izzi Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 (edited) Well im new here and didnt realize that a forum like this existed..its great..like free therapy and i need some and advise would help too.. Well here is the history. Been with my wife 16 yrs..10 yrs ago she had an 8 month affair and actually moved clear across the country so i couldnt see her convincing me that she wanted to move there and was gonna get this great job and i was to follow her there..she milked it for 8 months til i gave her an ultimatum and she sends me a letter confessing everything before i come. she had my daughter and made her lie to me for 8 months cuz she knew she was with someone else. she told me the affair was over and i went to live with my family..gave up my job friends and family at home to be with her..after a month she ended up leaving me again for the same guy..i came back home and 2 weeks later she begged for me to take her back again..i told her i wasnt sure but she needed to be with her family cuz she didnt belong there. she came back and we got back together..it was alot of pride to swallow leaving me twice for the same guy.. Her Dad is a pastor and had an affair and it totally fk'd her head up cuz she looked up to his teachings and that why she said she did it..that she wasnt herself..things were good for a few years..i still struggled with insecurities but was getting better over time..she then decided to become a flight attendant and i begged her not to do it cuz i felt like she was leaving me again..but she did take the job and said in the long run it would be good. i then struggled with that for a few years then got used to her being gone and things were okay again.. i then over the past 2 years found some phone calls on cell records that were really long..she said she got to know someone from a flight and all they did was talk but admitted she knew it was wrong..happened again but she said one of her co-workers was using her phone..both incidents, i couldnt get hold of her til the next day..i accused her of cheating again but she swore on everything thats holy that she didnt.. well i was talking to a co-worker that ive known for 3yrs about how unhappy i was with my marriage and one day we made out after going out with other co-workers..were bartenders..she is 25 and im 40 (but i look 30:D..i really do..sometimes i get 25-27) anyways..now i feel confused cuz ive just done what i hate..i told my wife i wanted a seperation..she moved out 4 months ago but has been doing everything to get me back..she doesnt know about the other girl that im now in love with..she treats me so good and is the most responsible girl ive ever known..she isnt your typical 25yo. has her own place by herself and is a real person..she does feel like crap being the other girl but is putting up with it cuz she loves me til i figure out what im doing..im telling her that im getting a divorce cuz thats what i want but i cant get myself to say the words to my wife..i love my wife but i dont think i can trust her..she says that what ive done has changed her and that she is lost without me and everything you can imagine a desperate person would say to get you back..she knows that i dont want to be married to a flight attendant and i told her if you really love me that you would have quit already..she said that she wont til she knows i will work it out with her..but i gave up my job 10 yrs ago for her just to get sent back home with my bags packing. if i get back with her i would feel like crap making her quit her job she loves and she would resent me i think..catch 22..i just dont know if i should take a chance on working on my marriage again and 10 years down the road be in the same boat with the same wife but 50yo now and miss a chance to be happy with this new girl.. i love my wife but dont know if our marriage is done!!!please help me Edited May 26, 2010 by izzi
ss1 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Do you really feel any relationship is good when build upon lies, infidelity is health for either of you? I get the impression that you and your W look at each other for security when it is convenient. My assumption is that you two maybe good friends to each other that can help one another in bad times. In my none professional opinion don't you think the two of you should sit down and discuss that you both should go your separate ways, but remaining supportive of one another wouldn't be bad. You are good friends, just not good H/W material. Just realize that your intimacy should come from your new partner and her new partner and not one another. Remember that you new partner has to accept your stable (best friend type) relationship. Just a thought. Good luck.
michaelhopes Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 (edited) Dump the cheating wife.......Go for the 25 year old........When she dumps you a couple years from now...... Dont pass Go, Dont collect $200.00 Seriously start over and dont put all your chips on the 25 year old.......Been there done that......twice......Unless youre rich and famous, think 10 years younger max.....not 15+ Edited May 26, 2010 by michaelhopes
Author izzi Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Do you really feel any relationship is good when build upon lies, infidelity is health for either of you? I get the impression that you and your W look at each other for security when it is convenient. My assumption is that you two maybe good friends to each other that can help one another in bad times. In my none professional opinion don't you think the two of you should sit down and discuss that you both should go your separate ways, but remaining supportive of one another wouldn't be bad. You are good friends, just not good H/W material. Just realize that your intimacy should come from your new partner and her new partner and not one another. Remember that you new partner has to accept your stable (best friend type) relationship. Just a thought. Good luck. your good..and right..ive always felt like we were best friends and she always said how cool it was to be married to her best friend..i just feel crazy when i think of living life without her and she feels that way too. but what you say makes sense..i know the new girl can make me happy and its wrong the way this is going down..but ive known her for 3 years and we never even flirted with each other til i told her how unhappy i was..she wants me and i want her..maybe it is time to just start over..thanks for your imput guys
michaelhopes Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Want aint real love Izzi..... Dont forget that..
Author izzi Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Want aint real love Izzi..... Dont forget that.. yea i know but we are good together and i feel our love is real..she really can be with anybody she wants and a lot of guys at work have been trying to get with her but she chose me and never had a relations with any dude at work. she sacrifices a lot including her morals to be with me. i ask her one day what she would do if she was me and she said that i should break it off with us and try to figure out what i should do about my marriage. she doesnt think of herself. but i couldnt stay away from her longer than 2 weeks..we do have real love and the age difference isnt even a factor like i thought it would be.
lostsunsets Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Your wife is a serial cheater. Flight attendant? Brother you don't know the half of it. Dump her and grab the 25 yr old.
Author izzi Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 thanks for the advise folks...i know what to do. now i just need to grow balls and do it...i just gonna be weird without her...hopefully she doesnt get crazy and vengeful on me
Jack & Coke Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Ditch the wife but DON'T jump into anything with the 25-year-old. If something becomes of that down the line, cool. Be by yourself for a little bit and don't get serious with anybody just yet, especially someone 15 years younger.
Author izzi Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Ditch the wife but DON'T jump into anything with the 25-year-old. If something becomes of that down the line, cool. Be by yourself for a little bit and don't get serious with anybody just yet, especially someone 15 years younger. honestly im already into it with her..i told her i needed time to be alone couple days ago..its been hard..also my W is in town and she is all up on me..see the thing is, is that my W is soooo hot. hotter than the 25 year old..W really does it for me.. but the 25 year old is just so good to me..its like im being spoiled..she seems more mature than my 39 yo W and shows respect..W is showing lots of love and respect now and is trying to convince to save this marriage and that she would do everything it takes and realizes that she has deprived me and wants to live the rest of her life making me happy..i now feel like im going backwards because it sounds so good..i just cant get myself to drop a D on the W..what is wrong with me..everyone is saying ditch the W but i cant..am i actually considering staying again?..should i believe her? of is this just a way to prolong the inevidable?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Yeah your wife might be chasing you now but what's to say she wont slip into her old ways when she becomes complacent again and she wants more drama. I mean some women just thrive on drama. Whos to say it's not one big game to her. If she is a serial cheater and you have no kids. I'd advise you to leave now. and not for the 25 yr old. But make yourself the priority. If your wife wants you back she'll do everything in her power to keep you. But be forewarned. It could be all a big game to her and she's using your emotions and feelings against you she knows that you love her and keeps you wrapped around her finger and she could be manipulating the situation for her own gain. Some females do that these days... Oh he loves me so i gotta see how much i can get away with before i can show him i can commit. Why bother. Dude actions speak louder than words. Also affairs dont fix anything izzi. your only making problems on top of problems. i tell the naive women over int he other section the same thing. You do not solve problems by sleeping with other people.
Author izzi Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 your right...ive known that the whole time that what i was doing wasnt cool..the W uses God as her way of justifying our saving the marriage..Honestly i believe that God put us together but she just messed it up..She is right in some ways that I should stay but like you said why bother..i mean she is still flying and knows i dont want her too so how much really is she trying to save this.? The 25 YO just fell in my lap and we fell for each other..ive broken it off with her to create space to get my seperation crap together but only because i love her and dont want to bring my present issues into her life anymore but mostly so that it may give us a chance in the future of having a real relationship..is that impossible you think?
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