colliejoanie Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 OK, so I'm obsessing about this. I'm currently in a really big bind. Single mom, full time student, two jobs, no money, crazy ex that just went to jail for threatening to kill me, and my car broke down. My friend's husband has offered to help me find a very cheap car. My work schedule is kind of crazy, so I've had to cancel twice on him. I left him a message at 9 pm last night telling him that I couldn't make it this afternoon, I'd gotten called in to work. I also sent multiple texts giving alternate times and apologizing.....and thanking him AGAIN for his kindness. I don't hear a thing from him so I called around 4 pm. He goes into this tyrade about how busy he is (he's a stay at home dad, which is fine - I'm not judging). He called me "a flake, actually that's putting it mildly. You're worse than a flake". He also told me that my daughter will ill behaved. And that I'm a bad parent for even THINKING I could go without a car. I was dumbfounded......and then pissed......he also brought up another time I was late to their house for dinner and how disrespectful that was. In looking back, OK.....I've been a flake, I guess and that's something I want to change about myself. I truly did not mean to be inconsiderate of him. How do I handle this??? We're meeting on Thursday afternoon to go car shopping. Half of me is saying "screw him" you can do it on your own. The other half of me is saying "just grin and bare(sp) it" because I really DO need help......... HELP!!!!
jerbear Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 There has to be good reasons why you cancelled on him? Regarding him, well he is trying and for a friend that is pretty good. I would set a time, reschedule, and NOT cancel on him. It is not easy but you have to keep commitments.
magda Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I would be really insulted. I don't think I'd want his help. Bad parent, ill-behaved kid- all inspired by you getting called in to work? I don't know - if you think he's telling you this constructively then I guess grin and bear it. Perhaps you've been relying on them too heavily lately and they are frustrated and he just wants to find you a car to get you out of his hair? If that's the case, try to move away from that situation of needing their help because it's not working out anymore. But regardless of everything else, it sounds like he's taking the opportunity to be a major ass. I wouldn't want to accept help from someone who clearly resents doing it. Even if he's right... I would hope that he would apologize for coming on so strong.
Feelin Frisky Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 It can really piss a guy off to try to accomodate someone else who keeps throwing him curves. I can't tell enough by what you said and it sounds like he got too personal making damnations about you're daughter. But the world ain't about you. Other people have agendas and you can't tell what kind of internal havoc you wreak on them if you keep making plan and then treating the dude like it's all about you. I can't tell from what you said how much rope you have him but appaently it was enough to want to give you a good ass woopin' with it. My sugesttion is to be a person of your word--it shows, even if it's not really meant that you're not all about you.
Author colliejoanie Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 All great advice.....thanks. On how much rope I've given him.....when I was late to their house, I had gotten lost....really lost. In regards to cancelling on him. I told him when he offered to help look for a car that I would appreciate the help, but that my schedule with work is crazy, and I get called in last minute all the time. He said that he totally understood, just try to give him as much notice as possible. I'm defending myself here, but I guess I'm just really hurt. I don't think it's all about me, and I HATE being in the position of needing help from someone. If it weren't for his wife's and my friendship that goes back 20 years, I'd cut the ties right now. I guess I just apologize profusely again. (I really am sorry for screwing up his schedule) Suck it up, and decline any future invitations where he's involved.
Ronni_W Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 In looking back, OK.....I've been a flake, I guess and that's something I want to change about myself. Then tell him something about that. Maybe along the lines of, "I really didn't like the way you gave your message but I do appreciate the message because it caused me to self-reflect. I realize that you're right...I have been a 'flake' sometimes, and I'm planning to work on changing that. Again, I'm sorry that my getting called in to work screwed up your schedule. I wish there was something else I could have done but my budget demands that work come first." Something like that. I guess I just apologize profusely again. No. It was out of your control, and you'd let him know ahead of time that it might happen. If he hasn't yet figured out the difference between you going to work and you just "being a flake"...then no size of further apology is going to help him to figure it out. If he wants to continue berating you for going in to work, just cut him off. Say you've already apologized and now it's up to him to either accept your apology or not, but he is NOT going to make you feel bad because you have to work for a living. Yes, take responsibility for the other times where you really did just "flake" on them...but not for this one. Good luck finding a car!
GamerGirl Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Have a feeling I will get bashed, but here it goes... I agree what he said was out of line, he shouldn't bring your daughter into the discussion. If you are being a flake, he's given plenty of chances to meet, and it's just too much for him, then he needs to calmly tell you so and walk away. Now here's the part where I get flamed. After some people have kids, they seem to forget that the world does NOT revolve around them and their schedule. I'm dealing with this issue involving my sister right now. She seems to think that, now that she has kids, she can set the entire schedule for everyone in the family. When we go out to eat, where we celebrate holidays such as Mother's Day, etc. She constantly "forgets" that, even though I'm single with no kids, I still have responsibilities and a schedule to adhere to. Could this be a slight cause of why you're so flaky? My mother was a single mother and 99% she still showed up to appointments, etc. on time without cancelling 20 times. Being a single mother should be no excuse to be flaky. Especially if someone is doing you a favor. It kind of goes unsaid that if someone's doing you a favor, you should try not to completely incovenience them in the process. It's just rude to ask for a favor, then make it 10x more difficult to complete said favor.... Sounds to me like EVENTUALLY another job might be in order. What's going to happen when your child gets older and has plays, basketball games, etc. you need to attend?
Author colliejoanie Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 (edited) I totally see your point about when people have kids, I thought the same exact thing for 32 years ......and when you have kids you'll understand your sister's side too. After so much stressing about this overnight and today, and truly looking at my responsibility in his hostility, and apologizing again this morning (he was a total D$CK about it - saying I had called too early, that's 7 minutes of sleep I'll never get back, even after the day before in his tyrade he'd told me he wakes at 6:30 AM every day - I called at 8. Whatever) The guy is a nut job. What I did was wrong and inconsiderate (at least the prior time when I was late getting to their house). Calling him a day in advance cancelling because I'd been called into work was not flakeyness, but I see it just added to his already soured opinion of me. I'll completely admit to flakeyness and from here on out, it's a goal. This really has lead me to take a look at myself constructively, even though the delivery hurt. But no one deserves to be talked to like that. To answer the question about getting a new job.....I'm a full time student and have two part time jobs that I am very grateful to have....I have a year and a half left of school....I'm going to suck it up. It's unfortunate that the day my vehicle broke down I was supposed to be going to their house for a cookout, so he took it upon himself to help when I called to tell them I wouldn't show up. I appreciated it, but I don't deserve this. On my call to him this morning I let him know that I wouldn't be needing his help, but thanks......and low and behold, my dad called and let me know that he'd found a really nice car in my price range and is now driving down 400 miles to bring it to me and to visit my daughter and I for the weekend. Which makes dealing with that ass much less painful and yet another lesson I've learned. Edited May 26, 2010 by colliejoanie
Author colliejoanie Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Then tell him something about that. Maybe along the lines of, "I really didn't like the way you gave your message but I do appreciate the message because it caused me to self-reflect. I realize that you're right...I have been a 'flake' sometimes, and I'm planning to work on changing that. Again, I'm sorry that my getting called in to work screwed up your schedule. I wish there was something else I could have done but my budget demands that work come first." Something like that. I like this!!
dresden Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 That's great! That's what parents are for! It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life, but stay in school - it will be the best for you and your child in the long run. Good luck.
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