You Go Girl Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 My tendency is to fall into the "super-responsible" or parent role, deny myself joy, do a lot of self-sacrifice, care-taking, emergency responder, etc. My "child" was pretty well beaten down at an early age. I have a hard time allowing myself to have any kind of fun. I'm either adult or parent all the time. The child I was, learned at an early age to hang low and to steel himself up for the verbal and physical beatings to be endured. He's afraid to come out to play. Maybe that's why this desire for sex is troubling me. Were I a bit more self-indulgent and embracing of exuberance, I'd just have me a lady-friend already to play with. I'm too wary of hurting someone else, the stbx-w, or potential lady-friend to let myself have some fun. Well, I guess there's always sex-for-one. Wish I had soft hands. At least I still have a sense of humor about it all. I'm just the opposite. I have a difficult time controlling my 'child' and getting myself to work. If work doesn't feel like play-I don't want to do it, and will procrastinate. Interesting, I should get back into therapy for this problem alone, because it's a financial disaster the last couple years, and requires immediate attention now. But it's neither the parent chastising, nor the child whining or hiding that I should listen to--the adult has to step up to the plate. I used to be very financially responsible, so the dynamics are complex. I need to scrutinize them more. Are you looking for approval, or permission from your 'parent' to have a more casual relationship? First, it can't conflict with your morals. Secondly, if your adult has a sexual relationship with another adult--and neither of you are acting out--ie your 'child', then who can get hurt or why? I suppose in any relationship whatsoever there's a possibility for hurt. But hurt rarely seems to be the outcome if two people are honest and upfront with each other. There are plenty of women who would casually date and include sex in the relationship. There's also the trendy 'fwb' thing. But if your morals or basic values say that you can't go there without emotional attachment, then that's not a possibility for you. You could always sit on your hand until it nearly goes numb, hear that creates a sensation of a stranger's hand.
trippi1432 Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I love it, now we are getting down into the inner child thing....my inner child needs to be put up for adoption (as my therapist tells me I cannot kill her, that would invariably be killing me). So, my inner child is grounded...locked in a cage and not allowed to play with anyone for right now. I'm sure by the time I have learned to tame my inner child, I will have lost most of what made me unique in the first place...sigh.....oh well.
sedgwick Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 So how is that going? Living alone I mean. I'm 39 and have lived alone since my divorce at age 31. I LOVE it!! If you've never done it, it can truly be a great adventure.
You Go Girl Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I love it, now we are getting down into the inner child thing....my inner child needs to be put up for adoption (as my therapist tells me I cannot kill her, that would invariably be killing me). So, my inner child is grounded...locked in a cage and not allowed to play with anyone for right now. I'm sure by the time I have learned to tame my inner child, I will have lost most of what made me unique in the first place...sigh.....oh well. Naw trippi--that inner child is your creativity in life. It's just about who leads= the adult. The parent and child have to follow. When you find yourself in a playground, or creating a piece of art, or playing that guitar--the child is let to run loose. When you find yourself at a moral impasse--crisis or crossroads in life, the parent has to be consulted. But the adult always gets the final say!
trippi1432 Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Naw trippi--that inner child is your creativity in life. It's just about who leads= the adult. The parent and child have to follow. When you find yourself in a playground, or creating a piece of art, or playing that guitar--the child is let to run loose. When you find yourself at a moral impasse--crisis or crossroads in life, the parent has to be consulted. But the adult always gets the final say! Hey YGG - Maybe I should make you my therapist because my inner child is my creativity, she's the one who see's the beauty, the musical notes, the colors and the rainbows....but she is also pushed back by a black and white mental image of that these people think are supposed to make me find that crossroads in my life. My parent berates and my adult retreats.....because my adult just gives in because she just wants to be loved. yeah...had these discussions....reason why I can't say no to my kids. I like your analogy of it better.
jenifer1972 Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Why is your divorce taking so long? I did not date til after I was divorced. Lines just seemed too blurry for me, and weird. But from filing to finish was 7 months.
trippi1432 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Hi Jen, Divorces can take a long time according to state regs and who wants to file them. In my first case, it took 2 years for the ex to file because he finally wanted to get married again and I wasn't going to pay for it because I didn't want to get divorced. In this one, I am more than happy to file for him....15 years of unhappiness, never doing anything right..it's for me and for him....find what we have been missing all this time to make ourselves happy. The stats are state driving and we can't control them...the are what they are.
You Go Girl Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Hey YGG - Maybe I should make you my therapist because my inner child is my creativity, she's the one who see's the beauty, the musical notes, the colors and the rainbows....but she is also pushed back by a black and white mental image of that these people think are supposed to make me find that crossroads in my life. My parent berates and my adult retreats.....because my adult just gives in because she just wants to be loved. yeah...had these discussions....reason why I can't say no to my kids. I like your analogy of it better. You should. I like their pay. When life gets stressful, lock the parent in the closet and set the child free! I had a dream that I told my daughter that we weren't going to be able to see each other anymore because of her lack of respect. I even told her I had the dream, wow. She's 20. She sure looked at me funny. She went through a period where she knew everything and mom was shyte. I think she's finally passed it. There was a time in her high school years where I was sending her to Europe every year but not taking care of her emotional needs as well as I should have. She seemed unapproachable. Give your kids what the NEED, and don't worry about their wants.
stepka Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Give your kids what the NEED, and don't worry about their wants. Nothing truer was ever said.
ifelove007 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Its crazy when you are off the right woman,But then its Joy in your Heart when you see the right one,But then Time could change and then its comes inturn to be the worst..If you are the right woman Pop up to me
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