travelinman Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) Hi there, found this forum while googling some advice on long distance, I've talked to my best friend and brother about this in more detail but I really feel like some objective 3rd party opinion might help too. First week in Jan I met a girl out one night and we hit it off incredibly well, with that feeling like wow this could be something special. Turned out she's finishing her residency 3 hours away and was just in with friends for the weekend, so we did the phone exchange and started "dating" from there. Did the road trips every other weekend ever since, things going amazingly well for vday and 3day weekends here and there. The one big problem was that after two months of spending ungodly hours on the phone (3-5 a night), texts, emails, weekend dates that were essentially up to 72 hours each she still never mentioned anything about boyfriend/girlfriend, which started to worry me if something else was going on or if she just wasn't all that interested. The problem was the intensity vs the lack of taking hold of all of it, something I've never experienced before. Finally had a talk with her in March saying I was wondering what was up, her response was that we were exclusively dating, but not bf/gf because that term was too serious for her. As it turns out she told me she was previously engaged in a nearly 6 yr relationship that ended last Oct and to her, boyfriend was pre-engagement. Ok so titles aside we were doing alright, but the other big bombshell on the history was why that ended. Apparently she had a 2 week affair with a colleague and her fiance she found out had at the same time been with some older woman for a while (they were long distance for the last year of their engagement). Things got very nasty, both with her fiance and at work and she was just getting back into dating with me as the first since last Oct. This was tough on me because commitment is extremely important and I've never cheated even in casual dating, but here we are and I liked her for who she was deep down, this was more of a troubling new twist. We continued (myself with some trepidation), but things felt a bit awkward and the spark had been covered as I tried to understand her need for time to get over the past and the titles and just be comfortable in a relationship again, but she would never discuss anything serious about us or where she was with the past, so after 5 months I asked again, a misstep from her brought the admission that cheating had been closer to a year of off and on with this co-worker, not 2 weeks. I felt completely sunk and just left mid weekend last week, feeling that it'd be impossible to trust someone who could do that based on how much we'd fallen back from the beginning's high. Normally I'm a very rational and honest and level-headed person but this has left me very confused. I've only every done one LDR which was in college (we're both 29), but all this week the conversations have been about how that was the past and she's learned how terrible it was and she's been 100% faithful and doesn't ever want to do that again. It's hard that she wants to be back together and have this duality of saying I'm not there right now but I could see us together forever, and on top of that have such a rough past that's the opposite of what I believe in relationships. I'm not sure if I should let her back, but I really feel like I can help her and this could be the chance for redemption in her dating, still all those black clouds worry me about us and what she might be capable of doing to me. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated, I can add more or answer questions as needed. Thanks in advance! Edited May 24, 2010 by travelinman
TMichaels Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 travelinman, After reading your post, a few scenarios come to mind... 1) She may not have been forthcoming to you about her past because: a. She's not ready for a relationship b. She's still holding a torch for her ex, or the man she cheated with c. She has learned her lesson, likes you and didn't want to scare you off d. She likes you, knows she has fidelity issues, and even if she says she's working on it, isn't quite sure she can "go the distance." You can always hang in there and see where things go, but I would caution you about one thing... Don't harbor any fantasies about "helping her redeem herself" by continuing your relationship. It's not your job "to teach her" -- she either has morals, integrity and is willing to put in what it takes or she doesn't. She's not a "fix-it project" -- and if that's what you're hoping to do, you're setting yourself up for a near-certain fall and a whole lot of hurt. HTH, TMichaels
Author travelinman Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 thanks TMichaels, based on what she's said it's definitely not B, probably a combination of A and C. I do think you're right about the second part and giving her the time to decide on her own is going to be critical, I just like to help my friends and I do feel bad that she's had such big mistakes and hope she can come around to something better. All in all not the happiest scenario for long distance but maybe this will be the right kind of wake up call for her.
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