HP1502 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I need some advice, well more that im trying to understand what has happened to my life. Sorry if this is a bit long winded but i need to get it all out. I got involved with a guy i worked for 2 years ago. The attraction was instant for both of us. We both fought off the feelings for 6 months before finally dating. Instantly he told me that he had been in love with me for over a year. He is 40 years old and has only had 1 other serious relationship before me which lasted 5 years. His reason for this not working out was that he did not love her or want to marry her so he finished it on holiday. He told me that he was made out to be the biggest B*****D on the planet. At the time i didnt feel the need to pry any further. 2 months after we started dating he panicked told me he could not see me and claimed it was because we worked together. His family also run his companies with him. He spoke to his mum and she told him not to be so silly, called me and apologised claiming that it freaked him out. Fast forward a year and he had still not told the rest of his family. I started to feel uneasy with this, confronted him and he in a very nasty way told me that i would never be spending the weekend with his f*****g family and then walking into work on a Monday morning. He then told me he couldnt do it anymore and finished the relationship. Claiming i was always complaining and that there was always something happening in my life and that he could not see it working out. I did not think this was an unreasonable request but he turned it all on me. 1 week later he contacted me and told me it would never happen again. Told me that he loved me and had actually never had the feelings for any one that he had for me nor had he ever been in love before. We discussed my leaving his company and getting a new job. He said it would make all the difference to our relationship. I got a new job, resigned and he told his family. Funny they knew all along even though he refused to believe this. I started my new job in January this year. It was the biggest mistake ever. The job put that much pressure on me that i couldnt cope. Because of the stress i was under he asked me if i wanted to start working part time. Now for me this was a big thing. The job i was in was at director level with 67 staff under my wing so it was like a breath of fresh air. I felt uneasy about his offer to help me financially but he pushed at it and said he wanted me to be happy so i excepted. Our relationship on a personal level was moving on. I had met his mum, spent mothers day with her and the family, was spending time at his brothers, spending more time at his place, my daughter was staying over at his place with me as well as this is what he wanted. He freaks out again, claims that he looks at the female wives in his family and that i may not want to have more children give up working etc?????? I do not know where this came from i really dont. He was about to walk away again. I managed to bring him out of his attack that time explaining that i did want the same thing as him. So here is were i stand today. Eight weeks ago we went to mexico. The first 5 days of the holiday were grand. Then i notice the bad mood. He snapped at me back in the uk and when i asked him what was wrong he said that he had jet lag. On the job front i was resigning when i got back. so the day after i got home i resigned, rang him and he didnt pick up. He rang me back 2 hours later in a bad mood. I told him i resigned and he snapped and told me that we were finished. Im thinking o my god you were helping me out thats what gave me the strength to resign. I was a mess, a complete mess and completely stressed out. I had my home and my daughter to think about. I didnt contact him until 4 days later to tell him that i had miscarried. Initally he said he was sorry about it asked a few questions and moved on. The conversation ended up in an argument. He hung up on me and wouldnt take any more of my calls. Im actually dying inside as i type this. When i did get hold of him he sounded quite annoyed though not nasty. I told him he needed to talk to me and he agreed but said at that moment in time he couldnt do it. I asked him not to leave it too long (guess i was looking for support with the miscarriage i really needed him) and to contact me. Well he didnt for a week so i messaged him to say he needed to talk to me and that if he had any respect for me he would. Ten minutes later the phone rang i answered and he shouted down the phone - im not f*****g marrying you its F*****g over. I was speechless!! I never asked him to marry me nor did i suggest it. He was the one obsessed with getting married and not me. He then proceeded to shout about the miscarriage quote - It wasn't F*****G PLANNED, WHAT THE F**k DO YOU WANT ME TO DO. Im dying inside with that comment i cant seem to get past it. He said i was too high a risk to marry because he thinks my bad temper (i dont have one and he admitted he has never seen it) would only come out if we got married and he would have to throw me out of his house??????? That there was always something, i was always complaining (refering to my stress with the job) and that we were from different worlds o and that I was only with him for money. 4 times he has said he doesnt want to marry me???? I asked him were that came from and he said i hinted? I never hinted he was the one looking at wedding prices and talking about the first dance at his wedding and waht sort of house he was going to build????????? He has deleted all my numbers, blocked me from facebook, asked me to take gifts back, lost quite a bit of weight, sold his car, changed the interior of his house. Drove his fathers car for 2 weeks, passing me most mornings travelling very slow, changed back to his own car and passing me at unbelievable speeds. Im lost this all came out of know where or did it?? Can someone please help me to understand what or were all this has come from. Im on week seven not doing to good with NC and emotionally dying inside. He hasnt one asked me if im ok re the miscarriage nor did he come to see if i was ok. Im dont understand how he could be so hurtful. Sorry to go on a bit but i think i needed to explain the background a bit. I really want to get over this but im not coping.
Heatemyheart89 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I think he sounds like he's emotionally disturbed.I'm sorry to heat your feeling dead inside.but I think nc is for the best.I don't mean to sound so casual about it but maybe it's for the best.I don't think it sounds like he can cope with a relationship at all. So sorry about the miscarriage aswell.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 i FEEL so bad for you!!!!! i understand a lot of what you are going through. my ex left me about a month ago... i also had a lot of stress in my life. he swore to help me through it all, even made the situation so i was somewhat financially dependent on him. it also took me a very long time to be introduced to his family as well. and i even suffered a miscarriage, unplanned like you, but it killed me inside. he didn't really want to talk about it and always said "it wasn't even a real baby" when i would try discuss the pain and loss i felt. i understand how much it hurts once you start to change your life for the man you are supposed to be with forever, and then out of the blue they leave!!!! i am still in the process of recovering. i have chosen to focus on my ex's negative qualities to help me move on. one of the things i discovered about him is he was a commitment phobe... does this sound like your ex: http://breakups.com/commitmentphobia.html ???? if so this information may help you move on like it has helped me. bottom line is this is a grown man who still acts like a little boy. he is afraid of a real relationship, afraid of commitment, and completely confused as to who he is and what he wants in life. you don't deserve to be treated the way he treated you... you deserve someone to love you completely, want you completely, and respect you completely. this man hasn't done this! and it is a bad example for your daughter to see you put up with his horrible behavior. take comfort in knowing that by moving on from this man you are doing yourself and your daughter a favor! one day you will find a man who will treat you the way you deserve, your ex is obviously incapable of doing this. it's sad to accept that the person you love isn't able to be a real man and step up to the plate, but after the pain subsides you will see he was never good enough for you! i truly hope you feel better soon!!! <3
Author HP1502 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Thank you both for your kind replys. Im beginning to think that he has a commitment phobia. Im just so confused about where it has all came from. As the weeks went on he got worse. To be in love with someone who tells you they love you more than anything else in this world 1 week before they jump ship is very confusing. NC is def the best option. Its the temptation to call him to give off thats killing me. I know i will get through it and it will take time.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 omg i know how you feel! my ex was so sweet the week he broke up with, telling me how much he loved me, his feelings were just as strong as in the beginning, talking more about becoming a father, saying he couldn't wait for us to move out, even look up apartments the night before he left!!!! he told me he still was in love with me but didn't want me anymore... basically he was just scared of us taking the next step. it sound like your guy is afraid of the next step too! what little babies "men" can be. i am doing no contact and it is a tough road but i am slowly getting better. you will too! hope you feel better soon <3
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