Are my perceptions of what makes a good marraige totally wrong or what??

[strongertoday]

Brief background... this is my second marraige (first one was 17 years) to a guy 9 years younger than I am. I have 3 kids 14, 12 and 9 which he adores. He has never been married. The relationship started long distance and he moved here. I have known him over 4 years, romantic 2 1/2, married 1 year.

 

There are so many things about marraige he just doesnt GET !!

 

 

1. MONEY - he thinks he should put in half of the bills and should we need more then I have to cover it. He also thinks I should pay for any outings or meals out.
   
2. SEX - he thinks if he doesnt want it then tough, no discussion
   
3. TIME - the things he wants to do come first, even to the point of he will stop a movie we are watching so he can go for a smoke "just wait for me, geeze" or he will game all day then complain when I ask him to stop for dinner
   
4. SUPPORT - when I get stressed about money or whatever he goes nuts and tells me to get over it, instead of being reassuring, like he doesnt want to know about anything
   
5. FUN - he thinks unless we are spending a tonne of money on stuff we are not having fun. We are saving for a busy time end of 2010 (o/seas trip, birthday parties and a wedding) but he is just miserable because we are not going out every weekend and blowing hundreds of dollars having fun
   

To me marraige is about commitment, love, support, working toward common goals, and some times putting out sexuallty when you may not be quite in the mood but you do it for the one you love.

 

Am I so wrong to want a man to hold me and reassure me we will be ok? His reply when I got stressed about money was to tell me I was a miserable depressed person and to pack a bag and go to a hotel... where he has been with no contact (aside from a text to call in sick for him) for 36 hours. There goes another $500 !!!

[mamadee]

isn't it true that most divorces are over money?

 

i couldn't imagine being married to this man for a year and him acting like that...you sound like you're in two different worlds and either need to get on the same page or make some painful decisions...

 

i don't envy you and don't have any advice, but i can empathize with your situation...good luck and i hope things work out for the best for everybody involved...and in my opinion, no, you're not wrong...

[KikiW]

Can you get to some counseling sessions? If he is unwilling to discuss things with you like an adult, perhaps someone else can help give him the proverbial slap upside the head?

 

His behavior is really childish and not that of a partner.

[BettyBoop]

Is your husband less than 30 years of age? Because he sounds more like a spoiled brat and slacker than a husband. Sounds like he married himself a provider and not a partner.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but to divorce his ass but he sounds like an immature boy who has a lot to learn before he can become a man. How long were you together before he displayed this behaviour? Before or after you married him?

[reboot]

How did you not realize he was this incredibly selfish before you married him?

[xxoo]

I am also wondering what his behavior was like before you married.

 

I searched your threads, trying to get an idea of how long you lived together before marrying (about a year, right?), and found a thread about his abusive behavior when drinking--verbal and physical abuse.

 

It sounds like you both invested a LOT into this relationship, and sometimes that potentially lost time and money can cloud our thinking. I'm sorry, but there are too many BIG issues in this relationship to go forward--and especially to have a child together (another thread). You have 3 children to think about financially and emotionally. You don't need a 4th, abusive, alcoholic child

[carhill]

Oh, sounds like he's enjoyed the single life and he's living his life for *him* as a married person. That's great, but lousy for a marriage. He should be single. Help him get there

[1qkblugt]

My friend has been with the same man for 10 years and all he does is pay the rent. He gives her a hard time when she needs to buy clothing and want not for their 5 year old.. She is very unhappy and only stays with him for the help with the rent

 

It's sad and i've watched it hurt her "spirit"... She tells me all the time how unhappy she is..

 

I'll say what I say to her... If you are unsure or unhappy something needs to change !!! Good luck

[strongertoday]

kiki... he wont get counselling of any kind.. alone, together, nothing

 

Betty boop .... he is 32 but in some ways very mature. In others definately not

 

I knew he was selfish before I married him but he said he wanted this life. He had a past history of mild depression and alot of drinking and he wanted a life and a family and all that came with it. I assumed he understood the concept ! He is also use to alot higher income than now. So even thoough he puts in a small amount he is still putting in 1/3 of his income and he just sees it from his angle.

 

xxoo ... yeah we have been through alot but he gave up the most, sold everything he owned to move here for me. I dont believe he did that if he didnt want it. He has virtually given up drinking ( 6 light beers once every 2 weeks now) and has adjusted alot.

 

carhill... made me laugh through the tears but you are right, doesnt make it easier though.

 

He called in sick to work today, said he would be back tomorrow. I called his phone but he wouldnt take my calls and now has turned it off.

 

I bounce from "OMG thats it it is over" to "OMG I dont want to loose him". I guess I just want him to grow up and start acting like an adult, and part of that isnt taking off chucking a tantrum !!!

[angie2443]

OP, from everything you are saying, I believe your husband has a chemical imbalance in the brain. You say he had a problem with drinking. He was probably self medicating. It's great that he cut down, but the problem that caused him to turn to drinking in the first place is still there. Your only home, I believe, is for your husband to go to a doctor for this. If he refuses, like he seems to be doing with everything else, IMO, there is no hope for your situation. I would seek the advice of a lawyer.

 

I forgot to say- when I say chemical imbalance, I mean more than just "mild" depresion.

[BettyBoop]

to "OMG I dont want to loose him"!

 

OP, read your first post and think about that sentence. I guess it is because you love him, because nothing else in the post described anything that would make him one you'd mind losing. But being with the one you love is not always what makes you happy.