how do I do this?

[Heather1]

After 2 months of NC, we've been in touch & he started coming back to my work. I've made a point of not being there, so I still haven't seen him since the beginning of Feb. when I disappeared. He started coming to my work, and wanted to be "friends." My interpretation of this is he's gone on w/ his life & I need to suck it up. He said he missed me, and he was disappointed I wasn't there when he was. Made clear this was only going to be a friendship from here on out.

 

So I flipped, granted I was on pain meds so bad week anyway. He kept pounding the "friend" thing home & I let him know that nothing more is EVER going to happen. What a cocky jerk. I just find it surprising he thinks I'm still gung ho after the whole fiasco....but I need to stop proving to him I'm not gung ho & just disappear again. He hasn't replied to my latest email letting him know "not a chance." It's funny, when I stick up for myself he's always gone. I don't want to be friends w/ him, that just sucks for me. He's forever going to treat me as an ego boost. I'm SO GLAD they changed my shifts at work, so I'll never see him.

 

this all just sucks....back to NC I guess. I lasted 2 months, maybe 4 now? I have to remember this if I ever get the urge to get ahold of him again, it's like "thank you sir, may I have another?" Each time we break NC he gets colder.

[jj33]

Darling Heather what does NC mean? It means NO CONTACT. This is not Ross and Rachel on friends. You are not on a break. It is O V E R.

 

Each time he gets colder because he isnt getting what he wants.

 

You are no longer in a romance.

 

You do not want to be friends.

 

There is nowhere left to go. Over Kaput Ciao.

 

What do you want from this man? You say you dont want to be his friend. The A is over he is not leaving, so....

 

You want what I and many others have wanted at one stage or another.

 

You want him to come back and say this has all been a mistake. I love you more than life itself and I cant go on without you by my side. I have left my wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

 

Having just experienced the kick in the head I needed to let me know that I was living in a fantasy world making excuses for selfish behavior for far too long, learn from my mistakes.

 

You cant sit there and wait for him to see the light. Too many of us have turned on the lights and shone them in MMs face and still nothing. He may know he loves you he may know he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him. DOES NOT MATTER.

 

He is STILL married to someone else and has said you can be freinds (lucky you) I suspect that means FWB in his code.

 

He is cocky. He does believe that you love him enough that he can manipulate you back into his life on his terms.

 

Hold your head high at work. Post your heart out.

 

NC is not "just another few months". Its forever. Or if you have to speak at work, its just that, work. He holds nothing for you personally.

 

Take good care

[jthorne]

Excellent post, jj.

Heather, he keeps showing you what an azzclown he is, yet you kept expecting something different. Why?

[Just a stone's throw]

Darling Heather what does NC mean? It means NO CONTACT. This is not Ross and Rachel on friends. You are not on a break. It is O V E R.

 

Each time he gets colder because he isnt getting what he wants.

 

You are no longer in a romance.

 

You do not want to be friends.

 

There is nowhere left to go. Over Kaput Ciao.

 

What do you want from this man? You say you dont want to be his friend. The A is over he is not leaving, so....

 

You want what I and many others have wanted at one stage or another.

 

You want him to come back and say this has all been a mistake. I love you more than life itself and I cant go on without you by my side. I have left my wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

 

Having just experienced the kick in the head I needed to let me know that I was living in a fantasy world making excuses for selfish behavior for far too long, learn from my mistakes.

 

You cant sit there and wait for him to see the light. Too many of us have turned on the lights and shone them in MMs face and still nothing. He may know he loves you he may know he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him. DOES NOT MATTER.

 

He is STILL married to someone else and has said you can be freinds (lucky you) I suspect that means FWB in his code.

 

He is cocky. He does believe that you love him enough that he can manipulate you back into his life on his terms.

 

Hold your head high at work. Post your heart out.

 

NC is not "just another few months". Its forever. Or if you have to speak at work, its just that, work. He holds nothing for you personally.

 

Take good care

 

 

jj33 - excellent! exactly!

 

heather1 - now get to it!!!!

 

JAST

[silverplanets]

Darling Heather what does NC mean? It means NO CONTACT. This is not Ross and Rachel on friends. You are not on a break. It is O V E R.

 

Each time he gets colder because he isnt getting what he wants.

 

You are no longer in a romance.

 

You do not want to be friends.

 

There is nowhere left to go. Over Kaput Ciao.

 

What do you want from this man? You say you dont want to be his friend. The A is over he is not leaving, so....

 

You want what I and many others have wanted at one stage or another.

 

You want him to come back and say this has all been a mistake. I love you more than life itself and I cant go on without you by my side. I have left my wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

 

Having just experienced the kick in the head I needed to let me know that I was living in a fantasy world making excuses for selfish behavior for far too long, learn from my mistakes.

 

You cant sit there and wait for him to see the light. Too many of us have turned on the lights and shone them in MMs face and still nothing. He may know he loves you he may know he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him. DOES NOT MATTER.

 

He is STILL married to someone else and has said you can be freinds (lucky you) I suspect that means FWB in his code.

 

He is cocky. He does believe that you love him enough that he can manipulate you back into his life on his terms.

 

Hold your head high at work. Post your heart out.

 

NC is not "just another few months". Its forever. Or if you have to speak at work, its just that, work. He holds nothing for you personally.

 

Take good care

 

Spot on ...

 

What he wants/thinks/ask for is no longer of relevance.

 

No Contact means I am done with you, period.

 

And don't kid yourself that a temporary slip puts you back to stage 1 .. it doesn't ... its just a temporary mis-step ... you're very next step can quite happily be even further away from him.

 

Those 2 months NC .. they are in the right direction .. just have a chuckle at the slip and keep on walking ...

 

Eventually you will see them as the person they always were ... and then you will be relieved !!

 

C

[ladydesigner]

Oh (((Heather))) hang in there sweetie. I too cannot wait for the day that even NC will not come to mind. I want to wake up FREE from it all. I love jj33's post (I think it should go up with the stickies for NC:D).

 

You are strong don't let him get to you. Yes they are ALL cocky and it infuriates me:mad:.

 

I hope you are having a wonderful day today for YOU. Much love to ya sista!!

[Hazyhead]

Confronted with him coming into your work, I think you did quite well Heather. But, yes, back on the NC, back to doing really well (you were). If he comes back, do you have security? (Would you not get a kick from watching him be lifted under each arm by two burly men whilst he tries to reassure that he was only talking?!?) ;)

[jj33]

Darlin' when you say hes coming to your work does he work there? Is he a client or a vendor or something? Or is he there just hanging around waiting to catch a chance to talk to you?

 

If he has a business reason to be there I know how it feels. I have lived with it for far too long. It is hard not to feel like a puppy wagging its tail only to realize its not like it was... and that is hard.

 

If hes there for you and has no other reason to be there kick his azzclown (i love that phrase) azz into next week. Tell him he is not welcome in your place of business and if he comes again you will call security.

 

Take good care you can do this. For the first time ever I am embarrassed that I ever fell for him. I never in a million years thought I could EVER feel that way about him. It would have been so disloyal to someone I thought of as the love of my life.

 

Now? I shake my head and say girl, you must have been low because you fell for a common con artist. Suave Pierre in the cartoons and you fell for him. Charming...

 

I have held a torch for so so so long against all odds "believing" in my heart that true love would triumph.

 

In the end I triumphed. I took off the rose colored glasses. No I am not a reformed OW. I am just someone who stopped waiting for someone to do what he never had the b*lls to do but was too selfish to stop behaving like he just might.

Edited May 24, 2010 by jj33

[Heather1]

He was a friend of my former boss, who left in July. Because of my schedule change, I won't see him. He did say he comes there because of me....it's not really a situation I can call security (although, I wish). Everyone knows who he is & they have no idea he's there for me, and they would never think that. For this area, his family is well known so they'd rather have him there than me.

 

He didn't reply because he's out of town...so he replied when I told him I needed to say good bye once and for all & finally told me he couldn't reply because he's out of town.

 

I'm set to go (as long as he doesn't come in) for NC. I know he won't leave his w, that's a weird situation I won't get into, but I don't want or expect that. Is that strange of me? His guilt is the only reason this ended & I do like some kind of appreciation, he backs off & freaks out, which freaks me out, so we go back & forth. So it's not the leaving the family for me, it's the lack of appreciation for me.

[jj33]

Heather I was in a similar situation when it ended (way before I joined LS) in a million years I never expected him to leave and only left because he couldnt deal with it and same thing and also he was from a well known highly esteemed family.

 

Hes a fool. I spent so long excusing it saying hes freaking out because hes in love with me etc etc. And so it went back and forth and back and forth.

 

And even after we broke up and he would find ways (work related) to get my attention and it went on back and forth and back and forth.

 

You know what I learned this week. If someone you are involved with doesnt appreciate you, WHY doesnt matter.

 

All that matters is he isnt showing you the appreciation you deserve. Married or single. It doesnt matter.

WHO CARES.

[jennie-jennie]

In the end I triumphed. I took off the rose colored glasses. No I am not a reformed OW. I am just someone who stopped waiting for someone to do what he never had the b*lls to do but was too selfish to stop behaving like he just might.

 

I agree, jj, you are not a reformed OW.

 

(((Heather)))

[skywriter]

jj33 is a work in progress,(as I am too), and an awesome, wise woman!!!

 

 

Hugs to ya Heather!

[Just a stone's throw]

Heather I was in a similar situation when it ended (way before I joined LS) in a million years I never expected him to leave and only left because he couldnt deal with it and same thing and also he was from a well known highly esteemed family.

 

Hes a fool. I spent so long excusing it saying hes freaking out because hes in love with me etc etc. And so it went back and forth and back and forth.

 

And even after we broke up and he would find ways (work related) to get my attention and it went on back and forth and back and forth.

 

You know what I learned this week. If someone you are involved with doesnt appreciate you, WHY doesnt matter.

 

All that matters is he isnt showing you the appreciation you deserve. Married or single. It doesnt matter.

WHO CARES.

 

Exactly JJ, if they neither appreciate or respect you as a human being and take you for granted, the WHY doesn't matter. It just is. Once you figure that out you lose that "rose colored glasses" look at the relationship. It just doesn't matter. Their actions speak much louder than their words.

 

JAST

[jj33]

And the problem is we make up excuses for their failure to appreciate us or to stop taking us for granted. Oh he doesnt mean to its just, or oh its just his way of coping or oh this or oh that.

 

Well OH NO. No more. Once you see that it isnt some sort of mistake, that they arent going to change and that there is NO excuse for the way that they treat you and that you deserve better it is very freeing.

 

This is the first time in a long time that I havent hated him or loved him or felt anything towards him.

 

My hope for you is that this day comes a lot sooner than it did for me.

[Hazyhead]

Heather, stop looking for validation or appreciation from him. What does it matter? You move forward without this - no more waiting to hear what isn't coming, and even if it did, it would only suck you back into more of the same. Remember, Heather: more of the same.

 

He's nothing. Move forward now - you're doing well but by seeking this little snippet from him you inadvertantly give him validation, and he doesn't deserve it!

[jj33]

Its like the song from Les Mis - its a dream that becomes a nightmare. The best thing you can do is let it go.

 

"And still I dream he'll come to me

And we will live the years together!

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather.

 

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream

I dreamed."

[Hazyhead]

Its like the song from Les Mis - its a dream that becomes a nightmare. The best thing you can do is let it go.

 

"And still I dream he'll come to me

And we will live the years together!

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather.

 

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream

I dreamed."

 

Were you just watching Glee, too?

[Heather1]

That's my favorite book!!

 

No, what this is for him is he's missing the ego boost. If he missed me he'd step up to the plate w/ some appreciation for what I'm going through, etc. The "friends" puts him in contact when he needs a boost, and then at arms length again. I used to be so good at this when I was single, cutting ties & moving on, cutting my losses once I figured it out. That was way before cell phones & email where I could only check my messages once a day when I got home from work & gym @ 11pm. Damn technology!!

 

So we're setting up a time to say good bye, since we haven't tried that one yet! Is that possible? I don't believe in soulmates & closure, and yet I want him to see me as myself & say goodbye as opposed to this crazy email person!! Usually i only blame myself for my actions, but I swear it seems like he provokes me to go nuts when he pulls the rug out from me. I'm fine until then.

 

How did you all say goodbye? Is it easier w/ the f-you's? Or is it nicer in person (not in a hotel room) & you both feel as good as you can about the situation? I don't want him to remember me as the neurotic emailing drama queen (that would be 5 emails in 2 weeks, but still, fully loaded ones). What's the best way to just end this for good & make the best of it? Obviously the cold turkey is making us want eachother more (or me, don't know about him). I don't need an explanation, I just feel like I need to look him straight in the face for the person he is & let him see from my face how hurt I am, but that I'll be OK. Plus, I want to look hot when I do see him. My last image of him is in the shower!! I need to have another image!!! But let me know if you all think that's a bad idea. I'm thinking public place w/ a time limit so I don't lose it, like I've read on some sights w/ my obsessive googling. Google has been my crystal ball (ok, some technology is not so bad;)

[jj33]

If you MUST get the closure in person then yes do it in a public place limited time frame.

 

Be prepared that this may not be closure for him. It may be him trying to get you into FWB. It may be him telling you that you dont have to end it.

 

What is there to say? I understand that you want to him to see how he has hurt you but really you dont. You just think you do.

 

Make sure you have somewhere you have to be, even if its a manicure afterwards. Or do it during lunch at work so that you have to go back to work and he cant come with you or convince you to cancel it.

 

Better yet if you can book a facial or something or a massage after so that you are pampering yourself.

 

Its sad. Its hard on you. You dont know what he will say and its likely that whatever he says will be upsetting. Either he will be an azz in one way or another or he will tug at your heartstrings.

 

I appreciate why you need to see him, but it sucks really.

 

And no matter how hot you look, its not going to change anything. I appreciate why you want to look hot and it will make you feel more confident but he knows you are hot. You are dressing for you.

[Heather1]

If you MUST get the closure in person then yes do it in a public place limited time frame.

 

Be prepared that this may not be closure for him. It may be him trying to get you into FWB. It may be him telling you that you dont have to end it.

 

What is there to say? I understand that you want to him to see how he has hurt you but really you dont. You just think you do.

 

Make sure you have somewhere you have to be, even if its a manicure afterwards. Or do it during lunch at work so that you have to go back to work and he cant come with you or convince you to cancel it.

 

Better yet if you can book a facial or something or a massage after so that you are pampering yourself.

 

Its sad. Its hard on you. You dont know what he will say and its likely that whatever he says will be upsetting. Either he will be an azz in one way or another or he will tug at your heartstrings.

 

I appreciate why you need to see him, but it sucks really.

 

And no matter how hot you look, its not going to change anything. I appreciate why you want to look hot and it will make you feel more confident but he knows you are hot. You are dressing for you.

 

I love you!! Thank you!! Yeah, I have someplace spectacular I need to be that's really cool....my new hobby!! It'll make me completely forget whatever happens, always does!

[jj33]

That is great! Then you can leave him behind you when you to go your spectacular destination after you meet him.

 

And better yet, you will be excited about what you are doing so you will be "up" and he wont have hte satisfaction of thinking that he has caused you to stop living because he is the be all and end all of your life. You have a life, a great life and dumping his unapreciative take it for granted azz can only make it better.

[twinsmom]

I think jj33 is one of the wisest people on this board, but I see nothing good coming from your seeing him in person. I might be wrong. I think you are very far from ending it with him.

[jj33]

Thanks and I agree with you twins but sometimes you just need to end it in person. We could all say dont, but she will and so she may as well go armed (not literally of course although in some cases....)

[twinsmom]

And I wish her the best if she does.

[jj33]

Actually Twins Mom is exactly right. Seein him is a BAD idea. You will just have to go through this again. NC isnt a limited time thing.

 

Why even call it NC? Its OVER. You are DONE (if you are).

 

When relationships end they end. This idea of being friends with someone who didnt appreciate you is rubbish.

 

Think about a relationship with a single person. Someone ends it and unless you share hte same social circle (and even then its often not fun) you are done. If you break up by mutual agreement (you are great but this isnt going anywhere) you are done.

 

The only people who hang on for FWB or to keep their egos stroked are the predatory ones.

 

The MPs who keep the contact going are selfish azzclowns (my new favorite word). They have nothing to offer and only care about their own egos and their own needs. They dont have your best interest in mind.

 

You ended this because he didnt appreciate you. That is not a good basis for any future contact other than you prancing in front of him showing him how hot you are and how he messed up by not appreciating you.

 

Again I get it and I appreciate why you feel the way you do, but its not productive for you to do this.

 

Sooner or later you are going to have to fight through the reality that its over and he is in fact an azzclown. Seeing him one more time is not going to assist that process.

 

Whatever you decide our thoughts and support are with you.