joey66 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Sometimes I think sharing my struggles here actually hinders the recovery process. It's as if posting about my situation, or even reading about the trials and tribulations of others, causes me to focus on the pain even more. Anybody else feel this way?
Just a stone's throw Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Yes!!! Absolutely! I was just pm'ing someone this a.m. saying this exactly. I think I need to remove myself. It's really a fine balance. I have received some really great advice and support and even the needed Kick in the pants. But I'm also still sad and I know what the reason is and I can't make myself do anything about it. I do think I'm prolonging the agony. You read my mind, Joey. It's an open book, really.
reboot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Sometimes I think sharing my struggles here actually hinders the recovery process. It's as if posting about my situation, or even reading about the trials and tribulations of others, causes me to focus on the pain even more. Anybody else feel this way? Yes. I stopped coming here for nearly 2 years for this very reason.
2sure Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Lots of people have left for that same reason. If you come here for something and you get it...maybe thats as far as you can go. Some people come here, get the answers they need, but want to hear something different. For me, as hard as it is sometimes...frustrating, rehashing, etc. Its a positive outlet for some ugly stuff.
jthorne Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I used to think that way when I was fresh out of the A. I've moved on, in a relationship with someone else. That whole part of my life is so far behind me I don't even recognize it. So reading other's issues doesn't bother me anymore. In fact, most of the time, it reinforces the fact that I did the right thing. But it's very common from what I've seen for people to leave LS to complete their healing, come back as they need to, then hang out to help others when their own issues are settled. You have to do what's comfortable for you. Participation isn't mandatory, kwim?
bittersweet memories Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Sometimes I think sharing my struggles here actually hinders the recovery process. It's as if posting about my situation, or even reading about the trials and tribulations of others, causes me to focus on the pain even more. Anybody else feel this way? I can totally see that being the case for some. Take a break and check in every once in awhile. Meanwhile surround yourself with positive energy and keep busy.
carhill Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 To provide an alternative viewpoint, LS, specifically the OM/OW and infidelity areas, helped me better understand the psychology of the process and enabled me to make a clean, positive break and heal, though it did cost me my marriage. I remember, a couple years ago, specifically arguing with Owl about aspects of infidelity and now find myself agreeing with his perspective on those aspects. As a former OM and later MM, I'd say that's quite a journey. LS helped. Wrt other aspects of LS, e.g. the 'gender war' aspects, yeah, sometimes it's good to push away. Point taken. Still some agony there.
Tony T Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 If you're in a place of great pain, it's not good to read about the trials and pain of others. However, it's very good to vent your own sadness and frustration and to receive support from helpful people. Coming here is good if you ask for exactly what you need and, if you're very depressed over your situation, avoid reading about that of others...at least until you are feeling better. An important part of the healing process is talking about your pain and getting helpful words of support from caring people. Using this forum spares people close to you in real life from hearing your story over and over again to the point they start to avoid you. That does happen. The pain actually does make you a better person over time and having been there you are far better qualified to help others get through theirs. A steady diet of reading about the trials of other people is NOT good when you have more than you can handle of your own. There are some people who like to compare what they are going through with what others are experiencing and that's OK for them if they're willing to take it in.
LostMe Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I don't know. I am very greatful for all the advice and support i have received and it's helped me greatly, but I don't know what i'm looking for or why i'm still coming here anymore. I am trying to help others a bit more which is progress as i didn't feel I was in a position to do that before. But sometimes i worry that i'm still here because i am not ready to let go and this is a 'safe' way to keep it alive.
secretlady76 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Yes yes yes, I was only thinking this last week. This site was a God send at the beginning but now I wonder if I only come on here to keep the EA alive somehow, almost, if I don't look on here anymore then it is officially dead (it is anyway). This site is the last thread and when that is cut, that is it....I don't know. I sometimes wonder if I come on here hoping that maybe he will come on here and talk rubbish about me (like he would waste his time like that), I also think, when I respond to those in the throws of the first few weeks of an EA and I give them advice, if I am in a way re-living what I had by reading what they have written. I don't know. Maybe I need to keep away, maybe I am simply mental!!!!!!
ladydesigner Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I love LS when I feel like breaking NC. It keeps me from doing that. Also hearing what others have experienced helps me know I am not alone, but I feel as if I have replaced one obsession (XOM) with another (LS). I am trying to practice LC with LS
MorningCoffee Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Upon waking each day my very first thought is of my xAP. She is with me every hour of the day. This tells me I still have a long way to go to complete the healing process. I think that would be the case whether I had found LS or not. Checking in at LS helps me each day to realize that I am not the only one who has been on this roller coaster and traveled the road to recovery. I learn so much from what everyone is willing to share. I find it especially helpful to be reminded of all the WS (both MM and MW) who ultimately choose not to leave their M (not talking about serial cheaters but people who genuinely struggle with it), so I can remind myself that my xAP's decision not to leave hers had very little to do with how much we loved each other, and much more to do with all their shared history, their child, their families, and all that goes into a M. That helps me to know there's nothing wrong with me, other than having fallen in love with someone who was committed to someone else, and ambivalent about it at the time (she probably still is, but I could no longer wait). Also, once in a while I hope from my experiences to have something to offer someone else that might help them. I can see a time in the future when I will have moved beyond the day to day struggle but till then, I am grateful for LS.
John Who Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Yes,I feel the same way,which is why I hardly ever post my current situation and I don't come on as often as I did in the past.
califnan Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Sometimes I think sharing my struggles here actually hinders the recovery process. It's as if posting about my situation, or even reading about the trials and tribulations of others, causes me to focus on the pain even more. Anybody else feel this way? ------------------ I would think that when you are ready to procede to the next stage, you will .. My feelings are that LS has definitely Hastened recovery .. And also through trying to minister to others.. Should anyone appear to be in confusion, they are still thinking - and I know the diff opinions of others must be helpful - in the unveiling of truth..
candymoon Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I think this goes for all message boards really, particularly those devoted to dealing with pain and suffering and poor mental or physical health. Lots of people leave because they get addicted to and mired in the negativity of it. If being on boards begins to interfere with your life, or if you find yourself emotionally taking on the others people's stories and pain, then it's definately time to go. Maybe come back when you feel healthier. I get out of message boards what I get out of writing in my personal journal in RL--but with feedback. And it feels good to offer support and my own limited knowledge when I can. So in the end I feel better. For every complaint I post about my own life, I try to find 3 that I can post helpful advice or information. But that's my own weird thing.
Tommy's Girl Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I agree with a little of what all of you have said. I'm not on LS much but I come here when I have thoughts of xOM and feel like breaking NC. It helps so much to read what others are going through. It reinforces the fact that affairs (most of the time) cause broken hearts, broken marriages, and more pain. There is a difference in the advice of people who are in affairs, just got out of affairs, BS, those who were in affairs a long time ago and are so over it, etc. It's interesting to see the difference of opinions depending on which one of those people you are. For the most part, I trust the opinions of those who have gone through it and survived. I trust those that have been there, done that and know what should be done. Also, your own personal core values determine who you listen to. If you don't believe in open marriages, then you tune those that are in open marriages out. Many people come here hurt or in the "affair fog" and don't want to hear the many times harsh reactions and opinions. I think that for those people, we have to be sensitive to what they are going through and remember what it was like at that stage for us. I'm not saying that tough love isn't necessary but sometimes I think people run from here because they are attacked and not ready for it yet. Ah-ha moments happen at different times for different people. You could really actually come here and never post in a single thread because in some way or another, your story is probably here or at least something similar. I read a lot more than I post here, and it is amazing the similarities in everyone's situation. I am thankful for this site if for no other reason than to see first hand the destruction affairs cause to everyone involved and to their innocent loved ones. It would make anyone "contemplating" an affair to RUN!
Heather1 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I take breaks from the LS addiction too, mostly to clear my mind & not think about it. In my daily life, I think about it right before I go to sleep & that's about it. On LS it's all I think about. I agree w/ not wanting to push away friends (since none of them know anyway). It's safe for me. As for my type of A, where neither of us wanted to get D, I don't know what to say to that. In real life, I've seen people happily end up w/ their AP. I don't believe my xOM would ever want that, so I don't hope for that at all & never have. I struggle w/ detaching here. Breaking the addiction mostly.
seren Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 On first finding out about H's A I trawled the net for somewhere to get answers and to understand the dynamics of A's. I read lots, went on some pretty vitriolic sites (I don't do vitriol, it's tiring). Found some of the BS bitter and nasty, and some of the OW/OM bitter and nasty. I took what I needed when I needed, cried at some of the more I got a married man na, na, na nana posts and equally at OW/OM's pain. I also had little in common with the blaming the OW/OM posts. LS is, IMO, a balance of A's from both sides and I have come to feel concerned for some posters, shake my head at others and realise that I am lucky to have survived an A and remained relatively unscathed. It is interesting to see people grow from first posts and heartening. I can, however, understand people being triggered by some postings and that can become toxic. IRL, I don't discuss H's A, it os our business and I wouldn't want others to judge. Here on LS, people understand and share. If it hurts or triggers wait until it hurts less (I hope it does) whatever works for you.
OpenBook Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 It's an open book' date='[/b'] really. Eh? Someone rang? I'm not sure if LS prolonged the agony for me (probably did, come to think of it) - but it sure helped me sort everything out... and when the next Disaster-In-Waiting presented itself to me, I somehow managed to dodge it. I am forever grateful to LS for the huge part it played in helping me avoid it.
magda Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 It depends how you use it. If you post on it too much it will. Once you sort it out you should probably just go with what you figured out and stop obsessing.
silverplanets Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Sometimes I think sharing my struggles here actually hinders the recovery process. It's as if posting about my situation, or even reading about the trials and tribulations of others, causes me to focus on the pain even more. Anybody else feel this way? I visualise it a bit like a crutch and a broken leg .... At first you absolutely need it to keep walking ... Then when you reach a certain stage you realise that if you never use your leg then it will never get strong again, so you deliberately put down the crutch for periods of time ... Eventually, the idea has to be, of course, that you stand firmly back on two good legs ..... although you can still make good friends with all the "doctors and nurses" you meet on the way ... The fact that you're asking yourself this question seems to me that your beginning to move forwards a small stage .... and that;s got to be a great sign for you. I am pleased. keep going :) Chris
pureinheart Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Eh? Someone rang? I'm not sure if LS prolonged the agony for me (probably did, come to think of it) - but it sure helped me sort everything out... and when the next Disaster-In-Waiting presented itself to me, I somehow managed to dodge it. I am forever grateful to LS for the huge part it played in helping me avoid it. I was gonna say something about that....lol:lmao:
pureinheart Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 In the beginning it was a lifeline...then I got really sick and didn't have any time to post because I was trying to figure out how to cure myself...for the mostpart this was accomplished. Now LS is an outlet for me, it can be quite unhealthy at times, although I've met some really cool people.
Author joey66 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 First, thank you all. It occurred to me about five minutes after I started this thread that I was liable to get responses such as, "If it hurts to post, then don't post, dumb*ss!" Thanks for being supportive. Yet again. But I'm also still sad and I know what the reason is and I can't make myself do anything about it. I do think I'm prolonging the agony. JAST - I think you hit upon the sign that it's time to take a break from here - when you know the problem and you can't do anything about it. Coming here allows you to wallow in it indefinitely. Using this forum spares people close to you in real life from hearing your story over and over again to the point they start to avoid you. Tony - I can see where this could be a problem. But for me, and I think for other people (moreso here in OW/OM more than in others areas of LS) there really isn't anyone to talk to IRL. It's not like I can go to my friends and complain about an EMR gone bad. And I don't think my W would understand. ... now I wonder if I only come on here to keep the EA alive somehow SL - As far as keeping the EA alive, see what I wrote above in repsonse to JAST. And I have always been paranoid that MW is a member here and she is reading everything I write. Given how similar our situations have been, if you weren't in Europe, I might think that you were her. And you are not mental. I love LS when I feel like breaking NC. It keeps me from doing that. Also hearing what others have experienced helps me know I am not alone, but I feel as if I have replaced one obsession (XOM) with another (LS). I am trying to practice LC with LS LD - Exactly. LS has saved me from breaking NC (really LC) several times. Also, you wrote on another thread that you will always feel very deeply for xOM. I feel exactly the same way. Even though I am getting better, every time I see MW I cannot help but think how much I love her. I suspect I always will, no matter how she feels about me. Upon waking each day my very first thought is of my xAP. She is with me every hour of the day. I'm down to thinking about MW only 22 hours each day. Seriously, your story seems to reinforce my original thought - coming here doesn't allow me to stop thinking about MW. I hope that you feel better soon. The fact that you're asking yourself this question seems to me that your beginning to move forwards a small stage Chris - The same thing occurred to me. If I'm asking the question, then I'm probably moving forward. Again, thanks to all. Even though I didn't respond to each and every comment (this post is long enough already), know that I read them all, carefully and several times.
secretlady76 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Joey66, I promise you I'm about as American as you are British.....or was that German?!!! Over and above what I have already written about using LS, I also feel a certain sense of 'loyalty' as it were towards some of the posters on here, because they (you included of course!!!) have helped me through a very difficult confusing period and to not use LS is almost like turning my back on you all. But I don't suppose any of you will be that traumatised over it, well maybe only for a couple of weeks.... I'm sure LS will help you get over it!!!!
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