Vcker Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I am at the end of my rope and i dont know what to do. this is kind of long but i need some unbiased opinions on what to do. I am head over heals in love with my boyfriend. I have been through some bad relationships and then i found him. He has made me happy everyday for the past 3 years until this past week. He travels for work and has since we started dating. Which has been sooooo hard but you do what you have to do in order to be with the one you love...right?? I have been 100% faithful to him, and he has to, so i thought. last week i couldnt find my phone so i picked up his to try calling mine. When i did there were messages from an unprogrammed number, but i knew right away from the messages that it was another female. I skimmed through and read a couple which said that she had fun and she really enjoyed the hugging and being around each other. he proceeded to tell her that he liked her. I confronted him with this and he really didnt have much to say except i screwed up. when i finally got him to open up and tell me what happened he told me that she was on a truck forum saying that she was having problems and so he gave her the information for his mechanic. apparently after that they started talking more until it eventually led to dinner while i was at work. i asked if they had kissed and he said there was nothing physical besides the hugging and that he had no intentions on cheating on me he just wanted to meet her. Oh and he also failed to mention to her that he had a girlfriend. so i told him that i was tired of playing games and that he needed to figure out what he wanted. there was really no emotion from him but he said that he wanted to be with me and he deleted her number. and everything was fine we have had an amazing past couple of days...until....today. He left and went to do some side work and i decided i would clean and make the house look nice for when he got home so he could relax. when i got to the coffee table there were several receipts and i wanted to separate them for him so he could keep track for his taxes. when i separated them i saw that a couple of them were from our town a day before i thought he got home. as far as i understood he came home on the 11th around 1. well the receipt to the gas station to purchase a 12 pack informed me that it was actually around 10 the night of the 10th. so i drove to his work and confronted him again and again he was kind of speechless. he told me that when he travels he shares a hotel with the other guys he working with and when he comes home i am here. he wanted a night to himself. ok fine...just tell me that and i will go stay at my sisters. just be honest. i then asked what the problem was and he said he was getting bored and that he wished i would go out with my friends and just spend time apart. (i thought him traveling so much would be enough..silly me) he told me he loved me and wants to be with me. i just want him to be honest and tell me when there is a problem so we can try and fix it. i really dont know what to do, my brain is telling me to leave and move on but my gut is telling me that hes telling the truth. i really want this to work but i need more from him. we have lost our spark and we need help getting it back. Any suggestions?? Keep in mind he is 29 and i am almost 25 and he is terrified of committment. im hoping he is just at an age in his life that he wants to know if he can still be attractive to other girls but i need to know that i can trust him and right now i cant.
Cealabeala Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I'm so sorry, how awful for you... My unbiased opinion is that you should move on. An emotional affair is worse, in my opinion, than a meaningless one night stand. And the fact that he feels the need to spend time away from you and lie to you like that is a very bad sign. Also, he is capable of lying and keeping things from you, so how do you know the affair was not physical and that he was alone that night?
jonjon Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I'm so sorry, how awful for you... My unbiased opinion is that you should move on. An emotional affair is worse, in my opinion, than a meaningless one night stand. And the fact that he feels the need to spend time away from you and lie to you like that is a very bad sign. Also, he is capable of lying and keeping things from you, so how do you know the affair was not physical and that he was alone that night? You are 100% correct. The emotional affairs are worse even if there is no physical contact. It creates a dependence and need to have that person in your life and not even be with them. I am in that situation as we speak. Don't let it hamper you, you are better than that!!!
stace79 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I would drop him like a hot potato. Just my opinion. He's showing a pattern of lying, which is rooted in disrespect.
2sure Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 ... he told me that when he travels he shares a hotel with the other guys he working with and when he comes home i am here. he wanted a night to himself. ok fine...just tell me that and i will go stay at my sisters. just be honest. i then asked what the problem was and he said he was getting bored and that he wished i would go out with my friends and just spend time apart. Classic. He betrayed your relationship, lied to you, cheated on you in some way and NOW... Its your fault.
Reality Drip Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 You can't just assume that he's telling you the complete truth about how far he's gone with this other girl. He could have deleted texts or messages in general that reveal some deeply hidden lies. Give him space. Get away for a while, rediscover yourself. You can love him all you want but you can't will your love onto him making him be as loyal or committed as you. Take a few weeks off and see if he chases you; he's obviously conflicted right now and even though leaving would hurt you have to make decisive moves. -Max
You Go Girl Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 You can't just assume that he's telling you the complete truth about how far he's gone with this other girl. He could have deleted texts or messages in general that reveal some deeply hidden lies. Give him space. Get away for a while, rediscover yourself. You can love him all you want but you can't will your love onto him making him be as loyal or committed as you. Take a few weeks off and see if he chases you; he's obviously conflicted right now and even though leaving would hurt you have to make decisive moves. -Max Excellent advice. If you don't chase him, and he doesn't chase you--then he's already gone. A night in a hotel by himself? Hmm...sorry, that looks REALLY BAD.
hopesndreams Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 so i told him that i was tired of playing games and that he needed to figure out what he wanted. You need to figure out what YOU want. If you want a man that goes behind your back, meeting up with other women for dinner and "hugs", that is entirely up to you. He has already proven what a skilled liar he is, so, it's up to you if you want to be with him or not. he is terrified of committment. Well, there ya go. 3 years invested. Be thankful it hasn't been more.
Woman In Blue Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 May I assume he's an OTR trucker since he claims he met this woman on a trucker forum? That would also account for his being away from home a good portion of the time. In either event, I don't believe his cock and bull story about giving this gal his mechanic's name and then everything just magically somehow happened and they met. Please. He's got the opportunity to sleaze it up out on the road, and that's what he's been doing - regardless of where he meets his female "friends." Clearly, he's not vested in this relationship nearly as much as you are. The person who loves the most has the least power - and that would be YOU, unfortunately. He's "bored," he's been seeking out other women, he clearly doesn't respect your relationship, he wants to see less of you, and he's a commitment-phobe. What a recipe for a crappy boyfriend. Let him go. Next time, aim higher.
jadepeony Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 The second you mentioned that he is afraid of commitment brings up a red flag. It sounds like he still wants to date around more to see what else is out there. To me, it seems contradictory for him to say that "he loves you wants to be with you", but also finds himself getting bored in the relationship. If you're really the girl he wants to be with, commitment won't be a problem and he wouldn't find the need for female attention elsewhere.
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