reservoirdog1 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 That was mean, you should not have said that. Not only are you not being truthful you are leaving it open-ended for him. It leaves him with hope. I didn't see it as "mean" at all. If I got something like that, I'd conclude on my own that the girl wasn't interested, because if she WAS interested or felt there was chemistry, she'd stick it out longer -- dating vs. looking-for-a-relationship be damned. Those who say they aren't looking for anything serious can change their minds pretty quickly if they meet somebody who gives them "warm tinglies". IMHO, it would've been a bit better to have said that you just don't feel there's a spark between the two of you; that puts the blame not on him, but on the interaction. A spark's either there, or it isn't. Nobody's fault -- it is what it is. But, unless he's a bit thick (or kind of pathetic), he'll get the message and move on. And if he responds in a pissy way, then you're best rid of him anyway.
Twenty-ten Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I didn't see it as "mean" at all. If I got something like that, I'd conclude on my own that the girl wasn't interested, because if she WAS interested or felt there was chemistry, she'd stick it out longer -- dating vs. looking-for-a-relationship be damned. Those who say they aren't looking for anything serious can change their minds pretty quickly if they meet somebody who gives them "warm tinglies". IMHO, it would've been a bit better to have said that you just don't feel there's a spark between the two of you; that puts the blame not on him, but on the interaction. A spark's either there, or it isn't. Nobody's fault -- it is what it is. Trust me when I tell you, that not all men are as quick to "clue" in as you are. I speak from experience, lots of it. To the point where honesty has become my ONLY way when it comes to letting down guys because using a fake but open-ended reason ALWAYS seems to leave hope for some men. Given what the OP described about how into her he was he strikes me as the TYPICAL type of male who would insist on finding a solution to the reasons she gave for not seeing him again. He will make concessions thinking he can get her to agree to see him again and it becomes a royal pain in the ass to have to explain to the guy without hurting him you are simply NOT THAT INTO HIM. so when I say it is mean, I now realize that for some it means having that little window of hope is not healthy. Rather deliver a more direct, yet tougher message to deliver than have him think he cane re-arrange himself for another chance.
Mary3 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 This is what I say : " I did not really feel a connection. I wish you the best of luck in your dating adventures. No friendship promised. No connection . How many guys will persue after hearing this ? One guy told me just tell me ! So I did....
Sazerac Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 All you can do is let him down, straight out, the way that you did. Whatever reaction he is going to have is out of your control, and is not your fault. I know most of us hate to hurt others feelings, but one does no good cutting off a dog's tail an inch at a time. Cut him loose, and move on.
Author Arasae Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 Well, I did it last week. His e-mail was surprisingly brief, only a few paragraphs, but he basically said that he was expecting it and that he hadn't realized I wasn't looking to settle down. Then he went on to say that I put too much stock in what people say, which would eventually irritate him had we continued dating. Which was fine--I like to believe (i.e. delude myself) that people say what they mean, and mean what they say, so whatever. THEN he sent me another e-mail saying, "Oh, that was so harsh, I didn't mean to be nasty to you." (I wasn't aware that it was mean) and then went on to patronize me, saying, "but you're very pretty, I hope that's a consolation." So... yeah. It was over quick, like a bandaid, but he managed to be an ass about things. Oh well. It's never a clean break, even after one friggin' date!
Cracker Jack Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Well, at least you're done with the situation now. I'm sure you feel good about that.
ADF Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 I honestly believe that most people who say they want to "let someone down gently" are really more concerned about themselves than the other person. It isn't so much that they mind the other person getting hurt. They just want to save themselves the trouble of dealing with a bad reaction. There is no painless way to reject someone. Just be honest, don't give him false hope, and don't waste his time.
sagetalk Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 This is why I HATE dating! If I'm not interested in a guy, I get shoved up onto this pedestal and it's awful to have to hop down, dust myself off, and say "bye", and I don't like letting people down. Necessary, but.. it sucks. I believe it is more accurate to say, "Because I was placed on a pedestal, I'm not interested in the guy". The guy just didn't know what he was doing, give him a break.
Author Arasae Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 Not only that, but it would help me tremendously if she told me what it is about me that she doesn't like so that I at least have an idea of what to work on for the next girl in line. I know it's hard to be honest but consider this quote: This statement makes me a little nervous for you, Gazeatyou; often times, I find it's just a clash in personality traits more than stuff you need to work. If someone's neediness/clinging behavior/nose picking is the reason you don't want to go on another date, sure, that might be something to let them know, but if it's because, like in my example, he is the type who needs action and proof whereas I'm more likely to take someone word, well.. that's just who we are. NEVER change who you are intrinsically for someone else. I don't know if that's what you meant, but for me and my dates, it's usually more of personality differences than stuff that should be addressed.
Author Arasae Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 I don't like that phrase, because that phrase implies that I don't have to change who I am, and you have to like it. Know why this is bad? it subtly communicates that you as a person is afraid of improving yourself and growing yourself. Because if you weren't, you would welcome the remark. I absolutely disagree with you. I feel that everyone always has stuff they can and should work on--but I think you should work on those things FOR YOURSELF. Not because someone else has a problem with something you do, but because you, yourself, see something you dislike about yourself and want to improve upon it. The problem with what you're suggesting is that EVERYONE has something different to say about how you "should" act. We all have ideas about how people "should" be, and they're all VASTLY different. Some men think women should be seen and not heard (been told that before) while others think you should hold nothing back (I've ALSO been told to talk more). Gee, I can't do both, now can I? There's no way to please everyone, so **** trying to conform to THEIR standards; work on yourself, FOR yourself, set your OWN standards and not because someone else has a different idea about who you should be. You can embrace self improvement and change without "welcoming" remarks that, I've found, undermine your confidence.
Serenitynow Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 THIS is exactly what pisses me off with people. ARE YOU SERIOUS that you have to ask strangers on an internet forumn what to do ? If you arent interested then grow a pair and tell the person PERIOD. Dont go out on dates if you cant handle being honest when theres no spark. Another thing, you say "because of the age difference" Thats such BS like you didnt know the age difference before you went out ? Dam people like you drive me nuts
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