LostIt2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 (edited) for those that know my story. advice please. i haven't spoken to him in 2 days. he attacked me for bringing up the papers and i attacked back. i told him i was moving to a city (an hour away) and being on my own and as far as i was concerned he was with her. he told me he felt out of control and didn't know how to end it with her. i told him that i'm not forcing him to be with me, to be with who he wanted, but if he can't love and be with me he has to let me go bc i'm not waiting anymore, i'm getting on my feet and getting stronger and i'm not putting up with it. he said ok and i didn't respond. 2 days later, he txts me that he is watching the basketball game at home tonight and wanted to know if i wanted to come over to eat. i'm feeling ok emotionally today. i'm confused. i'm trying to figure out what to do. i do want us, i have never really waivered with that. i feel if his heart has love to give me and i can feel it and of course she is no more, we can heal eventually. a part of me wants to see him... a part of me is scared to. a part of me doesn't know if he can end it with her. i don't know if i should go over and just be light and friendly or go over and lay down ultimatums. i am moving forward, especially with getting out on my own and i may not be able to give him divorce papers now, but eventually i would be. being out on my own will make me stronger and telling myself everyday he is with her helps me to move forward. i don't think he ever will let go of me, but eventually i would be able to at least end it with him. but now, i don't know what to do. it will be first time i have seen him in a month. i love him very much and i do want us, or at be able to at least know did everything i could to give us another chance. on the other hand, i'm scared he won't be able to end it with her and seeing him could turn into getting to involved and setting me back like it did the last time. maybe i'm making too big a deal about it. its just seeing each other to talk. or just catching up. i don't know. (i didn't mean to put the sad face on this thread) Edited May 25, 2010 by LostIt2010
Owl Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I'd ask him point blank if he's still seeing her. If he says yes, then the answer is "No, I don't want to come over." If he says no, then you can consider going...but make it very clear what your conditions for attendance are.
reboot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I'm all for trying to save a marriage, but that can't be done with someone else in the wings. Lay down the law. Either she goes or you go.
2sure Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 i don't know if i should go over and just be light and friendly or go over and lay down ultimatums. You already laid down ultimatums. He isnt going to make this decision, you are going to have to.
reboot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 You already laid down ultimatums. Silly me. I should have gone back and read her previous threads.
2sure Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 the BS ultimatum: If you dont stop I am going to leave. Thing is, alot of times...they dont stop until you leave.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 that is true, I've already told him how i feel, what i expect. my temper tantrum was over by time we finished talking couple of days ago. i hope he thought and used those two days to do something about her. i think i'm going to go over and not stay long and keep my pants on for sure. we can catch up a bit, then i will ask about her. if i get excuses or him saying he is still trying to end it with her or anything less than him saying he wants us i will keep my temper and i will just say.... i understand and i will just leave. i need to be strong and not get my hopes up. its just dinner.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 and........ i'm trying ok. i don't need ripped or poked at about being weak right now. i'm moving in a direction albeit slowly and with baby steps but a direction. i'm making plans for my future and i haven't texted or called him he has contacted me. i've never even been through a breakup and this is not freaking easy, especially with what he is doing, for me so i'm trying and doing the best i can.
reboot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 that is true, I've already told him how i feel, what i expect. my temper tantrum was over by time we finished talking couple of days ago. i hope he thought and used those two days to do something about her. i think i'm going to go over and not stay long and keep my pants on for sure. we can catch up a bit, then i will ask about her. if i get excuses or him saying he is still trying to end it with her or anything less than him saying he wants us i will keep my temper and i will just say.... i understand and i will just leave. i need to be strong and not get my hopes up. its just dinner. It's a great plan. But probably doomed to fail.
reboot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 From reading just this thread, I can't really tell if you're a BS or an OW. That is really sad to me. Since she mentioned divorcing him, I think that's pretty clear.
Snowflower Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 IMO, 2 days is not nearly long enough for him to have ended things with her (if he even did this) and regain equilibrium. As others have said, he has to have ended things with her first and you need to be able to verify that somehow. I would be very suspicious that he is just trying to keep you on the hook--similar to his repeated calling and texting. This dinner is perhaps just stepping up his efforts to keep you baited. Personally, I would turn him down. Politely. Even if his motives are sincere, he has a lot to prove. Say you already have plans that night which you are looking forward to (even if you are just staying home and reading a good book). Be vague. I'm not suggesting being coy but he can't think that he can just come back whenever he is ready. It's your choice.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 i do want to see him. i've never said i didn't. i've turned down 3 other invites he has given to me to see him in past 3 weeks bc i didn't feel ready. i don't want to give up on us. i'm at a really confusing place and i'm trying to be strong. and if i'm just going to get attacked for being confused and loving someone and f*cking trying to move in a dirction, screw this. you are not me and you don't know how hard this is for me to get to point i'm even at.
2sure Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Ok, so you are going. I suppose the best thing you can do at this point: NO More Ultimatums. They are a bad policy anyway. But by telling him one thing and then not really acting on it...you are REINFORCING his indecision. He is ok with this, doesnt affect him as much as you. So, no more threats. If you MUST have a tantrum, use F bombs and name calling ...lol - anything but ultimatums. Try to remember in the future: Ultimatums are just words. Action without words works a whole lot better.
reboot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Who do you feel is attacking you? I just see people trying to help.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 that was to jthorne. i told him i needed to think about it.
reboot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 And by the way, there are many, many people here that know exactly how you feel.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 i've never even been through a breakup, this is the only man i have been with since i was 14. sorry it is hard for me to throw half my life and the person i love straight down drain without looking back. i'm freaking trying to get through this and i feel mocked bc it is f*cking hard for me to do. i have pilates tonight. i can tell him i can only stay about an hour bc i have pilates. he can say what he needs to and i can go from there. i don't think 2 days is either, enough time to end it with her. but maybe it is a decision. i can tell by phone records if he is talking/seeing her. i can ask to see his messages on his phone too.
stillafool Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I wouldn't go over there to talk to him. As another poster said those things can be discussed by telephone. Seeing him willl only set you back and he knows this. He is not planning on leaving her to come back unless you show him clear signs that you are moving on and not going to take this sh$t anymore. Don't make it easy for him by letting him know he has you both. I swear if I were you I would change my phone number so the only way he could reach me is to come searching. By talking to him every other day or so you are not giving him an opportunity to know what it will be like to not have you around. You have to make him miss you if you want him to make a decision. Right now he has it both ways and he knows it.
stillafool Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 i've never even been through a breakup, this is the only man i have been with since i was 14. sorry it is hard for me to throw half my life and the person i love straight down drain without looking back. i'm freaking trying to get through this and i feel mocked bc it is f*cking hard for me to do. i have pilates tonight. i can tell him i can only stay about an hour bc i have pilates. he can say what he needs to and i can go from there. i don't think 2 days is either, enough time to end it with her. but maybe it is a decision. i can tell by phone records if he is talking/seeing her. i can ask to see his messages on his phone too. I think this is part of the problem and you do need to experience dating other men. You will see this guy is on the low end of the totem pole. If you were to start dating others you might see a big change in your ex.
Snowflower Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 i've never even been through a breakup, this is the only man i have been with since i was 14. sorry it is hard for me to throw half my life and the person i love straight down drain without looking back. i'm freaking trying to get through this and i feel mocked bc it is f*cking hard for me to do. It's unlikely that anyone here is asking you to throw half your life down the drain and not look back. Like someone else here said, many of us responding have been in your shoes and we know how difficult this is. I was in your shoes, too. If it feels like someone is mocking you then ignore them but please consider that the harshest advice is sometimes the best. Harsh advice can be objective advice. No one here wants to see you hurt any more than you already are.
CrayonAngel Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 so..what exactly are you here for? Is there something you want us to say to you? You are going to do what you want reguardless. We can sit here and baby you and say "go ahead and go over there TO HIM, make him feel that warm and fuzzy feeling he gets from spending time with you, and we will be here when he slams the door in your face again" Most of the people here have been through this. I haven't been through it to your extent but no ones pain is any more or any less because of how long they've been together. So quit playing the poor pitiful me game. Put your "big girl panties" on and slam the door in his face for once. Why do you feel like you owe him ANYTHING? He doesn't respect your M. So quit with the "baby steps" and start taking "grown up steps".
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 and i'm not sure what is considere an ultimatum. i have only in the past month or so began to even move in a direction. i've never really told him "do this" or i'm gone. i've told him i'm moving in a direction and to me he was with her. i haven't threatened him with divorce papers really. i have gotten pissed and name called and dropped f*bombs. i have distanced myself more this past month, believe it or not. i have said as long as he was with her i was moving forward bc he obviously didn't want to be with me. i have asked him to leave me alone. i don't think i'm strong enough yet for ultimatums. i'm just trying to get on my feet and do things for me to get stronger so i can eventually get to point to end it if he keeps chosing her bc i don't think he will ever let me go.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 i'm here because i'm confused and looking for answers. for experience and advice, support. advice is easy to give, especially when most of you have went through it. it is hard to do, i'm trying. i'm doing best i can.
Snowflower Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 and i'm not sure what is considere an ultimatum. An example of an ultimatum would be 'it's either her or me' and STICKING TO THIS. You also don't have to say anything and let your actions speak for themselves. You know the saying, 'talk is cheap but actions speak volumes.' It goes for both your husband and for you. i have only in the past month or so began to even move in a direction. i've never really told him "do this" or i'm gone. Well then maybe it is time you consider telling him something along these lines or better yet, follow through with actions.
CrayonAngel Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 So direct your anger somewhere else..get your life back. I hate the thought of someone sitting around waiting for that call, text, email..and when it doesn't come..you are dysfuntional. He has caused you so much pain so intead of getting into a yelling match with him sign up for a kickboxing class or write it all down somewhere..it really does help. Get your life back, you are young and there are plenty of opportunities out there, there are plenty of men out there that wont do this kind of **** to you. Do you really want a future with a cheater? What happens when you have children? get a little older..and things aren't as beautiful (if ya know what I mean) as they are now? where will he be?? Find some books on co-dependency and do everything in your power to plan his "emotional funeral"
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