4givrnt4gtr Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I am currently dating this really sweet man. I love being with him, talking and joking but my anxiety is so high that its so hard to be happy. Im constantly wondering if Im with the right guy, especially since he is so gun ho about us and how he wants to marry me in the future. He personally is smart, adores me, he is funny and very caring. However his family life is a mess due to having a mentally ill mother and it affects his moods and his own personality making him a bit withdrawn specially after a big fight with his mother. I try to understand him and be there for him but it seems hard to develop a relationship when the focus seems so much on the family drama or some other negative aspect. Even when we leave to try to get away from it his mood still very pensive and sad which makes it hard to enjoy our time together. Also, the drama in his family has alienated him from people. He often tells me how people he has dated before cant take it and leave him pretty quickly which makes him nervous Ill do the same. I dont want to leave him but I cant deny im not happy. I feel like even if he doesnt tell me something happened at home his mood just gives it away. He does try to enjoy our time together but he so preoccupied that its just impossible sometimes. He is planning to move again for the millionth time and not give into his mother's pleas to stay or fall prey of her manipulations that have made him go back a couple of times. Im trying to help him with information about the illness and encouraging him to seek professional help. Still, when I think of "us" im just full of anxiety wondering if its ever going to be different and we're gonna be able to develop something solid... Not sure what to do..... Any ideas?
MyNameIsJane Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 How long have you been with him? Is this something you can bring up to him, sensitively, of course, and discuss? Or is it too early? I know you mentioned him talking about marriage, so I am assuming you two have been serious for awhile... Because every relationship is a case-by-case scenario, it is hard to say what to do exactly, but you are clearly unhappy. You need to talk this out if you want to be with him, otherwise it will turn into resentment. Also be conscious of the fact that it is not your job to "fix" him or the family problems. You seem to be very supportive and encouraging as far as helping him with his mother's illness and such, but I think as women (or as some women), we often stick around despite being unhappy in hopes of solving a problem we might not be able to solve. If you love him and want to be with him, I would take steps to communicate how you feel so that things do not get worse... if that doesn't help - you may need to consider the idea that you two shouldn't be together.
ADF Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 He sounds like a great guy coping as best he can with serious problems that are not of his own making. He deserves a mate that is loving, supportive and understanding of his situation. If that's not going to be you, let him know sooner rather than later.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 He sounds like a great guy coping as best he can with serious problems that are not of his own making. He deserves a mate that is loving, supportive and understanding of his situation. If that's not going to be you, let him know sooner rather than later. I know this....he IS a great guy in so many ways. However these problems have taken a toll on his personality, as he is often very weary of people around him and even me. He is afraid Im going to leave him or worse, blow up at him just like his mother. It also makes him extremely withdrawn. When he met my family he hardly spoke and it made my family wonder if he was normal. I explained his situation so they wouldn't judge him so harshly...still my mother asks me if Im sure I want this in my life. Im trying to be patient and understanding, but again, it makes it hard to build a normal relationship. I really want to stick by him and help him. I bought a book about surviving a borderline mother. In it the description of the children of borderline parents fit him to a T. I asked him to read it so he can understand where all these questions and fears he has come from. I love him, but in all honesty im afraid for our future.....I guess Im gonna just have to take it one day at a time.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 How long have you been with him? Only two months...thats another thing...he wants us to move so fast it makes me head spin. We've talked about it and he promised not to rush us...but still, i just want a normal, calm dating/relationship experience without having to worry about marriage kids etc.... We've decided not to even think about getting engage til about a year and a half from now if all goes well...but again...i feel a lot of pressure even thinking that we are planning to get engaged. Not sure how to handle this without making him feel rejected.
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