose not to date someone with a violent temper? Or if they choose not to date someone with STDs?

 

I don't think that's being judgmental; that's being smart.

 

Agreed.

 

According to your definition of baggage is impossible to date someone with out it.

No one is 100% perfect, there is always something we don't partucularly like about our partner.

According to my definition of baggage, is impossible to date someone without bagagge because life happens and the older we get the more baggage we carry.

 

I don't know whose definition you are referring to, but I already said everyone has problems and I also acknowledged the life experience connected to age aspect in my original post. Thanks for expanding on it.

[BubbleFreak]

I'm renovating my house.

That's the last fixer-up-er I plan to involve myself with.

I don't care to be a hero & am not interested in fixing someone's problems.

 

Hehehe

[malala7]

Seriously?

 

So you're saying that someone is being judgmental if they choose not to date an alcoholic? Or if they choose not to date a woman with three kids with three different fathers? Or if they choose not to date someone with a history of cheating? Or if they choose not to date someone with a violent temper? Or if they choose not to date someone with STDs?

 

I don't think that's being judgmental; that's being smart.

Has it ever occurred to you that you might be unfortunate in the future and become an alcoholic? Maybe go through a traumatic experience and use alcohol to cope, perhaps cleaning up afterwards, but you will always be an alcoholic. Do you have to be alone forever because of your past?

What if you are raped and contract an STD? What if your husband whom you trust with all your heart was cheating and passed on a terrible STD?

I am not saying to go out with the candidate with the most issues, but you have to wear the other person's shoes before you make up your mind.

[carhill]

Why do some people deliberately seek to date those with "baggage"?

IME, everything seeks balance. If/when someone is happy and emotionally stable, they can 'give' a little to find balance with another person. I don't recall, at the outset, ever *knowing*, mostly or completely, anyone's 'baggage'. People reveal themselves over time. Many are good at masking their true selves during the 'honeymoon period', at least for a few months.

 

That said, I think there are fundamental attraction triggers. As I assess my own psychology, I find the 'baggage' folks to have this raw and somewhat desperate aura about them, and there is something in my psyche which responds to that. It doesn't parallel anything in my past, which had no desperation nor out of control features, but perhaps I'm drawn to a dearth of experience, meaning experiences I've never had. Since being married and caregiving, I find, having had some desperate moments myself and seeing the lack of empathy around me, that this aspect appears to have faded. Now I see this aura and say, hey, no one gave a shyte when I was dying inside, so why bother? They've got their path. Hope it works out for them. I see those words.

 

When, in the past, attracting or being attracted to the 'baggage' types, I was always on the lookout for a stable, empathetic, kind *single* lady who I could share my life with and made a conscious effort to never 'pass one up' even if attraction was low. Thinking back, I can only think of a couple, and they were amongst the rejections I experienced. There were plenty of stable married and attached ladies, who were great examples of the low-baggage 'type' I preferred but could not find.

 

Now, having dated a bit since being separated, when I get a whiff of that 'aura' of unhealthy baggage, I choose to discontinue dating and prefer to be alone. The person I'm saving is me. I'm comfortable with that now.

[BubbleFreak]

IME, everything seeks balance. If/when someone is happy and emotionally stable, they can 'give' a little to find balance with another person. I don't recall, at the outset, ever *knowing*, mostly or completely, anyone's 'baggage'. People reveal themselves over time. Many are good at masking their true selves during the 'honeymoon period', at least for a few months.

 

That said, I think there are fundamental attraction triggers. As I assess my own psychology, I find the 'baggage' folks to have this raw and somewhat desperate aura about them, and there is something in my psyche which responds to that. It doesn't parallel anything in my past, which had no desperation nor out of control features, but perhaps I'm drawn to a dearth of experience, meaning experiences I've never had. Since being married and caregiving, I find, having had some desperate moments myself and seeing the lack of empathy around me, that this aspect appears to have faded. Now I see this aura and say, hey, no one gave a shyte when I was dying inside, so why bother? They've got their path. Hope it works out for them. I see those words.

 

When, in the past, attracting or being attracted to the 'baggage' types, I was always on the lookout for a stable, empathetic, kind *single* lady who I could share my life with and made a conscious effort to never 'pass one up' even if attraction was low. Thinking back, I can only think of a couple, and they were amongst the rejections I experienced. There were plenty of stable married and attached ladies, who were great examples of the low-baggage 'type' I preferred but could not find.

 

Now, having dated a bit since being separated, when I get a whiff of that 'aura' of unhealthy baggage, I choose to discontinue dating and prefer to be alone. The person I'm saving is me. I'm comfortable with that now.

 

Wonderful post. Thanks for your honesty.