tigressA Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 What??? It sounds like you were given a roofie SP. Any chance anyone slipped anything in your drink? I'm with Kamille on this one. It's really suspicious that you blacked out, threw up, and couldn't even walk after doing something that you've done other times before and had everything be okay.
Kamille Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I'm with Kamille on this one. It's really suspicious that you blacked out, threw up, and couldn't even walk after doing something that you've done other times before and had everything be okay. Exactly! And that's without mentioning the fact that I find it psychologically intriguing that Shadow's immediate interpretation of the event was that "she sucks at life" (although I think she meant that as humor). I mean - while I seriously believe you were probably roofied, most people get drunk and everyone makes mistakes. It doesn't mean they suck at life, it just means they're human. So, to me, the "I suck at life" interpretation is just another example of how high your expectations of yourself can be. Although, granted, you were probably just kidding here and I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.
phineas Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 well, i ****ed that up about as much as I could. I drank a few shots of vodka to relax before I met up with him and thought Id be fine. (I've done that before and it's been totally cool). Things were going cool, we were having a lively conversation and he definitely seemed into me, and then I went to the bathroom and apparently blacked out and threw up all over the floor in the stall. Some girl helped me. Then I guess I called my ex for help and he came by to pick me up. And apparently he and the girl carried me out of the bar (I couldn't walk). W...T....F..... I can't believe this happened. It's so embarrassing. I hardly ever drink, and now this guy probably thinks I'm a wino. I suck at life. That is all. If this has never happened to you from that amount on intake i'd agree, it sounds like someone slipped something into your drink. I don't want to say the guy you met, but......
Ariadne Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Some girl helped me. Then I guess I called my ex for help and he came by to pick me up. And apparently he and the girl carried me out of the bar (I couldn't walk). Omg, good thing you got out of there safe!
Author shadowplay Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Exactly! And that's without mentioning the fact that I find it psychologically intriguing that Shadow's immediate interpretation of the event was that "she sucks at life" (although I think she meant that as humor). I mean - while I seriously believe you were probably roofied, most people get drunk and everyone makes mistakes. It doesn't mean they suck at life, it just means they're human. So, to me, the "I suck at life" interpretation is just another example of how high your expectations of yourself can be. Although, granted, you were probably just kidding here and I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. That didn't even occur to me, but it's possible. The whole thing was really bizarre because I just felt really buzzed when I got there and then suddenly I was passed out. All I had there was a bit of a martini, but maybe it sent me over the edge after the vodka. Yet, again, I didn't have any more vodka than normal when I'm trying to loosen up...if anything slightly less. The "I suck at life" comment was only half in jest. I do feel pretty ****ty about myself after what happened. I feel totally humiliated, and I also feel regretful that I screwed things up with that guy. Also, ha, somebody stole my bike last night outside the bar.
Author shadowplay Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 I sent him an email this morning apologizing and he responded, but I get the vibe from his response he doesn't want to see me again. You guys tell me. I'm not sure if I should take him up on his lukewarm offer or not. Here are the two emails between us: Hi B---, I'm really, really sorry about tonight. I hardly ever drink, but went to my friend's party before we met up and had a bit of vodka. I didn't realize what kind of effect it would have on me. I guess alcohol really does a number on me since I don't weigh much. I remember talking with you and going to the bathroom, but I don't remember much after that. I can understand if you don't want to hang out with me again. But if you do, I'd be down. You seemed really cool, and I sincerely apologize for the way things unfolded. Maybe we could do a redo some time this weekend? Hey ----, It's okay, I just wish there was some way I could of known that you were okay. Are you okay? Wound up having one of the strangest nights I've had in a long time, but not bad at all. Yea, I'd be okay with that. My schedule right now is a pretty big mess, but possibly Saturday night? Maybe this redo should avoid bars? Let me know, B I'm worried he's just bieng nice, and then I'll feel bad if I go and he seems uninterested
Kamille Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 First, how do you feel, physically, today? Are you okay? Shadow, do you trust this guy? I mean, you had an incident where you drank a "normal" amount and could hardly walk out of the bar and then your bike got stolen. Where was this new guy throughout all of this? Was he helpful? Or absent? I wasn't there, but from what little I get of the story, the last thing on my mind would be seeing this new guy because I would be suspicious of him. But, since you aren't, I'm going to go ahead and trust your judgement and give you advice accordingly. Tell him saturday sounds great and then see if he follows up on his tentative plans. Make alternate plans (like going to see a movie on your own if you don't hear from him or if he cancels last minutes). That way you won't feel too bummed out if he cancels. I'm still suspicious of this guy though. I'm thinking he could be suspicious because something is up. As to the in jest "I suck at life" comment, I can relate. My therapist did a lot of work to help me recognize the moment where I would describe myself as "deficient" because I didn't live up to ridiculous expectations I had of myself. Mistakes happen and they are forgivable. More importantly, they do not mean you suck at life or that you're not good enough. They just mean you're human like the rest of us. ((Shadowplay)).
Author shadowplay Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 ^thanks for the input, Kamille. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a roofie because I just spoke to my ex about it and he said when he got there and was waiting for me to come out of the bathroom (as that girl helped me) he sat with the guy for a few minutes and had some of my drink. And he didn't notice anything. I'm feeling pretty miserable right now about everything. What's bothering me is I'm thinking in retrospect he probably was never interested in me as more than a friend. I was still kind of drunk when I wrote the first message on this thread about what happened and not thinking totally straight. I barely remember my interaction with him, but I don't remember any clear signs of interest. I remember him talking a lot and seeming kind of nervous. But it wasn't clear whether that was nervousness because he liked me or because he felt awkward and uncomfortable (perhaps because he was worried I thought it was a date). That's about it. I asked my ex if he picked up anything when he talked to the guy and he said he couldn't tell one way or the other. I know people will assume I can't trust what he tells me, but actually he was encouraging me to see/hang out with other guys so he probably would be happy if this guy liked me. The guy also came fifteen minutes late and didn't apologize. That's about all I remember. I know in my initial post I said I didn't care, and I didn't feel that I did at the time. But I guess I was being naive, knowing myself. I guess it just makes me feel pretty awful that I'm constantly getting friendzoned by guys. And this is the second or third time I've been invited on a platonic date by a guy. It just makes me feel lame, like I'm not attractive enough. I also feel ****ty about my ex encouraging me to see other guys in such a chipper manner. I think it was entirely genuine, but that's what hurts. Like I wished he felt some sadness about me doing that, cause I know I as heck would if he started seeing another girl right now. This is why we can't talk. There was also something in his tone that made me feel like this sorry sack he was taking care of out of pity. Like, "you really should hang out with this guy, Shadow. I think it'd be really good for you. I want to see you having friends." Do you guys know what I mean? And I don't think he meant it like that, but I do think that's kind of how he views me at this point. Sigh. And I struggle to see how my life is improving, or how anything I'm trying is making my life better.
Star Gazer Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) I'm pretty sure it wasn't a roofie because I just spoke to my ex about it ... Why are you talking to your ex? What's bothering me is I'm thinking in retrospect he probably was never interested in me as more than a friend. He told you he thought you'd make a wonderful friend. I didn't read any romantic interest in the initial email... sorry. But I did read someone who's still interested in being your friend in the second - his offer to hang out, but without going to a bar, is telling of his interest to get to know you as a person. I was still kind of drunk when I wrote the first message on this thread about what happened and not thinking totally straight. You were still drunk, off a couple shots from earlier in the night before you even met up with him? How much to drink did you have, exactly? And why are you assuming new guy drugged you? Couldn't it have been from the party where you took the shots? Aren't you on certain medications that you're not supposed to drink with? I guess it just makes me feel pretty awful that I'm constantly getting friendzoned by guys. But you have no friends to begin with. Why not make a new one, regardless of his gender? Maybe that way you'll grow to trust and be comfortable around men? And this is the second or third time I've been invited on a platonic date by a guy. It just makes me feel lame, like I'm not attractive enough. Every guy doesn't want to bed every attractive woman he meets. Your worth as a human being is not determined by what you look like. I also feel ****ty about my ex encouraging me to see other guys in such a chipper manner. I think it was entirely genuine, but that's what hurts. Like I wished he felt some sadness about me doing that, cause I know I as heck would if he started seeing another girl right now. This is why we can't talk. There was also something in his tone that made me feel like this sorry sack he was taking care of out of pity. Like, "you really should hang out with this guy, Shadow. I think it'd be really good for you. I want to see you having friends." Do you guys know what I mean? And I don't think he meant it like that, but I do think that's kind of how he views me at this point. Are you sure you didn't call your ex to come pick you up from a bar where you were with a cute guy, to make your ex jealous? Were you even drunk, Shadow? Edited May 28, 2010 by Star Gazer
Author shadowplay Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 fck, I don't know why I feel so terrible and unattractive/unappealing. I haven't felt this bad in weeks.
Ariadne Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 fck, I don't know why I feel so terrible and unattractive/unappealing. I haven't felt this bad in weeks. This is a cool guy to listen to when you are stressed. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs.
bolase Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I also feel ****ty about my ex encouraging me to see other guys in such a chipper manner. I think it was entirely genuine, but that's what hurts. Like I wished he felt some sadness about me doing that, cause I know I as heck would if he started seeing another girl right now. This is why we can't talk. There was also something in his tone that made me feel like this sorry sack he was taking care of out of pity. Like, "you really should hang out with this guy, Shadow. I think it'd be really good for you. I want to see you having friends." Do you guys know what I mean? And I don't think he meant it like that, but I do think that's kind of how he views me at this point. Sigh. And I struggle to see how my life is improving, or how anything I'm trying is making my life better. stargazer, i really don't know if she needs that kind of analysis..overdoing it imo. Look I just want to tell you I can completely relate to the ex telling me that he 'just wants to see me with a great guy', 'all i want is for you to be happy in life' and all that jazz. I don't actually buy it, in my case I know it was in part due to his guilt at breaking it off and then hooking up with a friend of ours, but HATE the chirpiness, real or fake! Do exes who break off on bad terms ever really want the best for each other? Maybe on occassion but I don't think its that common. I actually recently ( and 1 year, after that ex and I broke up) began dating a guy who is good friends with my ex. Ex is not happy about it, so I guess he meant he 'just wants me to be happy with a great guy, unless I know him/agree that he's great'.... Men are fickle, don't worry about what your ex says.
Kamille Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 fck, I don't know why I feel so terrible and unattractive/unappealing. I haven't felt this bad in weeks. 1) because if anything, you're still hungover from whatever happened last night. Alcohol = depressant, hence Hangovers=not feeling great about yourself. So allow yourself to sleep on it. You will feel better tomorrow. 2) I believe that since you feel you "messed up", you're putting yourself in an unhealthy dynamic with this guy where you have to "gain his acceptance" or "get him to like you". Thing is, neither of those two things need to happen. Your self-worth does not depend on the opinion of this guy. Do you recognize the pattern though? Thinking how you feel about yourself is linked to whether or not someone likes you and then assuming that because one person *might* not like you it means no one will? Guess what, the truth is, the sooner you stop caring what others think about you, the sooner you will learn to discern your true friends, the better you will be at detecting bull**** and the better you will be at drawing boundaries. (Let's take a moment to ask ourselves, what would TBF do? She doesn't give a hoot what others think about her and wouldn't waste a second letting the opinions of others get her down). 3) You got in touch with your ex. Of course you're going to feel horrible. No good feelings ever come out of getting in touch with exes when you're still hung up on them. But, the bottom line is this: you are an attractive and amazing girl. So tough it out kiddo, you'll feel better tomorrow.
Author shadowplay Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 1) because if anything, you're still hungover from whatever happened last night. Alcohol = depressant, hence Hangovers=not feeling great about yourself. So allow yourself to sleep on it. You will feel better tomorrow. 2) I believe that since you feel you "messed up", you're putting yourself in an unhealthy dynamic with this guy where you have to "gain his acceptance" or "get him to like you". Thing is, neither of those two things need to happen. Your self-worth does not depend on the opinion of this guy. Do you recognize the pattern though? Thinking how you feel about yourself is linked to whether or not someone likes you and then assuming that because one person *might* not like you it means no one will? Guess what, the truth is, the sooner you stop caring what others think about you, the sooner you will learn to discern your true friends, the better you will be at detecting bull**** and the better you will be at drawing boundaries. (Let's take a moment to ask ourselves, what would TBF do? She doesn't give a hoot what others think about her and wouldn't waste a second letting the opinions of others get her down). 3) You got in touch with your ex. Of course you're going to feel horrible. No good feelings ever come out of getting in touch with exes when you're still hung up on them. But, the bottom line is this: you are an attractive and amazing girl. So tough it out kiddo, you'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks, Kamille. You're absolutely right. I know I need to stop caring what others think. The problem is I don't know how to do that when I have very few people in my life who make me feel liked/loved. I think it's a lot easier to not care when you have the support of friends. I have one real friend who lives three hours away, and that's it. So when I compare that to the number of people who have rejected me or mistreated, you can see how that would make it hard for me to feel good about myself. Part of it is not just a self worth thing, but a strong fear of no one I value ever accepting me. I think if all of these people don't like me, then who will ever? And in turn it leads to me feeling desperate and holding on to any bit of negative feedback or clinging to signs of interest from anybody. As they say, beggars can't be choosers and I think it's incredibly difficult to not feel desperate when you have practically no one. People also reach out to me so rarely, that when they do or show me the smallest glimmer of interest, I immediately seize on it...but it almost never turns into anything real.. I really want to escape these feelings, but I don't know how given my circumstances.
Author shadowplay Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 This is a cool guy to listen to when you are stressed. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs. thanks, I appreciate it.
make me believe Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Oh my! I'm sorry that happened to you! wow. Personally, I think the guy had romantic interest in you. I just don't believe that a guy would go out of his way to befriend a female that he had no interest in. I doubt he slipped something into your drink though... I think jumping to that conclusion is a little extreme. (Was he ever alone with your drink?) Can I ask how many "a few" shots of vodka is? It's not unlikely that you simply drank more than you should have -- were you drinking on an empty stomach? Star mentioned you're on meds that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol? I've definitely been in situations where I feel pretty ok (happily buzzed) one minute and the next it's like it all hit me at once! His email sounded genuine to me, and I think you should give him a shot. Suggest something low key for Saturday, maybe bowling or something, and see what happens! If he DOES just want to be friends, at least you'll have that and you'll probably meet a bunch of other people through him too!
Author shadowplay Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 I sent this email back to him at 3 today and haven't heard back. In retrospect the end was probably too tentative, but I was trying to play it cool: Hey ----, I've never been that drunk in my life. I guess because I rarely drink, it had a huge effect on me. It was pretty scary. I'm sorry I didn't let you know I was fine. I was barely aware of what was going on after I got to the bathroom. I'm OK now. Yeah, Saturday works. I'll leave it up to you. [COLOR=#888888] -Shadow[/COLOR]
Author shadowplay Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) Oh my! I'm sorry that happened to you! wow. Personally, I think the guy had romantic interest in you. I just don't believe that a guy would go out of his way to befriend a female that he had no interest in. I doubt he slipped something into your drink though... I think jumping to that conclusion is a little extreme. (Was he ever alone with your drink?) Can I ask how many "a few" shots of vodka is? It's not unlikely that you simply drank more than you should have -- were you drinking on an empty stomach? Star mentioned you're on meds that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol? I've definitely been in situations where I feel pretty ok (happily buzzed) one minute and the next it's like it all hit me at once! His email sounded genuine to me, and I think you should give him a shot. Suggest something low key for Saturday, maybe bowling or something, and see what happens! If he DOES just want to be friends, at least you'll have that and you'll probably meet a bunch of other people through him too! I'm positive he didn't slip anything in my drink because he was never alone with it. I think had about five or six shots. Usually that just leaves me very buzzed. Yeah, that's not going to happen again. I don't think I'll be drinking anything alcoholic for a long time. Heh. As far as I know there's nothing wrong with mixing the antidepressant I'm on with alcohol. It's never been a problem in the past. I'm also on a stimulant for ADHD, but I didn't take that yesterday knowing I'd be drinking later to loosen up. That medication leaves your system within a day, so having taken it the day before shouldn't have been a problem. Yeah, I hope he gets back to me. We'll see. If he does, I'll definitely give it a shot. I wanted to live my email open-ended and put the ball in his court to gauge how genuine his interest in hanging out again was. Maybe that was a mistake. Shrugs. Edited May 28, 2010 by shadowplay
Author shadowplay Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 Actually it was probably closer to 4-5 shots but not totally positive.
Kamille Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) Part of it is not just a self worth thing, but a strong fear of no one I value ever accepting me. I think if all of these people don't like me, then who will ever? And in turn it leads to me feeling desperate and holding on to any bit of negative feedback or clinging to signs of interest from anybody. As they say, beggars can't be choosers and I think it's incredibly difficult to not feel desperate when you have practically no one. It sounds logical but it absolutely isn't. Have you ever considered maybe you need to be pickier? You have as much right as anybody else to decide whether you like somebody or not. Maybe the people who let you down did so because they weren't worthy of emotional investment in the first place. You always have to be selective about who you let into your life and who's opinion is going to matter to you. This guy hasn't earned the right to make you feel so low about yourself. You hardly know him! As to opportunities to meet people... Well, I just moved to a new city across the ocean, where I hardly know a soul. I have to build my networks from scratch, yet again. People, by definition, do not reach out for friendship to others because most people are too caught up in their own lives. Do not turn people not reaching out to you as a reflection on yourself. You can be happy SP. Having one good friend in the world is already a wonderful thing. I feel that you're setting unreasonable expectations for yourself and others (perhaps thinking that if only you were different, people would reach out to you all the time), applying twisted logic to the failed expectations which then allows you to continue to think about yourself as somehow abnormal. Edited May 29, 2010 by Kamille
Author shadowplay Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 It sounds logical but it absolutely isn't. Have you ever considered maybe you need to be pickier? You have as much right as anybody else to decide whether you like somebody or not. Maybe the people who let you down did so because they weren't worthy of emotional investment in the first place. You always have to be selective about who you let into your life and who's opinion is going to matter to you. This guy hasn't earned the right to make you feel so low about yourself. You hardly know him! As to opportunities to meet people... Well, I just moved to a new city across the ocean, where I hardly know a soul. I have to build my networks from scratch, yet again. People, by definition, do not reach out for friendship to others because most people are too caught up in their own lives. Do not turn people not reaching out to you as a reflection on yourself. You can be happy SP. Having one good friend in the world is already a wonderful thing. I feel that you're setting unreasonable expectations for yourself and others (perhaps thinking that if only you were different, people would reach out to you all the time), applying twisted logic to the failed expectations which then allows you to continue to think about yourself as somehow abnormal. Do you think the best approach is to continue to do what I'm doing -- reaching out to others, even if it hasn't worked so far? It leaves me feeling somewhat desperate, but maybe it's the best approach.
Kamille Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Do you think the best approach is to continue to do what I'm doing -- reaching out to others, even if it hasn't worked so far? It leaves me feeling somewhat desperate, but maybe it's the best approach. That's what I'm doing over here. I try to create opportunities to meet people and force myself to ask for numbers and call some of them up. I do currently hold the advantage that I'm new in town. Maybe you could use facebook to help you build networks? But remember, you're taking the time to figure out if people fit into your life as much as the opposite. We could be networking buddies. What are your strategies to meet people? I joined a language class, am joining a gym tomorrow and am planning on attending a concert, alone, tomorrow night. All comes to worse, I'll be multilingual, in shape and entertained!
Author shadowplay Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 That's what I'm doing over here. I try to create opportunities to meet people and force myself to ask for numbers and call some of them up. I do currently hold the advantage that I'm new in town. Maybe you could use facebook to help you build networks? But remember, you're taking the time to figure out if people fit into your life as much as the opposite. We could be networking buddies. What are your strategies to meet people? I joined a language class, am joining a gym tomorrow and am planning on attending a concert, alone, tomorrow night. All comes to worse, I'll be multilingual, in shape and entertained! Awesome, I'd like that! Currently my strategies have been looking for a place to live with other people my age, getting involved in a film club with grad students, and looking for support groups/group therapy in the area (my therapist's suggestion). So far I've had mixed results. I haven't found a place yet, but I did make that one connection through looking, even if it didn't pan out. I went to the first club meeting this week, and it seems really interesting so far. But again I doubt any friendships will come out of it. Almost all of the people in the club are Middle Eastern guys who speak somewhat halting English (they all know each other I guess). One of the guys seems cool, but I just don't know how much I have in common with them. Maybe I'm being too dismissive. I guess I also notice that the guys seem to get somewhat annoyed when I speak, maybe because of a cultural thing about women. I'm still going to continue with the club, though, because I find the discussions and projects interesting. My therapist suggested I join a Coda (codependency) group. Haven't been able to find any in the area, but will keep looking. Also looking out for other support type groups. I like some of your ideas. I've been meaning to join a gym for several weeks now, but keep putting it off. I"ll join the university gym on Monday (can't over the weekend because I need to get a new ID card at one of the school offices in order to join). Tomorrow I'll try to join a yoga class, and I'll look up some other classes tonight. Also, I"m going to look into concerts and try going to one alone per your suggestion (something I've never done, and a bit scary but worth a shot!)
Author shadowplay Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 Just an update. He never got back to me about today, so his last email was just being nice, as I assumed. I guess I can't blame him after the impression I left. Ah well.
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