flirting with married co-worker

[technician07]

Please provide some advice on what I should do here...

 

I have been flirting with a co-worker for about the past year or so and things have gotten much more interesting lately.

 

Let me first provide some background...We work for a relatively small company of probably about 60 employees. She has worked there for about 5 years and i have been there about 2. Many of the employees have been there for a long time and are women so you can only imagine the amount of gossip going on around there! This happens to be a big reason why I have not thought too seriously about this until now. She is 36 and married to a police officer and I'm 29 and single. I have only met him once before, but many in the office agree that it appears they dont have the best relationship. She has complained about how demanding and controlling he is to other employees and he also seems very insecure. He calls her on average between 10-15 times a day and when he calls she is expected to drop everything and talk to him. So much so that if she happens to not be at her desk, the operators are instructed to page her stating he is on the phone. I have literally seen her sprint to her desk when she has been paged. Also she NEVER leaves work during the day for ANYTHING, not lunch, nothing. She will ask me to pick her up lunch but will never go. It's almost like she will get in trouble if he calls and she isnt there.

 

Her looks could have something to do with his insecurities. She is very beautiful and could easily pass for 26 or 27. She has an amazing body (goes to the gym 3-4 days a week) and like to show it off at work. He isnt really unattractive but is overweight and probably only 5'5. He certainly acted insecure when I met him and me being 6'4 and in pretty good shape probably led to that. He insisted on trying to impress me by talking about beating peoples ass as a cop. He seems very immature actually. She is not from the U.S. and only got her citizenship when they got married. Prior to that she was over here for school, thats when they met. Many at work believe their marrige is more of an arrangement and that there is no way she should ever be with someone like him, thats all speculation though.

 

The flirting didnt start until about a year after I started there at which point it was still kind of innocent and high school like. We would make fun of each other in joking way and act like we were mad at each other. I think she is very hot, but didnt think much of it due to her being married. The flirting when on like this for months until about 2 weeks ago. I jokingly commented on what she was wearing one day (really I thought it looked hot on her). About 1 minute after I said that she emailed me demanding that I pick out her entire outfit for the next day. I was a bit weary about doing that, so I sort of blew it off. This happened a few more times with me continuing to remain guarded and not say anything that might be used against me. Plus, I like playing hard to get a little bit. Then, last week she knew I was going out for lunch and jokingly asked me to do her grocery shopping for her. Obviously I said no. When I got back from lunch I had an email saying that if I was a nice guy I would have done that for her. I responded, telling her I would be happy to do her shopping for her but what would she do for me. Se asked what she could possibly give me that I dont already have. I told he many things. She asked what, and I responded saying that I better not say for fear of getting in trouble and that I didnt think she could handle it. She reallyencouraged me to suggest something but I wasnt going to do that via email.

 

Also, she is now coming up to me at least once a day and rubbing my shoulders but acting like (in front of other employees) that she was mad or talking sh**. She also get dressed for the gym now about an hour before she leaves work. She is always wearing spandex pants and a spandex tank top so she is showing off big time and probably knows I like it! She makes sure to make a couple trips to my desk during that time. Then today kinda topped everything off. Her computer crashed and she was forced to use one in my area of the building. I joked in front of other employees that her computer crashed due to her downloading porn. Everyone laughed it off and about 5 minutes later I got an email from her. It stated that she likes to watch girl on girl porn. I looked across theroom at her after i opened it and she kinda winked at me. I couldnt take it, so when she was leaving work, I went out to her car. I old her it sounds like we like the same porn and that we should watch some together sometime. She responded with " we should, but dont tell anyone about my secrets" . I told her that I dont and that I delete the emails. She said she does the same and pulled out of the parking lot.

 

My question is this...Is she flirting because she wants to sleep with me, or just for the attention. Also, what would be the best way to go about this? Obviously avaoiding it would be the best method. And, I have been cheated on so I know what that feels like. Physically though, I'm extremely attracted to her and really want to sleep with her.

 

Thanks in advance and sorry for the length.

[califnan]

Leave her alone ... as in: Forbidden fruit..

 

Many of these affairs begin with the two working together .. that is how people meet. Then they look forward to going to work to see the individual .. and flirting and on and on until it is into a relationship/affair..

 

Although work is a common place for people to meet, it is a good thing for you to be forewarned since you have been through it .. Do not encourage her.

 

Time to ease off ..

[dazzle22]

Her husband is an insecure COP who sounds like he could easily become unhinged.... Do you really need any more warning flags? You could end up being on Unsolved Mysteries...

[califnan]

Her husband is an insecure COP who sounds like he could easily become unhinged.... Do you really need any more warning flags? You could end up being on Unsolved Mysteries...

 

--------------------

 

Is that enough of a warning for you ...

[jwi71]

Work place A's almost always a disaster. That's problem number one.

Problem number two is its a small gossip-y company. Do you honestly believe that this will be a secret for long? <<Shakes head>>

Three, he's a cop. Hello. Do you have ANY idea how many degrees of bad this is for YOU? Clearly you don't. Lets just say he has access to your LIFE. Think about it.

 

I would seriously reconsider this. If you go forward, it may cost you your job, your standing in the community, your freedom and maybe your life.

[jthorne]

She's bored. You're fun to toy with.

Find an unmarried toy to play with, and you'll have more fun in the long run. (and avoid a lot of office drama.)

[technician07]

Thanks to everyone for their insight, I really do appreciate it. I knew it wasnt a good idea to begin with, I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else.

 

I certainly do understnad the consequences of getting involved in a physical relationship at work, with a woman who is married to a cop, and yes, everyone at work already thinks it happening between me and her. Actually, many at work think that I'm sleeping with a couple different married women which I am not. I'm not overly flirty at all so why would they think that?

[jthorne]

Because they are bored Chatty Cathys with nothing better to do.

Plus, you're single.

Find yourself a single GF, and I imagine a lot of this nonsense will stop.

[dazzle22]

Ohhh, people see a lot more than you imagine they do....

[technician07]

Dazzle, I understand what you are saying, but nothing is going on between me and any women single, or in a relationship at my office and never have.

 

Plus, they know I still have some sort of relationship with my ex.

[whichwayisup]

My question is this...Is she flirting because she wants to sleep with me, or just for the attention. Also, what would be the best way to go about this? Obviously avaoiding it would be the best method. And, I have been cheated on so I know what that feels like. Physically though, I'm extremely attracted to her and really want to sleep with her.

 

You are encouraging this behaviour of hers, and in some sense, playing a little cat and mouse game with her as well. She knows exactly what's what, as do you..

 

It feels nice to be desired and flirt, but this woman IS pushing herself on you, through emails and touching you, going out of her way to see you, dress differently and 'wait' for your reaction.

 

As I said before, you're encouraging her behaviour by casually mentioning the let's watch porn together sometime. Even as a joke, she's taking it in.

 

Whatever her situation is at home with her cop husband, noone knows. But, getting involved with her would be a really REALLY bad idea.

 

Back off abit and if she asks why you're distant just tell her you're sorry, and that the flirting was fun but she's married and it's not cool to cross the lines. Even mention, "If you were my wife and doing this, I wouldn't be pleased at all." or something along those lines.

[MizFit]

Flash forward 7 or 8 months...you've had the stage where it's all new and exciting...the sex is fabulous...you manage to see each other through the day and then one Friday morning she's telling the girls her husband is going to take her out to dinner and a movie. It's their anniversary...your mind wanders.

 

All of a sudden you're a fit, 6' 4" younger guy and SHE'S going home to a short, portly cop...and you know it's their anniversary and they're celebrating...and you know how the night will end. All afternoon it eats you up inside...you think of where your work day together will end and her night with her husband will end.

 

You speak to her and she either tells you she loves you...you need to trust me OR she reminds you that you've known from the start she's married.

 

What seems light and casual and a bit of fun for you now will turn. Already you're judging her husband and he's coming out the loser...let me tell you buddy...it'll hurt like hell when she makes you the loser. Listen to the posters here...I know you won't, but one day come back and read this...see how right we were. Even the best OW/OM situations can give incredible moments of heartbreak.

 

She is obviously after something to keep herself occupied...women don't strut around an office in lycra an hour before the gym...sorry...where is the management when that's going on and when all of these personal emails and phone calls are happening? I realize it's a small company, but man they'll go bankrupt if something doesn't give!

[technician07]

whichwayisup...I really appreciate your advice. I think I'm going to take this route as it seems to make the most sense. Thank you for answering my question and offering a good solution on how to handle it.

 

MizFit...I appreciate the advice as well, however, I'm not the jealous type at all ( I was engaged to a stripper whom I was with for 3 years) and certainly dont have feelings for her like that. Plus, we have absoltuely zero contact outside of work. I made it very clear that isnt going to happen. No facebook, myspace, phone #'s, or even personal emails. It's hard to explain the atmosphere at work, but let's just say it is very laid back and her dressing for the gym is not completely ridiculous in anyones eyes!

[MizFit]

whichwayisup...I really appreciate your advice. I think I'm going to take this route as it seems to make the most sense. Thank you for answering my question and offering a good solution on how to handle it.

 

MizFit...I appreciate the advice as well, however, I'm not the jealous type at all ( I was engaged to a stripper whom I was with for 3 years) and certainly dont have feelings for her like that. Plus, we have absoltuely zero contact outside of work. I made it very clear that isnt going to happen. No facebook, myspace, phone #'s, or even personal emails. It's hard to explain the atmosphere at work, but let's just say it is very laid back and her dressing for the gym is not completely ridiculous in anyones eyes!

 

Ok...first of all the stripper was coming home to YOU at night and not going home to someone else. You've compared the husband and yourself and he's come up short (pardon the pun) so there smacks some jealousy.

 

Now for the big one...you're just flirting a bit and you've made it very clear to her no out of work contact? Huh? If this were nothing but the flirtation you've described when and why did you have the conversation about zero contact?

 

I'll take your word on the whole gym dressing thing as I don't know your environment, but even in the small companies I've worked before there is a right and wrong way to behave and I think going to get your lycra gear on early would be wrong...but I don't have a clue...

[technician07]

MizFit,

 

Good point about my ex coming home to me each night, that makes sense. When I compared me to her husband it was strictly to paint a better picture of him, and I also refrenced our height difference as a possible reason she would be physically attracted to me. I did, however, appreciate the pun in your reference to our height comparison. That being said, I'm certainly not jealous as I wouldnt want anything to do with her outside of work, and i get the impression she feels the same.

 

I guess I didnt do a very good job of descrbing my position here. Allow me to try again. If I were to pursue her (though I have decided it wouldnt be a good idea) it would be something at the work place only, and something physical only. I dont want a relationship with her, and even if she was single I wouldnt be interested. I'm only physically attracted to her. In terms of the conversation about no contact that came up when she tried to friend request me on facebook. As I explained to all the other employees, I refuse to accept any one of them as a friend for the simple fact that I dont want everyone at work to know my business. If I accepted her, everyone else would see that since she is friends on fb with others at work. It wasnt a situation where she asked for my number or anything like that, I just made it clear in front of a couple of employees (including her) that I thinks it would be best to keep my personal life, well, personal.

 

With the exception that I live about 1 mile from work, I understand that it would be extremely hard to pull off an "at work" only relationship. Even then, she doesnt seem to be allowed to leave the office so that wouldnt work. I guess we will have to find a closet somewhere in the warehouse or something like that. Joking.

 

As for her dressing for the gym, we have a non-existant dress code with the exception of the front office which I work in and she doesnt. Most of the other employees work in the warehouse, and besides them are customer service ladies (whats she does) and they dont have to have to see customers face to face as we are not a retail business. Plus, the owners are both men and she is by far the hottest employee so they are probably not bothered by it. I know that sounds crazy, but I'm telling you it's 100% true.

 

As an update...I wasnt in the office for very long today but a couple things happened with her. She jokingly told me that she is going to keep her deask by mine so that she can sit there and look hot for me. She isnt keeping her desk there by the way. Also, another employee took a picture of me as I triend on a very tight shirt as a joke and she told me that she already had the pic emailed to her and she was going to post it on her fb page. not really big news.

 

I do appreciate all of the feedback MizFit. I greatly appreciate your perspective!

[dazzle22]

This woman is trouble with a capital T. I would not let her post your pic in a tight T shirt on HER facebook page. What do you think her superjealous husband will make of that.?

 

She's really pushing you here. I think you need to, like the others said, have a talk with her and tell her," look, it's been fun flirting and all but things are crossing the line and I am not comfortable with this. You are MARRIED." I would keep putting that in her face:" not comfortable, married",.... a mantra.

[nadiaj2727]

I think her husband keeps her on such a tight leash because she has strayed before. It's obvious she wants to cheat and that this is probably not her first time. I agree, she is bored, but she also seems to be D-r-a-m-a, she likes attention, it's all about her... don't fool yourself into thinking you can contain this to be everything you want it to be -- an at-work-only romp with no drama and no getting caught, etc. That's just silly!

 

Also you already said you know how it feels to be cheated on, and you don't want to inflict that same pain on someone else, so be a good guy and stop this before you go any further. As someone who has expressed yourself as having these values then you have to know you are already being inappropriate with someone who is married to someone else.

[technician07]

I have already decided that I'm not going to let it go any further. I just have yet to have the time to talk to her. As soon as I get the chance I'm going to do that.

 

I just came to the decision that I have never cheated on a significant other and I have never slept with someone who was in a relationship, married or not. I take alot of pride in that, so I would be dissappointed if that changed at this point in my life.

 

Plus, I seem to like a bit more of a challange, especially if I'm going to do something risky like that!

 

However, if anyone has any feedback as to why you think I get accused of cheating by my ex, or sleeping with people whom I have never slept by peers I would appreciate the feedback.

 

I dont overly flirt and I'm actually relatively shy until I know that someone is interested in me.

[jenifer1972]

You'd have to give more details about the ex, your personality, and your looks before anyone can make an intelligent comment about your second question.

[technician07]

jenifer,

 

Actually, I'm pretty sure I already know why my ex continues to accuse me even 2 years after we have been together, her own insecurities. This stems from a rough childhood in which her father abandoned the family when she was about 3, her mother really wanted nothing to do with her as she got pregnant when she was 16 and had her when she was 17. Many times her and her brother were left alone for weekends at a time when they were both under 10 years old.

 

She went on to become a stripper. By doing so she was able to buy herself a nice house and a nice vehicle, put herself through undergraduate school and then get her masters from a prestigious university all the while avoiding the drug scene most strippers fall into. She hates drugs altogether. Actually she was not anything like most strippers which is probably why they all hate her. She has always been the most beautiful girl there with the best body and she makes the most money, by far! So you can understnad why she doesnt get along with the others.

 

Also, the first guy she ever loved ( I think she was 20) broke her heart and slept with her two best friends at the time. This probably explains why she has no girlfriends at all. Prior to having no friends, she accused me of sleeping with every single girl she was close with, literally all of them. We were engaged and this led me to break off the engagement. Something that was really hard to do, especially because I loved her so much and I still do! We have tried to make it work many times since but it all comes back to the false accusations that control the relationship and we end up apart again.

 

As for my personality, I'm a pretty outgoing guy who can have a conversation with anyone. I think my friends would all say that I'm pretty funny. I'm very generous to those I care about and would do anything in the world for them. In terms of how I act around girls who im interested in, I'm very shy at first until I get a feeling that they are into me. I have trouble making the first move and kinds have to force myself to do that.

 

As for my looks, I would say that I'm mildly attractive. Not handsome and not ugly. I'm a big guy (6'4) who is in pretty good shape from going to the gym about 4 days a week. I would say that I'm a major overachiever in terms of the looks of the women i date.

[bittersweet memories]

This woman is trouble with a capital T. I would not let her post your pic in a tight T shirt on HER facebook page. What do you think her superjealous husband will make of that.?

 

She's really pushing you here. I think you need to, like the others said, have a talk with her and tell her," look, it's been fun flirting and all but things are crossing the line and I am not comfortable with this. You are MARRIED." I would keep putting that in her face:" not comfortable, married",.... a mantra.

 

He's trouble too with a capital T. Obviously he is pushing her too, he's not innocent by any means, I am certain there is more to this than just her flirting. Obviously he's into this chick or else he would not be here talking about it. It's NOT all her like he is making it out to be.

[technician07]

bittersweet,

 

I dont know where you came to these conclusions. It seems like you might not have read all of my entries.

 

The title actually says "flirting with a married co-worker" and I never said I wasnt flirting with her. It usually takes two to flirt. Also, I have since said that I am no longer going to pursue this situation.

 

Plus, I thought this sight was meant to provide advice to those who seek it. I appreciate what you have added here, it was very helpful!

[IronMaiden]

I would say that the fact that you are very tall, good looking, fit, can easily talk with anyone, and the fact that you have told coworkers you want to keep a distance there, gives them all kinds of things to imagine. Good looking people who act mysterious are always projected onto.

[silverplanets]

He's trouble too with a capital T. Obviously he is pushing her too, he's not innocent by any means, I am certain there is more to this than just her flirting. Obviously he's into this chick or else he would not be here talking about it. It's NOT all her like he is making it out to be.

 

Actually , I think misfit has something .....

 

You are, by your own admission, single, good looking and a great communicator ...

 

So WHY are you spending your time trying to analyse what your work colleagues and various married women think of you?

 

Why isn't work just work for you?

 

Why was someone able to take a photo of you changing ... you must have been changed in front of someone ???

 

Why isn';t your life brimming with what's going on outside work??

 

What boundries are you drawing over your behaviour in these different environments? And outside of work and the gym, what are you filling your life with???? Are you really happy with that job? etc etc etc

 

There's no criticism or accusation here ... just mulling it over ... and also acknowledging that sometimes what stings us most (and misfits observation seemed to strike a chord) is exactly the thing which we must think deeper over ...

 

I don't know the answer for you because only you do ...

 

But if you're brave you might like to give some thought to the possibility that maybe you're creating/perpetuating drama at work to avoid looking at another area of your life ?????

 

Worth chewing over at least .....

 

Take care

Chris

[nadiaj2727]

To me the fact that you keep co-workers at a distance *online* but not in *real life* (this woman rubs your back in front of co-workers? You flirt with her in front of co-workers) is a big contradiction. If you really want to protect your professional reputation then stay away from this girl. It would mean a whole lot more to your reputation if you didn't flirt with her at work than if you befriended your co-workers on Facebook. (I don't get that, maybe because in my line of work there are clients and colleagues and potential clients *everywhere* so I would never post anything to Facebook or any other place online where I fully identified myself if I had any inclination that it could possibly affect me negatively in my career. This is just a word of advice that you shouldn't either, no matter who you think your "facebook friends" are, you don't know who their friends are, etc. Guard your reputation online but NOT necessarily by not be-friending coworkers but instead by acting like every single person who reads your Facebook account is a co-worker or potential professional contact.)

 

To me, reading your posts, you have already shown a proclivity to flirt in the workplace (with her, I mean), so why wouldn't they accuse you of an affair? I think that telling a married woman you should watch porn together is so close to an actual affair that maybe your co-workers are onto something. I'm not trying to be mean and I know the two of you think it's your dirty little secret but it doesn't work that way at work... co-workers pick up on more than you see and more than you know they see. I just don't understand how you can say and do such things and then act so innocent, like, why do they think I would have an affair? Ummm because if you look at someone's actions, they say a lot more than that person's words.

 

Take it from someone who almost ruined her professional reputation because she fell in looooooooove and wanted to have a little fun and get her ego stroked and all of that. It is so not worth it. I am only giving you my opinions and advice about your career and your professional reputation because you asked us to do that and because I have BTDT and paid the price. I am trying to call it like I see it and I think you should concentrate on work and not on this drama queen. IMO people are saying you have affairs because of your actions with this woman. They are not appropriate for the workplace. Maybe put up your boundaries a little better and think about how others can perceive what you do. (Now there are people out there who don't give a crap what other people, co-workers or what have you, think of them, but you have said that you do, so my advice is, you are burning yourself at work but playing with this woman's fire... so there is your answer, what more is there to say??)

 

~Nadia.

Edited May 26, 2010 by nadiaj2727