AppleGirl Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Back again...what a great life I have Anyway, backstory...me 36, him 37. We have lived together for 2 years. I am divorced and he is in the process of divorcing. The problem(s): It has been 2 YEARS and he is still not divorced. I am almost ready to blow up. He is notoriously slack and laissez faire about life and this has spilled over into his divorce as well. It is driving me insane as I am very proactive and like things done yesterday. I cannot stand having "things" hanging over my head and am therefore extremely responsible with things in relation to finances, job, children, life. Him, not so much. I feel like he is disrespecting "US" and our commitment to one another by not doing everything humanely possible to get divorced as soon as possible. Problem #2: In the beginning, we both agreed that we were going to get married and were meant for one another. So, we both shelled out BIG bucks for me to have a tubal reversal so that we could have a baby together. His enthusiasm for us to have a baby has waned and he is lukewarm, at best. He says he feels like he needs to "take care of all his other issues ie divorce, subsequent bankruptcy, job" before he can focus on all our issues fully. Well, excuse me but I have waited around patiently for 2 and a half freaking years for him to get his act together. I am not getting any younger here. I am 4 years away from 40. I am almost middle aged for cripes sake. I need to know if I should just throw in the towel, or if I should wait it out longer. I am so frustrated that I have given several years to this relationship, thinking we were headed in the same direction. But now I wonder if we ever were, at all?
Fouts Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 So everything in the relationship that was positive and moving forward 2 years ago, is negative and regressing now? I would say that's a trend, not a likely catalyst for change and progress. Not many relationships can turn out of that downward spiral.
Krytie TV Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 As for point #1: Divorce would be lovely and beautiful if it only involved 1 person. Throw in a second person and things become far less predictable. When I got divorced, if we had my way it would have taken 2 weeks and cost $250. Nope, she was not happy with that. SHE decided that it was more important that everyone pay MORE than the divorce was worth to hire attorneys and argue for 12 months. Bad business plan but entertaining for her I suppose. #2: Get over yourself. I completely support his want to have the divorce settles before starting a whole new family. Why is this such a problem for you? You sound kinda selfish.
Author AppleGirl Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 #2: Get over yourself. I completely support his want to have the divorce settles before starting a whole new family. Why is this such a problem for you? You sound kinda selfish. I take offence with you calling me "selfish". I am anything but. Perhaps I should of added in my original post that when my bf decided that we should start a family that I had an $8000 surgery that we each paid half for. It was not covered by Medicare. May I also add that it was major abdominal surgery, requiring me to be laid up (without pay) for 6 weeks. In total, I lost over $7000 by agreeing to have this surgery, not including the pain and suffering that I endured as a result....and all because he said we were going to start a family. I have every right to be upset. I am hardly selfish.
stillafool Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Give him a time ultamatum and stick with it. If he doesn't divorce and move out by such time, move on and never look back.
Krytie TV Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 He paid half. Sounds fair. And I miss where you said he has told you he doesn't want to start a family. He said after his divorce. What's the problem? He's not divorced yet. Sounds like you're trying to change the rules on him after the game started.
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Does he still talk to or see his (ex) wife? If yes, then you two have a real problem. If no, it could be, having a baby is one thing but getting married (again) he isn't ready for yet. Talk to him, and listen to one another. Instead of throwing ultimatiums at him, hear him out and somehow you two can make a compromise. In the meantime, just enjoy what you have with him. Life is short!
candymoon Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 His enthusiasm for us to have a baby has waned and he is lukewarm, at best. He says he feels like he needs to "take care of all his other issues ie divorce, subsequent bankruptcy, job" before he can focus on all our issues fully. That doesn't sound unreasonable. Yes, 2 years in and it feels like forever, but in the span of a relationship 2 years in not long at all. 2 years is just enough time for the honeymoon period to wear off and we get to see just who, exactly, our SOs really are and vice versa. He made you promises he can't fulfill at the moment and that's disappointing. But you can't expect much more from someone who is still technically married. Maybe he is waffling on signing the papers as they come, or hasnt even filed yet. Doesn't matter. Emotionally, he's not finished grieving the loss of that relationship, not his stbxw per se. I'd say he won't be good on fulfilling those promises for at least a year or 2 after the D is final. So you can either wait and see, or re-enter the dating pool. Chances are you'll find someone, date, fall in love, and decide to start a family in the time it takes this guy to get over it. In either case, you don't really lose time at all.
Enema Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 He says he feels like he needs to "take care of all his other issues ie divorce, subsequent bankruptcy, job" before he can focus on all our issues fully. He's unemployed and about to declare bankruptcy? ...and you want to have a baby?
jenifer1972 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 You sound like 180 degree opposites in how you approach life. He is very laisse faire, you like to take the bull by the horns and go for it ASAP. I think you will hate each other in a few years. You should find someone with a more parallel approach to life. I think that is likely why he is dragging his feet. He doesn't want to go there subconsciously.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I don't know much about the backstory, but did your divorce have anything to do with him? Are you the other woman? I think it was harsh for other posters to call you selfish, maybe just a bit frustrated and impatient? I don't know why you'd settled for a separated man but he somehow managed to " string" you along for those two years with promises of having a family together. Maybe somewhere along the way, he feels that he doesn't want a divorce or even if he wanted one, he doesn't want to be tied down again? All I know is that if someone really wants something, nothing in the world would stop them. And really how hard is it to divorce, minus contacting a lawyer and signing papers ( if worst come to worst, dividing custody and working out alimony). Yes, you have a right to be angry, but you can't make someone do anything, even if they're lazy.
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I'm kind of confused with this..I went back and read some of your other threads. You two have more problems that need to be solved and having a baby isn't going to make it better. It seems you and your guy have quite an unhealthy relationship going on, maybe things are better now? But not that long ago it seemed like you were quite upset with him and had trust issues.
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