Owl Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Thanks pureinheart for the welcome. Yes, I did wish him well only because it is someone that I had a connection with. I want him to be as happy as he can be related to his situation. I know now that this cannot involve me. I am hoping to be a little better person by morning. HOW do you intend to be "a little better person by morning"? What actions/steps are you taking to become one? And I'd not seen a response...what are you going to DO in order to end the affair and what are you going to actively do to improve your marriage? Personally, I do think that it should start with telling your husband. He's got the right to decide if he wants to continue or end the marriage, based off of your infidelity. Give him that choice. Let him decide on his own if the marriage is worth continuing or not...given this new information. That's my thought. The funny thing is...the very first thing you're going to feel after you tell him is going to be RELIEF. You'll be releived to have that weight off your chest, that the truth is out there.
fooled once Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Couple things.... glad you are trying to own what you did. You willingly went into this, therefore, IMHO, it wasn't manipulation. Was it a mistake? IMHO - hell yes. Most importantly, you need to figure out (1) why you did this (2) what you will do in the future to not let this happen again (3) if you didn't use protection, you owe it to your H to tell him so he can get an STD check up. (4) never once blame him (the OM) for YOUR choices. You did this, you went to see him, you knew upfront there were several other women in his life (wife, mistress, etc). So no shifting blame - you did this. I hope you can get some help to figure out why you tried to throw away your marriage/children/life on some low life cheating scum.
lkjh Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Im sorry but it takes a person with really low confidence to let someone use them this way. He didn't even have to lie to you. The sad part is the fact that he did this over the internet meaning you were looking for any sort of attention you could get. First, stop being nice to the guy. He literally treated you like a side dish and not even the main side dish. Second, you need to tell your H because you two have a lot of work to do Did your affair turn physical?
jj33 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 LKH it did turn physical. Conservative - you have owned it you know you need to do some work. As LKH said you were there looking for attention but now you need to find ways of making sure you raise your standards for yourself. Clearly something is going on in your marriage. That needs to be the first place you look. Whatever is going on, you deserve more than to be treated like that.
lkjh Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Well if it was physical you need to A get tested for std's and B tell your H because he has a right to know. Anyone who says otherwise is just scared of the consequences of their actions and nothing more Please get some therapy to figure out why you would let someone flat out use like this. Im not saying that it was the OM's fault because he came out in the open and told you that you were his 3rd choice
Dexter Morgan Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I do appreciate everyone's thoughtful replies. Have I told my husband? No. Do I plan to? I am not sure yet. well what would be your reasons not to tell? and whatever your answer, don't say that you don't want to hurt him. I know everyone has opinions about this and I am sure the most appropriate thing to do would be to let it all hang out. However, this prospect scares me to death, as I'm sure it would anyone in my position. so you would keep your husband in the dark and, as if cheating on him wasn't bad enough, you'll continue to lie by omission? you had the guts to cheat on him, have the guts to give him information about what he is married to so he can make decisions about his own life....rather than you making the choices for him.
ComputerJock Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 What does your husband think of your trip? What excuse did you give? If OM calls your husband since he knows who you are and where you live and tells your husband he screwed you silly and you are going to leave him, what do you think your husband's reactions is going to be? Do think you cleared all the evidence of your cheating? If someone in the other city saw you two together and tells your husband, he will not be as understanding as you hope. Was this an exit affair, you wanted to leave your husband and was hoping you would get caught as you acted so stupid - hotel credit receipts, phone bills with his number on them, excuses that don't hold up to scrunity, hidden computer files? Do you think your husband is so dense he has no idea what happened? Your living in a fog and when it goes away the reality is you cheated and you will pay a dear price. Tell husband before he finds out, else it's completely different if you caught. Go to sites that are written by betrayed spouses and see the damage you have caused.
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