He wants me to come over.

[PhoenixRise]

Lostit

 

I know what you want.

I know you will do what you want.

 

But

 

You going to see him at his request without even asking him if he is still seeing the OW first is setting yourself up for failure and heartache.

 

You are demonstrating by your actions that you are ok with him wallowing in indecision and having both. That you will put up with being hurt and betrayed if it will give you a glimmer of hope that he will eventually choose you. Your words to him mean nothing. He is correctly reading your actions.

 

I get it that you have never had a break up before.

and nobody is telling you to throw away your life and not look back...you don't need to throw it away, your husband is doing that. We are asking you to recognize that this is what your husband is doing.

 

We are asking you to recognize that while he has you both wishing and hoping and praying for his love, confusion and indecision work in his favor And he has absolutely no incentive to get off the fence.

 

Be busy tonight. Tell him you have pilates, a root canal, to groom the cat, to paint your toenails, etc... tell him you have something, anything to do other than make yourself available at his beck and call while he keeps OW waiting in the wings.

[Owl]

If you want the situation to change....change something.

 

You've given ultimatums...but you have never truly followed through with them.

 

I disagree with 2sure...ultimatums are GREAT...if you follow through on them.

 

If you don't...they're worse than useless. Setting a line in the sand, and then not holding to it teaches him that you will cave...that he'll get what he wants without paying the price you've set for it.

 

Going to see him, after you've told him to choose you or her....one more example of exactly that.

 

The reason he's still seeing her...the reason the situation hasn't changed...is because he's suffered no true consequence for his action.

 

At the end of the day...you're STILL going over there, knowing that he's changed nothing.

 

Exactly my point.

 

If you want him to change...you set consequences to his current behavior. You make him LOSE something for keeping her in his life at your expense.

 

He will only end the affair when the pain of continuing the affair outweighs the pleasure of the affair.

 

What pain does he suffer when he knows that you'll never follow through on your boundaries? When he doesn't suffer any consequences for hurting you, for continuing the affair.

 

I get that you're hurting.

 

But if you don't change something...nothing will change.

 

The choice is up to you.

[scatterd]

Im so sorry you are going through with this You need to tell him to pick so you can do what you need.Start to think about you he has been pulling all the strings do not allow him to.When he knows you have had enough things will change.I know how painfull this is.Do not talk to him untill you know he hes gotten rid of her.Good luck stay strong you can do it.

[kuma]

for those that know my story. advice please.

 

i haven't spoken to him in 2 days. he attacked me for bringing up the papers and i attacked back. i told him i was moving to a city (an hour away) and being on my own and as far as i was concerned he was with her. he told me he felt out of control and didn't know how to end it with her. i told him that i'm not forcing him to be with me, to be with who he wanted, but if he can't love and be with me he has to let me go bc i'm not waiting anymore, i'm getting on my feet and getting stronger and i'm not putting up with it. he said ok and i didn't respond.

 

2 days later, he txts me that he is watching the basketball game at home tonight and wanted to know if i wanted to come over to eat.

 

You got his attention. Because you stood up for yourself. Don't see him tonight. You'll regret it. Just text him "Something came up and I can't make it. Sorry."

[scatterd]

let him sit and wonder about you let him feel he has to gain your trust.

[lonestar190]

I once heard a line that said "Power is given, control is taken."

 

The question for yourself is whether going over there gives him power in the situation or takes control of the situation. Certainly not going is taking control, despite how difficult it is.

 

Make sure you maintain control, even if it means walking away.

[reboot]

Take out that line and reread the post. It's typical OW "will he leave her for me". She's his freaking wife and she's letting him dictate the terms of their marriage, just as most OW let the MM dictate the terms of an A. That's very sad to me.

 

Sorry, I get what you were saying now. That's an interesting point.

[pollyanna22]

this happend with my husband and I too..he was done with OW but I'm sure he was still on the fence a little, and we were not divorcing yet we were just seperated, he asked me to come over and we ended up in bed! typical us, but it clouded things even further for a while.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'd tell him to kick rocks!!! why put yourself in the same situation when he treats you like crap!!

[CrayonAngel]

Well..how did it go? I'm guessing you went. I hope you are okay.

[LostIt2010]

I did.

 

I kept my pants on. He cooked dinner.

 

We talked alot about us before the affair. He handed me his phone and I saw where he told her that he has never really left me, he called her a distraction from dealing with our issues, he told her he has not been honest with her like he has with me, and he could not divorce me and could not deal with me leaving and getting an apt on my own. she had quite a few choice words for him, which i'm not sure i can blame her.

 

he said he feels that his heart he never didn't want us. he says when he thinks about kids, his future, and when the going gets tough its always me. he said that he thought about what it would be like years down the road with her and he did not see himself happy. he said that he knows he always pulled me back and took advantage of my emotions when he felt like i was slipping away bc he didn't want me to. he said he struggles even when with her. he cried, which he has never done before.

 

he told me that he feels other times we tried we went to fast and he wasn't open to me. he said he would like to try again and go slow. he said its gonna be hard to feel like such a scumbag for doing what he did to her, and he said he feels like huge piece of crap for doing this to me. he said he is tired of being on the fence and he wants a direction and when he think of future he thinks of me. he said in his heart he felt he would always return to me and he wished i would have given him ultimatum (like you guys said). he said he knows he loves me and feels our love is strong but he said he has concerns about us, and i do too. he said he needed me to be less of a friend right now bc he has those and he doesn't look for that in me. (which he feels was part of why he had affair, he said as much his fault that we were more like friends as mine). i said i needed openess and reassurance.

 

i know this is going to be hard bc i've read and i know he is going to mourn and grieve her, she is probably going to contact him even. we both want to do this, i feel his heart means it and i hope we can do it. if we can get through this part, him grieving her and me having to deal with watching it i feel like we can focus on us and really see what can happen with what we have learned through all this.

 

i'm excited, but scared at same time.

[stillafool]

Does this mean he is going to move back home with you? How do you feel now that he has said those things to you?

[PhoenixRise]

Lostit

 

I am glad things went the way you wanted them to go.

 

Please guard your heart. Your H may be turning in your direction now but these kinds of As rarely end smoothly or quickly.

 

Has he said that he will go NC with the OW?

 

Are you two going to do counseling?

 

Is he going to do IC?

 

Lostit, what are the things you need and expect from him to reconcile the marriage? Have you told him specifically what your expectations are?

[LostIt2010]

Not right away. I'm staying about 30 mins away. we are going to go a little slower and not jump into bed and living together like the last time, i think that was too much too fast for us both.

 

i feel good, i feel he means it. i know it is a long road and that is a little scary, i know that it might not work out which is a little scary too.

 

i have read things people say, and even things talked about on here about what people say when they come out of an "affair fog" and he has said them, he seems more himself and rational.

[reboot]

That's all fine. Now let's see some action. She has to be removed from his life, forever, like yesterday. No more contact, ever. He can call her or write her a letter explaining if he really feels he has to, but it has to be done IN FRONT OF YOU. And then that's it.

 

You can allow him to grieve her. That's perfectly OK. You can even be his shoulder to cry on, if you're that strong, but she has to go and go now or you have no chance.

[reboot]

Because his words were nice, his words were wonderful, his words were exactly what you wanted, needed, to hear.

 

But his actions will tell you if his words were true.

[stillafool]

Lost did he say he would stop seeing her to give your M a chance to heal?

[LostIt2010]

he has talked about IC, which is something that he never even would consider before.

 

he said yes he was going to go no contact. if she contact him, the only way now would be through text, he was going to show me and we could decide how i felt most comfortable about handling it.

she will lash out at him and i feel she will then start saying its hard and she misses him and trying to make him jealous...thats what she did last time anyway... sometimes that what i did.

in some weird way i do feel bad for her bc i know what she is going through, but it is an outcome she should have prepared for and i think a clean break is for less hurtful than the back and forth. i know he feels bad for hurting her, but he said everyone has hurt and its his decision and i have hurt no different than her.

 

we are going to go out to dinner tonight and tomorrow i think we are going to talk about things we need from each other, i'm sure we will talk some tonight too.

 

he said he wished i would have given him an ultimatum. he said its like he drug it along waiting for something to stop him. i was honest and told him i wanted to and knew i should have and that was part of me getting out on my own to get strong enough to be ready to let go if i wasn't what he chose.

 

he said he feels more like he is in reality than he has been. he said he tried to break from her without telling me (which i talked about in previous posts) and when he screwed he felt like he failed and he thought if i knew what he was doing and he could see me it would make it easier for him to do.

 

he said in times past he always would analyze what i would do and convence himself it wasn't genuine or it was fake. he said he shouldn't have done that and it made it worse for me. he said he needs to be better about receiving things from me. i hope we can talk more about things to help us a little tonight and more tomorrow. tonight i think we are just gonna breathe a little, we talked a lot yesterday.

[LostIt2010]

and yes, i agree i'm looking for actions now.

 

i'm awaiting her to text him bc i know it will happen. i have full access to the phone records and he knows it. he has no facebook or myspace and i have his email password (though he doesn't know it). texting is really only way she can contact him.

 

a part of me wonders if it wasn't for her kids and baby daddy drama if he would be doing this, but he said that he thinks it is more than that. he said the thought of me moving away and being on my own and him not being a part of my life, and me eventually moving on from him was just more than he could bare. he said he kept me hanging on, even though at times he felt bad knowing it hurt me and like he shouldn't bc he didn't want me to get too far bc he knew if i ever crossed that i'd be gone and he didn't want me to be gone from him.

 

i know he feels strong right now, but as a few days go by i know it will be harder for him not talking to her and adjusting. but he agrees its the only way. he said he wants to stay one more year at the school he coaches at and then look at moving since i will have my teaching degree.

she lives like 5 mins from our house so that is hard.

 

he even said he was unhappy at his job, with his self and bored with life and she was something exciting and a challange to kind of help and it turned into way more than he exactly planned to happen.... which he has NEVER admitted before. and i was on autopilot with school, work, and doing things with our friends. i put us on back burner and distracted myself ignoring or shaking off red flags that i should have addressed.

 

i feel like he needs me to be firm and take more of a stand about it, so i will.

Edited May 26, 2010 by LostIt2010

[stillafool]

 

 

he said he wished i would have given him an ultimatum. he said its like he drug it along waiting for something to stop him.

 

I had someone tell me this once. I don't know why some men think like children and then want you to stop them. It sounds like he is serious to me and I hope it works out for you. I'm sure the idea of losing you (his first love, knowing he was the first one to have sex with you, and you are his wife) would way heavy on his mind if he knew some other guy was going to have a go at you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

As a grown man he can control himself. The only people in life we control is ourselves!!! dont let him blame you for him having weak azz boundries!!!

 

If he wants you back, it should be a stone cold NC letter for the ow forever and him changing all his contact info and staying away from her. if this woman is giving him an ego boost and he's addicted to it. he needs to come down to reality and get over himself.

 

HE's MARRIED! right?

 

and lastly let him chase and prove to you he's changed and wants you back.

 

I know for myself i couldnt tolerate someone who left me for someone else. because i would look like a chump if i took her back. right?

[reboot]

Time for a new cell phone number.

[LostIt2010]

I do think he is serious, I know though it will get hard and we will be tested and we both need to be strong. words aren't gonna do it anymore.

 

i'm not sure how to guard my heart while really opening it for us another chance.

 

he said he thought i looked pretty yesterday. he said that he forgot how pretty i was and it was the first thing he saw when he "woke up".

he said it comes in waves, but it feels good to have a path and direction.

we have talked about planning some things, even going and looking back at some of our old memories (letters/photos) and places we used to go, planning a trip this summer. he said he wanted to plan them and it would keep him busy and looking forward to things during hard days, and getting to do something nice for me.

 

i know its early and i don't plan on jumping in bed with him right away, but the sex part kind of makes me nervous. i don't feel very confident in that dept anymore and we have talked about them being sexual in past and different things and its hard to talk about, kinda hurtful. i feel like that is, like to any man, important to him and something we could improveon and i want to be better in that department but prob is all experience i have is him and i don't want to look silly, grace is definately not my middle name. i can be sexy and flirty but i feel kind of akward or unsure in bedroom. maybe i shouldn't even be thinking about this. i'm just nervous.

[LostIt2010]

a new cell phone number is not a bad idea.

 

i kind of feel bad for her bc i know she is hurting, so i know he must feel bad for her and what he did to her. but i have hurt to and she dang sure didn't much care about me hurting and she told him not long ago i should be a big girl, so i guess its her turn to be a big girl. her hurt is a consequence of pretending she had someone who was married, she knew he never left me and flip-flopped they fought about it so she should have been ready for this possibility. and i've hurt too.

Edited May 26, 2010 by LostIt2010

[LostIt2010]

we have talked about things/us for a little while the last 2 days and tried to enjoy each other the other times and talk about good memories. he said he doesn't feel as weak and as torn as he has the other times, but it is still hard occasionally, kind of comes in waves but he feels good about having us and a decision made. he said during midst of affair he told himself, me, and her a lot of untruths to justify things to himself and to her. he said he said them so much he started to believe them and hold on to them to re-assure himself he was in the right somehow or it was justified and it was wrong of him and that he was so confused even by his own lies. that he doesn't know why he lied so much bc he has always been honest person.

 

she hasn't texted him but i'm waiting on it. she may feel he will come back to her and is giving it time. i stalked her facebook (which i should stop) and i assumed she would put some ranting update like she has in past but she hadn't and she commented on some a girl whom she always told me she hated and was a liar about her her daughter has gotten so big. (i have thought about telling him this to maybe show him she is ok, but i don't know) so doesn't seem to be having too hard of time to me. but it does say "in a relationship" still, she even still has some old pics of me and her from last year when we were friends though, which makes me sick. i know if i'm thinking about her, he must be too.

 

its like i'm just waiting for her to do something, or have this feeling like she will. he and i start our mornings with something strong about us and i say something positive about him being strong and what it means to me that he wants us and he gives me reassurance that this is where he wants to be and he is focused on us (something i said i needed).

 

i know its just been a couple days but it feels good and he seems more clear headed and sure, more like this is what he wants... even though he said at times it is hard it still doesn't change fact he doesn't want to be without me he says and we are what is important to him. we promised to be honest with each other if we were having hard time or needed some breathing room, we are trying not to go too fast, yet spend a lot of time together too. even though a month had passed since i've seen him we weren't akward or uncomfortable, but happy to see each other. he said he missed spending time with me and forgot how nice it was.

Edited May 27, 2010 by LostIt2010