Swinging Doors

[JustJoe]

Who is more likely to leave a marriage, a cheating MM or a cheating MW, and why do you think so? No Statistics, or polls, please. Just your own opinion.

[lilagirl]

From experience, I believe MW. They usually get better access to the children. MM worry about being all the societal norms allot more than MW, IMO.

 

For me, the A was a wake-up that I couldnt wait until oldest turned 18. I was unhappy "now", and it wasn`t fair to either of us.

[You Go Girl]

MW. Women don't separate love and sex. However MW will stay in marriage and count her blessings if she realizes in time that OM is a jerk, and they all are...else what are they doing with a MW?

 

MM...far more often views varied sex as an entitlement, separate from the life he has built and has no desire to destroy.

[Samantha0905]

I don't know Joe. My mind immediately started wondering what are the statistics?

 

I think it's situational. What is the personal emotional state of the MM/MW? Are there children involved? I realize some people place importance on whether the children are young or adults -- and I understand the difference in the logic -- but my children are my children. They are each that small child who sits on my knee and looks at me with love and admiration and they are each that child that is independent and flies out of the nest, but still extracts security from home base.

 

Is each cheating spouse financially independent? What kind of person is their AP? Are they responsible? What's their baggage? What's their family history? Do they (AP) have children? Is there a lurking and angry X-spouse belonging to AP? Or is AP single and has commitment issues? Is AP single and willing -- and if so -- why are they okay with sleeping with me as a married woman? Could it be something I've told them about my sad situation?

 

Jeesh! So many factors......

[crazycatlady]

I do sometimes wonder if there were an equal chance a man got the kids as the woman, then I think you would see an equal number of MM and MW leaving. As it is, I think MW are more likely to leave. But I also know plenty of MW who are cheating because they can...not as many as I know MM but still....and I know many MM who are cheating for the reasons MW often cheat - something missing from the relationship, but not as many.

 

I know at least one MM who would divorce if he had a chance for the kid, he stays because she isn't capable to raise her alone, but nothing is provable (she would simply move home and solve that by letting her mommy and daddy do it). I know another BH who dumped his wife but cried for weeks because he lost the kids - double whammy....and it was his best friend. Custody laws are so....archaic.

 

I'm all for women's lib...that means H gets the kids if we ever split lol. I'm going to be the one living it up, not him (joke people joke).

 

CCL

[GreenEyedLady]

I actually think MM. Look at this site. The number of MM who leave is more than MW. It seems that alot of the stories with MOM = "unrequited" love for the MW. And the single OM get the shaft from MW. Perhaps there is something to wanting what you can't have.

 

There's more MM who have ended the M than MW from what is seen at this site.

 

GEL

[JustJoe]

I agree Sam, that it is situational, but IF one or the other is more likely to leave, does this mean that one or the other takes their marriage vows, more seriously?......

[Samantha0905]

 

I'm all for women's lib...that means H gets the kids if we ever split lol. I'm going to be the one living it up, not him (joke people joke).

 

CCL

 

ha,ha -- your joke made me laugh.

 

I was about to add to my above post an inquiry as to the dynamics between the two married people. What are the dynamics? This matters also as to who leaves.

 

I would guess - and it's merely a guess - women leave more often than men.

[JustJoe]

BTW, After reading Lila's and YGG'S posts, maybe when people post , who HAVE left, they should state whether or not they have minor children? Yes?..... NO?......GEL, do you think it's true? Or could it be ego. Maybe they are just saying that they left, to soothe their self-esteem?

[Samantha0905]

I agree Sam, that it is situational, but IF one or the other is more likely to leave, does this mean that one or the other takes their marriage vows, more seriously?......

 

Not in all cases -- probably some. Maybe they feel they take their vows more seriously or it could even be proven they do -- if they stay -- factually. They are the one, after all, not forsaking their marriage vow physically. Sticking to their guns, so to speak. But it could also be that person that won't budge is also that person who won't budge within the marriage to create intimacy, etc.

 

Joe, I don't want to be that person who stays regardless of the situation because of vows. If that makes me a shameless hussy, so be it. I want to be that person who is met halfway to save the marriage -- eventually. I can take steps over the halfway mark plenty, but eventually -- only so many times.

[JustJoe]

I understand your feelings, Sam, but Are you at that point yet? And if your H knew about the lack of desire thing, would he be just as likely to pull the plug?

[JustJoe]

Blind, You make some good points, but I'm not so sure about the repercusions being worse for women than men, not in this day and age. I agree that there is less fall-out from single guys"sowing their wild oats", than for single women to do the same thing , but I think that breaking wedding vows is as bad for either sex.

[GreenEyedLady]

BTW, After reading Lila's and YGG'S posts, maybe when people post , who HAVE left, they should state whether or not they have minor children? Yes?..... NO?......GEL, do you think it's true? Or could it be ego. Maybe they are just saying that they left, to soothe their self-esteem?

 

I actually think that contrary to popular belief, as a generalization, men are more romantic than women and women are more practical than men.

 

And I honestly don't understand the straying MW AT ALL. They really go to desperate measures that most MM don't. And I don't think it has to do with love or they would leave the M. It seems to be a need for them to be validated by men other than their H whom they disrespect enough to cheat on, yet still want to stay married to.

 

I think if a man truly loves a woman, wild horses won't keep him from her.

 

Whereas women, especially those who don't work, have a definite need to continue the status quo with the benefits. It defies societal norms. A woman who leaves her H for OM is perceived as infinitely worse than a man leaving for another W, in that it's more commonplace. (Not at all agreeing here, both not good.) I think too if there are children involved, having an A really shows that the person is not too interested in parenting at the time and putting effort elsewhere. Not motherly at all.

 

I can say in real life, I know of only 2 MW who left their M's for OM. Now the number of MM leaving their W's, closer to 10 or even 15. I'm in a pretty liberal state and have to say I don't see it being very different elsewhere.

 

GEL

[JustJoe]

GEL, do you think that this need for "validation", is more prevalent in SAHM'S, than in Career women?

[JAGeezer]

I agree with Sam, it's situational. Not everyone are the sort of hardcases that my W and I are. But I think we're missing a factor in a complex situation. The willingness of the BS to forgive and work through it. The MM or MW may not get a vote on the issue of leaving, because ultimately it's up to the BS. In my experience BW's seem far more likely to try to work through the post-A trauma, and do so successfully, than BH's are. Being more physically oriented in a relationship, men are inherently way more territorial about their W's body. The idea that she shared her body, which she promised to him alone, with another man is a deal breaker for a lot of men. They either go for the D immediately, or later after an unsuccessful attempt at reconciliation. All the King's horses and all the King's men....

 

I won't call it a hard and fast rule, just my own observation.

 

JAG

[You Go Girl]

BTW, After reading Lila's and YGG'S posts, maybe when people post , who HAVE left, they should state whether or not they have minor children? Yes?..... NO?......GEL, do you think it's true? Or could it be ego. Maybe they are just saying that they left, to soothe their self-esteem?

 

I left my first marriage. Had a minor child. H said--I won't fight you over anything, because I know what you can do. (referencing how I took down the president of a board of directors, small corporation).

I'm not proud of leaving that marriage without giving it my all at the end...but long story.

I'm a go for broke fiesty type. I'll trash the world if it's off kilter. I admit I'm dangerous that way.

[You Go Girl]

A cheating MW.

 

Married men cheat more for sex, entitlement, ego.

 

Married woman may do it for similar reasons......however because society frowns more upon a cheating woman......she justifies that she must have a more valid...non-sex related reason to cheat.

Therefore...the emotional stake is much greater in a wife's affair......even if is WAS about sex. She tells herself otherwise.

Also, if the affair is discovered.....her name is tarnished among friends, family, and neighbors. The same is true for a man....but it's considerably worse for a woman.

 

She also fears the repercussions from her husband. Some husbands resorts to violence upon learning of an affair.

 

Woman initiate more divorces than men....that is a fact. How many of them are cheating is debatable.

 

You have the first part right. But, not the second half. MW cheats, and leaves, not because she is worried about society. She leaves because for her, at that point, after cheating, the perfect fantasy of herself as a good wife is destroyed. Might as well chuck it all, go out with guns blazing type of thing.

[ADF]

Married women are more likely to leave. I say this based on 10 years experience as a paralegal working in a firm that specializes in family law.

 

However, in the vast majority of cases, neither MM nor MW leave their marriages to be with their OW/OM. Most of the time, the OM/OW gets dumped, and the couple stay married.

 

The reason? Staying married is just so much easier. If a MM or MW were to leave their spouse for their paramour, they'd need to divorce. That is a long, legal nightmare that can result in financial ruin. Dumping the OM or OW costs next to nothing, so that is what the majority of people do.

[JustJoe]

LOL, YGG, maybe you're that type of person, but I highly doubt that most women are. Not too many "shoot from the hip", females, IME.

[rewe4reel]

I left my first marriage. Had a minor child. H said--I won't fight you over anything, because I know what you can do. (referencing how I took down the president of a board of directors, small corporation).

I'm not proud of leaving that marriage without giving it my all at the end...but long story.

I'm a go for broke fiesty type. I'll trash the world if it's off kilter. I admit I'm dangerous that way.

 

 

Translation: Addition by subtraction.

[GreenEyedLady]

Married women are more likely to leave.

 

I agree with this statement.

 

However I was under the impression that the question was who is more likely to leave for the OP a MM or MW. And I still thinks it's a MM.

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, do you think that this need for "validation", is more prevalent in SAHM'S, than in Career women?

 

I don't think it's employment status, I think the need for validation comes from something else inside them.

 

GEL

[JustJoe]

I guess, I should have been more specific. I want to have answers to both questions, Who is more likely to leave, and who is more likely to leave for the OP.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think it's employment status, I think the need for validation comes from something else inside them.

 

GEL

 

 

Agreed. The need for validation has little to do with external circumstances, but everything to do with internal self worth. The need for validation is a normal part of being human, but how that validation is attained is what makes it healthy or not.

[bentnotbroken]

I guess, I should have been more specific. I want to have answers to both questions, Who is more likely to leave, and who is more likely to leave for the OP.

 

 

You won't get true answers, you will get opinions. What we see, not necessarily the facts.