dlb488546 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I've been in a dedicated relationship with my girlfriend for almost four years now. We're young still but we love each other and get each other in a way we've (she agrees) never felt before with other people. We're both quite introverted and in all honesty don't have a whole lot of other friends we hang out with, so we're by each other's side a lot. We've lived together for over two years and will graduate from college in a year and had planned on going to the same graduate school after we finished undergrad. We've had our share of fights and even a near breakup in our first year, but nothing which deterred us from loving each other so much. We've gotten along amazingly until just recently, she was even hinting pretty heavily that she really wanted to get engaged to me before the end of the year, and now I'm scrambling to hold onto her for dear life. I love everything about her and honestly can't imagine my life without her and even now she says the same about me and really wishes that she wasn't feeling like this. She had never really gotten over her last boyfriend entirely due to the messy breakup (broke up with him for me), but she doesn't want to get back with him either. She liked the idea of him (artistic-very important), but not him... if that makes sense. I'm a very logical thinker with somewhat of a creative side and she's very artistic/creative with a side of logical. Essentially he got back in touch with her last week after his engagement went to hell and she freaked out. She went from wanting to marry me to thinking about our lives later on and envisioning that I couldn't be as artistic as she planned her future home and life to be. This is ultimately true as I'll never be as creative or artistic as her or her ex, but everything else about us meshes perfectly. We've had many long intense discussions over the past week, everything from whether or not she should try to date her ex again, to trying to stay friends and stay in the same apartment (leasing is a pain), or to just kill it all together. I wish we could just calm down and let our lives go where they go, but I feel like she's doing her best to convince herself and me that staying together like now is impossible. I'm racking my brain trying to find ways for her to realize that what I lack artistically, we make up for in every other area. I'm literally getting physically sick with high temperatures and throwing up and feeling borderline depressed, a trait which unfortunately runs in my family. I don't really know what I'm asking for, maybe just some advice or friendly words. I'm dying inside because I feel like I'm losing my best friend, lover, and soul mate and ending this would be supremely stupid... oddly it seems like she feels similarly but won't admit it to herself. We just finished talking for the 5th night in a row and she even admits that, when she's with me, she doesn't have any doubts about being married and happy, but when she thinks of her artistic Ex she thinks she'll get smothered without someone artsy later in life and we'll hate each other for it. I have the utmost respect for her thinking ahead and trying to make sure we don't become another divorce statistic, but I think she's just freaking out about her parents' divorces, her ex's failed engagement, our lack of friends and support structure for her art, and our current life status between schools and becoming adults. Please someone lend me some strength or advice, I need help! I don't know what to do and she's flipflopping on feelings more than IHOP. I honestly feel like we belong together and she's just scared of everything happening so fast, but I can't seem to talk her down. Thank you so much!
GrayClouds Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Sorry dlb it is difficult. It may not feel like it now, and likely for awhile but these is probably a good thing for you. You were a rebound for her, some training wheels until she felt better. Her excuses she brings up now about what you are not is just that excuses. In all likelihood there is nothing you can do for she has already moved on and just trying to find a way to do it physically. Most probably she already has her eyes on someone else she is interested. Where her head is at right now, understand the harder you try to show her good in the relationship the more she will see the negatives. She used you to feel better and now that she does she moving. That sucks. I suspect you are a very giving and generous guy. It is a wonderful trait but now it is time to learn how to do so but direct to yourself, it is likely something that is very difficult for you to do. Though if you can take this opportunity to learn how and do it successfully to help you heal from this break-up, not only will your future loves be better your life will be. You deserve to be with someone that you do not have to convince the value of your love. You deserve to be with someone who knows what they want and that is you. This girl is not that person and for your own self esteem and growth it is time to let her go. Read the following it will give help you to: So you want a second chance? Good luck, time to put yourself first.
Author dlb488546 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them immensely. I'm doing my best to stay strong but it's hard when she's so close. I truly don't feel I was a rebound for her, though I suppose I could see others' skepticism. She left her boyfriend for me, not due to problems in their relationship but rather that she fell for me hard. We just clicked in a way that we hadn't felt before with any other relationship. Her boyfriend had such an issue with it due to his surprise by the break and I think she has always felt bad for how bad he took it. What I'm trying to still figure out is how she went from practically begging to be married to being afraid we'll hate each other. That's why I felt like she was just scared by everything that's going on right now in our lives and her decision was to break it off to avoid what she is scared of. I'm not saying you're wrong... on the contrary I think you're probably completely right. I am a person who puts everything I can into a relationship, and maybe that's why I always feel destroyed after breakups, but that's the only way I know to be. The outcome of this will likely be me being horribly sad and depressed, then hating her for leaving me, and then trying to do everything I can to not think of her and keep myself happy... just like it always seems to be. I enjoyed the link you gave and unfortunately I'll probably be putting it into practice soon. I think what I took most from the post was how impossible being "best friends" and roommates with her would be. I would never be able to look at her and not kiss her... she is exactly what I want and everything I couldn't have and that situation that would kill me. I just wish she'd snap out of whatever madness she's gone into over the past week and return to being the girl who wanted nothing else but to get married and live happily ever after...
GrayClouds Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) I know how complementary it felt for her to leave her boyfriend for you, and I am sure there was some real chemistry. Though set back a moment while your wondering how she could go from wanting marriage to breaking up. If you do you will see this is a pattern with her, she surprised the last one with a break-up and now she surprising you. I will bet dollars to donuts she will do the same with the next one. You are now wish she would return to the girl you believe her to be rather then the person she is, someone who finds a reason to bolt out of realtionship when she is done with them. As much as your grieving her departure, your grieving even more finding out she was not who you thought she was. It is her actions not her words that communicates it. It time to tell her to pack up her things and move on, that you deserve nothing less then someone who is absolutely sure they want to be with you. While you will give a thousand reasons why you would not want to do that, understand do so is you telling yourself your worth. It may not help getting over they pain any fast but it does help you keep you from hurting your self esteem. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. Edited May 24, 2010 by GrayClouds
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