Conservative Lass Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I am a 41 year old married woman with two children. Six or seven months ago I started chatting online with a man who is also married. We were both honest and up front about our status....and were happy to talk and flirt. We talked every day. Eventually he asked if I could come and see him. I agreed, although I have NEVER done anything like that before. I made all the arrangements and waited as the time got closer. About a month before the trip, he became detached and distant. Obviously I noticed the change and called him out on it. He said nothing was wrong, that he was just tired and busy. A WEEK before my scheduled departure, he said that he had "obligations" to fulfill and that while I was with him, he would not only have to talk to his wife, but be online with another woman for a minimum of two hours per evening! He claimed this was someone he had been seeing for a long time (hence the distance a month prior) and that because he was being completely open and honest with me I should agree to this stipulation. I said no. He then told me I should not come to see him. A few days later he told me that this long time AP was coming to see him.....on the trip I had originally booked! He said she thinks she is the only one and he could not tell her not to come. A few days later, he contacted me and said "you might get your wish to see me, can you change your plans.." apparently they had a fight, and now he did not want to be alone. Stupidly, because I already had tickets, etc, to travel I agreed. The whole time he told me I was a special friend and that he was glad to have me as a confidante.....he has no one else to talk to about his messed up life. So, I meet him, spend a day, he is sweet, romantic, affectionate, etc. Wants me to change my plans to stay one more day. I tell him I will try to delay my return flight the following weekend. I leave. The next day, I receive a text message saying he does not think he can see me the following weekend because "she" wants to see him and he cannot possibly say no because she would get suspicious. They spend the weekend together......I get no email, no texts, nothing. Finally last night he comes on line, is somewhat cold and detached....so I decided I should stop things now. I left an offline message (he left abruptly to go to sleep) saying that I refuse to be a doormat anymore, that I am tired of being the replacement person, etc. I am NOT excusing my personal behavior. I love my family and made a horrible mistake. I plan on working on my relationship and hoping to make a new start. My problem is this OM is very skilled at getting what he wants. He has a way of twisting situations to make it seem like I am wrong or irrational. So for me the best way to go is no contact. I started last night when I told him I wished him well. Any advice how to maintain no contact without going crazy? I did enjoy his company as a friend when "she" wasn't around. Sorry for the rambling first post.....
bentnotbroken Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Back up and read your own post. :(How could you not want to be no contact with a serial cheater? Being second, third or even forth? How's that working for you? You made the decision to get involved, now make one to get uninvolved. I would bet you are fairly intelligent, so you know how to break all contact(email, phone, text). If you don't have the gumption to do it...tell your H, he'll help you out.
Fallen Angel Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I agree with Bent here. You went into the affair knowing exactly what you were getting, if it now turns out that you are not prepared to continue in this way then simply cut it off. You said you enjoyed his company when "she" wasn't around but obviously he has no intention of letting her go for you, so you have to decide if you want to be not only the other woman, but the other other woman. If that is not something you are willing to do, then stop all contact with him. It appears to me that he would be okay with this, as he already has his hands full with not only a wife, but a mistress he is obviously committed to not letting go of. You say that you like him and enjoy his company but you do not state that you are in love or are incapable of cutting ties. I would suggest you think about what you have to lose if you chose to continue in this relationship. Are you honestly willing to risk your marriage, your home, your children's respect for a man you do not love, and who obviously does not love you? Would what you feel you gain from the relationship be worth the loss you will surely suffer when the affair comes to light? (they almost always do)
jthorne Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Three words: Delete Block Ignore If you are blocking emails, ignoring him on IM, deleting texts before they are read, you have no way of hearing his crap, and no need to respond. Ok, I'll add a 4th word: Willpower Have the willpower to not contact him after you don't hear from him because you've done all three of the above. Whoops, got a 5th word: choose If you choose your self respect more than you choose this serial cheater, NC will be easy.
Author Conservative Lass Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Thank you all for your replies.....and of course you are all correct. I need to regain my self respect first and foremost. I feel so stupid and ashamed to have been manipulated. I accept responsibility for my actions, but I should not have let him suck me in with lies and deception. Thanks again.
Fallen Angel Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Thank you all for your replies.....and of course you are all correct. I need to regain my self respect first and foremost. I feel so stupid and ashamed to have been manipulated. I accept responsibility for my actions, but I should not have let him suck me in with lies and deception. Thanks again. How did he manipulate you? he told you prior to your laying down with him that not only was he married but that he was commited to his other Woman as well. In effect he said to you "I want to have sex with you, and I do not want you to ever expect to be a priority to me because there are at LEAST two other people who hold priority in my life." You accepted that when you went to meet up with him anyway, and now you seem angry that you got exactly what he was honestly offering.
Author Conservative Lass Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Yes, Fallen Angel, you are correct. To my knowledge he was always honest with me. Mainly I am angry with myself for getting into all of this.
Owl Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 So this all begs the question about next steps...what ACTIONS are you going to take to end the emotional/physical affair you've started with him, and what ACTIONS are you going to take to rebuild your marriage?
Fallen Angel Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Yes, Fallen Angel, you are correct. To my knowledge he was always honest with me. Mainly I am angry with myself for getting into all of this. Now that, my friend is an honest answer! And one I can respect. Please do not misunderstand my directness with you. I am OW and I am not trying to judge you, but if you want to stop this, the first step is to get honest about it, and blame shifting will not help towards that end. You got into this relationship because YOU WANTED TO. he did not force you. he did not twist your arm, and he did not lie to you. I think what you should work on is figuring out what it is that is missing in your life that you were trying to fill with him... finding what led you there will help stop you from going there again.
Author Conservative Lass Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Fallen Angel, at this point DIRECT is good. I need a good swift slap upside the head! As far as the future is concerned, we live a LONG way apart, so the PA is out of the question. As far as the EA, I have deleted and blocked all methods of contacting him. I am going no contact as of today. I plan to spend more time with my family and work on myself. I also plan to spend less time online to avoid having this happen again. I don't know why I did this, I cannot pinpoint anything specific that is missing in my life, I know there must be and I'll have to spend time figuring that out as well. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders in first, at least acknowledging what I have done, and second, deciding to change it. I hope I have the willpower to follow through.
jj33 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Honey you MUST have the willpower to follow through. This is not a love affair. This is you punishing yourself with a big old heap of humiliaion doled out by some loser on the internet who thinks he is God's gift to women. Hey babe - you come in 3rd in line after my W and OW and when we are together I will neglect you for several hours a night to make them happy BUT ITS OK BECAUSE I AM being honest with you. GO GET COUNSELING NOW. This is a big big wake up call for you. Unless you get off on being humiliated, RUN RUN RUN. We all make all kinds of bad mistakes on the internet. Anyone who says they havent simply hasnt spent much time online (or is seriously too well adjusted:p) But you caught yourself. Every day is a new day and another chance to treat yourself like the princess that you are. Take good care
Fallen Angel Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Might I suggest making a list, two actually. On one side of the paper write down all the things that you stand to lose if you continue in this affair. And please do not think that you will be able to continue in the Emotional Affair *friendship* without crossing the line simply because you are physically unable to consumate it again. If your husband finds out about the affair *even just it's emotional aspects* you will not be able to convince him it was less than what it was. On the second side of the paper write down all that you feel you were getting out of the affair relationship. Did you feel you were getting understanding? write it down. Ego-boosting? write it down. etc. Now compare the two lists. i am sure you will find that the first side far outweighs the second. And the second side is the side you need to discuss with your husband. If you were getting an ego boost for example because your MOM told you that he thought you were beautiful, tell your husband that you very much miss hearing that he thinks you are beautiful and that you need to hear it in order to feel it. A husband that loves you and wants to make it work with you will make sure to meet your needs. But you can not expect him to instinctively know what you need. you must vocalize your needs and allow him the opportunity to meet them. If you are not open with your husband about what you need and instead just sit back and say nothing and get your feelings hurt that he is not living up to your expectations, then you are sabatoging your own marriage. Men want to please the woman they love. They will do most anything you ask if only you will ask, however (and please guys, take this with the man-loving intent with which I say it) men are dumb when it comes to what a woman really wants. Men think that a woman wants a fancy dinner out, when what she really wants is him to go grab some take-out and spend the night cuddled on the couch watching some cheesy chick flick with her. Men think a woman wants expensive perfume, when what she really wants is for him to hire a sitter to take the kids for five hours on her day off so that she can go out to lunch and a movie with the girls. men think a woman wants designer dresses when what she wants is a walk along the beach holding his hand while wearing her favorite comfy pair of jeans and for him to look her in the eyes and honestly tell her he thinks she is the most beautiful woman he knows. Your husband will never understand you, if you keep yourself a secret from him. Open up to him about what you need, what you want, your dreams, your fears, and your passions. i think you will be pleasantly surprised at how he responds. That is just my two cents, and I don't think it is worth even that much. Good luck to you, and good love!
Dexter Morgan Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 So, I meet him, spend a day, he is sweet, romantic, affectionate, etc. well of course he is....he wouldn't get you in the sack if he were mean to you:rolleyes: and just what was your lie to the husband about where you were going? and what husband has a wife that is going on a trip by herself and doesn't question it? or did he? Wants me to change my plans to stay one more day. I tell him I will try to delay my return flight the following weekend. I leave. The next day, I receive a text message saying he does not think he can see me the following weekend because "she" wants to see him and he cannot possibly say no because she would get suspicious. They spend the weekend together......I get no email, no texts, nothing. Finally last night he comes on line, is somewhat cold and detached....so I decided I should stop things now. I left an offline message (he left abruptly to go to sleep) saying that I refuse to be a doormat anymore huh? you go to meet another man and spend a few days with him behind your husband's back....and YOU are a doormat? that I am tired of being the replacement person, etc. you are cheating on your husband....claiming victim status does not look well for you. I am NOT excusing my personal behavior. I love my family and made a horrible mistake. it wasn't a mistake. you wanted to do it, so you did. and seems it was only a mistake after you got used by this guy. I plan on working on my relationship and hoping to make a new start. My problem is this OM is very skilled at getting what he wants. He has a way of twisting situations to make it seem like I am wrong or irrational. So for me the best way to go is no contact. I started last night when I told him I wished him well. Any advice how to maintain no contact without going crazy? I did enjoy his company as a friend when "she" wasn't around. Sorry for the rambling first post..... no contact with this other man isn't enough. you need to stay off the computer chatting with other men PERIOD.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Thank you all for your replies.....and of course you are all correct. I need to regain my self respect first and foremost. I feel so stupid and ashamed to have been manipulated. I accept responsibility for my actions, but I should not have let him suck me in with lies and deception. Thanks again. good to hear that you accept responsibility for your actions.....so does this mean you are going to be honest with your husband and come clean with what you did behind his back?
Andy L Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I am a 41 year old married woman with two children. Six or seven months ago I started chatting online with a man who is also married. I agreed, although I have NEVER done anything like that before. I love my family and made a horrible mistake. Ok, dear. But your affair was only emotional or both, including physical.. Do you feel guity about it? Does your hubby know?
dazzle22 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Why did you wish him well??? He is a serial compulsive cheater who deserves to be outed and kicked to the curb. Just realize you got in a fantasy fog, and spend your energy figuring out what was missing in your marriage that made you seek this out, and then work on fixing it.
jj33 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 You maintain NC by blocking his emails. Blocking his IMs and reminding yourself that as much as you enjoyed the attention he is a jerk. He humiliated you and you dont deserve to be treated that way. That is not romantic that is not flattering. You look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you are worth more. You face the shame of having made a bad choice. Someone once told me hat sometimes being ashamed or embarrassed is good for us. It reminds us of our boundaries with respect to our own behavior and the situatoins in which we place ourselves. You use the sadness and the feeling of going crazy to think about what it is that you want in your life because trust me, its not him.
pureinheart Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I am a 41 year old married woman with two children. Six or seven months ago I started chatting online with a man who is also married. We were both honest and up front about our status....and were happy to talk and flirt. We talked every day. Eventually he asked if I could come and see him. I agreed, although I have NEVER done anything like that before. I made all the arrangements and waited as the time got closer. About a month before the trip, he became detached and distant. Obviously I noticed the change and called him out on it. He said nothing was wrong, that he was just tired and busy. A WEEK before my scheduled departure, he said that he had "obligations" to fulfill and that while I was with him, he would not only have to talk to his wife, but be online with another woman for a minimum of two hours per evening! He claimed this was someone he had been seeing for a long time (hence the distance a month prior) and that because he was being completely open and honest with me I should agree to this stipulation. I said no. He then told me I should not come to see him. A few days later he told me that this long time AP was coming to see him.....on the trip I had originally booked! He said she thinks she is the only one and he could not tell her not to come. A few days later, he contacted me and said "you might get your wish to see me, can you change your plans.." apparently they had a fight, and now he did not want to be alone. Stupidly, because I already had tickets, etc, to travel I agreed. The whole time he told me I was a special friend and that he was glad to have me as a confidante.....he has no one else to talk to about his messed up life. So, I meet him, spend a day, he is sweet, romantic, affectionate, etc. Wants me to change my plans to stay one more day. I tell him I will try to delay my return flight the following weekend. I leave. The next day, I receive a text message saying he does not think he can see me the following weekend because "she" wants to see him and he cannot possibly say no because she would get suspicious. They spend the weekend together......I get no email, no texts, nothing. Finally last night he comes on line, is somewhat cold and detached....so I decided I should stop things now. I left an offline message (he left abruptly to go to sleep) saying that I refuse to be a doormat anymore, that I am tired of being the replacement person, etc. I am NOT excusing my personal behavior. I love my family and made a horrible mistake. I plan on working on my relationship and hoping to make a new start. My problem is this OM is very skilled at getting what he wants. He has a way of twisting situations to make it seem like I am wrong or irrational. So for me the best way to go is no contact. I started last night when I told him I wished him well. Any advice how to maintain no contact without going crazy? I did enjoy his company as a friend when "she" wasn't around. Sorry for the rambling first post..... First off, I think what he might be trying to do by the second bold is turn you into a "dumping ground" for his mess. He perceives you as "vulnerable" based on the first bold...this is an extremely arrogant statement that was made by him. Third bold: you bet he's skilled...He is toxic. NC is really hard, although not impossible as it was the only option I had. Please don't beat yourself up as you are not the bad guy, nor the victim...you are simply a person that made a misjudgment which only means you are a part of the human race. I would suggest councelling to explore various possible areas that led you to OM/MM. Please don't beat yourself up.... ((((hugs)))))
Author Conservative Lass Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 I do appreciate everyone's thoughtful replies. Have I told my husband? No. Do I plan to? I am not sure yet. I know everyone has opinions about this and I am sure the most appropriate thing to do would be to let it all hang out. However, this prospect scares me to death, as I'm sure it would anyone in my position. I'm just trying to fit all the pieces together in my head.
pureinheart Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I do appreciate everyone's thoughtful replies. Have I told my husband? No. Do I plan to? I am not sure yet. I know everyone has opinions about this and I am sure the most appropriate thing to do would be to let it all hang out. However, this prospect scares me to death, as I'm sure it would anyone in my position. I'm just trying to fit all the pieces together in my head. DUH...forgot to welcome you....man I spaced out my purse in Walmart last night, then found it (a very nice person found it and turned it in :laugh:) then spaced my coffee cup at the cash register:confused:... Anyway, only you know your sitch...if you are the guilty type like me...I don't do the "poker face" well, then I'd say tell him. If you can move on, put this behind you, then go for that. At one point in my life I thought I had to tell all...a very wise person told me that some things are better left unsaid...it's up to what you think is best...
pureinheart Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Why did you wish him well??? He is a serial compulsive cheater who deserves to be outed and kicked to the curb. Just realize you got in a fantasy fog, and spend your energy figuring out what was missing in your marriage that made you seek this out, and then work on fixing it. Why not wish him well...I find that anger sometimes can only hold a person back. I think it's sad that he is a serial cheater...it's just sad.
Author Conservative Lass Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 Thanks pureinheart for the welcome. Yes, I did wish him well only because it is someone that I had a connection with. I want him to be as happy as he can be related to his situation. I know now that this cannot involve me. I am hoping to be a little better person by morning.
jj33 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Honey he has created the situatoin and he has managed to make you feel really bad in the process. It was big of you to wish him well. Its a nice thing to do. Now take all your energy and put it into making your life a happier place to be
U2RockZz Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 your A has not happened cause of the situation doesn't favored you...not cause you do not want it to happen....if every thing went well as you planned out initially..you would've been cheater by now...... it's really unbelievable for a woman of your age falling for the s*** written over chat screens.....simple solution quit chatting and grow with the age
Fallen Angel Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 your A has not happened cause of the situation doesn't favored you...not cause you do not want it to happen....if every thing went well as you planned out initially..you would've been cheater by now...... it's really unbelievable for a woman of your age falling for the s*** written over chat screens.....simple solution quit chatting and grow with the age Her affair DID happen. She has already been intimate with him if I read her OP correctly.
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