TiffanyG80 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) My boyfriend of four years ended our relationship yesterday (saturday). We have broken up before and got back together and each time we grow and come back stronger. He appreciates me more and I him. But this time was different. We are so close. We love each other so much. We have been arguing a lot and it pretty much comes down to my insecurities cause me to cling to him and he needs to be able to feel comfortable to make choices to see me or not without us arguing or me getting upset. The problem here is that he has lied to me in the past, years ago, broke up with me before and crushed me several times and has always kept his guard some what up. Until this past year when things were different. He was my dream man. His main focus was making me happy. I was on cloud 9 for most of the past year. It was amazing he went above and beyond what I could have ever dreamed of with him. But naturally because of our past I was insecure and unsure about what was going on. I kept waiting for the time when he would hurt me again and pull away. Well the last 6 weeks or so just starting going down hill and fast. I had my guard up really high. I don't think I appreciated him and I feel I took him for granted. No matter what happened he didn't leave like he used to. He used to close up, leave when he got mad, hang up on me and not talk to me the rest of the night when he was angry. He didn't do any of this. He was very committed to staying with me. Then he tells me he can't do it anymore. That he is going crazy and he needs to be alone. He tells me "you know how I feel about you, I don't know if I will be begging at your feet in a month or what will happen." Then he said that all he knows is that he is not capable of fixing things right now, he wants to but he is not capable of it, he just can't do it anymore. He said he keeps messing things up and he can't get it right. I was such a pathetic loser and did something I never did before with him and begged him not to make this decision. That this decision was precisely what made me so unsure and insecure with us in the first place. He said no matter what you say I am not changing my mind, I am letting you go. He was nice and very hurt, crying at times. We talked for a little over an hour. I know part of this sounds as if he just wants some time, etc.. But I know him, I know how he felt when he changed and made every effort to make me happy. He started out slowly said he never wants to hurt me again and he has to trust himself not to. When things were full on and great, he said he trusted himself and knew he could do what it takes. Yesterday he was saying things like I was wrong, I will never get this right, I just can't get this right no matter how hard I try, I mess this all up, I don't want to hurt anymore, we can't make this work. The hardest part is knowing i could of done more. I could of tried harder. If only I was more confident in myself. I am losing a good man who really loves me because I was a insecure little girl. This is almost unbearable. I am disgusted with myself and I am so sorry for what I did. All he wanted was breathing space but I clung on so tight because I was scared to lose him and I caused my greatest fear to happen. I am almost 30 and yet I acted like a little girl. I am so upset with myself. All this time he kept telling me what he needed from me and I would just tell him what I needed. I just kept telling him what he was doing wrong! ( I feel so bad, he made the right decision, I don't ever want to hurt him again). I want to text him so badly to tell him for once how sorry I am. To take responsibility for the first time for my part but I haven't. He wants to be alone and wants to clear his mind and I don't want to hurt him anymore. A part of me feels like I will not be able to let him go until I apologize and express this to him but right now I am trying my hardest to give him what he needs. I did this, I deserve to feel this way, I have the rest of my life to let him go. I don't feel like I deserve him to try. The two weeks or so I seen how rocky things were so I was really trying, but he didn't seem to see any of that. I was really trying, I just wasn't seeing the full picture. When ever he would say he needed to rest and was going to stay home, all I heard was "he doesn't want me as much as I want him, he's pulling away." I seriously did some damage this man is naturally cautious and guarded. He is a police officer which grew up with no affection and in a hard neighborhood. He's a very guarded man. But I seen his soft side(he has a bigger heart than most people who are open and affectionate), I was practically the only one that seen him cry or any emotion out of him. We got to the point where he was extremely open and affectionate with me. But I also know when he decides something he is extremely disciplined and will stick to it, no matter how pain it causes him. And another hard part about this which never happened before when we broke up was I keep looking at my phone hoping he has text me, looking out my window hoping he is going to come say he made a mistake. I know he's not, yet I do this anyway. I feel like a nut case. And just the fact that I am typing this on here for the world to see tells me how far gone I am. I don't know what I hope to accomplish from this other than some feedback. I don't know why I guess nothing heals this but time. Tiffany [email protected] Edited May 24, 2010 by TiffanyG80
lvixen Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Not to be rude but have you considered counselling? Your ex boyfriend can't help you with your insecurities either. You have to help YOURSELF. Get help, prove to your ex that you're willing to compromise. No one wants to be with someone who is extremely insecure unless they are insecure themselves. HEALTHY relationships are a balance between dependence and independence, as they say. If you can't build your independence and confidence on your own then you need help. I don't mean "get help" in an insulting way either, so don't be offended. I could easily tell you to go NC with your ex, to get over him, etc,. But I won't do that because your next relationship is doom to failure too if you continue to smother your partner.
Author TiffanyG80 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Maybe you are right in some degree but I wasn't always like this. He lied to me for two years and I caught him in many lies. He also left me 4 times prior to this and then would come back. Every time he does he is more open and more mature. However, I guess I shouldn't have went back into the relationship if I couldn't do so in a healthy and secure way. It doesn't matter anymore, he's gone and this time its final. I do take responsibility for my part. A relationship takes two. I was very insecure with him this past year as soon as he started to pull away and would show any sign of past behavior I got scared and tried to hold on. I do and will have some issues from this. I love him and I am heart broken that we could not work out our differences. I know the only way this could ever work is if I was able to let go of the past and truly trust him and he would need to stay open and committed and not shut down the second things don't go his way. But every time he leaves and shuts down it makes it that much harder for me to feel secure and trust him. This relationship is impossible, that is why it didn't work. I know some day I will be in a place again to trust and love. And I will work towards that. This hurts, we have history and I am angry with myself for not being able to let go of our past and that I continued to doubt him. Maybe your right, now i do need some help. That doesn't help the way I am feeling now.
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