Sandy223 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Hi - i have been dating a man for about 1 year and 9 months; things have been progressing, he has told me he loves me; we are very much attracted to each other and getting closer. ... which means i have to be more intimate and expose more of myself, while mainting the right boundaries. This winter is went away for two months - there were two week stretches at at time when i heard nothing from him.... I was, of course, anxious, especially since we were going away for a long weekend as soon as he got back. Meanwhile, while away, he did not call me once - my contact was through IM and email... but, it was the sometimes two week stretches that got to me. The first night we were away, I was uncomfortable because i hadn't heard his voice in two months! It was surreal ... I did mention that to him our first night, because i wanted to enjoy the trip... anyway, it wasn't a long discussion, but I wanted to get it out of the way ... it was either that, or hopping on the next plane!!! We had a wonderful long weekend, and when we got back, the contact was more ... he does travel alot, but called/texted every other day, etc... then ... and here is where I am stuck .... two weeks ago he went away for a long weekend ... I heard from him on tuesday ... (he left thurday), and then nothing ... radio silence for 6 days!! Finally, on Monday (we were supposed to go out the following thursday) ... he sends me a text about how nice england was ... wish you were here xo Well, I felt uncomfotable, because there are a lot of things going on with him (involving his soon to be ex-wife who he has been seperated from for over a year) ... anyway ... he is feelings guilty about the kids, etc... too much to get into here... So, I wrote him back the next day ... saying I am so glad you are having a nice time, it sounds lovely! Looks like we are going to have to reschedule thursday though, was looking forward to it .. Then, all last week, he tried to see me Wednesday, and then this weekend -- i told him the following week (the wed before memorial day would be best) ... and that you for undertanding, I appreciate it... I didn't tip off that anything was really wrong, and there were more emails/texts/calls ... i am not going into every detail... but, i didn't want to see him until I felt comfortable and in control of my emotions... I wanted to get my center back, and figure out what was right for me to do since this pattern of radio silence appears to keep popping up sporadically ... I told him about it before ... e.g., he was radio silent before, but I still went on the trip ... after two months of no calls .. which basically said "hey, you don't have to check in with me, I will just pop out of a cake whenever you want!!: This time, I did it differently, I put off the date to a time in the future where I felt comfortable ... I didn't do it to punish him, but decided, it was up to me to make myself feel comfortabe ... it was not my choice for him not to call me for six days, but apparently, if I let this pattern continue, and continue to just keep the dates after not hearning from him for extended periods, that is like saying "do whatever you want ... I am here" ... well, this time I didn't ... I pulled back, and he pursued like crazy ... I had a nice weeekend alone, going to the gym and taking care of myself ... I worked hard at work, I feel great about myself .... I decided not to let this take control of me, adn now I feel balanced again... ... so, I am supposed to see him this Wed., and i think he knows it wasn't right for him to not call for that long again, and expect me to just be there, waiting .... but, I think I need to say something ... because (1) I really DON"T know everything that is going on with him; and because (2) if this is going to have a chance to blossom, it can't happen in the dark anyway; and (3) becomong more intimite means revelaing more of yourself ... putting on an act, when you can see a patterm emerging that makes you uncomfortable, is not being intimate.... So.... here is what I was planning to say, in a very nice, comforting tome ... not in a blaming or accusatory way ... "I need your help understanding some things. I don't know whats going on over there, and when I don't hear from you, my imagination sometimes makes things up ... and then it's hard for me to just turn on a switch, as if. I would like to feel relaxed too. I need to know where you are, right now, in your life. I need for you to shed some light, if you can" .... this way ... I am NOT asking about US or where the relationship is going ... I am quite confident that he loves me, he just spaces out; I am asking about how is is doing NOW... so that I can know if we are even close to being on the same page in life .... let's face it, if two people are on totally different pages, it doesn't matter sometimes how much they love you!!! Anyway, if you could please offer some feedback, or advice as to what I plan to say ... I don't want to come across as a nag, or if I am pushing ... I am not pushing ... there are just certain things I think people should know about each other, to give them a better sense if they are on the same page, and to undertand where they are coming from .... If you read all of these "HARD to get" books, and how to build attraction, they advise NEVER to initiatie the SERIEOUS talk about where things are going ... .Is this the same as that???? Also, isn't this me just being more intimate ...? By telling that I need to undsertand more where he is coming from???? And, at the same time,asserting boundaries that value myself, by giving myself the time and space that I need ... instead of jumping through hoops, despite my discomfort, to be there with bells and whistles the second he gets back ... even though he didn't think to call me for a week??? Thanks.
Hopeful30 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) NO, don't say that. Guys HATE that. Maybe he doesn't call you because you are always bothering him, sorry to say. If you want him to miss you, you need to GO AWAY for little bit, otherwise there will be nothing to miss. Also understand that he is going through a tough time, making the divorce final and all of that. He doesn't exactly have time to be cuddley-cutsey all the time. Men space out when things like this happen, and they go into their cave for a while. They don't talk their feelings out, they just disappear. My boyfriend is the same. When we fight, he takes a day or two of being very distant, texting me only the most trivial things so we keep in touch. But he distances himself, and doesn't talk at all. Men are like this. Give him his space, he will come to you. Edited May 24, 2010 by Hopeful30
Author Sandy223 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Thanks hopeful!! I did go away ... for 10 days to be exact .... I cancelled our date for Thursday ... because something came up ... and, I spent the time taking care of myself ... going out with friends for dinner, turning my phone off ... and I relaxed all weekend ... actually went to my friends home in connecticut .... so, he knows I am out and about ... ... also, by the way he freaked out after I cancelled our date (not telling him it was because he didn't call) shows that he probably did realize that he pushed it by not calling ... and even though he thinks I was busy for reasons having nothing to do with him ... I am sure, he is not dumb, that he realizes he turned me off a bit, so I made those other things my priority instead of him ... ... so, maybe you are right ... I don't need to say anything ... next time he does it, I will just go away longer!!!! I didn't give him access to me for 10 days! and, he was clamoring to get in ... Oh, well ... too bad... the last thing I wanted to do was for him to see me when i was an emptional wreck, and insecure ... so, I got MYSELF back on track until I felt ready to see him .... I thought I could address it now, in a clam and straightforward manner ... but, you are my inner voice ... don't do it!! i think I will be more attractive by pulling away when he acts like an ass ... think I already know how much he misses me, and probably himself realizes it wasn't the right thing to do ... by the way he responded to my absence.... Maybe if I keep showing him with my actions... and am just the beatiful, charming warm woman that I am when I see him ... he will just want to be around me more, and won't even dare pull another stunt like that .... unless he wants me to go away for an even longer period next time ... in which case, who needs him anyway?
Author Sandy223 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Actually ... hopeful ... you hit it on the head .... ... you say that after you and he fight, he distances himself, gives him the space he needs, but still stays in touch with trivial emails ... that is what I am talking about ... in a "real relationship" I think my bf should do the same ... it's like saying "I know things are awry, but I do care about you, and I want you to feel comfortable about continuing with me" .... It's been almost two year ... what would happen if you knew something was going on with your bf, but is went radio SILENT, not one text or anything ... for an entire week? Would you be jumping up, happy and ready to see him?
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