pollyanna22 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Ok really need some honest opinions here. Not sure if you all know my history, as I am still new here. I'm the wife with the man who cheated with about 10 different women in a 5 year span, we've renewed our vows and it's been about 2 years, and we've been pretty happy...we do still fight every so oftern but for the most part we are pretty happy, he tells me this all the time, sex is great, and our values have changed. Here is my dilemma. A month ago or so I found texts from him to a very young girl..like 20, on his phone, she was talking about her breakup, with her Fiance to him and telling him how upset she was, he offerd his help, and that she could stop by his office..(he is her supervisor) anythime if she needed anything, and that he likes blondes..ect. he insists he was just being nice, he felt bad for her...I let it go. he's made other weird comments to friends I did not like as well. Then a friend of ours got in a car accident and he messaged her on Fb to let her know if she needed anything he could stop by and gave her his number....again, just being nice he said , she is our friend. then..the last couple weeks he's been ultra nice to me, wich is not typical for that long..lol we usually have to have one good fight a week, thats just us...then when we were working out last night he took off his ring because it was cutting into him, but forgot to put it back on this mourning, am I like really loosing my mind and over thinking all this or should i be leary...I know the obvious anser would be YES, but given our history, the fact that he would even attempt to almost loose me just astounds me at this point , what do you think? tx
scatterd Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 What does he mean our friend sounds like his friend thats what all cheaters say its my friend.Have you met her do the three of you do things together?Go by your gut my husband asked for a devoice in sept I caught him sneaking down stairs to talk to his friend.Im sorry but if he is run go find a real man that is honest ,sorry your hurting just my opinion big hugs. He might be smarter I cant find proof But I know he has changed and d has done everything such as take 2 showers a day started working out you know.
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Unfortunately I can't go my gut, I don't know what it's saying, and I don't trust it anymore....tx!l
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Ok really need some honest opinions here. Not sure if you all know my history, as I am still new here. I'm the wife with the man who cheated with about 10 different women in a 5 year span, we've renewed our vows and it's been about 2 years, and we've been pretty happy...we do still fight every so oftern but for the most part we are pretty happy, he tells me this all the time, sex is great, and our values have changed. Here is my dilemma. A month ago or so I found texts from him to a very young girl..like 20, on his phone, she was talking about her breakup, with her Fiance to him and telling him how upset she was, he offerd his help, and that she could stop by his office..(he is her supervisor) anythime if she needed anything, and that he likes blondes..ect. he insists he was just being nice, he felt bad for her...I let it go. he's made other weird comments to friends I did not like as well. Then a friend of ours got in a car accident and he messaged her on Fb to let her know if she needed anything he could stop by and gave her his number....again, just being nice he said , she is our friend. then..the last couple weeks he's been ultra nice to me, wich is not typical for that long..lol we usually have to have one good fight a week, thats just us...then when we were working out last night he took off his ring because it was cutting into him, but forgot to put it back on this mourning, am I like really loosing my mind and over thinking all this or should i be leary...I know the obvious anser would be YES, but given our history, the fact that he would even attempt to almost loose me just astounds me at this point , what do you think? tx Your husband is a serial cheater....and that Pollyanna, is a whole different animal! Whether it is because he suffers from a Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome, or whatever his underlying pathology may be, he cannot help himself from rescuing these damsels in distress! Which validates him emotionally, and then, and then.....well it can open the door to a physical attraction and then.... here you go again! Counseling? Both IC and MC? I believe he has headed or is heading underground, and without intensive therapy, his history will repeat itself unfotunately. Remember, YOU could be the most wonderful partner in the world. This has nothing to do with YOU! He needs help. What has he done to ensure he NEVER crosses those emotional and physical fidelity boundaries again.
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 He should not be offering to help all these women with their problems! He should be solely focused on repairing you and your relationship!
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 tx for your response, you are so right about the knight in shining armor thing, the woman he almost left with started with her tears of her cheating fiance...what he's doing? could be more, we do go to therapy, but he's stopped going on his own, he's still in the band, and he's still at the same place of work, I guess I just answered my own question. He says he'd never go through all this again, esp since I cheated on him too and he could'nt take it again, but he lied so well before, I don't want to be fooled again!
Cinnamon2000 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Ok really need some honest opinions here. Not sure if you all know my history, as I am still new here. I'm the wife with the man who cheated with about 10 different women in a 5 year span, we've renewed our vows and it's been about 2 years, and we've been pretty happy...we do still fight every so oftern but for the most part we are pretty happy, he tells me this all the time, sex is great, and our values have changed. Here is my dilemma. A month ago or so I found texts from him to a very young girl..like 20, on his phone, she was talking about her breakup, with her Fiance to him and telling him how upset she was, he offerd his help, and that she could stop by his office..(he is her supervisor) anythime if she needed anything, and that he likes blondes..ect. he insists he was just being nice, he felt bad for her...I let it go. he's made other weird comments to friends I did not like as well. Then a friend of ours got in a car accident and he messaged her on Fb to let her know if she needed anything he could stop by and gave her his number....again, just being nice he said , she is our friend. then..the last couple weeks he's been ultra nice to me, wich is not typical for that long..lol we usually have to have one good fight a week, thats just us...then when we were working out last night he took off his ring because it was cutting into him, but forgot to put it back on this mourning, am I like really loosing my mind and over thinking all this or should i be leary...I know the obvious anser would be YES, but given our history, the fact that he would even attempt to almost loose me just astounds me at this point , what do you think? tx One of the EASIEST way to start an affair is through mentor/mentee or helper/helpee relationship. You clearly didn't learn your lessons after all those affairs and there is no boundaries whatsoever or those are very lacking.
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Let me just be clear, I did'nt learn about each affair (or one night stands) as they came and just kept staying, he told me everything at once, because he wanted to change, I just wanted to make that clear, it may not make sense but it does to me. so I'm trying now to figure out if I'm being played again if so I"d be gone..tx for your post
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Listen, after experiencing an infidelity, if you and your partner really want it to work, there has to be clear expectations of boundaries! We do not continue to "save" these damsels or dumsels in distress, other than to say " I know of a good therapist. Would you like his/her phone number?" We do not have friends of the opposite sex that are not a friend to the spouse. We spend a lot, if not most of our free time together, including recreational activities. We are well-known in our spouse's place of work and visit often to meet all their colleagues. We have free access to email and cell phones and passwords, and are encouraged to freely check our spouse's when feeling insecure or unsure. We speak freely of our attractions to others, and if necessary, devise a plan TOGETHER to stop it. My fWS still attends therapy to discover not only "why" he had his affair, but to learn to never have another one again! Unless he informs me and separates or divorces me first. Get it! It's a lot of work, but it has been so worth it! Why did he stop attending? That's a huge red-flag to me.
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Thank you so much for posting this, These are all things I suggested to him we do, I am having a talk with him tonight, I always thought we should have eachothers passwords, and he did not agree, and neither did our therapist..our therapist thought there still needs to be boundaries with eachtother as well and that people still need their own privacy, and my husband esp needs his space thats just how he is, but I think if he wants me like he says , he is going to change this thinking lol! He t has'nt gone to therapy on his own because we go together and we have a 40 dollar co-pay and it gets really expensive, but maybe we should give up a few couples sessions for him to go alone, he has so many deep routed isues it's so scarey..tx for the post
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Your therapist is an idiot! Find another. You have no right to privacy in a reconciled relationship after infidelity if privacy equals "still able to keep secrets from the spouse I cheated on!" And remember, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing! Ask to see his cell phone, or his emails after telling him he can see your's because you have nothing to hide from him! His response to that question will give you all the info you need. You can also check his browsing history on his computer by going to the temporary internet files. Good luck!
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 tx for the advice, I do chk his phone, and his fb periodically it's the e-mail I have no idea about that worries me, if he has one at work, I guess if he wants to do it he'll find a way no matter what, tx! BTW shoot if he checks my email, he'll see the things I've orderd on line! lol Jk..why I'm finding humor I'll never know!
califnan Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 MM are not supposed to have any personal contact with OW. You can't control what goes on in his office if he is not self employed .. But going to OW's homes is out. If he wants to "help" any OW in her hour of incapacitation .. he must be accompanied by his wife.. (and hopefully it doesn't happen often) ..
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 A month ago or so I found texts from him to a very young girl..like 20, on his phone, she was talking about her breakup, with her Fiance to him and telling him how upset she was, he offerd his help, and that she could stop by his office..(he is her supervisor) anythime if she needed anything, and that he likes blondes..ect. he insists he was just being nice, he felt bad for her...I let it go. He's still having inappropriate 'friendships' with women. Plus, this girl is young and his employee! He's getting too close/too involved in her life, why on earth is she texting him about her personal life, break up etc? He is encouraging it too. He's been a serial cheater for a long time, so you need to watch him closely. This therapist, is it HIS therapist? If so, then that's why she's giving you such bad advice. You need a marriage counsellor who is impartial to each of you and is being paid to bring you two closer, not tear you two apart. HE IS up to no good, you know this! Question is, how bad is it.
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 He says he's sorry and did'nt realize how inappropriate he was being and ended the texts, and said i could look at his phone whenever I wanted, and he would never jeopardize his job or me, but Idk if I buy it!
txsilkysmoothe Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I'm the wife with the man who cheated with about 10 different women in a 5 year span. I let it go. A month ago or so I found texts from him to a very young girl..like 20, on his phone, he offerd his help, and that she could stop by his office..(he is her supervisor) anythime if she needed anything, and that he likes blondes..ect. he insists he was just being nice, he felt bad for her. I let it go. he's made other weird comments to friends I did not like as well. I let it go. Then a friend of ours got in a car accident and he messaged her on Fb to let her know if she needed anything he could stop by and gave her his number....again, just being nice he said. I let it go. he took off his ring because it was cutting into him, but forgot to put it back on this mourning. I let it go. but given our history, the fact that he would even attempt to almost loose me just astounds me at this point , what do you think? tx Ah, just let it go....... Seriously, why would he have any fear of losing you at this point when you always LET IT GO?
Mombot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 What motivated the great big confession about all his affairs?
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 It started, when He told me about the OW he was actually going to leave me for, at the same time I asked if it was the first time, and he said no, that is when he told me about our friend he had an affair with a few years before. Those were people he felt something for anyway. The day he told me about his affair, he was leaving not to go live with her, but he stayed with his mom for a month or so, and we started dating..I know weird, he decided right after he told me he did not want to be with her, but he and I needed time to think. When we got back together we decided to renew our vows, that is when he told me everything, he did not want anymore secrets and he knew it would never be right until he came clean.
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