Ist affair in a lifetime

[coolhand160]

I have been married for 41 years and have three daughters and four grandsons. My wife was the first woman that I was ever with and yes we had to get married as they used to say. She is a wonderful mother and wife but it was never a love of your life situation.

 

My business took me to a small outlying town to do a large project. By most standards, I am quite successful and of significant means. I met a women who was divorced and the same age as me. We were 54 when we met and I have never felt for anyone what I feel for her. There is an electricity when our hands meet. I have had better sex over the past few years than I had in my 20's. We have been seeing each other for almost 8 years. Several times, we were going to run off. First time she was scared and the second time the illness of an elderly parent and then a new granddaughter for her. The present economy and serious financial obligations could render disaster in the current economy. Nevertheless, we shared a dream of being together someday somehow.

We talk everyday evening on the phone and try to meet for dinner at least once a week. She is the oldest daughter with a sister and two brothers.

 

Last October, her mother of 86 required heart surgery and it has been an ongoing crisis that dominates her life. All of a sudden, I feel like I am being pushed away and the sex has come to a stop. My attempts to help are politely brushed aside. We still talk everyday but she seems to suddenly resolved that there is no future for us but what we have which is dinner and an occasional meeting. Recently, her father was diagnosed with prostate cancer and I believe that she is taking anti-depressants. She is a bundle of frazzled nerves and always tense when we talk or meet.

 

I know that it is crazy but I would leave my wife tomorrow but she has unilaterally concluded that it would cause too much grief for all and that we should remain as we are. She accepts responsibility for her situation in that she knowingly entered an affair with a married man. I have told 2 women in my life that I loved them and did not mean it the first time.

 

Contrary to the apparent norm, I would run off with the other woman tomorrow but she really does not want that. She also advises me that I have no idea what it is like to go through a divorce.

 

My friends tell me that I must be the luckiest guy in the world to have a wife who loves me and a girlfriend who does not want to marry me but tells me that she loves me in every way. Why do I feel so lousy , rejected and miserable since she tol me this????

[izzi]

man that sucks..maybe you should have done it when it was hot..too much time went by maybe and she feels it will never happen and now your feeling like you guys are done..let her deal with her issues with family..she'll miss you and come back around..if your not in love with your wife, why stay? your at the age where you need to live...life is too short to be unhappy. you'll meet someone else if she doesnt come around...

[coolhand160]

Appreciate your comments. I don't really know what to do and my friends tell me to leave it as it is and be thankful but I just feel so rejected.

[You Go Girl]

You know oh so little about what you have done, sorry to say. You've lived the romantic fantasy life as an aside. Now the OW is dealing with reality issues, and you are concerned about not getting as much sex. Do you really think she gives a damn about giving you sex when she is dealing with the possible death of parents?

First realize the selfishness of your concern, which first and foremost is sex.

Then realize that reality is what you have at home, and that living with any other woman eventually becomes reality too. That means sex without the naughtiness of doing something behind somebody else's back.

It's time to fess up to your wife, regardless of what happens with the OW. Have you ever thought about the fact that you have taken 8 years of somebody else's life, and made it a lie? Do you think, as we all have limited time on this earth, that it is your right to take 8 years of somebody else's life?

You need some serious self-examination.

[2sure]

... Several times, we were going to run off. First time she was scared and the second time the illness of an elderly parent and then a new granddaughter for her. The present economy and serious financial obligations could render disaster in the current economy. Nevertheless, we shared a dream of being together someday somehow.

 

I have heard a million reasons why one affair partner or another does not want to "run off" but I have to tell you...the national economy, the illness of parents that are already beyond the life expectancy age.....those really really are the most far fetched excuses I have ever come across!!

She just is not that into you.

 

Last October, her mother of 86 required heart surgery and it has been an ongoing crisis that dominates her life. All of a sudden, I feel like I am being pushed away and the sex has come to a stop.

Sometimes relationships - affairs and marriages like your own...simply run their course.

 

My friends tell me that I must be the luckiest guy in the world to have a wife who loves me and a girlfriend who does not want to marry me but tells me that she loves me in every way.

 

You said yourself you have told your wife you loved her but didnt mean it.

Even though you said it, your ACTIONS show your true feelings.

Your girlfriend says she loves you....but her ACTIONS also show her true feelings.

 

You said you and your wife HAD to get married 41 years ago because she was pregnant. You realize of course that back then the need to get married when pregnant was HER only option. She was way more trapped than you. I say this only because you both entered the marriage with the same disadvantage, some kind of love and fondness obviously has grown over time...but, lol, what makes you think for a moment that YOU ever were or have remained your wife's ideal mate??? The time to start anew came and went a looong time ago. .. BUT :Your wife may be personally sacrificing for you in the same way you are not willing to sacrifice for her....give her the option, its her right as human being.

 

As to the OW, her actions show you how she really feels at this point.

[Woggle]

To be quite honest I really can't feel any sympathy for you. You have the kind of wife most men on here would love to have yet you want to throw all away for a woman who chances are just wants a cheap thrill with you.

[hopesndreams]

She is a wonderful mother and wife but it was never a love of your life situation.

 

41 years of her life wasted, but it's all about you eh?

[bentnotbroken]

She is a wonderful mother and wife but it was never a love of your life situation.

 

 

41 years of her life wasted, but it's all about you eh?

 

 

I know! :mad:Disgusting.

[xxoo]

My friends tell me that I must be the luckiest guy in the world to have a wife who loves me and a girlfriend who does not want to marry me but tells me that she loves me in every way.

 

What kind of "friends" are these??? Do they know your wife? Do they care about her at all?

 

Do you care about your wife at all?

 

When does you wife get to have wild sex with the love of her life?

 

It is time to stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about the way you have abused your wife's committment, love, and trust.

 

And, no, the girlfriend does not want to be your partner. She is holding you are arm's length for a reason. Look at her actions, not her words.

[reboot]

I just feel so rejected.

 

I wonder how your wife would feel.......

[IfWishesWereHorses]

BUT :Your wife may be personally sacrificing for you in the same way you are not willing to sacrifice for her....give her the option, its her right as human being.

 

It amazes me that people never quite get this. The H and W are in the same marriage.

 

Its sad Coolhand, that you haven't had the balls to leave a marriage where there is no "real" love. Regardless of whether you have found another love interest or not. Regardless of whether your love interest would marry you. My guess is though, that as you AP deals with "real" life issues, she is less likely to want to inflict pain on your family than even you are. Maybe in dealing with the end of the life of people she loves deeply she better understands the "real" meaning of being loved and loving others. It truly seems that it is you who is the most lost in this triangle. If you are unhappy, leave. Leave for you, not for love... as you have seen "love" can be fleeting. Self-respect if you can hold onto it is worth more than every bit of romantic love this world has to offer.

 

Its also possible that she has decided that she doesn't want to be married to someone who is quite selfish and has the propensity to cheat, regardless of the amount of love she may have for you. Perhaps she loves herself more. Perhaps she has learned the importance of self-respect as it applies to personal happiness. Or MAYBE there is a single man who has caught her eye.

[2sure]

Just wanted to add, as a former and repentant OW:

 

Some guys are fine as long as they are someone else's husband. She loves you...just not that much.

 

I'm sure can understand that, being in the same position yourself with your wife.

[Owl]

So, let me ask you this...when are you filing for divorce?

 

No reason to consult or wait on the OW. If your marriage is weak enough that you're ready to leave for any reason at all, then it's time to file for divorce and make it happen.

 

What on Earth do you need to wait any longer for, son?

 

File, get it underway and over with ASAP!!!

 

Then you'll be free if OW does decide to be with you.

 

Your wife will be free to make her own choices, and not living a lie in which she believes her husband loves her as much as she loves him.

 

Win/win.

 

Don't lay out a list of excuses why it can't/shouldn't happen. Those are rationalizations for not taking action, and nothing more.

 

Step up to the plate and do what you need to do.

[carhill]

OP, why not discuss your feelings openly with your wife and open up the marriage? After 41 years, I trust you and she have seen and done it all and life is indeed many shades of gray. If you like the social stature of your M the way it is, retain it and *both* of you find the kind of companionship which is satisfying to you, in an honest and forthright way. At minimum, she'll be disclosed and you can make a healthy decision as the *team* you're supposed to be.

 

Having been in the OW's position, both with the relationship and familial issues, IMO, neither has anything to do with the other, though the confluence of them could be manifesting itself in her depression. IOW, if her relationship with you was *healthy*, it would be a rock of support to her during these difficult times and she would be there for you as any healthy loving companion would. What you're seeing is reality; reality borne of the decisions you and she have made in the past. It's today's truth.

 

I think, if you're straight up with your wife, her response might surprise you. It might scare you too. Are you ready for fear?

 

Welcome to LS

[Dexter Morgan]

My friends tell me that I must be the luckiest guy in the world to have a wife who loves me and a girlfriend who does not want to marry me but tells me that she loves me in every way. Why do I feel so lousy , rejected and miserable since she tol me this????

 

because your ego just took a hit.

 

And if you think you feel lousy, what do you think your wife would feel?

[2sunny]

so you got bored and tempted working away from home.

 

selfish you went looking and got a honey on the side... betraying your wife without her knowledge.

 

the OW grew tired of you dragging her behind your other obligations... (women do get tired of being second, third, fourth in line).

 

OW backed away because she knew she was out of line and also deserved more than what crumbs you offered her.

 

now you miss the sex...

 

give me a stinking break!!!

 

IF i ever found out that my Dad did this to my Mom years ago - i'd REALLY want my Mom to have some self respect and tell my Dad to get OUT!!! and get out TODAY!!!

 

now you've made everything you may have ever represented yourself to the world as BEING - totally null and void - because you needed to put your privates somewhere they shouldn't be - in order for YOU to feel good.

 

i wonder how good your wife would feel about that after 41 years? i think you owe it to her to tell her what a liar and a cheat you are - so that she has time to find a man that can be decent to her for the rest of her years - instead of one that only pretends to.

 

get real with your wife - she deserves for YOU to stop the pretending.

[Mombot]

They are pretty ruthless on this site. Your OW is probably really lovely. If you really want her, divorce your wife because you want to be free. Then go to the other woman. Tell her, I love you and want to be with only you. If she says no, walk away. There's your deepest fear- no woman at your fingertips

The OW can obviously see by your actions you were not really planning to be with her- you never divorced your wife.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Another kick in the gut to anyone who believes you can find a mate and they'll love you forever!!!!!

Edited May 27, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[2sunny]

first woman that I was ever with and yes we had to get married as they used to say.

 

just this line alone is derogatory to a point that makes me want to cry for your wife.

 

since you HAD to marry her - why waste any more of her time by feeling obligated to a woman that you elude to being a woman you most likely would not have chosen as a wife - had YOU not been obligated?

 

maybe you did her a favor? i think not - as obviously she has spent a lifetime with a man that disrespected and disregards her even after all these years. your ego is as big as this earth... let her be free. then YOU can decide what your ego wants and needs all by yourself.

[linwood]

There are some bitter folks on this forum.

 

OP divorce your wife, go to your OW a free man and offer her that life you thought you wanted.

 

Take a chance.

[Reality Drip]

Classic for us to want it all. You're already having your cake and eating it too; you have come to expect it almost that you'll get everything you want.

 

If you're already getting the best of both worlds just soak it up. This may come back to bite you but in the meantime just enjoy the peace.

[sugarmomma]

I think you guys have run the OP away with "Real Talk".

 

The OW knows that if you will cheat with her, you will likely cheat on her. That's why she won't allow you to leave your family. She knows you'll probably just leave her for another "love". You've shown her that you're a cheater so why would she make a commitment to someone like that.

 

Good Luck!

[2long]

My wife was the first woman that I was ever with and yes we had to get married as they used to say. She is a wonderful mother and wife but it was never a love of your life situation.

 

41 years ago was 1969, the height of the sexual revolution. No, you didn't "have 2 get married" then.

 

Contrary to the apparent norm, I would run off with the other woman tomorrow

 

Nonsense. You would have done this 8 years ago if you were so inclined. This IS the norm - a cheater who proclaims that they'd leave their spouse for the cheatee in a heartbeat... ...for 8 years, no less!

 

Let your wife go. She deserves better.

 

-ol' 2long

[reboot]

Everyone keeps saying, let your wife go. How do we know she wants to be let go at this stage of her life?

 

That said, he should tell her the truth and let HER decide.

[2long]

reboot:

 

That's really what I mean. When I found out about my W's affair, 11 years after it'd started, I was crushed at first. But it didn't take long before I told her "if you'd been honest with me 11 years ago, I could have started over and had another family by now."

 

But the cheater doesn't really want their BS 2 have choices, because if they really thought about it, they'd realize that they can lose everything. They certainly could lose their BS. And once the WS is free 2 be with the cheatee full-time, the very thing that sustained them all those years - the sneaking around - isn't necessary anymore and the relationship will likely end.

 

No, it's better for the OP 2 string both women on indefinitely. (sarcastic mode most definitely ON)

 

-ol' 2long