She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I remember feeling emotionally dead for some years prior to H's affair, I was emotionally detached from everything, my work (high profile job) at the time was all. I just kept thinking what a waste of a previously wonderful, loving marriage, what a waste of all that love that H and I had shared. I had forgotten (so had he) what in love meant, even though I still loved him. Our D Day prompted us to look at what we have and work at not forgetting to make the effort to remind each other that we are in love, it's not too much of an effort, but it could be easy to slip into comfortable, easy. I also remember during the before years us hearing our song on the radio and asking H to dance, I cried and cried because it was a memory of better times and I so wanted those times to be back, but we had drifted into our own worlds and it seemed such a struggle to find it again. I am so very, very pleased to say we have and I think it can be done. If standing on your hands and growing pansies from your bottom works, I would gladly send you the seeds to do so. Give it your absolute best shot, woo her, remember who you were/are and let her see that she is loved, truly, madly, deeply. I am a romantic but a realist, I would not, ever have left H without giving it my best shot. If it doesn't work, then you will have tried. I think sometimes we have an idea of what we would do in a given situation but when it happens all sensible thoughts fly out of the window and we just do what we have to. I so, so hope it all works out, but if she does still leave, then at least you will have tried. I love reading stuff like the above! I believe very strongly that an individual in a marriage of this duration should give it his or her best shot when faced with a spouse who wants to end the marriage... Your spouse probably knows you better than you do. Make sure to be real, honest and true to everyone involved in the situation, and just lay it all out on the line...
Scrybe Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Hey! I'm a man and I don't think negative thoughts 9 times out of 10! I agree that based on what the OP said there is no reason to think she has cheated. But I also agree with other posters that it's likely that she's at least thinking about someone else at this point. Some of the things she said ARE pretty typical of someone letting someone else down very gently before moving on. But it's a feeling not a fact and people shouldn't make judgements solely on feelings. I also agree with you about people assuming things can wait. I turned 36 this year. A classmate of mine I've known since highschool is dying. 6 months ago she was fine. Now she's lying in a hospital bed waiting to leave this world and in great pain. She's far away and has no one. No family or friends who can be there with her. I'll not put anything off. Tomorrow is NOT promised to us. I always love it when people make the assumption things can wait. The trouble is, people always think they have time. EDIT: No, I don't think it's so much a thread-jack as more insight. we're not off topic as such.
Author alsek Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Hi Folks: Thanks to all for your efforts. A lot of this is hitting home and I can see some possibilities which I need to explore. I have a couple more facts that I think may be worth stirring into this broth. My gal has said that she dosen't see any reason to tell family about her move. In fact her communications plan for the community (very small) is to simply say that the move works out well because I am doing major renovations to our Home? Then she said that she would probably keep her home style routine and have her suppers Here.. (which I have cooked for decades) At least it sounds like she likes my food. I said to her "So what about Sex, can we still have sex?" and her response was "Well I can do this, but its not something I need or want " OK a bit gushy here, but I think contributors should know that I have ALWAYS brought my wife to Orgasm...no ifs or buts and there have been many occassions where my own gratification has not been met. Never the less I was and am OK with this. I guess I am way too logical and am missing something becuase I just can't fathom what the real intentions are. I tell her that I am willing to make personal and logistical changes and her response is that I don't need to, and that she loves me for Who I Am ! Maybe I should be more dependent and even alittle bit demanding towards her ?
hopesndreams Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 She is being very secretive. Maybe OM is married.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Fight or flight. She is another who wants her cake and to eat it too..... MC, IC, a heart to heart after 33 years.... Better late then never.... Where is Lizzie60 to lay it on the line..... I have no answer or wisdom to impart. These are the posts I read and then wonder when I will be blindsided myself.....
Author alsek Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Toodamnpragmatic: Love your handle, ironically, it describes me and my woes to a tee. If I were on the stupid side, but funny, I probably wouldn't be having these problems this late in life !!
seren Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Seren - Wait...so did you and your H stay together? Yes Scrybe, we are together, we are 2 and a half years on from D Day and we love, truly, madly deeply. I am now medically retired, first time I haven't worked since I was 14, I am a full time stay home person, but starting my own business. H loves me being home. I am now 53. We laugh, lots and we dance, lots. H says that while he always loved me, he took me for granted, he forgot who I was other than his wife. I suppose I became a much loved pair of slippers when in actual fact I am sparkly stilletoes!! As our M struggled, he distanced himself from us and I shut myself in a box waiting for him to remember and basically gave up trying to fix us. One of the things I did was simple, but was to move HIS chair so that we could sit together on the sofa. We snuggle every night on the sofa, it is easier for him to stroke my hair, for us to hug and it reinforces the tactile (not sexual) side of love (if that makes any sense). I have always loved him, he has always loved me and I cannot imagine being with anyone else. At times he annoys the hell out of me and I him, but that's M for you. He knows how badly he hurt me with the A, but I understand why I love him not because of, but despite it. Emotional detachment in a M happens slowly, it doesn't just happen, fixing it also takes time, breaking old habits takes time, but it can be done.
seren Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 (edited) Hi Folks: Thanks to all for your efforts. A lot of this is hitting home and I can see some possibilities which I need to explore. I have a couple more facts that I think may be worth stirring into this broth. My gal has said that she dosen't see any reason to tell family about her move. In fact her communications plan for the community (very small) is to simply say that the move works out well because I am doing major renovations to our Home? Then she said that she would probably keep her home style routine and have her suppers Here.. (which I have cooked for decades) At least it sounds like she likes my food. I said to her "So what about Sex, can we still have sex?" and her response was "Well I can do this, but its not something I need or want " OK a bit gushy here, but I think contributors should know that I have ALWAYS brought my wife to Orgasm...no ifs or buts and there have been many occassions where my own gratification has not been met. Never the less I was and am OK with this. I guess I am way too logical and am missing something becuase I just can't fathom what the real intentions are. I tell her that I am willing to make personal and logistical changes and her response is that I don't need to, and that she loves me for Who I Am ! Maybe I should be more dependent and even alittle bit demanding towards her ? Maybe you should think with your heart and not your head, maybe you are being a bit too logical, maybe you have both grown into being a marriage instead of being in a relationship. By this I mean grown into the loving, routine type of marriage and your wife wants and needs a more fireworks, marching bands type of relationship and maybe she needs to wake up and smell the coffee and realise that it is hurting you and that it is unreasonable to expect that she can just move out (but not) have a marriage type arrangement (but not) will be OK with you having sex, but can do without it. Hmm, I am sorry but this sounds so dammed selfish it makes me wonder if she sees you as her husband rather than the man she is in love with. Maybe you should just say I am not cooking supper tonight, I am going out. To go along with what she wants suggests that you are comfortable with the arrangement, if so and it works for you then fine. But if not, then IMHO, you should say, no, I don't want a half marriage, I want to be loved, cherished and feel. It may wake her up, it may not, only you know what will work for you. As for orgasms, sorry, but they don't signify love, they signify that you know what floats her boat, and she yours. I couldn't say if there is someone else, you would need to ask her that. Sometimes, marriages just tick along and stagnate, sometimes a looking forwards and seeing the future as the same old is a wake up call to wanting something else. Either way, do you know what you want? seems like you know what your wife will accept, What about you? Edited May 27, 2010 by seren Added sentence for clarity
giotto Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Emotional detachment in a M happens slowly, it doesn't just happen, fixing it also takes time, breaking old habits takes time, but it can be done. sure... I just wonder why it's taken 33 years for alesk's wife to drop the bomb?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Toodamnpragmatic: Love your handle, ironically, it describes me and my woes to a tee. If I were on the stupid side, but funny, I probably wouldn't be having these problems this late in life !! And I am upset. You can not imo let your wife lead you around and hide this. She wrote you a f*#%ing "Dear John" letter. If she is serious about this, you tell her fine, but there will be no covering up or lying for her. You will tell them that she wrote a "Dear John" letter, blind sided you and that you are stunned and shattered by the callousness. She will not be coming home for dinner and an occasional romp, that she is "not in to". Do I have to hear again about another woman who Orgasms 90%+ of the time, but can take it or leave it. Very telling in your one post you commenting that you sacrificed at times your enjoyment for hers in the bedroom.... You you demand counseling immediately and 3-6 months of intense serious talk in these sessions. Doesn't sound like you two have talked much in the last 33 years or as will come out "You haven't listened" as she'll tell you, a woman's catch all when these things happen. I am sure you are not blameless, but what you described, is just wrong. And sorry, quit calling her 'wonderful'.....
giotto Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 well, yes... he might have his faults, but it really is having your cake and eating it...
xxoo Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 . My gal has said that she dosen't see any reason to tell family about her move. In fact her communications plan for the community (very small) is to simply say that the move works out well because I am doing major renovations to our Home? Then she said that she would probably keep her home style routine and have her suppers Here.. (which I have cooked for decades) At least it sounds like she likes my food. I said to her "So what about Sex, can we still have sex?" You aren't considering agreeing to this arrangement, are you? Pretending to be married, to save face for her, while cooking her meals?!?!?! How little respect does she have for you to even suggest such a thing? Why would you want sex with someone who is rejecting you as a partner, all while using you for appearances and convenience? Bottom line: you can only control you. You can't make her stay, but you don't have to accept her part time. In fact, I suspect agreeing to this arrangement is the worst thing you can do if you want her fully. She told you what she wants. Now tell her what you need. Settle for nothing less. If she can't give you what you need, send her on her way. But no cooking her meals and covering up her lies! Be strong, and don't accept disrespect.
TaraMaiden Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 You aren't considering agreeing to this arrangement, are you? Pretending to be married, to save face for her, while cooking her meals?!?!?! How little respect does she have for you to even suggest such a thing? Why would you want sex with someone who is rejecting you as a partner, all while using you for appearances and convenience? Bottom line: you can only control you. You can't make her stay, but you don't have to accept her part time. In fact, I suspect agreeing to this arrangement is the worst thing you can do if you want her fully. She told you what she wants. Now tell her what you need. Settle for nothing less. If she can't give you what you need, send her on her way. But no cooking her meals and covering up her lies! Be strong, and don't accept disrespect. Absolutely 100% agree. With toodamnpragmatic, also. She either wants out - and has to accept that this entails admission and openness, or she doesn't. In which case you BOTH work hard to BOTH rebuild and BOTH make the effort. Otherwise, she can go take a hike. All she's trying to do is save face and keep one foot in the door. This is completely unacceptable. Completely.
Author alsek Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Absolutely 100% agree. With toodamnpragmatic, also. She either wants out - and has to accept that this entails admission and openness, or she doesn't. In which case you BOTH work hard to BOTH rebuild and BOTH make the effort. Otherwise, she can go take a hike. All she's trying to do is save face and keep one foot in the door. This is completely unacceptable. Compley Wow I sure the heck stumbled upon a fantastic site for My First Attemp ! I'm luck struck after all. For some reason I can't POST in this thread so I am using the Quote Button....I did pay this site so..its probably that I am not finding the SUB. sections. Anyway BIG thanks to XXOO TooDamnpragmatic and everyone for the Varied and Honest Posts. I can honestly say that I have been thinking along all of these lines and it was Refreshing to know that these feelings that I have, weren't way way out in Left Field ! Yes I don't want to burn all of my bridges and yes I'm willing to even jump overboard But HEY... What about me?? I wish I had of received this guidence last night...maybe I wouldn't of dropped $150.00 on Flowers, sent out of Provence to where she is visiting. The more I think of the idea of "are you in or Out" the more this makes sense. It should also flush out any extracurricular activities <<<< which I have been told is Nonsense. Things aren't better...but its getting clearer !
rewe4reel Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Alsek, Your wife is absolutely, positively, 110% cheating on you. The sooner you wake up to the fact, the better you can realistically decide what you want/need to do. The first thing you need to do is to hire a private investigator to follow your wife around and get the indisputable proof. Shouldn't take more than a few days for a good PI to catch her red-handed.
xxoo Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Stay strong, alsek. You don't have to be cruel, but be firm. "In or out?" is a great way to approach it with her.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 $150 on flowers to a woman who wrote you a "dear john" letter???!!! You got to be kidding. Please I am curious as to why she is such a "wonderful" person.... I am missing something. Now you may be a callous jerk, wrapped up in your own world all these years, missing all the signs and now claiming you were sucker punched. I have no idea. What I have read though gives me little insight, outside she wants to maintain the pretense of a perfect marriage, while she may or may not entertain some other guy at her new bachelorette pad....
Author alsek Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 TooDamnPragmatic : I just knew I was going to get a sound Tongue Lashing from you ...on the Flowers Deal ! All I know is my head is still spinning and my stomach is in knots....maybe I should be the drinker in the family ! Callous and a Jerk, no I can't say anyone who knew me would describe me as this. Somewhat Intraverted, Intellectual, allways has projects on the go, wants Nothing to do with Fluff, Like Opra or the Degenerate girl BUT Fact no matter what the topic, competative <<<< even with myself, wait just a minute, I guess I am a Jerk ? Oh yes, my wife is Type 1 Insullin dependent Diabetic and I have Literally Saved her Life Twice ....both times, involved being out with friends and drinking....BUT I'm not to be upset or concerned, it was an accident ! Wonderfull, well the wife is a bit of a Sidecar, but she is still attached to My bike. This time she seems to be throwing handfulls of roofing nails at the front tire AND laughing aloud. The Sad thing, is what hurts me will certainly hurt her...especially at this time of our lives !!
Author alsek Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Alsek, Your wife is absolutely, positively, 110% cheating on you. The sooner you wake up to the fact, the better you can realistically decide what you want/need to do. The first thing you need to do is to hire a private investigator to follow your wife around and get the indisputable proof. Shouldn't take more than a few days for a good PI to catch her red-handed The closest private eye is about a thousand miles away...as I reside in Northern Canada....I have thought about Tagging her car with a GPS Tracker....but I would much prefer if she was just honest !
Author alsek Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Well, I just thought of another great issue to be spinning about. Money.... My paycheques get auto-Deposited into her account and Our plastic is actually my plastic. The Wife does work, however my single week NET pay is what she Grosses in a Month. When or should I get after the banks to "Stop the Press" so to speak ?
seren Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I would stop the bank as soon as you have had the talk with W and told her what YOU are prepared to tolerate. If you are living apart and separated then the machine needs to kick in, and, not forgetting that you have been married for 33 yrs, all assets will be under scrutiny in the dividing up of stuff. Your house, savings, stuff, bonds, your cat, dog etc. Ending a long term marriage is not so easy as your wife just moving out and starting a new life - it affects yours too. I just think Alsek that if you want your M, then you have to look at what YOU want from it, what you are prepared to accept, or not. marriages can be saved, but only if you both want to save it. If it is dead in the water, then you need to be looking to protect yourself. It sounds like your wife has been thinking about what works for her - leaving, but not, blowing your world up, but maintaining a surface illusion. No matter what anyone else thinks, only you know your boundaries, your reality and what works for you. If you are to stay, then I would have a think about boundaries (your absolutes) if not, then you need to put a hard head on and begin to look at the future and your new life.
hopesndreams Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I would stop the bank as soon as you have had the talk with W and told her what YOU are prepared to tolerate. If you are living apart and separated then the machine needs to kick in, and, not forgetting that you have been married for 33 yrs, all assets will be under scrutiny in the dividing up of stuff. Your house, savings, stuff, bonds, your cat, dog etc. Ending a long term marriage is not so easy as your wife just moving out and starting a new life - it affects yours too. This is why her plan is a load of old cobblers. She wants to remain friends with you while she rips your heart out and she suffers no consequences. If things go according to her plan, her OM will fall right outta the sky! I don't want to harp on about it but it is so obvious she has her sights on another. Quit the denial. Time to rattle some cages.
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