My brother's dating a "cougar"

[dazzle22]

She'll probably be really good for him. My husband is 12 years younger than me. I did not seek out a younger man, we just grew to be friends. I bring him stability, financial freedom, and he brings spontaneity and fun back into my life.

[donnamaybe]

(2) you just can't resist the put-down, can you? second nature to you . . .

 

Ahhh, you noticed that too, eh? Kinda hard to miss.

[janie423]

It's unlikely that the 38 year old got into the relationship accidentally. (1) Human beings are extremely conscious of any social differences between lovers, whether it's race, religion, age, class, etc. I see people make a big deal over a 5 year age gap. Courtney Cox's husband is only 8 years younger yet she's conscious of the difference.

 

Are you seriously gonna tell me that you believe a 38-year old woman (2) accidentally gets into a relationship with a man with 17 years her junior without regard to his age? Puh-leeze! That's total b.s. You're gonna tell me she hasn't thought about how it's gonna look to her friends, family, or to the public in general, when she goes around with her boytoy? You already said she looks wasted, washed up, a Plain Jane. You obviously know she's not going to turn any heads when she walks down the street, so she desperately chooses to spend her time and cash with a young man who gives her attention. You know what you're brother means when he says, "She takes care of me". She spends her cash on him. Quit trying to act like all this isn't obvious.

 

Besides, it doesn't matter if the cougar genuinely likes him, your little bro is bragging about being taken care of. That means he likes having her around her finger. Take a look at that chick's profile pic again. Does she look like the type of woman a 21-year old braggart wants to get into a serious relationship with? If she's really washed up and wasted as you say then I'd say (3) it's doubtful he's taking her seriously.

 

(1) speak for yourself

 

(2) this means they liked each other and each was not looking for a specific age

 

(3) all these labels, you obviously despise woman . . . you have no clue what intimacy is all about, therefore it is doubtful that anyone takes you seriously.

[janie423]

I've refuted all of your arguments with links to back up my statements and all you can do is take personal shots. Why are you unable to debate my arguments with logic and proof?

 

Anyway, I still stick with what I said before: it's ridiculous to say she got into the relationship accidentally without any regard to age. The OP thinks she looks washed up and wasted in her pic; it's likely her brother agrees. And it's also likely the woman doesn't think she has much to offer her brother besides money in exchanged for companionship. That's why she's "taking care" of that 21-year old.

 

these are not personal shots, they are observations and conclusions drawn based on your responses . . . and, you have not addressed my points at all, in fact, you only recognize those posts that support your position. Also, perhaps it is you that cannot read, because the OP did not use the word wasted to describe the woman. your links mean nothing and are not on topic, I might add.

[tigressA]

these are not personal shots, they are observations and conclusions drawn based on your responses . . . and, you have not addressed my points at all, in fact, you only recognize those posts that support your position. Also, perhaps it is you that cannot read, because the OP did not use the word wasted to describe the woman. your links mean nothing and are not on topic, I might add.

 

Agreed. I never used that word, and he's 22, not 21...

[FitChick]

A 38-year old woman can still get pregnant. Ask him what type of birth control she uses. That would be one way she could trap him -- the oldest trick in the female's arsenal!

 

Wolf is the term for older man/younger woman, isn't it? Perhaps it's fallen out of fashion.

[TheBigQuestion]

What's this I see? Another thread originally about a relatively worthy topic of discussion being hijacked by people who can't handle the fact that human beings use labels to more easily categorize other human beings, proceed to take it personally, and then assume that anyone who uses a label "despises" women? Ahh, LS is so predictable sometimes. It's not hard to figure out which threads are going to be hijacked by people with sticks up their asses just by reading their titles.

[alphamale]

I still can't believe they put it on Facebook...

people are insane.

[Eeyore79]

he gets a constant ego boost from an experienced older woman finding him attractive, he gets "taken care of", gets a woman who more than likely has a hearty sexual appetite since she's going after a younger man in the first place, and on top of that, there's less risk of pregnancy because of age. I don't think my brother ever wants kids.

 

A 38yo woman is still perfectly capable of having kids - in fact she's at that age where it's her last chance to have kids and she'll trap any man she can get. If she gets pregnant by accident, she's likely to want to keep it since it might be her last chance to have kids, whereas a younger woman might be more reasonable about not keeping it. If she wants kids, she might even try to get pregnant on purpose while there's still time. Your brother ought to watch out

[BobSacamento]

Further proof that women are truly their worst enemy.

[janie423]

What's this I see? Another thread originally about a relatively worthy topic of discussion being hijacked by people who can't handle the fact that human beings use labels to more easily categorize other human beings, proceed to take it personally, and then assume that anyone who uses a label "despises" women? Ahh, LS is so predictable sometimes. It's not hard to figure out which threads are going to be hijacked by people with sticks up their asses just by reading their titles.

 

maybe if you read through all of the posts you'd know what you are talking about rather than coming on here judging and pontificating and not making any valuable contribution to the thread . . . and then maybe you can get the baseball bat out of yours at that point . . .

[tigressA]

A 38yo woman is still perfectly capable of having kids - in fact she's at that age where it's her last chance to have kids and she'll trap any man she can get. If she gets pregnant by accident, she's likely to want to keep it since it might be her last chance to have kids, whereas a younger woman might be more reasonable about not keeping it. If she wants kids, she might even try to get pregnant on purpose while there's still time. Your brother ought to watch out

 

Right. I do know that she could still get pregnant. I meant to convey it in more long-term terms--if for whatever reason it got that far...that's another reason to worry about him too. Since he's still easily influenced, she could be capable of convincing him that she's on the Pill or something...and then boom, he's a future daddy...

[janie423]

A 38yo woman is still perfectly capable of having kids - in fact she's at that age where it's her last chance to have kids and she'll trap any man she can get. If she gets pregnant by accident, she's likely to want to keep it since it might be her last chance to have kids, whereas a younger woman might be more reasonable about not keeping it. If she wants kids, she might even try to get pregnant on purpose while there's still time. Your brother ought to watch out

 

I think, if that were her sole motivation, a sperm bank would be easier and, assuming she is "taking care of him" financially, much cheaper . . . women don't need partners to have babies anymore.

[TheBigQuestion]

maybe if you read through all of the posts you'd know what you are talking about rather than coming on here judging and pontificating and not making any valuable contribution to the thread . . . and then maybe you can get the baseball bat out of yours at that point . . .

 

I wouldn't have been able to come to the conclusion that this thread has pretty much descended into another pointless quibble about an innocuous term (with a few relevant posts sprinkled in between) without reading through all the posts in the first place.

 

Just like any other word, the context in which it is used makes all the difference. There may not be a popular male equivalent of a "cougar" in present-day English, but that doesn't mean that people never remark, whether positively or negatively, about a couple where the man is significantly older than the woman. Older men are frequently accused of "robbing the cradle," and this can be done in a light-hearted/sarcastic fashion or it can have a negative connotation that is DEPENDENT ON THE ATTITUDE OF THE SPEAKER. People's attitudes will vary when this type of thing is called to their attention.

 

Likewise, the term cougar, which someone already explained has been embraced and propagated by many women, is not used exclusively in either a positive or negative light. In my experience, men certainly do not look down upon cougars. Maybe some women do? I honestly have no idea. Either way, why take offense to a term that simply denotes a preference? That would be like me getting offended for being called an "ass man" because it happens to be my favorite female body part, and I prefer my partners to have nice ones.

 

Additionally, if women want to embrace the term cougar, it is not your place to assume that women who don't embrace it are "more enlightened." I personally find nothing enlightened about people who jump at any opportunity to demonstrate outrage at being offended by simple categorizations.

[txsilkysmoothe]

in fact she's at that age where it's her last chance to have kids and she'll trap any man she can get. If she gets pregnant by accident, she's likely to want to keep it since it might be her last chance to have kids, If she wants kids, she might even try to get pregnant on purpose while there's still time. Your brother ought to watch out

 

 

Did I miss the post that said she doesn't already have a kid or that she even wants a kid?

 

OP, did you mean she is financially taking care of him?

 

There also seems to be an assumption that the man can get a more attractive woman. Whose to say they aren't evenly matched in looks? (No offense OP)

 

 

It's rather sad all the assumptions being made about this woman simply because she is dating a younger man. Why can't they both be in it for fun without any motives to use the other?

[janie423]

I wouldn't have been able to come to the conclusion that this thread has (1) pretty much descended into another pointless quibble about an innocuous term (with a few relevant posts sprinkled in between) without reading through all the posts in the first place.

 

 

Likewise, the term cougar, which someone already explained has been embraced and propagated by many women, is not used exclusively in either a positive or negative light. In my experience, (2) men certainly do not look down upon cougars. Maybe some women do? I honestly have no idea. Either way, why take offense to a term that simply denotes a preference? That would be like me getting offended for being called an "ass man" because it happens to be my favorite female body part, and I prefer my partners to have nice ones.

 

Additionally, if women want to embrace the term cougar, (3) it is not your place to assume that women who don't embrace it are "more enlightened." I personally find nothing enlightened about people who (4) jump at any opportunity to demonstrate outrage at being offended by simple categorizations.

 

(1) and who are you to judge the relevant value of these posts?

 

(2) maybe you don't, but one poster in particular made degrading comments about such women and it was he I was responding to, not men in general, so your judgement as to whether or not my post is relevant is truly self-righteous on your part. there were other labels this poster has used regarding women that many women posters have found degrading so it is not your place to decide how I am to react to someone's post.

 

(3) yes it is my place to determine what constitutes an enlightened person to me. as far as your criticism, duly noted. you have merely degraded my opinions . . . you are free to waste your time in whatever manner you choose.

 

(4) this is not what has occurred here and you know it, you are grandstanding and pontificating and you still have yet to contribute something substantive to this thread . . .

[TheBigQuestion]

(1) and who are you to judge the relevant value of these posts?

 

(2) maybe you don't, but one poster in particular made degrading comments about such women and it was he I was responding to, not men in general, so your judgement as to whether or not my post is relevant is truly self-righteous on your part. there were other labels this poster has used regarding women that many women posters have found degrading so it is not your place to decide how I am to react to someone's post.

 

(3) yes it is my place to determine what constitutes an enlightened person to me. as far as your criticism, duly noted. you have merely degraded my opinions . . . you are free to waste your time in whatever manner you choose.

 

(4) this is not what has occurred here and you know it, you are grandstanding and pontificating and you still have yet to contribute something substantive to this thread . . .

 

1. Considering this was a thread about the relationship dynamics between the OP's brother and his new 38 year old ladyfriend, debating the appropriateness of the term "cougar" was unlikely to have been the original intent of the thread. Somewhere along the line, someone took issue with the use of the term "cougar" and others contributed to it. I'm a part of a few other unrelated message boards, and some of them would've already locked a thread like this because of too many off-topic posts. It's not a matter of personal opinion, it's a simple FACT that this thread went way off topic. Sure, I may be contributing by replying to you, but it's worth pointing out that a huge portion of threads on this forum go south because virtually no one can let go of the fact that some people use certain terms to categorize others. If people can start getting the hell over themselves, we might have ourselves a pleasant forum here.

 

2. The outrage displayed towards the use of the term is what sparked that particular argument in the first place. Someone made disparaging remarks about cougars. So what?? Does this imply that the word can ONLY denote negative traits? People could've easily made disparaging remarks about the opposite situation. Do you have any idea how many times I've heard women talk about how guys in their 40s who date women in their 20s are "disgusting" and "immature" and are "only taking advantage of them?" I can't deny that there is potential truth in both situations, and anyone sensible would agree.

 

3. As long as you recognize that this is YOUR standard and not that it should be a universal standard, knock yourself out.

 

4. That's exactly what I've seen in this thread.

[janie423]

1. Considering this was a thread about the relationship dynamics between the OP's brother and his new 38 year old ladyfriend, debating the appropriateness of the term "cougar" was unlikely to have been the original intent of the thread. Somewhere along the line, someone took issue with the use of the term "cougar" and others contributed to it. I'm a part of a few other unrelated message boards, and some of them would've already locked a thread like this because of too many off-topic posts. It's not a matter of personal opinion, it's a simple FACT that this thread went way off topic. Sure, I may be contributing by replying to you, but it's worth pointing out that a huge portion of threads on this forum go south because virtually no one can let go of the fact that some people use certain terms to categorize others. If people can start getting the hell over themselves, we might have ourselves a pleasant forum here.

 

2. The outrage displayed towards the use of the term is what sparked that particular argument in the first place. Someone made disparaging remarks about cougars. So what?? Does this imply that the word can ONLY denote negative traits? People could've easily made disparaging remarks about the opposite situation. Do you have any idea how many times I've heard women talk about how guys in their 40s who date women in their 20s are "disgusting" and "immature" and are "only taking advantage of them?" I can't deny that there is potential truth in both situations, and anyone sensible would agree.

 

3. As long as you recognize that this is YOUR standard and not that it should be a universal standard, knock yourself out.

 

4. That's exactly what I've seen in this thread.

 

The OP referred to her as a cougar. It is not just the negative remarks about cougars, it is the fact that the relationship is looked upon suspiciously because of the age difference, THAT IS MY MAIN POINT. Just because a woman dates a younger man does not mean she PREFERS younger men. It just means that in this situation the man HAPPENS to be younger. My issue is: why she is labeled a cougar (defined as a woman whose preference is younger men) just because she happens to date a younger man at this point in time? Maybe she actually prefers older men but fell for this guy. All manner of comments from posters about how he is using her, she is desperate, she just wants a child - when in fact this could be REAL LOVE and people are knocking it down, degrading the value of the relationship. It is that that I find so unfair.

 

somehow I just can't seem to get that across to some posters . . .

[SarahRose]

I am so with you on this. Why do we have this label for older women when we do not have a label like that for older men? Older men have been dating and marrying women much younger than themselves for centuries, so why don't they have a pejorative name, too? Instead, even in those cases, the woman is yet again labeled - trophy gf or trophy wife, or gold-digger, or she "has daddy issues".

 

They do, old goat comes to mind lol

[Woggle]

They do, old goat comes to mind lol

 

You also have dirty old man.

[janie423]

They do, old goat comes to mind lol

 

haha . . . here's another one . . . old geiser (yuk!)

[SarahRose]

At 22, my brother's a year younger than me. He's been living/working in a large city for the last 4 years or so. I looked at his Facebook recently and it said he was "In a Relationship with __________________". I clicked on the woman's name and it went to what it could show me of her profile, including her picture. I thought she looked a little strange--like a bit washed-up, if you know what I mean. But then I just came to the conclusion that she was a plain-Jane.

 

Turns out, she's 38 years old. I sent him a message asking him about the new relationship and he bragged, saying she's "such a good woman, she treats me real good, takes care of me". And I'm thinking, "Uh-huh...sugar mama." I was just really surprised by him doing that. He never seemed like the type.

 

But then I realized that there were several advantages for him in that sort of relationship--he gets a constant ego boost from an experienced older woman finding him attractive, he gets "taken care of", gets a woman who more than likely has a hearty sexual appetite since she's going after a younger man in the first place, and on top of that, there's less risk of pregnancy because of age. I don't think my brother ever wants kids.

 

I guess I'm happy for him, but I still wonder. I'm a bit concerned that eventually he'll get bored but may have trouble breaking it off with her. I still can't believe they put it on Facebook...

 

Why do you even care? My husband is a lot younger than I am and we have a lot in common and a lot of fun. You youngsters sure are narrow minded with your black and white thinking.

[janie423]

Why do you even care? My husband is a lot younger than I am and we have a lot in common and a lot of fun. You youngsters sure are narrow minded with your black and white thinking./QUOTE]

 

FINALLY SOMEBODY SAID IT!!! :laugh:

 

no offense young people . . .

[tigressA]

What do you mean by that? Do you mean they genuinely like each other on a person to person level? If that's what you mean then I doubt it.

 

Her: she's described as a washed-up Plain-Jane.

 

Him: described as sexually inexperienced, emotionally immature, petty lawbreaker, who is barely of legal drinking age, and has only been living on his own for around 4 yrs.

 

In addition, they're 16 years apart. What could they possibly have in common that draws them together?

 

It's obvious she's financially taking care of him in exchange for sexual attention. His bragging about his relationship to his sister. The OP knows her lil bro and is skeptical about this relationship with good cause.

 

He bragged about it not only to me, but even to our great-aunts, who of course are up in arms about it...kind of in poor taste. I don't know if our dad knows. I can only imagine what he thinks.

 

I really don't think that my brother needs literal taking care of financially. He's been stable in that regard for awhile, but he does love to party and he does love money, so it could be more incentive than support if that is the case.

 

SarahRose, I care about it because he's my brother. He has a lifelong history of making less-than-informed/intelligent decisions, and because of that I can't help but wonder if this is yet another one of them.

Edited May 26, 2010 by tigressA

[SarahRose]

He bragged about it not only to me, but even to our great-aunts, who of course are up in arms about it...kind of in poor taste. I don't know if our dad knows. I can only imagine what he thinks.

 

I really don't think that my brother needs literal taking care of financially. He's been stable in that regard for awhile, but he does love to party and he does love money, so it could be more incentive than support if that is the case.

 

SarahRose, I care about it because he's my brother. He has a lifelong history of making less-than-informed/intelligent decisions, and I'm wondering if this is yet another one of them.

 

:lmao: How much life could he have possibly had at the ripe old age of 23? Seriously, don't you have a life of your own to tend to?