Butchannon Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 When someone finds out about their spouse's affair even if it was in the past and is ended already, is it normal to lose your mind? To become so angry to tell your spouse to move out? And then when calm down trying to reconcile after some time? I think that after finding out it is better to live some time separate to calm down and then try to rebuild the relationship if there is a will.
sruben Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 When someone finds out about their spouse's affair even if it was in the past and is ended already, is it normal to lose your mind? To become so angry to tell your spouse to move out? And then when calm down trying to reconcile after some time? I think that after finding out it is better to live some time separate to calm down and then try to rebuild the relationship if there is a will. I learned last summer that the phrase "insane with jealousy" is NOT a metaphor... :-(
ladydesigner Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I went so insane as to have a revenge affair...a very bad decision.
lonestar190 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Yeah, I went pretty crazy. Almost had a revenge affair.
pollyanna22 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I have to say it's completely normal and justified. I did have a revenge affair, I called texted and tormented the women the affairs were with, I even made up fake texts to show my husband from girls that did'nt even exsist. If thats not nuts I don't know what is. I'm happy to say I'm much better, I did take him back and we are ...trying...to move on, but believe me those crazy days creep up on me every now and again, but now I try to occupy myself. The worst part is all those girls see me as the phyco wife now, and I'm not proud of that, even though it's kind of hypocritical for them to say that about me, but whatever, they will get theirs!
MizFit Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 When someone finds out about their spouse's affair even if it was in the past and is ended already, is it normal to lose your mind? To become so angry to tell your spouse to move out? And then when calm down trying to reconcile after some time? I think that after finding out it is better to live some time separate to calm down and then try to rebuild the relationship if there is a will. I was a BS that immediately made the decision to end things with my xH...I still had a crazy period and sporadically crazy days for a year or two after. I never entertained the idea of taking him back because I knew I'd never be able to trust someone that had cheated on me, but that was ME and not you. I can definitely understand where a separation and calming period would be good...then decide from there what to do and where you stand.
Author Butchannon Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Is it normal that when you're angry to tell spouse to pack their bags and then after some time trying to reconcile. Because some people that I talked to find it not normal to go back together after moving out.
seren Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Normal is whatever works for you. As you will have read, everyone deals with things differently, it all depends on your boundaries, what you will accept, or not. I personally, went into emotional shut down alternating between self loathing, sick to the pit of my boots loads, nearly drove myself out of my mind trying to get the absolute truth and even worse trying to reconcile H with him being a cheater. Although I must also add that not for a second did I doubt we could work through it. If moving apart gave you space to think, then I would say perhaps some straight talking, boundary setting is next before moving back in. But your reality and boundaries may be very different to mine.
2sure Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Insane, Blood Thirsty, Deranged, Homicidal....yep, all perfectly normal. My H had to leave for a few days just to live.
Author Butchannon Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 OK, but what if it's very impossible to reconcile because spouse's parents hold the grudge toward me because I told her to leave and now she is at their place. And if there is also kid included.
xxoo Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 OK, but what if it's very impossible to reconcile because spouse's parents hold the grudge toward me because I told her to leave and now she is at their place. And if there is also kid included. Regardless of the infidelity, there is little hope for a healthy marriage if she is that influenced by her parents' opinions.
reboot Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 OK, but what if it's very impossible to reconcile because spouse's parents hold the grudge toward me because I told her to leave and now she is at their place. And if there is also kid included. Just making sure I understand. You kicked her out and she went home to mom and dad and they're mad at you because she's there? And what do you mean "kid included"? You seem to be being purposely vague for some reason.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 So I'm assuming SHE cheated? Do her parents know? I had to leave the house for a week or so to just get away from my cheating spouse. Then I figured I can't stay at my moms for the rest of my life..and I'm still paying my mortgage and bills so I went back home. Its been over a month and I'm still undecided and you will go through a lot of emotions yet. All I can say is hang in there and good luck. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in any relationship. The pain is the worse feeling as well!
Author Butchannon Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Just making sure I understand. You kicked her out and she went home to mom and dad and they're mad at you because she's there? And what do you mean "kid included"? You seem to be being purposely vague for some reason. They are mad at me telling her to leave. They think that I am cruel and that I should have talked to her not kick her out. We have a kid together and when I found out she cheated on me we were at her parents place, so we went to our appartment and she took her things. In the meanwhile our kid stayed at their place. I didn't even know if kid was mine and they didn't allow me to take paternity test so I took it on my own and found out that kid is mine. The day after I kicked her out they fill the form for child support. I can see my daughter only once per week for 8 hours. I apologized to her parents. It has been 5 months and they haven't talked to me when I am at their place. They think that I am cruel and that I'm gonna hit her next time because this time I told her to leave. They said that affairs doesn't matter because it was on the beginning of relationships (they were multiple and for 6 months). They also told me about all the mistakes and fights we had in our less than 2 years relationship. I have paid for all things because she was studying and I have moved to place where she studied and rent an appartment. I used to drive 5 hours a day to and from my workplace. Nobody appreciate that now. I found out also that she had unprotected sex and so I'm going to test myself for STDs.
Author Butchannon Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 So I'm assuming SHE cheated? Do her parents know? I had to leave the house for a week or so to just get away from my cheating spouse. Then I figured I can't stay at my moms for the rest of my life..and I'm still paying my mortgage and bills so I went back home. Its been over a month and I'm still undecided and you will go through a lot of emotions yet. All I can say is hang in there and good luck. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in any relationship. The pain is the worse feeling as well! Her parents know but they said it's no big deal because it was in the beginning of our relationship (for 6 months in our less than 2 years relationship). They said that they were shocked because I told her to leave.
reboot Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Her parents are idiots and should not be involved in whatever decisions you and your estranged wife make. How old are the two of you?
Author Butchannon Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 (edited) Her parents are idiots and should not be involved in whatever decisions you and your estranged wife make. How old are the two of you? I am 27 and she is 23. We are not married. Edited May 26, 2010 by Butchannon
Spark1111 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Her parents are idiots and should not be involved in whatever decisions you and your estranged wife make. How old are the two of you? Her parents are idiots and should not be involving themselves in your relationship, especially as you have a daughter together. Unless, she likes playing the victim role, or the damsel in distress that needs rescuing. Lay low. Stay kind and courteous. What does she want? What do you want? IC? MC? And no, you are not crazy. Read LS. Just because you found out now, does not make it any less painful to you. You don't trust her. She needs to get tested for STDs too. Oh, the humiliation just goes on and on.
Author Butchannon Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Her parents are idiots and should not be involving themselves in your relationship, especially as you have a daughter together. Unless, she likes playing the victim role, or the damsel in distress that needs rescuing. Lay low. Stay kind and courteous. What does she want? What do you want? IC? MC? And no, you are not crazy. Read LS. Just because you found out now, does not make it any less painful to you. You don't trust her. She needs to get tested for STDs too. Oh, the humiliation just goes on and on. She doesn't wanna go on MC because her mother told her not to go because it will look like she grovels before me. Her mother told her to be proud. I was going to IC. Now I can't go anymore because I took paternity leave to help her because she studied which has ended when she wanted child support so I can't go back to work right now and I ran out of money. I hope that I will find myself job soon. She doesn't wanna go tested for STDs because she is afraid that she has got some. I already found out that I have HPV because I have genital warts.
xxoo Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 She doesn't wanna go on MC because her mother told her not to go because it will look like she grovels before me. Her mother told her to be proud. I was going to IC. Now I can't go anymore because I took paternity leave to help her because she studied which has ended when she wanted child support so I can't go back to work right now and I ran out of money. I hope that I will find myself job soon. She doesn't wanna go tested for STDs because she is afraid that she has got some. I already found out that I have HPV because I have genital warts. Your wife values her mother's awful advice, huh? How do you like her mom? Because it sounds like your wife is on the road to becoming just like her. I'd be done with this marriage. Focus your efforts on getting fair, shared custody of your child, and having a decent coparenting relationship.
reboot Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 So she can cheat on you but it's ok 'cause mommy said it was ok. Wow. You're not married. Cut your loses.
Author Butchannon Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 We have a daughter together... I think that every responsible mother would try to reconcile especially if it was her fault... But I think that I meant and mean nothing to her obviously.
Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I feel sorry for your SO and the power and control her mother is exercising over her. Grovel? Oh, boy. There is NO groveling in GOOD MC. Only understanding. Well look, you can both be right, or you can both work out what it would take to be together.....or not. I guess I would call her mother and give her the results of your STD testing and admonish her that her daughter needs to be tested. Then, I would call a lawyer, seek custody or visitation of your daughter, and move on.
Author Butchannon Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 I feel sorry for your SO and the power and control her mother is exercising over her. Grovel? Oh, boy. There is NO groveling in GOOD MC. Only understanding. Well look, you can both be right, or you can both work out what it would take to be together.....or not. I guess I would call her mother and give her the results of your STD testing and admonish her that her daughter needs to be tested. Then, I would call a lawyer, seek custody or visitation of your daughter, and move on. I think that if I told her mother about STDs she will say that her daughter become them from me. When I want to talk to them and tell about affairs they don't wanna listen to me. All what is important is that I told her to leave it's not important what she has done to me.
califnan Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I don't know if there is anything salvagable since her parents have such a strong hold on her .. and giving her bad advice, while having no principles. It would seem that your relationship with your GF could not improve until she is repentant and free of her unscrupulous family.. Seek the best you can in the matter of custody for your daughter ..
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