my boyfriend cheated while me & our son were visiting my parents in cali

[iMa_zOmbIe]

Me & my boyfriend have been together for a year & a half.. we have a 8 month old son. Let me start off by saying I'm from cali & moved to ariz to work & that's where I met my boyfriemd.. I don't have many friends here and no family at all.

 

Last month I went to visit my parents in cali with my son.. while there I felt like something was going on. When I got back I couldn't shake that feeling so I did something I'm not proud of, I checked his phone records online. He had a history of deleting mssgs & calls from his phone.

 

I found a # that I didn't recognize. It was a number that was out of stAte. I called & a girl answered.. she was an "escourt" or hooker as I call her that came to az to pull tricks.. she was brutally honest, told me he called her cuz he found her add/posting on backpag or craigslist.. he told her he wanted a bj & she told him she'd give him a 15min bj for $100.. then he went to her hotel..

 

What's even worse is that he did this the day I was suppose to come back..

 

Since we have a son I decided to give him 1 more chance but I'm having such a hard time dealing with it or believing anything he sez. He seems remorseful & is trying to do everything to get me to trust him again. But I been hurt by every1 of my previous boyfriendas & have major trust issues.. he understands this & puts up with me questioning him daily.. he just goes to work & home, nowhere else..

 

I know he makes stupid decisions sometimes especially cuz he smokes a lot of weed.. & the "escourt told me wen he walked in he wreeked of weed.. he's cutting back on that too..

 

I just don't know how to deal with it.. how to get past it & start trusting him again.. any1 have any advice? Id appreciate it so much!

Edited May 26, 2010 by iMa_zOmbIe

[GrayClouds]

Me & my boyfriend have been together for a year & a half.. we have a 8 month old son. Let me start off by saying I'm from cali & moved to ariz to work & that's where I met my boyfriemd.. I don't have many friends here and no family at all.

 

Last month I went to visit my parents in cali with my son.. while there I felt like something was going on. When I got back I couldn't shake that feeling so I did something I'm not proud of, I checked his phone records online. He had a history of deleting mssgs & calls from his phone.

 

I found a # that I didn't recognize. It was a number that was out of stAte. I called & a girl answered.. she was an "escourt" or hooker as I call her that came to az to pull tricks.. she was brutally honest, told me he called her cuz he found her add/posting on backpag or craigslist.. he told her he wanted a bj & she told him she'd give him a 15min bj for $100.. then he went to her hotel..

 

What's even worse is that he did this the day I was suppose to come back..

 

Since we have a son I decided to give him 1 more chance but I'm having such a hard time dealing with it or believing anything he sez. He seems remorseful & is trying to do everything to get me to trust him again. But I been hurt by every1 of my previous boyfriendas & have major trust issues.. he understands this & puts up with me questioning him daily.. he just goes to work & home, nowhere else..

 

I know he makes stupid decisions sometimes especially cuz he smokes a lot of weed.. & the "escourt told me wen he walked in he wreeked of weed.. he's cutting back on that too..

 

I just don't know how to deal with it.. how to get past it & start trusting him again.. any1 have any advice? Id appreciate it so much!

 

Really sorry for your situation. The first thing you need to do is stop making excesses for his behavior. His behavior is unacceptable and completely disrespectful. If he can not smoke weed without making stupid decisions then smoking weed is a stupid decision. And no matter how much he smoke it is no excuse to cheat on you FAMILY, for not only did he cheat on you he cheated on your child.

 

It is time for you to step up and be strong, if not for yourself then for your child. If this realtionship has any chance you both need some professional help. You with your trust issue, him with his decision making and priorities, you both with your realtionship

 

I deserve better then this, I need to find it for both you and your child.

 

Keep posting and good luck.

[iMa_zOmbIe]

Thank you for your reply post.. I told him wen it happened that he didn't just do it to me he did it to our son.. I know my son & I didn't deserve to have that happen to us..

 

& yes I agree we need professinal help & he said he's willing to go to cousiling.. for himself & for our relationship & I'm willing to get help for my trust issues.. only he is working so money is kind of an issue for us.. but I'm sure we could work something out.

 

Another thing that makes it so hard is that I have no friends or family out here.. if I were to leave I would have to go back to cali.. & I feel so bad taking our son away like that.. wen we're 2gether everything is perfect & my son sees us happy. Its just wen he leaves for work I get scared & paranoid..

 

Is it normal to feel this way?

[GrayClouds]

Thank you for your reply post.. I told him wen it happened that he didn't just do it to me he did it to our son.. I know my son & I didn't deserve to have that happen to us..

 

& yes I agree we need professinal help & he said he's willing to go to cousiling.. for himself & for our relationship & I'm willing to get help for my trust issues.. only he is working so money is kind of an issue for us.. but I'm sure we could work something out.

 

Another thing that makes it so hard is that I have no friends or family out here.. if I were to leave I would have to go back to cali.. & I feel so bad taking our son away like that.. wen we're 2gether everything is perfect & my son sees us happy. Its just wen he leaves for work I get scared & paranoid..

 

Is it normal to feel this way?

 

I think if both of you are committed and willing to really work hard at it, then workingit out is best for all. Though the first think I would demand it that your guy gets off the drugs. He already proven he can not handle them. If he is unwilling that says a lot about his commitment to making things work.

 

You insecurities sound greater then most. I suspect they go back quite far and it is important that you work them out. I would start calling around, must communities have free or pro rated help for your family.

 

Hang in there

[Jilly Bean]

I'm willing to get help for my trust issues..

 

But your trust issues were not unfounded, hon. I don't like your tone that you and he are making this into your problem, or something you caused from insecurity.

[iMa_zOmbIe]

I think if both of you are committed and willing to really work hard at it, then workingit out is best for all. Though the first think I would demand it that your guy gets off the drugs. He already proven he can not handle them. If he is unwilling that says a lot about his commitment to making things work.

 

You insecurities sound greater then most. I suspect they go back quite far and it is important that you work them out. I would start calling around, must communities have free or pro rated help for your family.

 

Hang in there

 

Thank you again.. u have no idea how much I appreciate ur input & advice!! I will do some research on getting help

[GrayClouds]

No problem. Remember to breath and be kind to yourself. Keep us updated.

[SoleMate]

You have not "trust issues", your bf has a "pot and hooker" issue.

 

BTW, I thought it was very nice that the hooker gave you accurate and useful info. Brava sister!

[iMa_zOmbIe]

You have not "trust issues", your bf has a "pot and hooker" issue.

 

BTW, I thought it was very nice that the hooker gave you accurate and useful info. Brava sister!

 

Yea I appreciated her honesty.. I actually respected her a lil for her honesty

[iMa_zOmbIe]

I think if both of you are committed and willing to really work hard at it, then workingit out is best for all. Though the first think I would demand it that your guy gets off the drugs. He already proven he can not handle them. If he is unwilling that says a lot about his commitment to making things work.

 

You insecurities sound greater then most. I suspect they go back quite far and it is important that you work them out. I would start calling around, must communities have free or pro rated help for your family.

 

Hang in there

 

Hi again.. so things are getting better.. but I still relive those events every once & a while.. which is hard.. everytime I see the hotel he met the hooker at & sometimes wen we're intimate.. I think that I can't compare to a pro like "her"..

 

He's been doing so goodshowng me how sorry he is but still of course I'm self concience now.. a 15 min bj is hard to compete wit.. I feel like I'm doing it wrong & I never felt this way b4.. Ugh...

 

we are goin to see a couselor next month.. but it seems too far away.. I hate feeling this way like wut I'm doin is always gona b compared to her.. I may not b able to make it 15 mins but I get the job done.. sorry I jst dnt knw how to get my "groove" back

[sugarmomma]

Why do you feel a need to compete with her? He doesn't even deserve a blow job from you. He should earn it and he hasn't.

[iMa_zOmbIe]

Why do you feel a need to compete with her? He doesn't even deserve a blow job from you. He should earn it and he hasn't.

 

You're right.. & idk y I compared myself to that whore.. this whole situation just killed my self esteem. I know its nothing I did.. sht I just had his kid! Its on him & his bad decision making skills.. even tho I know all this I can't help thinking to myself that I can't satisfy him.. even tho he says I do I'm still having such a hard time dealing with the fact that he betrayed me & our son like that..

 

& I do want this to work out. Its jst hard to trust or believe anything he says cuz he put on such a great act b4..

 

I can't wait to start couseling to see if it will work..

[ihateusernames]

FWIW - kick his arse to the curb. If a man's connection to his partner and child is so weak at such a short time after birth of your child, then he is just going to keep causing you grief. If you do give him a chance, make sure its the last one!

 

My ex-wife was given too many chances. I only wish I had turfed her out earlier, and saved myself several years of grief and emotional torture.

 

Take care, and look after yourself and bub!

[Toki]

First off, I'd cut him off from sex altogether until counseling has started, if he can't make it for that long, then you know he's only in it to appease you.

 

Second, if he wants to act like a grown ass man, he needs to get off and stay off weed/alcohol, no if's, and's, or but's about it. That way he has no way out of making up excuses for his behavior, if he blames it on booze or weed, he clearly doesn't care about counseling.

 

Third, consult a lawyer, Child Custody/Payments may be due soon, since essentially you've left the ball in his court, have the foresight to make sure he doesn't run with it.

 

'nuff said.

[mickleb]

First off, I'd cut him off from sex altogether until counseling has started, if he can't make it for that long, then you know he's only in it to appease you.

 

Second, if he wants to act like a grown ass man, he needs to get off and stay off weed/alcohol, no if's, and's, or but's about it. That way he has no way out of making up excuses for his behavior, if he blames it on booze or weed, he clearly doesn't care about counseling.

 

Third, consult a lawyer, Child Custody/Payments may be due soon, since essentially you've left the ball in his court, have the foresight to make sure he doesn't run with it.

 

'nuff said.

 

Great advice. I agree.

 

Regarding comparing yourself. I get why you would want to do that, although it is completely irrational and quite unhealthy. As I am not in your situation, I can, instead, feel anger that his selfish behaviour has made you feel like this, even for a second. But so should you!

 

Firstly, you (clearly) offer him SO much more than a prostitute does. If he doesn't want what you have to offer him (as a partner, friend, mother to his child, etc) you DO NOT want him - and neither does your son.

 

Secondly, HE should be making GREAT efforts to put you at ease. NOT the other way round. You really don't want to be attempting to give this guy a 15 minute blow-job.

 

Please follow the advice that Toki has given you. You need to rebuild the friendship and trust before you give him any more of yourself. He needs to be the one doing the hard work here. You need to be the one keeping very rational (hard work in itself) until you feel he has proven to you how much he cares.

 

Remember you are the most important role model your child has got. Even though he is only eight months, deal with this in a way that would make him proud of YOU. That is completely within your control and no-one elses.

 

It is only for your son's sake that I suggest you even give this guy a second chance, at all. It is a horrible situation this guy has put you both in. Unfair doesn't even cover it. I'm so sorry he did this to you.

 

I am not suggesting this situation is about your issues but I, definitely, feel you are WORTH having some counselling of your own. Putting yourself through therapy is a very loving act a person can do for themselves. And you need to be show yourself a LOT of kindness at the moment. He has shown you the opposite.

 

Take care.

 

x

[iMa_zOmbIe]

Thanks guys! U all have great, valid points.. like I said I'm out here in Az with no family or friends so all ur advise is really helping me get thru this really awful experience!! I appreciate it so much!

 

I will withhold from sex until couseling.. & ima b more strong for my son! I dnt want him seeing/thinking this is how a realtionship should b!

 

Also this is DEFINATELY his LAST chance! & he knows it.. he knows ill move back to cali next chance I get.. which kind of scares me cuz maybe him knowing that will make him lie harder just to keep his sopn here.. he is doing his best to make me feel comfortable in our relationshp & is willing to get help for him/us.. but like I said that could b a front.. I'm trying to have more faith in people/guys but my past experiences make me weary..

 

Again thanks for all ur help & support!

[GrayClouds]

Thanks guys! U all have great, valid points.. like I said I'm out here in Az with no family or friends so all ur advise is really helping me get thru this really awful experience!! I appreciate it so much!

 

I will withhold from sex until couseling.. & ima b more strong for my son! I dnt want him seeing/thinking this is how a realtionship should b!

 

Also this is DEFINATELY his LAST chance! & he knows it.. he knows ill move back to cali next chance I get.. which kind of scares me cuz maybe him knowing that will make him lie harder just to keep his sopn here.. he is doing his best to make me feel comfortable in our relationshp & is willing to get help for him/us.. but like I said that could b a front.. I'm trying to have more faith in people/guys but my past experiences make me weary..

 

Again thanks for all ur help & support!

 

The advice from the two previous post was near perfection. Re[read them both.

 

Regrading faith, faith is believing in something with out tangible evidence. It is not believing in something despite the evidence. That is not faith but delusion. Sadly your guy has giving you substantial evidence not to believe in him. Now it is up to him to rebuild your faith in him.

 

Yes you have your own work to do, but do not make his poor behavior about you.

[EmperorR]

just because you have a child with him, doesn't mean you still have to be in a poisonous relationship, i guarantee you this wasn't the first time he has cheated on you.

[iMa_zOmbIe]

just because you have a child with him, doesn't mean you still have to be in a poisonous relationship, i guarantee you this wasn't the first time he has cheated on you.

 

 

if this is not the first time he cheated.. it will be his last..cuz i will find out.. we started counsiling & he said he was scared straight when i caught him.. he doesnt want to lose his family..

 

im doing a lot better, emotionally, & i'm hoping this will all work out.. I know that i dont have to be with him just because we have a kid but we both dont want to have our son grow up in a broken home.. thus far we havent faught in front of him & all he sees is us happy together.. so none of this is affecting him.. we both agreed that if it doesnt end up working out & i am not able to get over this we would go our separate ways so our son doesnt end up seeing me hurt, we know im not gonna be able to keep up this happy front forever if counseling doesnt work.. its still kinda fresh so every once & a while i feel sad but i dont let my son see me.. & like i said if i dont start feeling safe or secure again in our relationship im just going to let go.. at least that way it wont b a messy break up.. we cant say we didnt TRY to save us..

[on edge]

this probably isn't the first time that he has cheated. it is just the first time that he has been caught.