Wife's Weight Gain

[cp3]

Ive been married for just under a year and I love my wife very much. Everything has been pretty good, except for this. She has gained over 15lbs since our marriage. Its hurt our relationship in several ways.

 

First off, she always talks about how she hates the way she looks. She is still very attractive, but people have noticed and even commented on her weight gain. (Not me) Its to the point where she will even cry about her weight gain, she hates me seeing her naked, and she hasnt worn lingerie since our honeymoon. Our sex life has become stale, and I know its been frustrating for both of us.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. About 5 months ago we both joined the gym so we could get into good shape. Ive gotten into decent shape, but she has only gained more weight since then. Its not a big deal to me, but when I see her so upset about the way she looks, and when we rarely have sex, then yea it has been frustrating. She has started and stopped at least 7 diets, and everytime she starts a new one she only sticks with it for maybe 2-3 days before she goes back to eating whatever. I feel like she has no self-control. She will do really good on her diet for a few days, and then for no known reason she sabotages herself and eats a bag of cookies or something. Its frustrating for me to see her do it because I know the next day she'll regret it and go back to hating the way she looks. I just dont know what to do anymore.

[rewe4reel]

Ive been married for just under a year and I love my wife very much. Everything has been pretty good, except for this. She has gained over 15lbs since our marriage. Its hurt our relationship in several ways.

 

It's easy to gain a 10-15 lbs. over a year. 100 extra calories a day = ~10 lbs. per year weight gain. Can happen when you have a life change, the freshman ten, etc. Her behavior patterns probably changed a little bit after getting married.

 

100 calories/day is like nothing. That's like one Oreo, maybe even half an oreo. A bagel is like 400 calories. A can of soda is 150 calories, as is a beer.

 

So if she's eating one extra bagel and one or two extra cookies a week over the course of a year, she could easily put on ten lbs.

 

Also, 100 calories is about a mile of walking. If her activity level dipped down a little bit that would also contribute to the weight gain.

 

Maybe things are busier after the marriage, more take out/fast food, that's a killer if you're trying to watch the calories. I mean a typical fast food meal has thousands of calories in it. Or let's say you order a pizza more frequently. A slice of pizza has 500 or more calories. It's easy to gobble down two or three slices and you've just contributed to the bulge.

 

 

 

 

First off, she always talks about how she hates the way she looks. She is still very attractive, but people have noticed and even commented on her weight gain. (Not me) Its to the point where she will even cry about her weight gain, she hates me seeing her naked, and she hasnt worn lingerie since our honeymoon. Our sex life has become stale, and I know its been frustrating for both of us.

 

Well why don't you tell her not to worry, why don't you start doing the shopping, if you're not, buy healthier selections, and maybe you could start doing the cooking?

 

Also buy a treadmill for a few hundred dollars put it in front of the tv and just start using it. Don't tell her to use it, if you use it, she will copy you.

 

15 minutes on the treadmill each day which is a piece of cake and by the end of the summer the problem will be solved. She might not lose all of the 15 but she will lose 5 or more lbs. and that will encourage her.

 

 

 

I dont know what to do anymore. About 5 months ago we both joined the gym so we could get into good shape. Ive gotten into decent shape, but she has only gained more weight since then.

 

A gym can be a pain because you actually have to go there. Also there are other people and she might be self conscious working out with others around. She may look at the hot bodies there and feel discouraged.

 

I'm telling you man invest in a decent sturdy treadmill for the home.

 

 

Its not a big deal to me, but when I see her so upset about the way she looks, and when we rarely have sex, then yea it has been frustrating. She has started and stopped at least 7 diets, and everytime she starts a new one she only sticks with it for maybe 2-3 days before she goes back to eating whatever. I feel like she has no self-control. She will do really good on her diet for a few days, and then for no known reason she sabotages herself and eats a bag of cookies or something. Its frustrating for me to see her do it because I know the next day she'll regret it and go back to hating the way she looks. I just dont know what to do anymore.

 

Diets don't really work for most people. Slightly cutting back on the calorie consumption, and increasing the activity level, will safely modify her fat-burning equilibrium. She is probably starving herself on very calorie-restrictive diets which many people do. However the body interprets this as starvation resulting in a subsequent binge.

 

Since she has so many issues with her appearance and the weight, I suggest that you take as much of the burden of the shopping, cooking, etc. as you can, so it's less of a stress for her. You buy the food, you cook it, and then she doesn't have to stress out over it so much.

 

Buy lots of fruits, vegetables, and grains even if it's more expensive, cut back on the red meat, try not to have too much "junk food" in the house. Don't totally deprive yourself or your wife because if you don't have a little bit of sweet stuff you'll go crazy. Don't but the big economy size of Doritos, get the little tiny one portion bag. Etc.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Ive been married for just under a year and I love my wife very much. Everything has been pretty good, except for this. She has gained over 15lbs since our marriage. Its hurt our relationship in several ways.

 

First off, she always talks about how she hates the way she looks. She is still very attractive, but people have noticed and even commented on her weight gain. (Not me) Its to the point where she will even cry about her weight gain, she hates me seeing her naked, and she hasnt worn lingerie since our honeymoon. Our sex life has become stale, and I know its been frustrating for both of us.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. About 5 months ago we both joined the gym so we could get into good shape. Ive gotten into decent shape, but she has only gained more weight since then. Its not a big deal to me, but when I see her so upset about the way she looks, and when we rarely have sex, then yea it has been frustrating. She has started and stopped at least 7 diets, and everytime she starts a new one she only sticks with it for maybe 2-3 days before she goes back to eating whatever. I feel like she has no self-control. She will do really good on her diet for a few days, and then for no known reason she sabotages herself and eats a bag of cookies or something. Its frustrating for me to see her do it because I know the next day she'll regret it and go back to hating the way she looks. I just dont know what to do anymore.

 

What did she weigh when you got married, 80 lbs??? You go to be kidding that 15 lbs has caused such an issue, multiple diets and has others talking.

[stillafool]

Why has she gained 15 lbs. in under a year? I thought newlyweds were "doing it all the time" and that keeps weight off. Is she unhappy? Did she lose weight for her wedding day and this is just her normal weight coming back? You guys need to get to the root of the problem quickly or next year you will be saying she has gained 30lbs since you married.

[Jilly Bean]

Question - did your wife struggle with her weight before she met you?

 

If the answer is no, then I would say her current weight gain is all emotional.

 

If the answer is yes, then unfortunately, she wrangled you into marrying what you thought was a thin person, and is really a larger person waiting to emerge.

 

I suspect it's emotional, however, which is difficult to treat. Because it means your wife needs to admit on her own what her problem is, OR, seek therapy to figure out why she is suddenly ballooning. The answers there are limitless.

 

And to the poster who questioned 15 pounds being substantial - unless you are already over 200 pounds, 15 is going to make a difference to most women.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Question - did your wife struggle with her weight before she met you?

 

If the answer is no, then I would say her current weight gain is all emotional.

 

If the answer is yes, then unfortunately, she wrangled you into marrying what you thought was a thin person, and is really a larger person waiting to emerge.

 

I suspect it's emotional, however, which is difficult to treat. Because it means your wife needs to admit on her own what her problem is, OR, seek therapy to figure out why she is suddenly ballooning. The answers there are limitless.

 

And to the poster who questioned 15 pounds being substantial - unless you are already over 200 pounds, 15 is going to make a difference to most women.

 

to react as OP has over 15 lbs is insulting. Does one's body change with 15 lbs, of course yes it can, but often for the better. Are you all that shallow????

 

I will admit there may be other issues......

[cp3]

Ill try and answer all the questions that have been posed.

 

First off, she didnt "struggle" with weight before we got married, in fact she never talked about it and was in good shape. (She weighed like 145 and shes 5'-7") So the extra 15lbs are noticable. And this is all news to me since we got married. I even commented on her confidence and how I loved it, but she gained almost 7-8lbs within a month of being married and shes struggled with body issues ever since. Im assuming it was always there and she was just pretending, since 7-8lbs isnt a big deal to most people..

 

Second, it was suggested to get a treadmill and start using it. That would be very obvious in our case as I am actually trying to gain weight. If I did that it would be an obvious signal that I want her to use it.

 

Another thing that I didnt mention that Im worried about is she used to be bulimic when she was like 14-15yrs old. It lasted for a year before her parents found out and got her help. But shes always had issues with her weight because her brothers and especially her aunt would always make fun of her weight. Should I be worried that she could go back into this behavior? I havent noticed anything suspicious, but sometimes I go to bed before she does and I realize when I get up in the morning that she ate quite a bit while I was asleep. Almost like shes hiding how much she eats from me.

 

And again, I dont make a big deal out of 15lbs, but she does. And I have to be honest Im afraid that its just going to keep piling on and shes going to weight 200+ only a couple years into our marriage.

[Mimolicious]

Is she on a new form of birth control?

 

Has she checked her thyroids?

 

Your wife may want to see a physician and have few test done. What you may see as an "eating like a hog" weight gain, may be a serious health issue.

[cp3]

to react as OP has over 15 lbs is insulting. Does one's body change with 15 lbs, of course yes it can, but often for the better. Are you all that shallow????

 

I will admit there may be other issues......

 

Did you read everything I wrote? I HAVE NEVER made the 15lbs an issue. The reason its an issue is because she hates the way she looks (no matter how much I tell her how pretty she is), she hates me seeing her naked now, she never wears lingerie (which isnt a big deal), but most importantly we rarely have sex because of it. Which is a fairly big thing for a newly married couple.

[cp3]

Is she on a new form of birth control?

 

Has she checked her thyroids?

 

Your wife may want to see a physician and have few test done. What you may see as an "eating like a hog" weight gain, may be a serious health issue.

 

Shes changed birth control like 2-3 times since we've been married. (For various reasons)

 

And shes only 22, could thyroids be an issue that young? (I dont know anything about them)

[Mimolicious]

Shes changed birth control like 2-3 times since we've been married. (For various reasons)

 

And shes only 22, could thyroids be an issue that young? (I dont know anything about them)

 

 

Yes they can!! And the birth control may also have something to do with it.It can be 1000 different things- emotional, mental, inactivity, etc... but you gotta start weeding out what may be causing it. IMO, the doc's office sounds like the most logical option to start with.

[xxoo]

The birth control pills alone could easily acct for that weight change.

 

But the bigger issue is not the weight. The bigger issue is her self esteem, and why a weight gain of 15 pounds means she doesn't want you to see her naked and have sex. She is more important than a number on a scale, and sexy comes in lots of sizes. I know that YOU understand this, cp3, but SHE needs to understand it.

 

Can you talk to her from that perspective? Do you ever make comments about finding women her current size (and above) really sexy?

[califnan]

Since she used to be bulimic, that could be part of your problem.. At any rate, I'm sorry that she is dropping this on a new husband.. She should either try to cut back and exercise - or not bother you with it.

 

I know you are trying to gain weight .. but still, if you walked her that would be helpful..

 

And yes, I am in agreement with the poster. Birth control pills can cause weight gain ..

[KikiW]

Agree with Mimo, I think there are other issues at play. gaining half of her extra weight in the month after marriage is a red flag. Perhaps she was finally letting herself "breathe" emotionally and let herself go, suddenly the weight piled on and now she's miserable. Pile that on top of her prior eating issues (poor her for getting crap from her family), plus whatever other stressors there might be and it's not a huge surprise she's put a few pounds on.

 

See if you can get her to a couple of doctors - reassure her that this is not because you want her to "lose the fat", but because you see she is very unhappy and there is probably a way to fix that. Get a physical and full bloodwork, and have her see a therapist. Hopefully one of those docs will be able to find the root cause(s) and treat her appropriately. Good luck.

[JamesM]

What did she weigh when you got married, 80 lbs??? You go to be kidding that 15 lbs has caused such an issue, multiple diets and has others talking.

 

I agree. 15# is not alot...but the issue here I am guessing is her reaction to the weight gain. If my wife gains 15# it is noticeable but not a major difference. She is 5' 6".

 

15# should not be causing such a big deal if there is nothing else involved. Methinks there is.

 

Since she used to be bulimic, that could be part of your problem..

 

It very well could be that she is turning to bulimia due to the major changes in life. Marriage is a big deal. Perhaps your relationship is not as rosy as you think it is. Most marriages go through a rough time during the first year or so.

 

My wife was bulimic and this did rear its ugly head a little when we first were married. I strongly suggest that if you discover she is binge eating, then you should try to get her in to see a counselor. Also, antidepressants would be good.

 

All is not well with her, and I think it is much more than her simply eating more. She may be binge eating as a way to feel better emotionally for whatever reason. The longer you wait (or she waits) to solve this, the harder it will be to fix.

[cp3]

Agree with Mimo, I think there are other issues at play. gaining half of her extra weight in the month after marriage is a red flag. Perhaps she was finally letting herself "breathe" emotionally and let herself go, suddenly the weight piled on and now she's miserable. Pile that on top of her prior eating issues (poor her for getting crap from her family), plus whatever other stressors there might be and it's not a huge surprise she's put a few pounds on.

 

See if you can get her to a couple of doctors - reassure her that this is not because you want her to "lose the fat", but because you see she is very unhappy and there is probably a way to fix that. Get a physical and full bloodwork, and have her see a therapist. Hopefully one of those docs will be able to find the root cause(s) and treat her appropriately. Good luck.

 

Yea I agree with you. Shes even commented before that she uses food as comfort. Whether shes mad, anxious, stressed out.. She uses food to make herself feel better. And Im sure that alot has piled on for her emotionally since we've been married. It hasnt always been easy.

 

I think it will be tough to convince her to go to a doctor. Im positive she will think that Im only doing it so she'll lose weight. But I know that she needs the help. Shes had to deal with alot emotionally over her life.. And other than alchol and food I dont think she knows how to deal with her problems. But as soon as she eats "comfort food", I know she hates herself for doing it immediately after and its hard for me to understand this process. I just want to rip the food out of her hands when shes doing this and "wake" her up.. But I know that wont help either.

[KikiW]

Oh I know that feeling - needing to feel better, grabbing something absolutely delicious and consuming it with gusto, getting that wonderful semi-full feeling, feeling muscles relax, and then wanting that continue with a second helping (or finishing a larger portion than is necessary). Except at the end the feeling betrays you because your stomach is over-full and the guilt begins.

 

This sounds more emotional than physical. You really need to encourage her to seek some help. If she refuses, you may need to prepare yourself for an unhappy marriage. In refusing to get help, she will remain depressed and miserable, which will in turn make you depressed and miserable.

 

She is young, but she has to know that being a wife means being an active partner in the marriage. She has to be told that her misery will go beyond just herself and then it's not just about her anymore. I also hope that any family plans are not on the table right now. Bringing a baby into the mix before her issues are addressed will only add to the problem.

 

I am sorry to be a downer, but I really think she needs help NOW before it spirals out of control.

 

PS: If you need to gain weight, you can still get a treadmill - exercise builds muscles, which adds weight. Plus, you can pick up a couple of hand weights so after you treadmill you can further build your muscles. I adore my treadmill, I really recommend one.

[Lecturer]

The bulimia thing is the likely culprit. What JamesM says is bang on. People think of bulimia and they think of purging... they don't always think of the binge eating, which seems to be exactly what your wife is doing.

 

Emotional issues are often self-medicated using something that produces pleasure/euphoria. Obviously drugs and alcohol are the most well known, but there is also the use of sex, food, and self-injury.. just to name a few. Bulimics use food as their self-medication of choice.

 

I believe your wife is dealing with unpleasant life issues with food. Of course, this is creating a downward spiral, as the weight gain only amplifies her need for further binge eating.

 

Side note: A woman gaining weight in the first year of marriage, specifically in the first year of a her living with a man for the first time, is very common. Generally women require far fewer calories than a man, yet they start to mirror the man's diet. Naturally, this results in weight gain and has to be consciously avoided. This happened with my wife and the wives of ALL my friends.

[just_some_guy]

I have lived with someone with severe eating disorder and it didn't stop until her health was at threat ( over 300lbs) and the marriage pretty much in shambles.

 

15lbs is noticeable, but not a serious amount of weight. However, it is the emotional baggage and consequences that you are dealing with, as you have made clear.

 

You are seeing the tip of the iceberg. The bulimia problem as a teen is a big clue that she has some pretty serious emotional issues going on. It is time to seek professional help. She needs individual counseling for herself, and as a couple you should consider some therapy together. Starting one may lead to the other happening. But this is something to start work on together, with professional help, now.