What truly is the AFFAIR FOG?

[Spark1111]

To me, a fBS spouse, it was this:

 

A very unhappy man, angry and critical with me, until DDay forced his hand.

 

He then crumpled. His first words: Please don't tell anyone.

 

Enraged, I told trusted family and friends, threw him out, told him to go get her, and planned for a future without him.

 

He then alternated between extreme anger and blaming of me, to tears and begging.

 

He was a total depressed mess when down, and an arrogant egotistical jerk when not. The "jerk" always reappeared after he had seen or spoken to his OW.

 

He texted me and then texted her, trying to see what his best option would be. He was indecisive, cowardly and had lived a life so compartmentalized, that he was dissembling in the aftermath of DDAY.

 

She was still willing to work it out with him, telling him they would get through this.

 

As for me, he could have told me the sky was blue and I would not have believed him. I was unwilling to talk anything out with him, let alone entertain the idea of reconciling with someone who had lied to my face for 1.5 years!

 

He tried to blame me, or make the affair my fault, which was truly nonsensical to me at that time. He tried to minimize the affair by saying they were "just friends," or "every marriage has its problems."

 

He kept telling me to calm down, almost as if, I had no right to be angry.

 

He started to spew all the justifications he had told himself during the affair, as if he had a right to have one. I just kept shaking my head and saying, "well, have a nice life. Why are you still here? Go get her."

 

To me, this was the fog: Not knowing why you are standing in my hallway begging me back, not being able to justify ANY of your emotions, either for her or for me; deeply confused and still wanting both relationships, but being unable to truly choose either one; totally self-delusional.

 

Now, he starts texting me to ask me what I am doing; who I am with. None of your business, I tell him. Come get your clothes on Saturday when I am out.

 

Then calls to tell me something good happening on the job, and I respond, stop calling me like we are friends because we are not. He starts to cry.

 

Then an angry text: Don't throw any of my parents stuff out.

 

I respond: I loved your parents and would never do that.

 

It was almost comical how he had placed a halo on her head, and the devil horns on mine.

 

I, personally refused to re-commit to him until HE came out of the fog. I refused to allow his fog to influence my choices, my decisions, my life.

 

He had to prove, through his ACTIONS, that he was a man worthy of having a conversation with, let alone reconcile to.

 

I didn't forgive him because he blamed an affair fog. I couldn't even have a rational exchange of dialog until he came out of the affair fog.

 

What does Affair fog mean to you?

[Owl]

When I talk about "affair fog" in reference to a WS, what I am referring to is their complete inability to reason or perceive consequences, see the "big picture, or basically understand anything outside of their focus on the affair partner.

 

My wife was involved in an EA. Just prior to d-day, her and OM had an IM conversation where he asked what she thought would happen when 'the truth came out'.

 

She told him that her kids would understand. They'd be upset for a while, but they were smart and would bounce back. She figured I'd be hurt, but would work through it, and we'd all end up being close friends and something of an extended family.

 

Non-sequiter.

 

The kids were FURIOUS. Told her that she could go, but that they'd not come see her for at least a year. Refused to consider meeting OM.

 

Ya'll can guess how I took the news...LOL.

 

And the whole 'close friends' thing???

 

Nope...the bottom line was her affair fog fantasy was SHATTERED when it hit cold hard reality. Yes, she was still "foggy" for a few months aftewards...and by that I mean there were occasional massive lapses in judgement and thought processes around the affair and our marriage.

 

But the longer the affair was over, the more her cognitive skills returned.

 

That's my take on it. Basically it means that they're unable to see the world in the same way everyone else does, because of their involvement in the affair.

[delirious]

It was love to me, but a highly emotional and physical peaking of feelings. Like taking drugs (not that I have), like I needed it and nothing would stop me.

[Snowflower]

 

What does Affair fog mean to you?

 

I would love to know where the term came from! I don't think I've read about it anywhere but here.

 

All I can say about affair fog is from my own personal experience and it's why I don't discount the term/idea.

 

My H confessed his A to me after 4 months of increasingly strange and then downright mean behavior from him.

 

Looking back, the handwriting was on the wall...it was so obvious that he was in an affair.

 

But at that time, I was a newbie to the painful world of affairs. So, I didn't know any better.

 

He had moved out briefly but then returned home and the rollercoaster that was a part of his affair continued. He admitted that he was still talking to the OW and I gave him the it's her or me speech. I remember we were driving home at the time.

 

The conversation was very calm and after a few minutes of silence my husband suddenly looked at me and said, 'my god, I can see everything so clearly. What the h*ll was I thinking. I love you.'

 

And that was my experience with the affair fog. From that day on, I never saw my husband return to the same, good man he had always been. Our reconciliation began that night.

 

It was like he stepped out of this false persona he had been 'wearing' for the previous several months and back into his old self. I'll never forget it.

 

I wanted to add that I had never heard the term at that point and neither had my H...but the concept makes a lot of sense when I think back to that night.

 

As I was typing this, I realized d-day was 18 months ago TODAY for me. Weird.

Edited May 24, 2010 by Snowflower

[grogster]

"Affair fog" is shorthand for a multitude of cognitive and emotional impairments/limitations that prevent the wayward spouse from considering the full ramifications of his affair-- except as to his AP. It is a monocular tunnel vision in which the WS can see, imagine and emotionally connect to one, and only one, individual: his AP. The AP is all he cares about.

 

It's love, infatuation, sexual heat all rolled into one and then magnified by the secrecy and duplicity inherent to affairs. In the thickest part of the fog, the conscience goes on holiday, the sexual juices overflow and the APs define and boundary each other's lives. One's marriage becomes light, ethereal and insubstantial while the affair, like some relationship "black hole," consumes all the WP's energy, eros, commitment and focus.

 

The fog is thickest pre-discovery and early in the affair. The ugly consequences of discovery have not yet intruded and the APs can enjoy, without intrusion, sharing time together in the metaphoric affair "bubble".

 

This bubble, however, almost always bursts and the fog, over time, dissipates. By then, it's often too late to save the marriage and family.

Edited May 24, 2010 by grogster

[MizFit]

I may be thread jacking, but not sure...if I am let me know and I'll devise a separate thread.

 

I've not been a WS so I don't know what 'fog' is firsthand. If it's supposed to be strongest pre DDay and at the beginning, what is the lure of the affair after at least 1 DDay and once the A is beyond it's honeymoon stage? The fog is gone and there's been a DDay so all that can be lost is front and center...if the fog is to blame for the high level of emotions pre DDay then what maintains it?

[wheelwright]

"Affair fog" is shorthand for a multitude of cognitive and emotional impairments/limitations that prevent the wayward spouse from considering the full ramifications of his affair-- except as to his AP. It is a monocular tunnel vision in which the WS can see, imagine and emotionally connect to one, and only one, individual: his AP. The AP is all he cares about.

 

It's love, infatuation, sexual heat all rolled into one and then magnified by the secrecy and duplicity inherent to affairs. In the thickest part of the fog, the conscience goes on holiday, the sexual juices overflow and the APs define and boundary each other's lives. One's marriage becomes light, ethereal and insubstantial while the affair, like some relationship "black hole," consumes all the WP's energy, eros, commitment and focus.

 

The fog is thickest pre-discovery and early in the affair. The ugly consequences of discovery have not yet intruded and the APs can enjoy, without intrusion, sharing time together in the metaphoric affair "bubble".

 

This bubble, however, almost always bursts and the fog, over time, dissipates. By then, it's often too late to save the marriage and family.

 

I don't discount this view of As.

 

But I can't see how someone in love with another outside of their M and (foolishly) involved with them would behave any differently.

 

Both love and fog would make someone behave like this. Are they not one and the same thing?

 

A love is perhaps not sensible, so when they 'come out of the fog' they are learning to favour other paths more than love.

 

I also believe that after DDay some WSs recognise they have been behaving miserably to their LT partner, that they owe them more. And in some circumstances that they are still in love with their BS, and the choice is easy (Snowflower's situation I suspect).

 

I think there are degrees of strength in A love and in M love which dictate how smooth the ride may be for reconciling couples. Strong M love even if complacency has set in beats even strong new (A) love, like paper beats stone. Strong A love sometimes beats weak M love like scissors beat paper.

 

So, I suppose I am saying that while I don't believe in the idea of fog, I think there can be a number of things APs need to consider in the face of their love, which is unwelcome in areas of their lives for them and for others. Not least their attachment (in whatever form it takes) to their BS.

 

In the A they are hiding from this to a degree. It may seem to BSs when they stop hiding they come out of a fog. But I think they are just making choices about life and love(s) at that moment, or across time.

 

And Spark, I could read your story a million times, and I would still take my hat off to you every time. I really wonder what I would have done if faced a BS who acted like you after DDay.

[reboot]

When I talk about "affair fog" in reference to a WS, what I am referring to is their complete inability to reason or perceive consequences, see the "big picture, or basically understand anything outside of their focus on the affair partner.

 

This is the typical definition of affair fog.

[Doing it Since '78]

"Affair fog" is shorthand for a multitude of cognitive and emotional impairments/limitations that prevent the wayward spouse from considering the full ramifications of his affair-- except as to his AP. It is a monocular tunnel vision in which the WS can see, imagine and emotionally connect to one, and only one, individual: his AP. The AP is all he cares about.

 

It's love, infatuation, sexual heat all rolled into one and then magnified by the secrecy and duplicity inherent to affairs. In the thickest part of the fog, the conscience goes on holiday, the sexual juices overflow and the APs define and boundary each other's lives. One's marriage becomes light, ethereal and insubstantial while the affair, like some relationship "black hole," consumes all the WP's energy, eros, commitment and focus.

 

The fog is thickest pre-discovery and early in the affair. The ugly consequences of discovery have not yet intruded and the APs can enjoy, without intrusion, sharing time together in the metaphoric affair "bubble".

 

This bubble, however, almost always bursts and the fog, over time, dissipates. By then, it's often too late to save the marriage and family.

 

I agree with this, or maybe so much damage has been done by the WS and its is impossible to go back and face the aftermath. I'm talking after exposure, the lies, the mean $hit said and done, the neglecting of kids, family and duty all for selfishness, and the lust to stay in the "fog" and live for their AP.

 

And I guess pride doesn't hurt the cause either, or the fear that by going back once out the fog, a fear of "doing it again", since I imagine most WS don't really know why or what they are doing in the fog, or what got them their in the first place

[Spark1111]

When I talk about "affair fog" in reference to a WS, what I am referring to is their complete inability to reason or perceive consequences, see the "big picture, or basically understand anything outside of their focus on the affair partner.

 

Great description Owl! I am looking at a man I have shared a lifetime with, and after DDAY, I did not recognize him. He seemed like a child who got caught with his hand in a cookie jar and could not fathom what all the fuss was about!

 

My wife was involved in an EA. Just prior to d-day, her and OM had an IM conversation where he asked what she thought would happen when 'the truth came out'.

 

She told him that her kids would understand. They'd be upset for a while, but they were smart and would bounce back. She figured I'd be hurt, but would work through it, and we'd all end up being close friends and something of an extended family.

 

My children too were furious and devastated. My daughter's told him, "You are exactly the type of man you warned us never to date!" Ouch! He thought it was a "set up" on my part. Huh?????

 

Y'all can guess how I took the news...LOL.

 

My husband had convinced himself and his OW that I no longer loved him and wouldn't mind if I knew. As soon as he could reach his financial goals, they would be together. I was working two and three jobs at the time. He kept telling me "Everyone has 'their' price," as if I could be bought off so he could leave me guilt-free. I told him go now! I don't want your money, never did.

 

But the longer the affair was over, the more her cognitive skills returned.

 

I saw this too! And I told him how great it was to have him back!

 

That's my take on it. Basically it means that they're unable to see the world in the same way everyone else does, because of their involvement in the affair.

 

Absolutely true!

[Spark1111]

 

The conversation was very calm and after a few minutes of silence my husband suddenly looked at me and said, 'my god, I can see everything so clearly. What the h*ll was I thinking. I love you.'

 

We too had a moment like this, pre-discovery. I now believe he was in too deep and did not no how to extricate himself, or was unsure if he really wanted to yet.

 

 

It was like he stepped out of this false persona he had been 'wearing' for the previous several months and back into his old self. I'll never forget it.

 

Yes, we had the false personna too. We chalked it up to job stress. We (me) was a very trusting and naive woman at the time.

 

 

As I was typing this, I realized d-day was 18 months ago TODAY for me. Weird.

 

You're almost there. Hang on!

[Spark1111]

"Affair fog" is shorthand for a multitude of cognitive and emotional impairments/limitations that prevent the wayward spouse from considering the full ramifications of his affair-- except as to his AP. It is a monocular tunnel vision in which the WS can see, imagine and emotionally connect to one, and only one, individual: his AP. The AP is all he cares about.

 

It's love, infatuation, sexual heat all rolled into one and then magnified by the secrecy and duplicity inherent to affairs. In the thickest part of the fog, the conscience goes on holiday, the sexual juices overflow and the APs define and boundary each other's lives. One's marriage becomes light, ethereal and insubstantial while the affair, like some relationship "black hole," consumes all the WP's energy, eros, commitment and focus.

 

The fog is thickest pre-discovery and early in the affair. The ugly consequences of discovery have not yet intruded and the APs can enjoy, without intrusion, sharing time together in the metaphoric affair "bubble".

 

This bubble, however, almost always bursts and the fog, over time, dissipates. By then, it's often too late to save the marriage and family.

 

Grogster, as always, thanks for your honesty!

 

You seem to always portray your affair (NOW) as dogs in heat: lots of sexual intensity and no conscience thought of consequences.

 

There is tons written on the addicting effect of dopamine and vasopresson replacement...ahh, but I'm sure you've already read lots on it!

[Spark1111]

I may be thread jacking, but not sure...if I am let me know and I'll devise a separate thread.

 

I've not been a WS so I don't know what 'fog' is firsthand. If it's supposed to be strongest pre DDay and at the beginning, what is the lure of the affair after at least 1 DDay and once the A is beyond it's honeymoon stage? The fog is gone and there's been a DDay so all that can be lost is front and center...if the fog is to blame for the high level of emotions pre DDay then what maintains it?

 

Well, back in the day I did ask that question. I was approaching the affair with a rational thought process and hadn't really done enough reading on it.

 

But, good 'ole 2sure, both a BS and OW, pointed out to me that the WS often just wants "to preserve" the affair and its feel-good feelings.

 

He/She wants to go home and make it right with the spouse and then pick up again with the AP when the dust has settled. They still want both and will lie to all to acheive it.

 

However, like Owl, I have a background that wouldn't allow me to be deceived AGAIN! So, whenever I found his continued contact with his OW, it galvanized me even more to walk away, and I told him so. Buh-bye.

 

Which would start the whole cycle for him, again.

 

But I do not want to presume what is happening in your situation.

 

For me, 2sure's advice rang true. And I do believe he thought that is exactly what would happen, because he wanted it to. He never took into account my feelings and what I would want. Amazing, no? To have such tunnel vision and self-focus?

[MizFit]

Well, back in the day I did ask that question. I was approaching the affair with a rational thought process and hadn't really done enough reading on it.

 

But, good 'ole 2sure, both a BS and OW, pointed out to me that the WS often just wants "to preserve" the affair and its feel-good feelings.

 

He/She wants to go home and make it right with the spouse and then pick up again with the AP when the dust has settled. They still want both and will lie to all to acheive it.

 

However, like Owl, I have a background that wouldn't allow me to be deceived AGAIN! So, whenever I found his continued contact with his OW, it galvanized me even more to walk away, and I told him so. Buh-bye.

 

Which would start the whole cycle for him, again.

 

But I do not want to presume what is happening in your situation.

 

For me, 2sure's advice rang true. And I do believe he thought that is exactly what would happen, because he wanted it to. He never took into account my feelings and what I would want. Amazing, no? To have such tunnel vision and self-focus?

 

Amazing, absolutely! My MM won't leave the marriage, but he seems intent on pushing it to the point she makes the decision for him. I truly believe his feelings for me are as strong as mine for him...I don't believe it is only 'fog'...if it were I believe that in the 3 Ddays that have come before he'd have decided to call it quits. I keep asking him what he's doing and he looks at me and honestly says he doesn't have a clue.

 

I believe in the concept of the fog, but having never experienced it personally (as a BS because I didn't stick around long enough or a WS because I've never been one) I can only liken it to the honeymoon period, which we all know wears off. I can only imagine that instead of time being what ends the honeymoon period, it's the event of Dday that sorts the fog.

 

Really interesting and enlightening and thought provoking thread. Thanks everyone and hope I didn't misunderstand or go off on too much of a tangent.

[Snowflower]

 

He was a total depressed mess when down, and an arrogant egotistical jerk when not. The "jerk" always reappeared after he had seen or spoken to his OW.

 

Oh yes, BTDT. I didn't understand it at the time, of course because I was the naive, trusting wife. But, we would have a good discussion, the two of us, about the perceived problems in our marriage (this was before d-day). I would then think everything was going to be okay...then bam, the next day he would text/talk to his OW and then the jerk would reappear.

 

He texted me and then texted her, trying to see what his best option would be.

 

Insulting, isn't it? Yes, my H freely admitted that he was getting two different opinions about what to do. One from me (save our marriage) and a very different one from the OW.

 

It will always bother me a bit that someone else was having so much influence on my life, without my knowledge or consent.

 

Ever since we reconciled, my H has insisted that he truly never wanted to leave. I'm not sure.

 

But, maybe I shouldn't focus on what happened 18 months ago either...*shrug*

[anne1707]

When I look back at what I was like when I was in the fog, I am appalled at the levels of selfishness and thoughtlessness I demonstrated. Owl's post pretty much summarises what the fog is like. I really could not fully think through what I was doing or what the consequences were (very much head in the sand) but whatever I did was usually done to protect me regardless of who got hurt on the way. It was all done to maintain the status quo but in the end all those involved were unhappy. My H was not getting all of me, the ex-OM was not and I ended up holding part of me back from both of them whilst I "juggled" my life.

 

Even after Dday, it took a while for the fog to clear. But when it did, I felt so relieved to be out of that mess and to be the person I once was before it all started. It's good to have a clear head.

 

Biggest problem about the fog: You don't know you're in it at the time. You only realise you were in it once you are out and seeing light again.

[Spark1111]

I don't discount this view of As.

 

But I can't see how someone in love with another outside of their M and (foolishly) involved with them would behave any differently.

 

Both love and fog would make someone behave like this. Are they not one and the same thing?

 

No, I do not think so. Love should not hurt so many people. Lovers would recognize that continuing would have consequences of pain. We could have separated, I told him, and as much as that would have hurt, today I would respect you so much more.

 

It's the lying and sneaking around that so bespeaks fog; an otherwise honorable person acting in such a dishonest way, blind to the consequences.

 

A love is perhaps not sensible, so when they 'come out of the fog' they are learning to favour other paths more than love.

 

But, if given a chance to be with 'their love' and choose not to? What is that? Do you think I would settle to be anyone's default choice? No way! And I am saddened that so many OW/OM believe the stories told about us during the affair. If they were true, why is he still here?

 

I also believe that after DDay some WSs recognise they have been behaving miserably to their LT partner, that they owe them more. And in some circumstances that they are still in love with their BS, and the choice is easy (Snowflower's situation I suspect).

 

I think there are degrees of strength in A love and in M love which dictate how smooth the ride may be for reconciling couples. Strong M love even if complacency has set in beats even strong new (A) love, like paper beats stone. Strong A love sometimes beats weak M love like scissors beat paper.

 

So, I suppose I am saying that while I don't believe in the idea of fog, I think there can be a number of things APs need to consider in the face of their love, which is unwelcome in areas of their lives for them and for others. Not least their attachment (in whatever form it takes) to their BS.

 

In the A they are hiding from this to a degree. It may seem to BSs when they stop hiding they come out of a fog. But I think they are just making choices about life and love(s) at that moment, or across time.

 

My fWS was a shadow of himself after DDay; confused, depressed, and pathetic in the ways he was stunned that we were all in pain and devastated. What did he expect? Why did he never expect it? He's a smart man. Why did he never consider the consequences of his actions? Because he believed his OWN lies. That's fog.

 

And Spark, I could read your story a million times, and I would still take my hat off to you every time. I really wonder what I would have done if faced a BS who acted like you after DDay.

 

Hey, I'm still standing tall, but thank you nonetheless.

[reboot]

I don't believe it is only 'fog'

 

Just because someone is in an 'affair fog' doesn't automatically mean their feelings are not real. It might cloud their judgment and lead them to incorrect decisions, but it doesn't necessarily make what they are feeling false.

[Snowflower]

Amazing, absolutely! My MM won't leave the marriage, but he seems intent on pushing it to the point she makes the decision for him. I truly believe his feelings for me are as strong as mine for him...I don't believe it is only 'fog'...if it were I believe that in the 3 Ddays that have come before he'd have decided to call it quits. I keep asking him what he's doing and he looks at me and honestly says he doesn't have a clue.

 

 

This doesn't speak well for your MM. Why can't he make a decision for him? Why does he place the ending of the marriage on his wife's shoulders?

 

So he can avoid making a decision?

So he can look like the good guy to his friends and family? (people usually figure out the 'truth' on their own anyway--he won't be fooling anyone)

So he can be passive and avoid conflict with his wife/friends/family, etc?

 

He is making life-altering decisions for him, his wife, his children, FOR YOU and he doesn't have a clue? How sad.

Edited May 24, 2010 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

I agree with this, or maybe so much damage has been done by the WS and its is impossible to go back and face the aftermath. I'm talking after exposure, the lies, the mean $hit said and done, the neglecting of kids, family and duty all for selfishness, and the lust to stay in the "fog" and live for their AP.

 

And I guess pride doesn't hurt the cause either, or the fear that by going back once out the fog, a fear of "doing it again", since I imagine most WS don't really know why or what they are doing in the fog, or what got them their in the first place

 

He talks about his depression and how he felt worthless, unloved and unappreciated.

 

He talks of how he felt intensely validated and flattered by her.

 

He talks of.....himself, but do you see me here? No, because he did not see ME; my thoughts, my feelings, my perceptions of our life together.

 

When he finally emerged from the fog, he was devastated by his deceptive actions! He did not recognize HIMSELF during the affair! His self-delusional justifications came back to haunt him. Why? He couldn't find one person, including himself, to justify whatever he had been complaining he'd been missing.

 

Except his OW, who truly did not know me from Adam; only what she had been told...by him.

 

You know what he did whenever I asked him to tell about his love or feelings for her, and why wouldn't you tell me? He'd run away. Just leave. Could not speak of anything. Really, really sad.

[Spark1111]

Amazing, absolutely! My MM won't leave the marriage, but he seems intent on pushing it to the point she makes the decision for him. I truly believe his feelings for me are as strong as mine for him...I don't believe it is only 'fog'...if it were I believe that in the 3 Ddays that have come before he'd have decided to call it quits. I keep asking him what he's doing and he looks at me and honestly says he doesn't have a clue.

 

I believe in the concept of the fog, but having never experienced it personally (as a BS because I didn't stick around long enough or a WS because I've never been one) I can only liken it to the honeymoon period, which we all know wears off. I can only imagine that instead of time being what ends the honeymoon period, it's the event of Dday that sorts the fog.

 

Really interesting and enlightening and thought provoking thread. Thanks everyone and hope I didn't misunderstand or go off on too much of a tangent.

 

Yes, I believe my fWS was hoping for the same. I did make the decision for him, and at that point, he did a complete reversal. He was crying at her kitchen table about me! My heart broke for her!

 

This is why NC is espoused, for not only the BS, but the OW too; as a form of protection against being used as anyone's default choice. Unless you are okay with it.

[MizFit]

This doesn't speak well for your MM. Why can't he make a decision for him? Why does he place the ending of the marriage on his wife's shoulders?

 

So he can avoid making a decision?

So he can look like the good guy to his friends and family? (people usually figure out the 'truth' on their own anyway--he won't be fooling anyone)

So he can be passive and avoid conflict with his wife/friends/family, etc?

 

He is making life-altering decisions for him, his wife, his children, FOR YOU and he doesn't have a clue? How sad.

 

There are several things, but the biggest is an adult child with special needs. He is torn to shreds about not being in her life...the other is that he truly loves his wife. They've been married over 30 years and have had a very happy, complacent marriage and he has told me from day 1 he is going nowhere willingly. That is why I have a full life and he has his marriage. I may grow tired of being the OW...there may be another Dday and he ends it...there may be another Dday and he ends it with me.

 

Yup...I agree with you...how sad. I don't feel badly for me...I know the truth of what he's doing. I know the state of the marriage because we have a few common friends and because his W and I have had a few conversations in the Ddays and because he is not making empty promises to me.

 

As I keep telling him...I couldn't do it. I wouldn't settle. Don't come back and tell me I am...I'm not. I have a very lively social life and once it becomes bigger than MM he won't have a role to play anymore.

[Snowflower]

Mizfit, Thank you for answering. Good luck!

[MizFit]

Yes, I believe my fWS was hoping for the same. I did make the decision for him, and at that point, he did a complete reversal. He was crying at her kitchen table about me! My heart broke for her!

 

This is why NC is espoused, for not only the BS, but the OW too; as a form of protection against being used as anyone's default choice. Unless you are okay with it.

 

I think that NC is absolutely correct in some circumstances, but not in every one. I don't look at myself as a default choice, because I know I will never be a choice...he doesn't want to leave his home because of all sorts of reasons, but the thing is he never has told me he was leaving or made it into a competition. He wanted part of me, I wanted part of him...would I take all of him-absolutely. At the moment I have part and until that's not enough or until someone else comes along it's what I'll take.

 

I find your empathy for the OW amazing. I knew the woman my xH had an A with and I truly didn't like her, but I hadn't for many years. I remember going to my mother in law and various other family members and telling them to give her a chance...to remember it was their son, brother, uncle who had cheated on me, not his OW. It never dawned on me until I joined this forum that anyone would blame an OW/OM...yes, I can be a simpleton!

[MizFit]

Mizfit, Thank you for answering. Good luck!

 

Thanks for that...in all honesty I need more luck for the date I'm going on Saturday night...he's gorgeous and so far I've managed to buffalo him that I'm highly sophisticated and elegant! Oh well...now for a real date and the truth to come out! xx