Breakup after three years

[Brokendreams875]

I don't want to tell the whole story because it is SO long ill get right to the important part

so heres the short version. (yes...pathetically this is short)

 

 

story

We dated a year. Broke up a year and decided to get back together after not speaking for the better part of that year and dating other people. Im 22 he is 23. We had planned to go to a 4 year school together, and get married the summer we graduated. For now we were fairly long distance.

 

Things were mostly good for 2 1/2 years now. Since January my life has been the epitome of murphys law. Its a dominoe effect one thing after another. We were both in our last semester at country colleges and im a 4.0 student who knows EXACTLY what she wants, he is a b/c student whos majoring in business even though he hates his classes, with NO idea.

 

He had a bad childhood, has a dad who use to beat him, and he is NEVER good enough for. his father breaks promise after promise. He has never even witnessed a good healthy relationship.

 

In January things started getting rocky, he slowly started reverting back to his horrible highschool self. Finding things funny that were actually mean (not to me but to others) blowing off responsibilities, and changing his mind all the time. He also started breaking promises.

I caught him in a few horrible lies and lost my trust in him (he did not cheat) and even though he tried to fix things he did it so lazily and didnt put in any real effort for a sustained period of time. I decided on the school I wanted to go to (out of 3 HE picked) but suddenly his father wouldnt pay for him to go and he decided he didnt want to go because he didnt want to take loans. He was trying so hard to please his father (who has never been pleased with my now ex in his life) Slowly but surely i was wearing down. I tried to tell him if he needed time to himself he could have it, i told him we could take a break i tried to be understanding. Then i broke down and started being brutally honest. Telling him he was being immature, telling him he needed to do his own thing and stop letting his father run his life etc.

 

Finally on Wednesday I decided I was going to my chosen school with or without him. things have been so bad. He had made me start thinking I was going crazy! He kept promsing to fix things then didnt..( even though wed talked about our problems and id fixed every one hed asked me to work on)

And after three years..I got up the courage and left.

 

problem

 

Now, even though I know I did the right thing for me, im miserable. I know it is never easy, but I have nothing to distract me. Everything that use to make me happy reminds me of him. Even my car was half built by him so i dont even want to drive it. I only work one day a week at a job I LOVE and had to go home because I had to host a birthday party and didnt want to ruin the poor girls birthday cause i kept crying..

I cry every 5 minutes

I cant eat (i force myself for my mothers sake)

I cant sleep (i take tylenol pm every night and still sleep horribly)

Ive even been sleeping on the couch cause my room is filled with reminders. and even though ive gotten rid of visual reminders my empty bed is reminder enough

Im supposed to be graduating with honors on thursday and dont even want to go because he was supposed to be there...

 

I feel like im falling apart without him. I even tried getting him to take me back for all the wrong reasons just so i didnt have to feel like this anymore. thank goodness he put up enough of a fight that i remembered all the reasons we broke up in the first place.

 

I feel like i wasted three years of my life and im stuck now i dont know how to get back to where i was. I have nothing to distract me for weeks. And even then in late june i need to survive through what would have been our three year anniversary. My best friend hated him so she keeps being critical of him and trying to be supportive but i dont want to hear it. I deleted him from my phone from every way i could have contact, and since hes on my cell plan i have had the password changed and my step dad will pay it monthly so i cant do anything rash.

 

i cant afford to take classes, i cant go to the gym since he use to go with me, i cant get more hours at work. i cant watch movies since most of them i saw with him. i lost most of my friends due to his jealousy issues so i have noone to go out with etc...

 

I just need some advice more then "it gets better"

i know it gets better.

i know ill be going away to school in a few months

i know ill have some distractions (im going to see a broadway show and going to aruba for a week with my best friend in early june)

but then i go back to being alone..and feeling awful. ive cried so much ive been throwing up. i use to be a cutter. to control my pain..and im petrified of resorting back to self inflicted pain. (ive found healthy ways for weak moments for now like tweezing my eyebrows) but its slowly getting worse. each day is harder and its only been a week...

I cant really get help because of one aspect of my chosen career it would follow me forever if i tried anti depressents or anti anxiety meds or even saw someone.

 

even though i hate who hed become i somehow manage to only think of the good sweet things..and i just start crying all over..I cant help but think hes going to move on so fast and find someone new (luckily he does live far enough away ill never know if i can avoid his facebook. ive added him to my block list not only on my account but my moms and step dads so by the time i figure out how to unblock someone ill talk myself out of it lol) i just dont know what to do. someone please help...

[TaraMaiden]

You need counselling.

This isn't love. It's a dependent addiction.

Very unhealthy attitude.

Well - look at what you're doing.

Going through withdrawal symptoms because it's cold turkey.

 

You need to pro-actively do something to snap yourself out of it.

Sell the car, redecorate the room and start living again.

It sure beats what you're doing at the moment.

[Brokendreams875]

As I stated I cant seek professional help due to a chosen career choice it would follow me forever.

 

and Its only been a week. and only a day since NC and im struggling. Im forcing myself to do things Im getting up and out of bed etc I just need some tips to handling it. I cant sell my car or redecorate my room (im moving in about 5 weeks whichh will help) He was just my first love and Idk how to get through the early stages of this. This was my first long term real relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

As I stated I cant seek professional help due to a chosen career choice it would follow me forever.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. how would this 'follow you for ever'...?

I'm not suggesting you take drugs, but counselling is confidential, and carries no stigma....many jobs actually provide counselling as part of the package benefits, or it's even one of the obligatory requirements....

 

and Its only been a week. and only a day since NC and im struggling. Im forcing myself to do things Im getting up and out of bed etc I just need some tips to handling it. I cant sell my car or redecorate my room (im moving in about 5 weeks whichh will help) He was just my first love and Idk how to get through the early stages of this. This was my first long term real relationship.

I understand that it's painful. But you asked for more constructive input than "It gets better".

I tried to give it.

When you have a break like this, of course it's raw and painful.

But you've only been in this situation for a week, and you think you're falling apart.

Yes - you're falling apart, but the truth actually IS that it does get better.

providing you let it.

Acceptance is a huge part of it.

Resistance is damaging.

Life is obligatory.

Suffering is optional.

Trust me, it really is......

[flyguy23]

I can relate to your situation sort of, I was with my girl for 3 years, she was my best friend and really my only friend due to me kind of cutting all my friends out for her, but now I have nobody and its hard daily just to get up and do normal stuff. But I just keep reminding myself that if she doesn't want to be with me then why should I miss her so much. Maybe you can do the same

[Brokendreams875]

Tara to be honest, Im a psych major, I would like to work in the abnormal psych field which will probably require med school and it does effect you if you've taken anti anxiety drugs or seen a psychologist

 

Im really trying to do that. And I know he still cares cause he managed to get mad about my status change on facebook and my other ex "liking" it as well as my adding my new college.

I just dont know what hes doing or how hes feeling. I dont know if hes not contacting me cause he doesnt care, or if hes respecting what I asked for. Im struggling alot worrying about what hes doing and im trying to worry more about me but I cant help but imagine him having a great time while im suffering. (while i have no proof to back that up accept he hasnt contacted me and hes also good at repressing things)

 

Im going to pick up my back xrays tomorrow and am going to get my back looked at so i can maybe up my hours at work or do SOMETHING and stop sitting at home dwelling. Im trying to take advice and keep myself busy and put myself in a position to meet new people.

[Heartbroken098]

Im in a very similar situation as you..my bf of almost three years broke up with me too. its almost been two months and i'm still obsessing over him. next week is our three yr anniversary and i dont even know how to get through it. He seems really moved on already..the bad thing is i cant stop looking at his facebook. Everyday he adds three new girls and its making me sick!..

 

but dont worry, you will be able to eat and sleep again. i started eating and sleeping normally after two weeks. so physically, it does get better but emotionally, i'm still a disaster!

 

i still dont understand how some ppl can get over a relationship so fast, i know i can't.

 

but dont worry, just try to call up your old friends, i'm sure they'll still be there for you..

i've been catching up with a lot of old friends..and i go swimming or take walks..i dont know if it helps with my pain but atleast i'm not sitting at home thinking about him all the time.

[Brokendreams875]

heartbroken - Do yourself a favor and block his facebook. Then if you want to look while your in the process of unblocking it daily, remember your just going to be more upset every time you do look.

 

I actually did the breaking up, but he was emotionally abusive for like the last 6 months and I almost feel addicted to him. I compare everything to him. It all hurts so much and its hurts me more that my crying keeps making my mom cry. The other awful part is KNOWING I did the right thing and made the right decision, and hurting this much anyway

 

I actually am not minding the not eating haha it made my Aruba diet soo much easier. I am eating daily and not letting myself skip too many meals though. The not sleepign is killing me.

 

Im also coming up on my third anniversary in late june. Luckily its around the time im moving so hopefully thatll help me forget. Even when im doing other things i manage to end up in tears. Last time I went swimming it was with him. Last time I went on a walk it was to try and patch our relationship etc its like its never ending.

Edited May 27, 2010 by Brokendreams875

[TaraMaiden]

Tara to be honest, Im a psych major, I would like to work in the abnormal psych field which will probably require med school and it does effect you if you've taken anti anxiety drugs or seen a psychologist

You will have to go through counselling yourself as part of your studies. A friend of mine is a child psychologist and School counsellor. Throughout her training, she had to undergo psychological counselling herself in order to understand 'both sides of the table'.

I think you should research this and establish whether it actually would be a disadvantage or not. Really. Find out.

I suspect not. Particularly as virtually everyone in the USA has an analyst, counsellor, shrink or therapist, by the sound of it. It isn't a taboo subject.

 

Im really trying to do that. And I know he still cares cause he managed to get mad about my status change on facebook and my other ex "liking" it as well as my adding my new college.

His problem, not yours.

I just dont know what hes doing or how hes feeling. I dont know if hes not contacting me cause he doesnt care, or if hes respecting what I asked for. Im struggling alot worrying about what hes doing and im trying to worry more about me but I cant help but imagine him having a great time while im suffering. (while i have no proof to back that up accept he hasnt contacted me and hes also good at repressing things)

This is completely immaterial and irrelevant. It doesn't matter what he's thinking, what he's not thinking and what he's doing or not doing.

You're Broken up.

IT'S OVER.

You need to stop focussing on what the deal is with him, because it's no longer important.

If you've broken up, the whole point is to focus on you and what you think, say and do, and only that.

He's history.

Shut that book, and leave it be.

 

Im going to pick up my back xrays tomorrow and am going to get my back looked at so i can maybe up my hours at work or do SOMETHING and stop sitting at home dwelling. Im trying to take advice and keep myself busy and put myself in a position to meet new people.

If you're doing it to stop yourself thinking about him, it won't work. It's rather like dieting. All you can think about is food.

If you do these things to further your experience and enjoy life and get back in the groove - with NO thought of him - then you're onto a winner.

Do this for you, not him.

If you find him in your head, replace that thought with a completely different one.

"I wonder what he's..." should immediately be changed to "I wonder why oranges are orange?"

[Brokendreams875]

Thanks tara, im really trying, i really am going to consider seeing a counsler, maybe a behaviorist to help me stop acting and thinking like I do. I guess I should use my knowledge of psychology to my benifit in knowing what I think will help instead of just hiding behind it.

 

And I am trying so hard not to think of him but it kills me to think hes already forgotten about me. I convinced myself last night it was all my fault and was the biggest mistake of my life, and cried myself to sleep. I know it was stupid. I actually gave in and called him today. I know it was awful but im graduating today and I dont think id have been able to go if I didnt.

We talked for about 45 mins about random stuff mostly,

I did let him know I felt we went about ending this the wrong way and that I missed being in his arms. He told me he missed it too and he worried every day I moved on without him. I did try and convince him to let me come see him...but hes not sure..which I know is for the better. Most of the convo was just us chatting like we use to..no worries no sadness.

 

I am just so sad without him im not sure what to do

if im not crying about him im crying because im making my mom cry because im upset about him