How slow is too slow?!

[asortafairytale]

I met my current boyfriend online, and when I met him he was separated from his ex & currently in the process of a divorce - which has recently been finalized. We went on our first date at the end of December. When we started seeing each other we weren't exclusive for at least 2 weeks or so after our first date.Where he made the choice of wanting to see me & only me. We have been dating now for 5 months. He has made it very clear that he will be taking things slow, not rushing things, because he wants to make sure he does things right this time around (his relationship with his ex was never quite right & ended badly). He is 33 and I am 27. I don't know how slow he plans to take this relationship, but after several conversations I get the impression that it will be very slow. He is still very emotionally restrained and all that he has been able to share with me about his feelings is that he likes me a lot, likes to spend time with me, cares about me & looks forward to spending more time with me. Should that be enough for me? Shouldn't I be able to accept at least that much? I know that I should, but at the same time - I'm struggling with the fact that I care more about him than he does me. I've fallen in love with him, and have to bite my tongue to not say at certain moments that "L" word - so as not to scare him away. It's not something he is ready to hear & I know it's not a feeling he can reciprocate. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone whose feelings are not nearly at the same level yours are. But I wonder sometimes, if I should just let things be. Accept them for what they are & just keep living with the moment & accepting the happy feelings that I have for right now. But, I want more than the right now moments. I'm ready to start looking towards the future - a future that involves husband & a home & children. But how long will it take for him to reach that point again? At times he has let phrases slip like, it will be at least a year before I do this or it will be several years before I do that again. Do I want to wait around that long for him to tell me he loves me? To say, hey why don't you keep a whole drawer full of extra clothes here? To give me a set of keys to his place? If I care about him as much as I say I do, shouldn't I be willing to wait? But, how long do I want to wait? I really don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time (yes, I'm aware we've only been dating for 5 months, but I know I'm with a guy who WANTS a marriage & family, just like I do. But It seems like I've picked a snail in that category). I'm not looking for him to ask me to move in (in my mind that is a bit early). I'm not looking for him to rush - I want all of his feelings to be genuine. I just want some strong acknowledgement that he really SEES some potential with this relationship. I want him to return my feelings. I want him to kiss me hello one day soon & tell me that he loves me - and have it be something that he truly means. I want to be able to calm my mind & know that, yes, there is a future to this relationship. But, do I just stay quiet for now? Do I take a chance & tell him how I feel? Do I just tell myself to shut up, because I'm being crazy & thinking WAY too much about all of this? Do I just squash my feelings for a bit longer & just go with the flow?

 

I really don't know if I asked a question that can be answered..... :/

[Gary411]

Hey,

 

I actually just registered to try and provide some insight into your situation. Why? Because I'm 36 recently divorced and dating. I can only tell you how myself and one or more guy friends 29-34 feel. Maybe it will help.

 

First off, relax...I'm serious. Believe me, I know it's hard to be patient when you've got crazy chemistry for and/or care for someone so much. Let the fear go for a while, find an outlet or a distraction for the time being. I know that I had similar feelings to those of your BF for about 6 months to 1 year after being divorced. He's really just venting left over frustration and fear of the uncertain. It's hard to shake the shadow of betrayal from the past because you just got burned after investing so much of your time, emotion, and money into something that didn't work out. But, we all need someone and most of us rebound naturally, given enough time. Trust me, eventually he will realize what we all know, life is a series of risks with great rewards, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," love is one of those risks. Try to give him a few more months to get back to himself. Try to be supportive and be there without smothering him during this time. Once he's there, he'll be capable of being closer with you and begin to rebuild the trust and courage necessary to invest more deeply in this relationship.

 

There's no guarantee, but if you're really looking for long term, patience and careful consideration will give you two a good shot. If he doesn't bounce back after a year, I'd be concerned. This is why many men I know take time off to be alone after a break-up or divorce. They know they're in no shape for a relatively immediate relationship.

 

Hope it helps,

Take Care

[make me believe]

He probably isn't ready for all of that stuff yet (marriage & children) since he just got divorced. But the only way to find out is to ask him. Tell him exactly what you wrote here -- that you are looking towards the future and you want marriage, kids, and a home with your husband. Ask him what he wants for his future & WHEN he wants it to happen. You said that he wants marriage & a family, but if he doesn't want it for another decade and you want it in the next couple years, you two aren't going to be compatible.

 

Don't put pressure on him, just have a frank discussion about your future goals. This is why I usually recommend people doing this as soon as possible in the relationship. If he is only looking for a fun, casual girlfriend and you're looking to settle down, you're only going to get hurt in the end. It's best to be clear about your intentions in the very beginning.

[FitChick]

This is why I don't date men who have been divorced less than two years. Divorced men, several years after their divorces, have told me that they just weren't ready for anything serious before two years because they needed to get their heads, hearts and finances sorted. I have been the Transitional Woman -- the woman who bridges the gap from the marriage to singledom and then gets dumped because you remind him of the bad times. I won't make that mistake again.

 

It's entirely up to you how much time you want to invest.

[asortafairytale]

Gary411, makemebelieve, FitChick - thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.

 

Before I met him he had been separated from his ex for about 4 months. And in his words, had already had his rebound relationship - which was mostly sexual and lasted roughly a month. So, I've been hopeful that he is ready for a relationship with a bit more potential to it. Ever since I met him I have been nothing but supportive & understanding about his situation. My goal has never been to rush him, but you may be right Gary411, maybe I should give him a few more months to get things together emotionally (although I have shown support for him with work & his financial issues). Makemebelieve, as for the whole "future" from a few conversations we've had, it seems like he's not in a hurry to do anything for at least 2 years. He knows I'm looking towards the future - he knows that my ultimate goal is a family, so my guess would be that's in the back of his mind somewhere. FitChick, I've never dated a divorced man before, so this is new territory for me. And yes, he is still in the process of getting his affairs back in order, especially money wise. I would really be disappointed if I was just the "Transitional Woman." But, I guess maybe I will just give it a bit more time...wait & see where we are at the 6th or 7th month point. Maybe that is the sink or swim point. :/

[carhill]

My opinion as a separated/divorcing guy....

 

Red flags are:

 

-Exclusivity after two weeks.

 

-Saying he 'likes you a lot', ad nauseum, plus getting his noodle wet regularly, then dropping the 'not for months, years, lifetime' mini-bombs to temper the oxytocin fix he's got you on. Methodology, not care.

 

 

Tell me about his bend, his compromise, his care. Relationships are a two-way street. If he is currently incapacitated in that regard, is he a healthy partner for a relationship? Dating, FWB, fun on weekends, sure, but a LTR? Sounds like you want the latter. I like your idea of a timeline. Keep it firm. He will test it. Mark my words. Good luck

[EasyHeart]

Agreeance with what Carhill said.

 

Plus, to me this is a classic rebound situation. Hell, the guy isn't even divorced yet!!! (There is no rule, btw, that there is a limit of one rebound per divorce). This 'relationship' is all about him and his needs. He will string you along and feed you crumbs for as long as you are dumb enough to accept them, and when he's feeling better and got his confidence back, he will dump you without a second thought or any remorse. He probably won't even remember your name. He is using you and you are a doormat, plain and simple.

 

Why the hell women put up with this kind of crap is beyond me.

[carhill]

I 'put up with' the rebound cr@p from women in my younger, single years, which is why I'm doing nothing other than superficially dating until well after our divorce is final. I hated being ego validation for them and won't do that to someone.

 

That said, with men, since they must hunt down another female, most get started right away, as soon as their regular supply of sex/companionship dries up. This varies from man to man and can depend on the length of their marriage. Some guys, like some girls, 'can't be alone'. Be wary of those.

[EasyHeart]

I 'put up with' the rebound cr@p from women in my younger, single years, which is why I'm doing nothing other than superficially dating until well after our divorce is final. I hated being ego validation for them and won't do that to someone.

Me too. I was burned a few times by rebounding women in my younger days, once very badly. Women do it, too. Of course, back then we didn't have places like this where we can learn from other peoples' experiences and hopefully avoid making the same old mistakes over and over again.

 

OP: do yourself a favor and google "rebound relationships" and "dating separated man" or somesuch. Then run like the wind and find a man who is emotionally available and can give you the kind of relationship that you want.

[asortafairytale]

carhill - why is being exclusive after two weeks a red flag? we went on a few casual dates to start with & after a few dates, he decided he was interested in me & would date only me. Why would something like that send up red flags?

 

And yes, it is frustrating that he says only that he likes me - but I don't find that nauseating, just, well, like I said, frustrating! But he does appear to genuinely care for me. I recently lost my job & he has been very supportive of the whole process - and that's not something he would have to do if it was just rebound, right?

 

EasyHeart - he is divorced now. But yes, I can understand why you would point that out. I don't feel like I'm being treated like a doormat though. He's never been dishonest with me.

 

Ugh... I just don't know how to take what EasyHeart & carhill have said. It just makes me more frustrated. All I can do is take what you've said into consideration & see how things progress within my time frame...

[carhill]

why is being exclusive after two weeks a red flag?

 

'replacement wife syndrome' for a separated man. He ties up a replacement companion as quickly as possible.

 

Remember, I'm going through a divorce. I've felt all these emotions. I looked for female 'companionship' when I got none from stbx. I did all the unhealthy stuff. Just giving you some insight from the male side of the street. Happy to be wrong (because it will be less painful for you if I am).

[asortafairytale]

Carhill - I hope I am not what you are referring to as a "replacement wife" especially since I met him 4 months after the separation. But, now that he is officially divorced, I guess I will need to be more observant if things change - for better or worse. :/

[carhill]

I hope you are 'not' too. Only time will tell. Each situation is different. Kudo's to you for taking the risk of dating a separated man. I haven't met many women like that in my age group. Good luck