AmeliaApple Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I'm curious about how many of you experience extreme attraction to others even though you are in a marriage/relationship. It's something they never covered in pre-marriage counseling. There are people that I meet that really "excite" me, but I don't act on it. How are we "suppose" to deal with this when you are in a committed relationship. In one way, I realize that I'm human and married, not dead. On the other, why am I attracted to other men? It's just sexual attraction with no emotions or thoughts toward a relationship of any sort. I just like to fantasize about them when I see them, but sometimes I question whether or not this is normal or indicating something more. Any thoughts?
quankanne Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 sometimes that attraction is nothing more that the other person being at the right place at the right time: You normally wouldn't feel a spark for this person, but because your marriage is going through a rough patch ... or because your mate hasn't been paying attention to you ... or you feel like you're being short-changed on affection, sex, etc ... the other person suddenly becomes the "answer" to what bugs you about your mate. I think we have all experienced that to some degree or another, and after 18 years of marriage I can honestly say it's happened to me. Not that I'd want to leave my husband, but sometimes, yeah, I play an abbreviated game of "what if" in my head. Thankfully, reality snaps back into place and I remember why I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my grumpy bear of a husband :laugh: how do you deal with it when someone lights your fire? Acknowledge how you feel, then move on. As in, "yeah, I'd drink his dirty bathwater any day ..." then get back to reality. And realize that your spouse isn't ever going to be perfect by any means, but that you've got something unique that even dirty-bathwater boy cannot offer ...
xxoo Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I just like to fantasize about them when I see them, but sometimes I question whether or not this is normal or indicating something more. Any thoughts? It's normal. Don't make it a bigger issue than it needs to be. Most of the time, I enjoy the passing thought and thrill, and that's the end of it. Other times, someone gets stuck in my head and I think of them even afterwards. I'm super lucky to have an H who is ok hearing, "OMG, this guy at the park today. I must be ovulating. I couldn't take my eyes off his calves!" (silly, but true, recent example). And then I expend my "energies" on my H
carhill Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Any thoughts? Sure. Use the communication tools you learned in PMC and communicate with your H. I'm sure he's experienced similar feelings. Any human with a functioning libido and emotions does. Sharing and building intimacy strengthens *your* bond so these little blips are just interesting roadside scenery on the highway of life.
crazycatlady Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 It's normal. Don't make it a bigger issue than it needs to be. Most of the time, I enjoy the passing thought and thrill, and that's the end of it. Other times, someone gets stuck in my head and I think of them even afterwards. I'm super lucky to have an H who is ok hearing, "OMG, this guy at the park today. I must be ovulating. I couldn't take my eyes off his calves!" (silly, but true, recent example). And then I expend my "energies" on my H I think XXOO has the right of it. When you try to repress those feelings, then I think they tend to stick. But if you openly (even if just to yourself but at least admit and not try to fight it) whoooo momma that guy is HOT, then it allows the momentary flash of awareness to go on by. My H can spot my type every time. And I'll make a comment and he'll go "I knew you were going to say that". But I almost always clue in on his type before he does too, and will point them out to him. (and before anyone pops in and says something about our marriage being open or poly, we did this way before we opened it looking doesn't mean touching even if you comment on it). CCL
quankanne Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 "OMG, this guy at the park today. I must be ovulating. I couldn't take my eyes off his calves!" hmmm, interesting comment – I think I tend to notice those things more when I'm ovulating, whether I'm looking at my husband, at some celebrity I find hot or even guys I see in public. I guess it's nature's way of keeping the cycle of life going through the act of sex ...
ADF Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 You don't stop being attracted to other people simply because you are with someone. But so what? All our lives, we run into attractive people who are not available to us for all kinds of reasons. Making a commitment means you don't sleep with other people. It doesn't mean you don't occassionally want to. All you can do in life is police your actions. You cannot police your thoughts.
You Go Girl Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 You don't stop being attracted to other people simply because you are with someone. But so what? All our lives, we run into attractive people who are not available to us for all kinds of reasons. Making a commitment means you don't sleep with other people. It doesn't mean you don't occassionally want to. All you can do in life is police your actions. You cannot police your thoughts. Naw. I'll go one step further. Police your thoughts too, to some degree. Don't chastise yourself, but don't gawk at the other gender while in company of H or W, don't do what my H did...start tearing up when a woman he had hots for came to our house party! Or get drunk and tell her she is beautiful with that tone of voice. And don't think of somebody else when you're having sex with spouse. That's rude. If you can't be present, then don't have sex.
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