Want to get laid...

[just_some_guy]

I'm stuck in limbo. Separated, haven't had any in a long time, even before the separation. I'm too married to get a girlfriend, too unmarried to go back. This is tough.

 

I'm happier, got friends, things to do, places to go. Just no nookie and none on the immediate horizon. That's gonna be the tough part. I don't dare go to wife. I'm certain she'd be willing, but just too many strings if that happens.

[jenifer1972]

Are you moving ahead with divorce? If you are not, potential partners won't come out of the woodwork. It would be a real landmine to start getting involved with a guy who was separated, but not making moves to complete the process. When I was single, a guy who was separated wanted me to date him. I told him no because the door to his wife was still open, and in fact, he did go back to her.

[just_some_guy]

Creeping along, slowly. Stuck in limbo. Sigh.

[stepka]

I had the same problems with it at first and I'm a woman. There was something about knowing that it wouldn't be for a good long while that made it worse but as time went on things calmed down and I only think about it occasionally and then in a frame of mind that when it comes it'll be wonderful. I know a couple of young men willing to help out but I'm not willing to go there and I'm 100% positive that the ex wouldn't. (gay)

[Gunny376]

I had the same problems with it at first and I'm a woman. There was something about knowing that it wouldn't be for a good long while that made it worse but as time went on things calmed down and I only think about it occasionally and then in a frame of mind that when it comes it'll be wonderful. I know a couple of young men willing to help out but I'm not willing to go there and I'm 100% positive that the ex wouldn't. (gay)

 

Your ex is gay?

[stepka]

Your ex is gay?

 

Well it's not like it was obvious when we were married, but here I was thinking I was a contented married woman of 23 years and then he dumped that one on me. Not funny. Not funny at all, and the thing is I couldn't really even be mad b/c I have my daughters and I'm crazy about them and I wouldn't have them--I'd have some others kids that might not be as great, or maybe no kids at all so I just had to suck it up at first and get mad later.

 

Crazy thing is, when he came out I had all these visuals going thru my head as you can imagine and they were making me horny even though I do not fantacize about 2 men doing it I can tell you. Then right after that I found out that there was a study done by a woman and she hooked up electrodes to men and women and showed them dirty movies and the men were predictable--they got horny with whatever persuasion they happen to be--straight men turned on by couples or maybe 2 women, and gay men turned on by gay videos. But the women got turned on by everything--even bonobo apes doing it, so I felt a little bit better, lol. And now I have all these bonobo ape fantasies going thru my head and it's driving me crazy. . . But only the gay ones. Should I see a therapist?

[Gunny376]

Quit being sillly ~ Per the Kinsey Studies on Human Sexual Activitives ~ which was extensive and in depth involving thousands of people?

 

Approximately 66% of both male and females have bisexual/homexual fantaisies/thoughts at one time or another during their lives.

 

Doesn't mean they act upon them ~ just that they have them.

Some do and some don't. There's all kinds of socialization and religious condintioning taught from childhoood that is going on as to what is right and wrong?

 

I had all these visuals going thru my head as you can imagine and they were making me horny even though I do not fantacize about 2 men doing it

 

There's nothing wrong with that! Human sexualitry is complex Many women have sexual thoughts about two men being together ~ and more

[stepka]

Don't worry Gunny, I was laughing as I typed that--I really was being silly. I'm mostly recovered from all this and am just here to lend moral support. My 25th anniversary was on Saturday and he was on his way to the beach with his new friend while I suffered barely a qualm. I asked him what he wanted to do to celebrate our anniversary and he looked a little funny and asked me if I wanted anything. I said, "A divorce!" It's on the way. See guys--it really does get better with time.

[You Go Girl]

Stepka--you're hilarious. Those Bonobo apes--haha, I've seen their videos. They ALL do each other.

It would be difficult for me to get jealous in any way if a man left me for another man. I mean...what can be said? I simply don't have the 6 pack abs, near non-existant butt, and definitely no willy.

 

OP--just remember, starting something new will wreak havoc all over again with your emotions. Even if it's terrific! It will be rebound at this point, you'll feel crazier than a--a--I dunno. lol

Then you'll be dealing with the emotions of the separation and the emotions of the crazy new relationship.

I went there and now the guy wants to get serious. Imagine now what I'm up against, having to let him down when I finally get the courage. I am NOT emotionally available, not even if I want to be. Neither probably, are you.

[trippi1432]

Stepka--you're hilarious. Those Bonobo apes--haha, I've seen their videos. They ALL do each other.

It would be difficult for me to get jealous in any way if a man left me for another man. I mean...what can be said? I simply don't have the 6 pack abs, near non-existant butt, and definitely no willy.

 

OP--just remember, starting something new will wreak havoc all over again with your emotions. Even if it's terrific! It will be rebound at this point, you'll feel crazier than a--a--I dunno. lol

Then you'll be dealing with the emotions of the separation and the emotions of the crazy new relationship.

I went there and now the guy wants to get serious. Imagine now what I'm up against, having to let him down when I finally get the courage. I am NOT emotionally available, not even if I want to be. Neither probably, are you.

 

YGG - this is so true, it's taken me some months and a relapse, but I am enjoying being able to come and go as I please and answer to no one.

[stepka]

Even if it's terrific! It will be rebound at this point, you'll feel crazier than a--a--I dunno. lol

Crazier than a bonobo ape on ritalin? Yes, I agree, it pays to wait.

 

YGG - this is so true, it's taken me some months and a relapse, but I am enjoying being able to come and go as I please and answer to no one.

That feeling is priceless--I'm really beginning to see the charm. I had that relapse too and in many ways it was worse b/c by then the shock had worn off. Imagine a premenopausal woman ripping thru the house in a screaming rage and ready to cut her stbx's balls off if he would be stupid enough to stop by. Not a nice thing to see. (Thank the Lord I was alone in the house!)

[xpaperxcutx]

Well it's not like it was obvious when we were married, but here I was thinking I was a contented married woman of 23 years and then he dumped that one on me. Not funny. Not funny at all, and the thing is I couldn't really even be mad b/c I have my daughters and I'm crazy about them and I wouldn't have them--I'd have some others kids that might not be as great, or maybe no kids at all so I just had to suck it up at first and get mad later.

 

Crazy thing is, when he came out I had all these visuals going thru my head as you can imagine and they were making me horny even though I do not fantacize about 2 men doing it I can tell you. Then right after that I found out that there was a study done by a woman and she hooked up electrodes to men and women and showed them dirty movies and the men were predictable--they got horny with whatever persuasion they happen to be--straight men turned on by couples or maybe 2 women, and gay men turned on by gay videos. But the women got turned on by everything--even bonobo apes doing it, so I felt a little bit better, lol. And now I have all these bonobo ape fantasies going thru my head and it's driving me crazy. . . But only the gay ones. Should I see a therapist?

 

 

Stepka sorry about your ex, but about the gay fantasy thing--- you're not the only one. Actually, if you really have to know, there's this whole other subculture in Japan ( and in the US in recentyears) with women being addicted to yaoi ( literally. boyxboy sex). It's like this whole subgenre of japanese anime and manga involving- you guessed it- gay romance.

[trippi1432]

Crazier than a bonobo ape on ritalin? Yes, I agree, it pays to wait.

 

That feeling is priceless--I'm really beginning to see the charm. I had that relapse too and in many ways it was worse b/c by then the shock had worn off. Imagine a premenopausal woman ripping thru the house in a screaming rage and ready to cut her stbx's balls off if he would be stupid enough to stop by. Not a nice thing to see. (Thank the Lord I was alone in the house!)

 

LMAO!!! :bunny::bunny: Everything in my house is neutered!! Eeps!!!! The ex got to keep his balls though. :lmao:

[You Go Girl]

Crazier than a bonobo ape on ritalin? Yes, I agree, it pays to wait.

 

That feeling is priceless--I'm really beginning to see the charm. I had that relapse too and in many ways it was worse b/c by then the shock had worn off. Imagine a premenopausal woman ripping thru the house in a screaming rage and ready to cut her stbx's balls off if he would be stupid enough to stop by. Not a nice thing to see. (Thank the Lord I was alone in the house!)

 

Probably a bonobo ape on estacy. Not that I know what that drug is like! (Never been a druggie)

 

For me, it's been the fear of living alone. I've sabotaged that for many months. I'm working on it...it's slow going.

No desire whatsoever for any relapse anger, I know my anger is long gone. But then, I had 5 years of anger. Detachment is complete.

[stepka]

 

Stepka sorry about your ex, but about the gay fantasy thing--- you're not the only one. Actually, if you really have to know, there's this whole other subculture in Japan ( and in the US in recentyears) with women being addicted to yaoi ( literally. boyxboy sex). It's like this whole subgenre of japanese anime and manga involving- you guessed it- gay romance.

Meh. Honestly I don't have gay fantasies about men doing it I swear. Like can you imagine if someone you were married to for a long, long time suddenly came out gay and of course you'd have these unwanted visions of what they're getting ready to do and it's making you horny in spite of yourself? I no longer care what he's doing between the sheets but at first it was a shock and it was surreal.

 

LMAO!!! :bunny::bunny: Everything in my house is neutered!! Eeps!!!! The ex got to keep his balls though. :lmao:

LOL, everything in my house is female.

 

Probably a bonobo ape on estacy. Not that I know what that drug is like! (Never been a druggie)

 

For me, it's been the fear of living alone. I've sabotaged that for many months. I'm working on it...it's slow going.

No desire whatsoever for any relapse anger, I know my anger is long gone. But then, I had 5 years of anger. Detachment is complete.

So how is that going? Living alone I mean. Do you have children? It's a fear I share but one dd is still in high school.

 

But I feel bad--I've been hijacking the OP's thread and he has a very serious concern. How is he to get laid? Honestly don't know what to tell him--except that I do feel your pain. I mean that truly. The philosophical viewpoint says that this is the human condition--almost no one in the history of mankind, and esp before the 20th century, has ever gotten as much sex as they wanted. Even married people had to be careful if they didn't want to have 15 kids. And then when your wife got to be around 40 yrs old, you had to slow it down b/c you didn't want to be having babies in that 10 yr. period between 40 and 50 or whenever they had menopause. And then she hits menopause and is ready to go again but there's no viagra and you can see that maybe, just maybe you got some 5 times right after you got married and once every 2-3 yrs. after that til she hits 40. And that's it. We're actually doing pretty good b/c we have hope that it will happen again.

[xpaperxcutx]

Meh. Honestly I don't have gay fantasies about men doing it I swear. Like can you imagine if someone you were married to for a long, long time suddenly came out gay and of course you'd have these unwanted visions of what they're getting ready to do and it's making you horny in spite of yourself? I no longer care what he's doing between the sheets but at first it was a shock and it was surreal.

 

.

 

Ah gotcha.

 

Anyways Op, if you're still too married to get a girlfriend, it doesn't necessarily mean you're too married to date.

 

Like myself, I sometimes find relationships exhausting, so I date. A date or two ( with a third ending in sex) doesn't necessarily mean I'm ready to lose my single status. If a guy wanted it, and I wanted, then at least the both of us had our share of fun. I don't get hurt, and I don't necessarily see him again.

 

Maybe what you really need is a hookup.

[just_some_guy]

Maybe what you really need is a hookup.

 

Or a professional, LOL.

 

 

 

Sigh.

[You Go Girl]

Or a professional, LOL.

 

 

 

Sigh.

 

That sounds a bit upsetting to the value of women in the world. We're not trinkets.

[just_some_guy]

That sounds a bit upsetting to the value of women in the world. We're not trinkets.

 

I'm unlikely to go for a hook up or a "professional". Just not in me to do either.

[You Go Girl]

I'm unlikely to go for a hook up or a "professional". Just not in me to do either.

 

Sorry...interpreting isn't easy on here, besides, LS guidelines are to not preach but help. Guess I can't help but fight for women's respect.

 

Maybe there's a friend with benefits in your future? That too is a tricky road, but some claim success. Others find their feelings much more involved than they had intended.

But I do care that you don't slip into having sex with the stbx...collissal mind f**k with your own head, don't do it!

[just_some_guy]

Sorry...interpreting isn't easy on here, besides, LS guidelines are to not preach but help. Guess I can't help but fight for women's respect.

 

Maybe there's a friend with benefits in your future? That too is a tricky road, but some claim success. Others find their feelings much more involved than they had intended.

But I do care that you don't slip into having sex with the stbx...collissal mind f**k with your own head, don't do it!

 

 

I'm kind of curious how you reconcile "women's respect" and "not trinkets" and "friend with benefits" vs a "hook up" or a "professional" (ie, prostitute) at say a legal brothel in Amsterdam or Nevada?

 

I'm not criticizing, just curious as to the thinking?

 

Isn't it all varying degrees of the same non-relationship status sex partner?

 

I can't help it, the physical desire for sex is just part of being a normal human male. I want to get laid and I'm stuck in this limbo between marriage and divorce for the time being.

[You Go Girl]

I'm kind of curious how you reconcile "women's respect" and "not trinkets" and "friend with benefits" vs a "hook up" or a "professional" (ie, prostitute) at say a legal brothel in Amsterdam or Nevada?

 

I'm not criticizing, just curious as to the thinking?

 

Isn't it all varying degrees of the same non-relationship status sex partner?

 

I can't help it, the physical desire for sex is just part of being a normal human male. I want to get laid and I'm stuck in this limbo between marriage and divorce for the time being.

 

No, it's not varying degrees of the same thing.

Friends are just that. Consenting adults minus the infatuation high of a new 'love'.

I don't give a rat's arse how legal it may be somewhere to purchase sex, IT"S WRONG.

But at my age, I've given up on a debate on the subject. Either you see why it's wrong, or you don't, and I have no interest in educating anyone, or debating on it, not that I even know your stance on it, but you've asked for mine. Paying for sex is USING another human being for a sexual object. Against all my principles.

It seems that a friend with benefits is a real relationship, and that no one is used because it is openly agreed upon. Just friends who take mutual affection farther than the norm of a hug, or peck on the cheek.

I personally am sure I could not even have sex without being emotionally attached or at the very least extremely hot into the chemistry with a friend. But that's how most, not all, women think.

[just_some_guy]

No, it's not varying degrees of the same thing.

Friends are just that. Consenting adults minus the infatuation high of a new 'love'.

I don't give a rat's arse how legal it may be somewhere to purchase sex, IT"S WRONG.

But at my age, I've given up on a debate on the subject. Either you see why it's wrong, or you don't, and I have no interest in educating anyone, or debating on it, not that I even know your stance on it, but you've asked for mine. Paying for sex is USING another human being for a sexual object. Against all my principles.

It seems that a friend with benefits is a real relationship, and that no one is used because it is openly agreed upon. Just friends who take mutual affection farther than the norm of a hug, or peck on the cheek.

I personally am sure I could not even have sex without being emotionally attached or at the very least extremely hot into the chemistry with a friend. But that's how most, not all, women think.

 

Like I said, I wasn't criticizing, I was just curious as to where you were drawing the lines. Someone mentioned the idea of a "hook-up" and I (jokingly) responded with the "professional" comment. I wasn't sure whether you found the "hook-up" also objectionable, but not the FWB idea.

 

It seems clear that you draw the line at prostitution, legal or otherwise.

 

Honestly, all three seem empty and unsatisfying to me.

 

Maybe I'll change my mind on the "hook-up" or "FWB" idea. At the moment, everything seems to be off the table at the time. No nookie. Too married to fool around, too separated with too many strings to go back.

 

But of course, the desire is still there. I'm a mammal. What can I say?

[You Go Girl]

yeah, my personal beef with the sale of people. I don't even find the hook up that offensive. It's too consenting adults without the long history of abuse that leads a woman to prostitution.

But I don't want to sway you to do that hook up, fwb, or anything else, if you're thinking that too is beneath your standards.

Just don't do anything you'll regret later. Isn't that always the best advice for ourselves? Listen to that part of us that would 'parent' our behavior?

So you have a 'parent' or what did Freud call this in the mental circle--superego? that monitors behavior. The idea is to take the ID, ego, and superego, and have them find middle ground. The adult wins in decisions, the parent and child sides of personality both have only imput. A reconciliation of our 3 multiple personalities that are in all of us. The parent says absolutely not! The child says go for it! The adult makes the right decision.

My answer is don't do anything I won't respect MYSELF in the morning after. It goes without saying I respect the other person.

You know where your self-respect boundaries are. Mine, and everyone else's on this forum may differ.

Go with yours!

And I know just where you are at--I turned off my sexual side for so long that I was waking up in the middle of an orgasm every now and then. My sympathies

[just_some_guy]

Listen to that part of us that would 'parent' our behavior?

So you have a 'parent' or what did Freud call this in the mental circle--superego? that monitors behavior. The idea is to take the ID, ego, and superego, and have them find middle ground. The adult wins in decisions, the parent and child sides of personality both have only imput. A reconciliation of our 3 multiple personalities that are in all of us. The parent says absolutely not! The child says go for it! The adult makes the right decision.

 

My tendency is to fall into the "super-responsible" or parent role, deny myself joy, do a lot of self-sacrifice, care-taking, emergency responder, etc.

 

I've been working on this from a Jungian perspective lately (therapist is a Jungian). It all seemed kind of phony-baloney, but I have to admit, it has given me new perspective and some greater understanding of myself and how some serious, unresolved stuff has led me into unhappy situations.

 

Maybe there's something to it, but I can see some sense in the whole anima archetype way of looking at things.

 

My "child" was pretty well beaten down at an early age. I have a hard time allowing myself to have any kind of fun. I'm either adult or parent all the time. The child I was, learned at an early age to hang low and to steel himself up for the verbal and physical beatings to be endured. He's afraid to come out to play.

 

Maybe that's why this desire for sex is troubling me. Were I a bit more self-indulgent and embracing of exuberance, I'd just have me a lady-friend already to play with. I'm too wary of hurting someone else, the stbx-w, or potential lady-friend to let myself have some fun.

 

And I know just where you are at--I turned off my sexual side for so long that I was waking up in the middle of an orgasm every now and then. My sympathies

 

Well, I guess there's always sex-for-one. Wish I had soft hands.

 

At least I still have a sense of humor about it all.