Need someone to listen/understands what I'm going through.

[V1k1ng0]

Background: Well I've been married for 6 years and have three boys. I could sit here and tell you a bag of lies and tell her it is all her fault and have my own pity party but the fact of the matter is we both did things that have contributed to this mess. We got married younger and dumber and tried to cope with lifes challenges : new baby, college, work, bills, friends, family. I've had so much time to reflect on what I have done that would make her want to get divorced. I went out with my frat bros a lot when she was at home with the kids, I complained about her cooking, I called her names, I expected too much from her, I yelled at her, I never took the time to love her the way she should have been loved. Honestly, I never really knew what love was until about 2 months ago. Sad I know. People say love but they really dont know what it is. I can honestly say that I know what it is. Too bad it's too late.

 

I have always had a problem with her working because it always seemed she never really wanted to be at home or that she even loved the boys. It's like once she got hired for any job she never looked back at us and would throw herself into her work and forget about us. It's funny, I would always ask if it was ok to go out with my buddies and she never told me no. She would actually make arrangements to make sure I was able to. I lost my job and decided to move us back home where I'm from. I didn't consult her about the move and apparently this was a changing point for her. Nevermind the fact that she was really good friends with my cousins and actually got to spend more time having fun than before. I honestly thought things were going pretty good but I would get upset at her if she paid a bill late or didnt tell me about money problems we were having. She got a job and quickly made her way up the company. I got a good job and it was in something I had been wanting to do for a long time. Then she started staying later at work and volunteering to work extra shifts. I was always the one with the boys and missed having her around so we could do things as a family. During this time I continued to hang out with my frat bros but she never complained about it or told me not to. So I went. I've never cheated on her ever and have never laid a hand on her in anger. I thought the way things were going was the way we lived with each other. I thought it was normal, I didnt think anything was wrong. Then I got the phone bill with all of her text messages to her boss. Then I found her having sex chat on the computer with her boss. I confronted her about this mess and I asked her what she was thinking. She said she had fallen for him and did not mean for it to happen but it did. I asked her what else they had done and she said they had made out and groped each other and she had played with his man parts while at work. They used to go on trips out of town for meetings and definately had the chance to do the do but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I went to a divorce attorney and contemplated divorcing her but I chose not to because God hates divorce and I wanted my children to have a mother that is actually their mother. I quit my job, sold our house and we all moved back to her hometown. She promised me we would go to marriage counseling but we only went to 2 sessions and then she got a job and never looked back.

 

I became a stay at home dad and worked on finishing up my degree. She did very well at her job but was always talking to other guys who were not the kind of guys you'd want your spouse to be around on a constant basis. She was exposed to the lifestyle where being promiscuus was ok and doing weed was ok and having an open marriage was ok and being a b---h was ok whenever someone talked back to her. She changed. She started talking about wanting to be about making more money and working more hours. She started it all up again. I am not going to lie, I was jealous of her success. I felt like one of those dead beat dads people talk about but I know I was not. I am grateful for all the time I was able to spend with my boys given the current circumstances. We started going back to church and things were good.

 

Then she got promoted and we moved to a different town. Then she started working more hours and these guys werent as bad as the others but she always seemed to find a way to keep in contact with the other guys and soon became acquanited with many other men who were not the kind of people you would want your spouse to be around. She started changing her hair style, getting nails done, she started listening to rock music, went to get a tattoo. Then I got the phone bill. She was talking to another manager from another store everyday on a constant basis. TXT msgs off the chart. She told me it was for work but then I asked why there wasnt any other msgs to other managers too. Then she said it was just a friend. given the past experience I was not as trusting. Yeah I may have become a bit more upset and sad because of this . She would come home later so she could talk to him on the phone at work, and I would catch her hiding in the batroom or outside talking/texting him.

 

Then she mentioned the divorce word and I became upset. I asked her why she was doing this. she told me she loved me but wasnt in love with me. I did my best to try and be better for her. I was doing the love dare and was reading love and respect and things seemed to have changed. I thought I was doing good. then she got fired and it felt like I was finally going to have my chance to be the bread winner again. I went out looking for jobs and everything. then i got the phone bill. she was still talking to this guy. I said what is there that you two could be talking about so much since she doesnt even work there. WTF???? Here I am trying to do better for her and she'd rather talk to this other dude. Then april 7th rolled around and things seemed to be going great. We had a great night before and everything just felt so good. I made her her favorite breakfast and then she starts texting this guy again and then lies about it. Then she says she wants a break. WTF?????

 

I said I'd go home for a week to let things cool down or she could clear her head. I get home and the next day she says she wants a divorce, she broke our lease on our house and took our kids to our mothers along with all our posessions. I only took a small bag with me. then i'm told I cant move in with her there but could stay at her uncles if I wanted. the next day she filed for divorce. 2 months later I'm living with my parents, havent seen my boys in forever, don't understand why she is doing this, just wish things would go back to being normal. Feels like a bad dream.

 

Her reason for divorce is that we fight too much. I dont understand. she even said things were going good but now she just cant take it. then the tickler, the whole I love you but i'm not in love with you pops up again. I am dumbfounded by all of this. how can she be like everything is great one second and then boom I want a divorce.

 

I miss her so much and the pain hurts. Add to that the not seeing my boys. I went from seeing them everyday to not seeing them at all. I dont understand it. I've been going to church and bible study since I've been home and my body just wants to go out and go nuts and say screw it but that would only last a moment. I want my wife and kids back. I want to make this work.

 

The day before we talked like nothing was wrong and I felt as if she wanted to reconcile but then today she tells me no. she was just trying to be nice. i asked her if she wanted to go to marriage counseling and she said no she did not want to and that she doesnt need a man in her life. I asked her to forgive me for whatever I did but it does nothing. I am sorry for all the things I've done and understand that they are upsetting but I do not think it warrants getting divorced over. I forgave her when she messed around why cant she forgive me. I got the paperwork for divorce and I will not sign it because I feel like it condones her actions. I'm giving this all to God and ask that He shows me the way or what to do to make her come back to me or want to be with me. I've learned what love is and how to love better but it's for nothing if she doesnt even want to try.

 

 

I am broken inside.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fki04dpFD-0

[aeren944]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're dealing with right now, v1k1ng0. Its a lot to deal with, and a lot to go through. However, learning what love is and hot to love better is not for nothing, even if she doesn't want to try. Learning all that stuff is important for bringing all of it into the next relationship. I understand how you feel, though. My fiance did the same thing, and my world was pulled out from under me.

 

But right now, if you can, try not to think about the reconciling. It's not going to help you right now, and there's a lot of water under the bridge that would need to be ignored if you got back together. Try to make it day to day. Why can't you see your boys?

[Gunny376]

Its did, done and over with ~ time to move on and forward with your life.

 

The time, effort, energy and money you would exert in getting her back? Would net you ten others that would be grateful and thankful for what you have to offer.

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

Go for custody of the boys ~ full custody. Go for half if not all of the household furnishings ~ or at least have her pay you have of the current market value of such.

 

She's so "Miss Successful" I'd go for alimony.

 

She's a self-centered, narcissistic, self caring only about herself "Ho" She puts her wants, her needs, her desires before you and even her own children.

 

You can't get rid of her fast of enough. Even if your got her back it would be only a matter of time before she was back to cheating on you, (You really don't believe that they were just swapping spit with each other do you?)

[V1k1ng0]

But right now, if you can, try not to think about the reconciling. It's not going to help you right now, and there's a lot of water under the bridge that would need to be ignored if you got back together. Try to make it day to day. Why can't you see your boys?

 

My hometown is in TX and they are in OK. When I came down to TX to visit my parents I was not working. I was a stay at home dad and going to school. Just found out I'll be able to see them in June. : )

[V1k1ng0]

Its did, done and over with ~ time to move on and forward with your life.

 

The time, effort, energy and money you would exert in getting her back? Would net you ten others that would be grateful and thankful for what you have to offer.

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

Go for custody of the boys ~ full custody. Go for half if not all of the household furnishings ~ or at least have her pay you have of the current market value of such.

 

She's so "Miss Successful" I'd go for alimony.

 

She's a self-centered, narcissistic, self caring only about herself "Ho" She puts her wants, her needs, her desires before you and even her own children.

 

You can't get rid of her fast of enough. Even if your got her back it would be only a matter of time before she was back to cheating on you, (You really don't believe that they were just swapping spit with each other do you?)

 

 

Thanks for the comment as I've thought all of those things. I've thought about if we did get back together and I have come to the same conclusion as you. I think she will always seek out an emotional affair that will eventually turn into a physical affair. I wonder if she sees this. It makes me very sad to realize this. The only thing would be for God to show her what's wrong.

 

I've read some of these threads and see I'm not alone in getting the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" excuse. What does this come from???? What kind of "love" is it she needs or is wanting??? I think it is just an easier way to say I like you I think you are cool but I want to mess around and not have to feel bad about it. Am I wrong?? I dont know.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Well I finally figured out this morning what "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore." really means..It means..'I don't love you anymore'..'in fact I haven't loved you for quite awhile'..'I just throw in the I love you but just not to make it harder on me for leaving your sorry ass when I should have left you long ago!!!'...anyway that's my interpretaion of it..also "No there is no one else, I just need space"...that means 'of course there's someone else stupid..do really think I would go through all this JUST TO BE BY MYSELF? damn now do you see why I'm leaving?";

[V1k1ng0]

Well I finally figured out this morning what "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore." really means..It means..'I don't love you anymore'..'in fact I haven't loved you for quite awhile'..'I just throw in the I love you but just not to make it harder on me for leaving your sorry ass when I should have left you long ago!!!'...anyway that's my interpretaion of it..also "No there is no one else, I just need space"...that means 'of course there's someone else stupid..do really think I would go through all this JUST TO BE BY MYSELF? damn now do you see why I'm leaving?";

 

And the hits keep coming.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Hey viking...I'm sorry I was just venting..but as you will find out on these post..people have 'rant' days and good days..it helps..of course what I posted means nothing since all relationships are different...and another thing..last night when I dropped my 11 yr old daughter off at her moms my daughter told me "Dad, mom told me to tell you she misses you."..we have been physically separated 1 1/2 mos...it's just the emotional rollercoaster ride..problem is after being apart this long I never thought I would even think about NOT WANTING to get back together..but everyones different.

[Doing it Since '78]

Sorry to hear about your situation bro, but everybody is right. That $ hit is over, done deal. Just because you are not working does not mean you won't be on the hook for child support. Pull yourself up outta the $hitter, get a fcking job, and put yourself in a financial position to get custody of your sons, or at least a lions share of the custody where you can at least be in their lives on a consistant basis.

 

Or don't, and allow them to watch the train of different men/bosses/dudes from the bar, masquerade themselves throughout your wifes bed for the next (18?) years, as she allows them to attach to every tom dick and larry as a father figure (You know what you are not doing sitting idly by hoping she comes around to her senses). Guess what Bro, not only does she know where you are if she wanted to connect with you, she also knows what she wants and how to go about and get it. And my main man, it is NOT you.

 

Do it or don't, but it's now man up time, stop being a pussy and get your mind right. And I say all this with the utmost love and respect for your situation bro, as my brothers had this same talk with me when my WS took a rusty screwdriver and gouged my gott damn heart out, all in less than a week. It's hard, not fair, but remember this:

 

"Lifes a bitch and then you LIVE"

 

So live your life for your boys, who don't deserve any of this bull$hit, you feel me?

[V1k1ng0]

Hey viking...I'm sorry I was just venting..but as you will find out on these post..people have 'rant' days and good days..it helps..of course what I posted means nothing since all relationships are different...and another thing..last night when I dropped my 11 yr old daughter off at her moms my daughter told me "Dad, mom told me to tell you she misses you."..we have been physically separated 1 1/2 mos...it's just the emotional rollercoaster ride..problem is after being apart this long I never thought I would even think about NOT WANTING to get back together..but everyones different.

 

No need to apologize. I understand man. It's a ride I am just trying to get off too. If my wife had one of my boys say that to me I think I'd get upset.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation bro, but everybody is right. That $ hit is over, done deal. Just because you are not working does not mean you won't be on the hook for child support. Pull yourself up outta the $hitter, get a fcking job, and put yourself in a financial position to get custody of your sons, or at least a lions share of the custody where you can at least be in their lives on a consistant basis.

 

Or don't, and allow them to watch the train of different men/bosses/dudes from the bar, masquerade themselves throughout your wifes bed for the next (18?) years, as she allows them to attach to every tom dick and larry as a father figure (You know what you are not doing sitting idly by hoping she comes around to her senses). Guess what Bro, not only does she know where you are if she wanted to connect with you, she also knows what she wants and how to go about and get it. And my main man, it is NOT you.

 

Do it or don't, but it's now man up time, stop being a pussy and get your mind right. And I say all this with the utmost love and respect for your situation bro, as my brothers had this same talk with me when my WS took a rusty screwdriver and gouged my gott damn heart out, all in less than a week. It's hard, not fair, but remember this:

 

"Lifes a bitch and then you LIVE"

 

So live your life for your boys, who don't deserve any of this bull$hit, you feel me?

 

Thanks man I appreciate the input and I'm not being sarcastic. You are indeed right, it is time to man up. Time to move on. I feel you. I have since shut her out as a friend to talk to and have kept it all strictly business. It's tough and I love her but it's not me who is screwing this up now for everyone. I've made my peace with God about this and He knows my heart. I'm giving it all to Him and I'm going to focus on my boys and pray that God helps her out because I can't anymore.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06AgY5Xoavw

[marylamb]

Hello,

 

Your story is very very similar to mine, with a few exceptions. My husband left, and I put him through school, (most of it) and I have had suspicions of someone else, that he was interested in. And a few other issues. But most of it I can totally relate. He left me September 11th 2008, and came back and forth home and I had always held out hope. TO my dismay he started pushing for the divorce in August and was final in December. He is in school full time completing his doctorate, and I work full time, with three kids and going back to school. I feel devastated, and broken. It really sucks. I miss him, and he doesnt even like me. The only conversations he cares to have is about the kids. I don't understand how we went from almost being married 8 years to what it is now. I walk around like a zombie trying to motivate myself to start my life over again. I have been so used to taking care of the kids and him, that I am not sure how to do it for myself. I am still trying to figure out how to just let go, and continue moving forward. Everyone says just let go, but how do you let go when you still love that person very much? Well, when I read your post I thought it was my ex- until I continued reading, the story is very much alike. What I do, is focus on my kids, if nothing else, that at least keeps me moving to some degree. =)

[V1k1ng0]

Hello,

 

Your story is very very similar to mine, with a few exceptions. My husband left, and I put him through school, (most of it) and I have had suspicions of someone else, that he was interested in. And a few other issues. But most of it I can totally relate. He left me September 11th 2008, and came back and forth home and I had always held out hope. TO my dismay he started pushing for the divorce in August and was final in December. He is in school full time completing his doctorate, and I work full time, with three kids and going back to school. I feel devastated, and broken. It really sucks. I miss him, and he doesnt even like me. The only conversations he cares to have is about the kids. I don't understand how we went from almost being married 8 years to what it is now. I walk around like a zombie trying to motivate myself to start my life over again. I have been so used to taking care of the kids and him, that I am not sure how to do it for myself. I am still trying to figure out how to just let go, and continue moving forward. Everyone says just let go, but how do you let go when you still love that person very much? Well, when I read your post I thought it was my ex- until I continued reading, the story is very much alike. What I do, is focus on my kids, if nothing else, that at least keeps me moving to some degree. =)

 

 

Sorry you are going through a mess like this too. I myself have wondered what the Christian thing to do is? What she is doing is clearly not right. I feel like that shouldn't dictate my actions of wanting to have faith, hope and love for our marriage and a reconciliation. I have come to the conclusion that this marriage will not be brought back together by my hands but by God, if it is his will. Only God can mend a heart and convict a person of their actions. I have given it all to God and I am definately not leaning on my own understanding. I wish I could focus on my kids more but she has them for now and now I only get them for the summer and special holidays, which is crap. I went from 12 months/24 hours a day with them to a measly 4 months. God knows what He does. Keeping you in my prayers ML.

[V1k1ng0]

The boys are with me for the summer and it has been a good few days so far. We got a ton of stuff planned for the summer. I am so grateful to God for the blessings He has given me.

 

The only thing that hurts is that they will be going back at the end of the summer. Trying not to think about it but it's there (shaking fist in air). The other thing that is driving me nuts is that not having my wife with me here makes it all not seem right. I am not going to lie I miss her so much. I even offered that she could come down if she wanted to. She said no and she had a new job. It seems like the absence of the boys has made her pretty sad as can be expected and when I talk to her she doesnt seem as arrogant/prideful. I hope she really understands that what she is feeling is what I have/will be going through because she wants this divorce. I finally confronted her about her trying to blame me for the failure of our marriage. I admit that I made mistakes and I asked for forgiveness and have done my best to learn from them. I told her that our communication was terrible and that I had to go to marriage counseling on my own just so I could decipher what she was saying. I told her that whatever happens in the future this is something she might work on for the sake of the boys. I once again asked her why she was doing this because the same old excuses just did not add up. She tried to explain a real answer this time and admitted that her talking to other guys was to find love. I told her that what she was looking for with those guys was not love but merely the feeling of the love. I asked her if she thought what I was doing would be considered more loving. She got real quiet and did not respond. I feel like she understood what I was saying. Maybe she saw what I've been saying all along. Not holding my breath. She quickly said she had to go walking with her little cousin at 9pm. LOL. Told her to be safe and I was praying for her.

 

She has made some improvements in her life by giving up caffeine and trying to quit smoking. Something we argued about all the time because she would get massive migraines from over doing the both. Funny how she would get defensive with me and now it's ok. I'm happy she is doing it either way.

 

She called this morning to talk to the boys and was super cold. I guess I struck a nerve the night before. I am not losing hope for our marriage. God can work miracles. I miss my wife. You might think I'm crazy for this but this past week I signed over all the possessions she had that were mine to her so that she could sell/keep/donate them as she saw fit. She was dumbfounded. I pray that God will use them to bless her and those in need. If you are a praying person please keep our marriage in your prayers. I do not know what will happen but I pray God gives strength and peace either way. Lord please hear my prayer.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry6udsW9leA