He gave me a ring that he bought for his ex-girlfriend

[aqualily6]

I don't know what to do. Our 5th anniversary of the day we met was coming up, I got him the gift he's been dreaming of, and he selfishly bought video games for himself and the roommates we live with. He probably thought our new roommate would pay rent, but he didn't. On our anniversary he had nothing for me. I felt awful and slept until 1 a.m. in the morning. I woke up upset I missed the day, but I was already depressed he had no plans to take me out that day anyway.

 

I stayed up from 1 a.m. until it was time for church, I went with him, we had church lunch with his mom and brother, and his mom asked to speak to him alone. Later when we got home I asked what that was about. He told me to close my eyes and he put a napkin from the restaurant in my hand. Inside was the ring that I had been wanting. It looked exactly like it. The only problem was that it didn't fit. I asked him if it was his mom's and he told me that he bought it for his first girlfriend when he was 18 and young and stupid. He said that he bought it for the love of his life, but it wasn't her. He said that I was and that his mom hung on to it for the last 15 years.

 

I didn't know what to say other than to be polite and asked him if we could sell it and get one for me. He seemed to be ok with that, but for some reason was still insisting on just having it resized. I am uncomfortable with that. We were fine the whole day until he wanted me to show my ring to the roommates. I had the ring on a necklace tucked under my shirt. I was embarrassed and didn't want them to know he passed off his ex gfs ring onto me. Sometimes my boyfriend does stupid things and doesn't realize it. I love his mom, but I have no idea what the two of them were thinking. That night we got into a fight and he said I was ungrateful and selfish.

 

I yelled at him and told him that he selfishly bought video games, didn't plan anything for our anniversary, and gave me a hand me down ring that he bought out of love for another girl in mind. It wasn't bought for me and there was no thought put into it for me. I yelled, "Is that how much I mean to you?! You can buy a ring for a girl you hardly knew, but it takes you 5 years to realize you don't want to buy one for me!!!"

 

He said, "You wanted a ring and that's what you got."

 

I told him, "Christmases and Valentine's Days and birthdays and anniversaries have been coming and going for 5 years. So yes, I wanted a ring to show your commitment and love for me, but not a ring to remind me of your love and commitment to someone else! That is not what I wanted and I certainly don't want to be married years from now with someone elses ring on my finger."

 

He said. "I don't want to marry you period. I don't don't want you here anymore!"

 

So now he's throwing me out and sending me back to Michigan. We met online 5 years ago and talked on the phone every day, we got together in person 2 years ago and moved me to Florida, and now he's dumping me days after our anniversary. I know he doesn't mean it though. We always say stuff we don't mean and the sad part is that I still love this stupid jerk. Would it be so hard for him to just sell the ring and get me one that fits and means something to us and our future together?

 

I don't know what to do now. I really want to tell the roommates now about what he did so they can say something like, "*Gasp!* He didn't? That is a relationship no no. That was a huge mistake." They would tell him how awful it is... I hope. All our roommates are straight guys, but I think they would get where I'm coming from. Other than that, I don't know what to do. I don't want his mom to find out I got mad about it. I don't even know what she told him to do with the ring. Maybe she wanted him to get a new one. Maybe he misunderstood what she meant. I don't know because I wasn't there when she pulled him aside at the restaurant.

 

His brother kept smiling at me and talking to me- his mom must have told his brother. Why else would he barely talk to me every week and then just start talking to me now on the day with the ring? They all knew, I was clueless, and I am so uncomfortable right now. I love him like crazy, but danggggg. What would you girls do if you were me?

[Mimolicious]

Yikes!

 

Ok, about his mother- his mother didn't know that her son was actually going to tell you the story about the ring. Don't go hating her for actually trying to assist her careless son. I probably meant well.

 

Your guy- Agh! Look at this from this perspective. He said I bought this rign to give it to "the love of my life" and that is was nobody else but you. Isn't this a godo sign? For 15 yrs he held on to something that means a lot to him and he gave it to you!

 

On the other hand, I understand your frustration. You want this ring, your ring to be all for you and about you. I would be a upset too...

People say stupid things when they are angry. Can you guys talk it out? Are you for sure heading back to your home state?

[Heartford]

I completely understand your feelings about this ring, how he originally intended it for someone else, and how it seems like a reminder of HER instead of your love for each other.

 

However, if his mom held on to it for 15 years, and then gave it to him so that he could give it to you, his real true love, I think that's pretty special. Unless he hasn't had another gf between her, when he was 18, and you, when he's 33, he didn't give it away easily. You obviously have the blessing of his mother, as well as his devotion to you.

 

That said, again, I understand your feelings. This is a tough situation. I think it's a situation where a real compromise is in order. You did say you loved the ring, it's the type you definately wanted, before you found out its history. So that's a starting point, as is his mother's and his intent, which was very symbolic, in my opinion. Perhaps ask to get it resized, and add something to it, as well as an inscription or something, to let him know how much you appreciate his intent (obviously he didn't give it away easily--it's very symbolic to him) without demanding a whole new ring, which seems to be hurting his feelings.

[Feelin Frisky]

I'm a dude, obviously. This sounds like a real young jerk's mistake. He sounds like one of the untrainable men talked about in the movie "The Ugly Truth"--really clueless and effectively wrapped up in pleasing themselves. It's not the ring part that bothers me, it's his basically telling you to hit the bricks and you're only a toy (in other words).

 

You don't sound unreasonable at all and should realize that the guy you think you love is not the guy that deserves your love. As hard as it seems my advice is to consider this a lesson in heart break and get yourself permanently distanced from this A-hole. You're not in love with HIM. You're taken by the person you either thought him to be or assumed him to be. You found out otherwise and it damn well hurts to consider all the implications--including that you may be gullible. Make up your mind to land on your feet and learn this lesson in the school of hard knocks. All men aren't like him--and don't delude yourself any further that you "love him"--you love the idea of him being what you want him to be.

 

I have a hole in my heart a mile wide from two failed relationships and the fault was youth and desperation. There's no way I can be so wounded again. You'll know when a guys does the right thing and earns your trust.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I dunno, it sounds to me like he gave you a ring that would require the least amount of effort and money on his part. From what you posted here, it sounds pretty typical considering the the entire five years have come and gone without him putting forth any real time, effort or money toward things for you.

 

I could see if it were something sentimental like a family heirloom ring or something passed down in his family, but this is a ring that represents a failed relationship, given with apparent disregard to someone just to say "you wanted a ring, I gave you one".

 

You can insist on getting what you want from him, but I don't know that I would push it. You may end up spending the rest of your life trying to convince him to be the man for you that you need for him to be, without him ever really becoming that man for you.

[Eeyore79]

I don't think you're being silly; I would also be annoyed if my bf gave me something that he bought for another girl. Maybe he didn't intend to upset you, but he ought to acknowledge that he wasn't thinking things through very well and what he did was actually really hurtful.

 

Your bf sounds overly dramatic - it's completely unacceptable for him to end the relationship so abruptly over such a minor issue (which was his own fault!). Even if he's only saying it and doesn't really mean it, you need to communicate to him that saying such things is unacceptable no matter how angry he is.

 

I'd be tempted to give the ring back and refuse to accept it, and insist that he acknowledges that you are hurt, even if it was unintentional on his part. He needs to have more respect for you and realise that palming off stuff he bought for another girl is unacceptable. It could be just a rookie mistake through lack of experience and not thinking about things properly, but given that you said he didn't plan anything at all for your anniversary or for other occasions, it seems more likely that he just doesn't really care that much. As difficult as it might be, I'd be tempted to just end it and let him stew in his own juices for a while - either he comes to his senses or you're better off without him.

[aqualily6]

I get where you guys are coming from. I feel the same way. But he didn't know his mom kept that ring. She gave it to him because she knew blew all his money.

 

He gave it to me as an after thought and put a pretty "I want you" spin on it. It still seems like an excuse. I wouldn't toss him an old boyfriends watch and say "Enh, there you go. You can have it. Love ya." I just wouldn't do that.

 

The truth is, I don't care if it's a cheap. I saw one at walmart that was under a hundred. It's small and simple and never used. He spent two hundred on his wii games and accessories just before our anniversary. I don't have a job and I still scrimped and saved every penny for a long time just to get him his gift.

 

Lastly, I just don't want to get married with that ring. Resized or not. I have an incredible memory and I know I will remember that girl for the rest of my life. I can't wear her ring forever because its a reminder. Just because of this situation I don't know if I even want to get married for a long time. There's no use.

 

Everyone I know is already married or has children. I want kids so bad, but he said its not Christian to have them before marriage. So I've been waiting for him to be ready. He started going to church again with his mom (who is a sunday school teacher) to look for some kind of sign and I've been going with him for 8 weeks. I don't come from a religious background, but I am saved and all that. I like praying at home because church just makes me have more questions than answers.

 

So I moved 1500 miles for him, gave up friends, family, my 2 week old niece, my dogs, I go to church for him, I say grace in public which is strange for me, I celebrate holidays with his family, and I haven't seen my family in 2 years. I gave up everything for him just to be with him and I thought that it would show him that I love him more than anything.

 

There is one thing I want to do more than anything right now and it's to call my parents and tell them that we want to get married. I wanted my sacrifice to mean something. But if he doesn't understand why I'm upset then he doesn't really care.

 

Maybe I should just go back to Michigan where people miss me. My second niece is being born in June and my cousin had a baby a couple months ago that I haven't seen yet. My other cousin and one of my dear friends are expecting as well. My dad wants me there to help him because he has diabetes and I was the only one that knew which pills and shots he had to take. He forgets easily. My mom works less shifts because of her leg they removed a blood clot from is all swollen and covered in bad sores. My grandpa's home nurse thinks that his emphysema is so bad he should be in the hospital permanently until he passes away. My parents dogs are so old- they probably didn't know why I walked out the door one day and never came back. I left when my niece was a baby so she doesn't even know who I am. They all need me and they tell me I still have a home there. If my boyfriend is willing to throw me away so easily then maybe I shouldn't be here.

 

I love him and I put him before everyone else. For him- he loves this house, he loves his roommates, his family, his video games, his electronics, his favorite computer, and if there's any room left he puts me last.

[FitChick]

Find out what the value of the ring is and then exchange it for another ring of equal value (or pay the difference if it's slightly more) that you like more. You could probably get more value for your money at a pawn shop. Or change the ring in some way -- setting, stone. It's a gift to you, not an engagement ring, so when you break up you can still keep it.

 

Your boyfriend just sounds immature and clueless, not mean spirited. Do you really want to marry someone like that?

[Heartford]

Maybe I missed something, sorry if I did. Is it true he has never really done anything for you regarding any other special holiday? Do you really believe that his mom threw him that ring because he had no gift for you and he was like, "Oh, wow, I forgot about that, cool, I'll give it to her!"?

 

If all that's true, then yes, I'd say he's not very mature, and definately not at the level of commitment that you are seeking. You've made so many sacrifices for him, and now you are feeling resentment. Resentment is a hard emotion to overcome, it seems that once it seeps into a relationship, the relationship is essentially over.

[Mimolicious]

Sounds to me like you guys have far more issues than just a recycled ring.

 

You sound like you resent him a lot. Pay attention to those signs, they don't go away once you're married, on the contrary.

[aqualily6]

I'm not really resenting him. I want him to make it up to me, but he doesn't understand what that means. He doesn't understand that I can easily forgive because I love him. Just because something is broken doesn't mean it should be tossed out especially if there's a chance to fix it. I don't want our relationship to end. He could try for once. But I am rethinking things in the sense that everything I've done won't matter if he just gives up. I want to give him a chance to put me first. I will just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe he will want to talk. All couples have issues. It's the ones that we put up with and accept that shows that we care.

[soserious1]

I'm not really resenting him. I want him to make it up to me, but he doesn't understand what that means. He doesn't understand that I can easily forgive because I love him. Just because something is broken doesn't mean it should be tossed out especially if there's a chance to fix it. I don't want our relationship to end. He could try for once. But I am rethinking things in the sense that everything I've done won't matter if he just gives up. I want to give him a chance to put me first. I will just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe he will want to talk. All couples have issues. It's the ones that we put up with and accept that shows that we care.

 

"He said. "I don't want to marry you period. I don't don't want you here anymore!"

 

Seems to me he's told you flat out just how much he cares, I'd be on the phone to my family, packing my things

and thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have kids with this guy.

[Heartford]

Sounds like you're backpeddling, giving him excuses. Ok, that's fine, I just would like to know the answers to what I asked earlier regarding your relationship...... meaning, has he been attentive to you before, and if not, why are you willing to accept this token as something more than something his mom gave him to give to you because she "knew he blew all his money."

 

You scrimped and saved, he bought video games. Planned nothing.

 

I'm not sure you should be giving him so much benefit of the doubt. He kind of sounds shifty.

[Jilly Bean]

He said. "I don't want to marry you period.

 

Believe this part.

 

I think his lack of real effort and attention to you at this point, is indicative of his real feelings towards you. It's almost like he was testing you to see how little you were willing to tolerate, and when you blew up, rightfully so, over the redone ring and his dismissal of a real anniversary event/gift, he used it as an opportunity to dump you.

 

I'd go back to Michigan. Otherwise, I think the writing is on the wall that it will always be slim pickings with this guy.

[dazzle22]

This is who he is. Kind of a clueless guy who just doesn't get all the nuances of romance. Kind of like a dog who just sits there and looks at you quizzically when you say a long sentence and expect them to get it.

 

No matter how much you wish it to be so, you will not change who he is. If you stay with him, he will probably buy you a blender or waffle iron for V day or an anniversary in the future and be mystified why you don't like it, since you said you could use one.

 

He'll sit on the couch with his buddies and play Wii, and not understand why you are upset with him, since he is 'with you' in the room. He's a Chevy, he'll never be a Jaguar, no matter how many times you put new tires on him. You will have to accept that he is missing a 'sensitivity chip' or move on to someone who has one.

[KikiW]

You have every right to be upset. From what you say, he does not put you before things like the house, his friends and his games. He is self-centered and immature. He is not ready to be married, let alone married to you. You deserve to be put first in some key instances. And the ring? It's a sign of how your life will be. As soon as I read about that ring my heart sank for you. That just stinks. Ok, I will chalk it up to him being thoughtless, fine. But you TOLD him it was thoughtless and if he was a MAN about it he would have apologized and exchanged it. Or at least discussed it like an adult instead of getting all petulant and telling you to go home.

 

You will sacrifice everything, and he will sacrifice nothing. That is a bad marriage waiting to happen.

 

Go back to Michigan. It's ok to have spent the time you did with him, but you should use what you learned with him in future relationships. Make it clear - at least to yourself - what you expect from a partner/future husband. Don't marry this one. He's no where near ready to be a husband so unless you feel like sitting around and waiting (I wager big cash you'll be waiting about 5-10 more years), cut loose and start fresh.

[sally4sara]

I get where you guys are coming from. I feel the same way. But he didn't know his mom kept that ring. She gave it to him because she knew blew all his money.

 

He gave it to me as an after thought and put a pretty "I want you" spin on it. It still seems like an excuse. I wouldn't toss him an old boyfriends watch and say "Enh, there you go. You can have it. Love ya." I just wouldn't do that.

 

If my boyfriend is willing to throw me away so easily then maybe I shouldn't be here.

 

I love him and I put him before everyone else. For him- he loves this house, he loves his roommates, his family, his video games, his electronics, his favorite computer, and if there's any room left he puts me last.

 

More than anything else, that he did not actively keep this particular ring because he felt it embodied the scope of the love he wanted to give is what stands out the most and would also bother me.

 

And how can one ever feel stable in a relationship where expressing your feelings brings a swift and rash eviction from the place they are suppose to think of as home? The ring could have been brand new and far exceeded her expectations - what would it matter if the guy is going to threaten to kick her out miles from home when they fight?

[aqualily6]

Thank you for your advice. I think I know what I need to do. Sry I can't answer anymore questions. I just want to cool off so I can think clearly. I won't be on here anymore, so you can still reply if you'd like for others that may have a similar problem. But I think I've got everything I needed from the previous posts. Thanks.

[KikiW]

Sorry to hear that, aqua, good luck to you.