ladydesigner Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Witsend, normally I wouldn't advise this but your case is extreme. Either you find some way to let the images and questions go, or have a revenge affair of your own, and tell her . More than the questions you have, is her unyielding sense of empowerment over you by not ever providing any answers. You are late at the post, but you need to take that power away from her, and show her you aren't the weakling she now thinks you are. Please don't have a revenge A. I did that and if you go back and read my past posts you'll see where that got me. I agree with You Go Girl with either letting it go or leave. Rehashing things over and over again would make me angry too. I would get tired of discussing the A at some point you have to let it die. Not only would I not let my husbands A eat me alive but I wouldn't stay if it did. You need to get yourself into IC first before MC then if you think you do want to work on your M then go to MC.
road Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Revenge affair is not the answer. It will only create more problems. The BS deserves to have all their questions answered. All the BS can do is to push until the questions get answered. Time does not matter. Whether the BS found out now that the A happened last night or twenty years ago. That the BS has not been able to let go is normal. It's based on their need to know is that strong.
JustJoe Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 A revenge affair is certainly not the ideal response, but the OP has to regain a certain measure of self-respect and control. His W has never repented her affair , has used this issue to control the OP's feelings. the OP must do something to show his wife the other side of the equation.
michaelhopes Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 (edited) Almost twenty years my ago wife revealed she had an affair.Without all the details I feel like I could never make a real informed decision as to whether I would have stayed or not.I still dont get it.....Why didnt you dump her 20 years ago? Details...Why the F would you need details? What would that possibly change? She was boinking some other man.......there's your details.... Were you just holding your family together for the kids? I understand that.If so, you're free now. Walk away and start a new life.......Or keep the one you've got because as far as I can tell she has been behaving herself since, unless you rehash it. If any man continually bases his happiness around a womans actions,words etc.. he's doomed, period. Ive been cheated on, Ive had my family destroyed by a self-centered whacked out woman.....I get that.....I dont understand the 20 years later hashing and rehashing thing..... I would hope after youve got the kids up and out of the house in one piece you wouldnt give a ratts asss about women anymore anyway. Dude there's a lot of world out there to enjoy. Edited May 26, 2010 by michaelhopes
samsungxoxo Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I dont understand the 20 years later hashing and rehashing thing.....We're on the same page and that's what I don't quite understand either. If the OP hasn't gotten more details he's been demanding for the past 20 years, why ask now anyways? The additional details aren't going to change the fact his wife bang another man. IMO I think it's years too late for this. There was always the choice of ending immediately (filing for divorce) at that moment but he chose to stay. I would laugh in someone's face if they brought up something I did more than 10 years ago. I suspect that would be the reaction coming from the OP's wife. At some point, overly mentioning the same subject through out the years gets tedious. Anyone would get frustrated.
JustJoe Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Samsung, I agree it's been a long time ago, but it WAS a six month affair, not a ONS. The wife has let out info in dribs and drabs over the years, to maintain her control over the OP. Yes , he probably should have left her immediately, but he didn't for his kids, and we also don't know if this was her only affair, either. IMO, this OP has a "free pass", to do anything to regain his self-esteem, even if it means a revenge affair. After all , why should she get to boink somebody else, and not him?
michaelhopes Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Because he's a man......and men don't pull that Krap
TaraMaiden Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 (edited) She told me about 18 years ago (Kid's Ages) 30, 27, 25 I love her, it would be pretty hard to think of Life without her Looks like it's pretty hard to think of life with her too..... Tara, the kids happened before the A, Yes.... what's your point? Why is that significant? and this OP isn't sure that it hasn't happened again. Also his wife hasn't completely come clean about the A ever. I agree that it's been a long time, I don't agree that it's all his fault, I didn't say that it's all his fault. I said that if he's still carrying this around after having lived a full and eventful life, the fact that he won't put it down is entirely his RESPONSIBILITY. that this issue isn't behind them. If his wife was more understanding and forth coming, instead of controlling, this likely wouldn't be happening now. How is she controlling? She dropped this years ago, and has moved on. if he hasn't then he's an idiot. What possible benefit is he deriving form continuing to slash this wound open? If indeed, he ever made any attempt for his own good, to let it heal in the first place....? because this.... I still dont get it.....Why didnt you dump her 20 years ago? Details...Why the F would you need details? What would that possibly change? She was boinking some other man.......there's your details.... Were you just holding your family together for the kids? I understand that.If so, you're free now. Walk away and start a new life.......Or keep the one you've got because as far as I can tell she has been behaving herself since, unless you rehash it. If any man continually bases his happiness around a womans actions,words etc.. he's doomed, period. And this.... We're on the same page and that's what I don't quite understand either. If the OP hasn't gotten more details he's been demanding for the past 20 years, why ask now anyways? The additional details aren't going to change the fact his wife bang another man. IMO I think it's years too late for this. There was always the choice of ending immediately (filing for divorce) at that moment but he chose to stay. I would laugh in someone's face if they brought up something I did more than 10 years ago. I suspect that would be the reaction coming from the OP's wife. At some point, overly mentioning the same subject through out the years gets tedious. Anyone would get frustrated. Are frankly, spot-on. If he's choosing to keep this crap bubbling, it's his problem the stew's burning. Not hers. Edited May 26, 2010 by TaraMaiden
dprtman09 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I can see why you call yourself "witsend". 18 years! Let go or get going. One of two things is true. A.) She is still involved with him and you know it. B.) She has not been involved with him for years and you need to get on with life. If A, good luck. You're not showing the strength to control your own life. That has to happen before you can regain your wits. If B, good luck. You're not showing the strength to control your own life. That has to happen before you can regain your wits. Get my drift?
JRoy Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I am curious about how you are managing the situation. If you have made any further decisions or had thoughts about proceeding to get full disclosure. After my wife's A ended and I moved back home, I asked for details of the A and was told by her that it was none of my business. And I have never asked again. We did the MC thing a couple of times since, when things got rocky. Little by little our marriage seemed to get better. But you know what? MC was because 'I' had the problem. Not so sure about that anymore. I seem to be regressing and thinking more and more of the details that 'were none of my business'. Just not so sure anymore. I would like to know how you are doing.
cyabye Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Actually, it really is simple. you either put the cr*p down, or you insist on continuing to carry it. I'm completely with YouGoGirl. Hell, this is a lifetime ago. If he hasn't let go of this, it's been transformed from an "us" problem into an "OP" problem. He's raised a whole family, lived a full and varied life, held a job and maintained a household - and he's still not past this? He needs serious help - and fast. "This isn't healthy" doesn't cover it. This is abnormal, and I'm astonished the OP hasn't acted on it before now. You see, if a person has an affair, and it all comes out and the couple decide to build on it and continue functioning together - it takes work on both sides to re-establish a balance. She's had three children with him, and they've stayed together. If he's still stuck 18 years back, then not moving on is entirely HIS responsibility, not hers. He may not be healthy in regards to letting go, however being his responsibility entirely is complete BS. For 18 years he's been trying to put this down on his own with NO help from his wife. I battled letting go for over 5 years and still have issues even though the mariage is over. From what you are saying, yeah she cheated, she confessed somewhat and now he needs to get over it or move on. That's pretty harsh toward him especially since he was the faithful husband and father. From what I read, she did NOTHING to help her husband rebuild his self esteem and make him feel like he was the MAN in her life. He feels like he is second choice as the affair did not work out. She only told him about it out of her guilt. From my experience, now that the kids are grown, I would divorce. You can possibly forgive but you will NEVER forget. I have come to realize that I never truly forgave my ex for all the cheating. You know what? I don't have to either. I am much happier without her as I found myself again. I think this tourmented man NEEDS to do the same. Cya
cyabye Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Looks like it's pretty hard to think of life with her too..... Yes.... what's your point? Why is that significant? I didn't say that it's all his fault. I said that if he's still carrying this around after having lived a full and eventful life, the fact that he won't put it down is entirely his RESPONSIBILITY. How is she controlling? She dropped this years ago, and has moved on. if he hasn't then he's an idiot. What possible benefit is he deriving form continuing to slash this wound open? If indeed, he ever made any attempt for his own good, to let it heal in the first place....? because this.... And this.... Are frankly, spot-on. If he's choosing to keep this crap bubbling, it's his problem the stew's burning. Not hers. Tara, regardless of why he stayed with his wife (children, afraid to be alone etc.) is irrelevent now. What he did was honorable and noble. He has trouble loving and trusting his wife the way it was before she guilt fessed. Plain and simple. You are being very harsh toward him when he is asking for help. His emotions are so mixed up with his decision making process that he is totally confused and probably has been for 18 years. To suggest he's and idiot is a direct attack and you are WRONG for saying so. Of course she dropped it years ago. She's the one that cheated. PERIOD. Cheaters do this. Just curious, are you a cheater as well? Your abrasive post toward him raises the question. He may keep it bubbling Tara, but she put the fire on. The wound never closed so there is nothing for him to reopen. It was her responsibility (even more than his own) as the WS to help him (no matter what it takes and how long) to heal the wounds that she has caused. PERIOD. It is now his responsibility to be true to himself as it's obvious she will not help her husband. The kids are grown. To the original poster, Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is this selfish? I wouldn't and won't. Cya
cyabye Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I am curious about how you are managing the situation. If you have made any further decisions or had thoughts about proceeding to get full disclosure. After my wife's A ended and I moved back home, I asked for details of the A and was told by her that it was none of my business. And I have never asked again. We did the MC thing a couple of times since, when things got rocky. Little by little our marriage seemed to get better. But you know what? MC was because 'I' had the problem. Not so sure about that anymore. I seem to be regressing and thinking more and more of the details that 'were none of my business'. Just not so sure anymore. I would like to know how you are doing. No JROy, you do NOT have the problem and it was ENTIRELY your business to know EVERYTHING. Not sure what your IC was telling you but I would drop that particiular counselor as they are blaming you for not getting over your wife's infidelity and your gut (intuition) is questioning that now. If I was told it was none of my business, I would have ENDED that marriage right then and there as it was over already. Funny how the BS are at fault for having trouble with forgiveness. I highly doubt the WS would even consider it as they are TOO selfish. Cya
Outcast Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Holy moses! I cannot believe how lousy the advice has gotten on these boards! People, it was TWENTY years ago!!!!! No wonder she's defensive if he cannot let go something that happened that long ago! You, OP, have serious problems and you need counselling. Finding out every detail won't heal you at all - and I'm appalled that people are encouraging you to do so. She did a bad thing once, long ago, and you have taken that bad thing and hit your own self over the head with it for all this time. This is right insane! You need to hie yourself to a counsellor stat and learn how to get over old injuries. Please ignore the people who are encouraging you to keep poisoning yourself by finding out more - I promise, that no amount of detail will make you feel any better. What you need to do is put the past in the past before you allow this to ruin the entire rest of your life. It is not her who is damaging you, it is you.
confusedinkansas Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I love her, it would be hard to think of life without her. I wonder how true this statement really is. 18 years is a very long time to hang on so tightly to this. You wanted all the intimate details? She wouldn't share? Can't say I blame her on that one. Could it be that she becomes "Angry" when you bring it up now....because it has been 18 years ago? Did the two of you seek out any counseling? (I'm not a fan, but it works for some) Looks to me as if you have two choices. 1) Move on with your life -Enjoy the rest of your years on this earth with a woman that probably loves you (or she'd have left don'tcha think) You are how old?____? (I'm guessing 40's) Do you really want to live the rest of your life holding on to something that happened so long ago? 2) Just divorce her now. You obviously have made a decision to never trust her again. Might put your both out of your misery. Hers' for your constant questions - & Yours because you can't seem to let this go. Paint the scenario............She spills every intimate detail of the affair (what she remembers - after all this time) Do you REALLY want to know??? Careful what you're asking for. My Opinion; if she hasn't done anything like that again, is a loving wife, takes care of your family, yadda yadda yadda - Then this is your issue. Yes she created it - but - Afterall, it was YOU who made the decision to stay.
TaraMaiden Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Tara, regardless of why he stayed with his wife (children, afraid to be alone etc.) is irrelevent now. What he did was honorable and noble. Oh please.... how is keeping wounds open,and letting anger, resentment and animosity fester, grow and multiply, for 20 years,. 'honourable and noble'....? The honourable and noble thing would have been to accept the confession, work through it and rebuild together.....Much like another couple on here have done.... Now what they did was honourable and noble...What the OP is doing is completely masochistic.... He has trouble loving and trusting his wife the way it was before she guilt fessed. Plain and simple. And whose problem is that? Remember, she's been slapped about with this for 20 years or so. How patient has she been with a frankly obsessive husband who refuses to move on and try to rebuild? You are being very harsh toward him when he is asking for help. For something that happened 20 years ago..... Are we really going to try to dig him out 'now', or dig him out 'then'? His emotions are so mixed up with his decision making process that he is totally confused and probably has been for 18 years. "The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past." That's what he wants. To change the past. Because evidence clearly demonstrates he has no desire to change his present or build on the fututre.... To suggest he's and idiot is a direct attack and you are WRONG for saying so. How would you describe somebody walking around with a millstone around his neck, when loads of people are telling him to "Put it down, you don't have to carry it! You can just roll it along with virtually no effort!" If he has had ample opportunity to set it down, but for reasons best known to himself, refuses to do so, and seems hell-bent on ruining his life by carrying it for good - what would you term a person of this ilk, to be, exactly? Of course she dropped it years ago. She's the one that cheated. PERIOD. Cheaters do this. She dropped it ages ago because the storu was out, the affair revealed and the episode over. How long does she have to be his whipping post for? Is there no limit or let-up? How long does she have to keep re-living everything even though it happened a lifetime ago? And why should she? Just curious, are you a cheater as well? No, not at all. Your abrasive post toward him raises the question. I see absolutely no reason why it should. it would take the subject off topic, and bears no relevance to the issue. Unless you're simply looking for a way to point a finger at me.... He may keep it bubbling Tara, but she put the fire on. She also put it out when it all came to light. There is a point where fanning the flames is pretty pointless, especially when the stew has cooked and gone.... The wound never closed All wouds close - if you let them. Keep picking at them, and it keeps bleeding... so there is nothing for him to reopen. That's his fault. Not hers. She was willing, able and committed enough to stay and make it work. he's the one who's been sabotaging it all.... It was her responsibility (even more than his own) as the WS to help him (no matter what it takes and how long) to heal the wounds that she has caused. PERIOD. 'T is part of the cure to wish to be cured. We have no idea what she did to help re-build this, but I doubt very much she is a cold. callous, heartless and self-centred witch if she's raised not one, not two but three children with him..... It is now his responsibility to be true to himself as it's obvious she will not help her husband. I would think she feels utterly done trying to help him! he has not really made her subsequent input at all clear, really, has he? The kids are grown. To the original poster, Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is this selfish? I wouldn't and won't. I think this is great advice. I think you should end the marriage. if only to give both of you respite from the constant reproach.... This waffle - (sorry, but that's as I see it.....) is neatly countermanded by someone who agrees with me, in this.... Holy moses! I cannot believe how lousy the advice has gotten on these boards! People, it was TWENTY years ago!!!!! No wonder she's defensive if he cannot let go something that happened that long ago! You, OP, have serious problems and you need counselling. Finding out every detail won't heal you at all - and I'm appalled that people are encouraging you to do so. She did a bad thing once, long ago, and you have taken that bad thing and hit your own self over the head with it for all this time. This is right insane! You need to hie yourself to a counsellor stat and learn how to get over old injuries. Please ignore the people who are encouraging you to keep poisoning yourself by finding out more - I promise, that no amount of detail will make you feel any better. What you need to do is put the past in the past before you allow this to ruin the entire rest of your life. It is not her who is damaging you, it is you. I agree completely! If he's held onto this for 20 years, nothing is ever going to stop him holding onto it for another 30! jeesh, talk about beating yourself up......
AIC Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 20 years on and still won't divulge details? that is just not right. Anyone saying get over it has no scruples after 20 years there is still no transparency that is utter bs I don't know why you'd go 20 mins let alone years I'd be telling her stop being a shifty secretive power hogging bitch and tell the truth or f off people think get over it? Ha ha what a joke no idea. Tell the truth. The truth. TRUTH. TRUTH. Anyone who says get over it doesn't value that word in my opinion.
confusedinkansas Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 20 years on and still won't divulge details? Seems so..........AND for 20 years he's let this fester. Who's fault is that?? Part of rebuilding a marriage after something like this is learning not to "Pick" at it!! ( I love the bleeding scab analagy - It's SO right on) Was what the original poster did "Honerable" - YES....in the beginning. But what he's doing now is not honerable by any stretch of the imagination. One thing we don't know here is whether the wife has been "Transparent" since the confession. Transparency does not just mean that she has to spill her guts about all the details, where they went, how they did the ACT. Being transparent also means that the OP should have access to emails, if he so chooses (I'm guessing that he's snooping anyway) Full disclosure on her whereabouts (he probably follows her).... I think the original poster has held on to this for so long he has no clue how to let it go. It's become an obsessive habit for him. IF she choose to tell all the intimacies now - My theory, Wouldn't make a hill of beans worth of difference to the original poster of this thread. He'd still find fault.
Chi townD Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I understand what the OP is saying. He never got the details of what happened. He constantly has "mind movies" going on and they won't stop. So, everytime he finds out something new, it's like finding out for the first time all over again and more mind movies. She is comfortable with this, she never had to answer to her wrong doings because the OP was a doormat. She never showed remorse or was even truely sorry for what she did. I would suggest that it's either tell me or I'm gone. She needs to be presented with the possibility that she can lose her marriage over what she did. No idle threats, tell me or lose me forever. I'm mean come on, you've been agonizing over this for two decades! That's not a way to live. Yeah, yeah "But I love her and I can't picture my life without her". If she truely loves you, she would tell you and then help you heal.
cyabye Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 No details = not acceptable because she is keeping secrets from you. Even "after" the affair--assuming you could really know it was over with--your wife willfully continued to emotionally injure you by keeping her affair secrets from you. You almost had a nervous breakdown yet she ignored your needs to keep her dirty little secrets. Pure selfishness on her part. She disrespected you and emotionally abused you. "Always." She tortured you with trickle truth down through the years. Each new revelation is like a new "d day." Your recovery clock starts from "zero" with each new revelation. Wow! Just wow!!!! She actually refused to identify the guy to you for what--10, 15 years???? During all that time she was protecting this guy. At your expense. OF COURSE you could not even START TO HEAL if she WAS PROTECTING THE OTHER MAN at YOUR EXPENSE. She didn't want the OM to suffer any consequences of the affair. SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU WHO HE WAS ALL THIS TIME, BECAUSE IN HER MIND AND IN HER HEART, HE WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU. So the pain she inflicted by the actual affair was continued and multiplied all these years. IGNORE those who are telling you to "forget it," it's "old news," "history." It's not any of those things. Your wife has severely emotionally abused you throughout this entire time period. It didn't "end" 20 years ago when the affair itself ended (you hope). The end of the affair was just the beginning of her emotional abuse of you. Most likely a lie/minimization by your wife. For all you know she could have had this affair going on for years. Since she kept his identity a secret from you until relatively recently the affair could have been continuing for all that time. Even if not physically, then emotionally, through periodic personal and telecommunications contact. I would definitely suspect that the affair did NOT end 20 years ago. (Sorry bro I know it hurts bad.) The ONLY reason not to divulge his identity to you was so she could maintain contact where and when she wanted to. Frankly I would be amazed that anyone subjected to what your wife has done to you, would have been able to do any healing at all. Wow. She's completely remorseless. No doubt at all in my mind you only know a fraction of what she's done affair-wise, the minimum she thought she could confess to you. There is much much more that she hasn't told you. Expose it. Take your life back and take your power back. Expose it. Your daughters are adults. You are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome my friend. Afraid to do what needs to be done because you fear public humiliation. Your wife has taken full advantage of your fear. The only way to resolve it is to put your foot down. First you expose it. To your daughters; your friends; your families; the OM's wife/family; to everyone. You gave your wife more than enough chance to make things right, 20 years, and she's never even tried. Then you tell your wife she must disclose ALL of it. ALL of it. Once and for all. All the love letters; all the emails; all the records; all the dirty little keepsakes that she probably has saved in a shoebox in the closet somewhere. EVERYTHING. She must write it down. And to ensure you are finally getting the truth, you insist on a polygraph test. A thorough one. And to put the cherry on top of the cake, you see a divorce attorney, and have a divorce complaint drafted. And you take the power in your relationship and tell that wife of yours if she does NOT do everything you demand, you will file for divorce. And then go ahead and do it. Call this b*tch's bluff. After all this time, call it. If she wants you, really wants you, then she has to respect you. And the ONLY way she will have a possibility of respecting you is by you showing her that you actually mean business this time. No crying, no shouting, no nervous breakdowns. DIVORCE. And don't be afraid of her wanting a divorce. Because if she'll divorce you rather than tell you the truth, you don't want to be married to her. She's been cheating you one way or another for at least the past 20 years anyway. Give her a chance to be a wife to you, after 20 years. And if not, set yourself (and her) free. She is DEFINITELY holding back on you, big time, with respect to "affair stuff" that's she's managed to conceal from you all this time. She knows that everytime she talks about it she risks blurting out something new that she's never told you before. THAT'S why you CAN'T HEAL. Dude, she protected her OM at your expense until only a few years ago. She wouldn't even disclose his identity!!! WTF. You have to assume she was still having sex with him, or at least still in contact with him, all that time. And that's a best case scenario. You are a victim in an emotionally abusive relationship and you have been taking this abuse for 20 years and continue to be abused at the present time, by your wife. Yes absolutely. Your wife has got you so turned around that you're not even asking the right question, which should be: "Should my wife be entitled to keep secrets about her affair from me for 20 years?" You can "feel" anyway you like about it, and so can she. But you are ENTITLED to the INFORMATION about her affair, the full information, so YOU CAN MAKE an INFORMED DECISION about the future state of your marriage. Such as whether it should end. Again my brother, where ever did you get the idea that you are not entitled to your own feelings? From your wife. From your emotionally abusive, remorseless, cheating, unrepentant wife. She has kept you down for 20 years. That's because your wife has never stopped lying to you including lying by omission/concealing info from you. She's been lying/concealing to you for the entire past 20 years. How can you reconcile when she hasn't ever stopped lying to you? Now you've got it. SHE knows that too. That's why she's been keeping you in the dark. It might be much much MUCH worse than you have imagined. (It usually is in these cases.) Most likely she continued cheating with the OM at least until she identified him to you, but maybe they just took the affair underground. She knew, but she simply didn't care. She still doesn't care. She's a cheater. A liar. A user. Right. She was protecting herself. From the consequences of her actions. As in, divorce. Since she is afraid of getting divorced, that's how you get what you want/need from her. Simply tell her if she doesn't tell ALL, backed up by a polygraph, she will DEFINITELY be a divorced woman come this time next year. CALL THE BLUFF. And if it's not a bluff, you don't want to be married to her, anyway. Dude it's eating you alive, but that's not because there's anything "wrong" with you. You're married to a harpy. I hope you meant you are open to any advice and don't get all defensive/in denial. You're in a deep hole here because 20 years have passed. But every journey starts with the first step. Hopefully yours will be to a real reconciliation, but if not, that will totally be within your wife's hands--whether or not she actually finally wants to be a real wife to you. Her choice. You just have to establish what the consequences will be if she continues her 20-year pattern of remorseless emotional abuse towards you. Good luck. Done arguing with you Tara Maiden! I agree with this poster 100%! Cya
TaraMaiden Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 yes...This is also the poster who believes a wife should be afraid of her husband, and whose thread discussing same was closed by a Mod, largely because it was a ludicrous argument on his part. Rewe4reel has some warped ideas at times..... But you're welcome to side with him. Of course you are. I simply think you'll find yourself in the minority...... Ok. Good idea. We'll agree to differ.
You Go Girl Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Well, he's still hurt. So he needs counseling, IC, to begin to find the way to let this not rule his life anymore. I feel bad for you that you've suffered so long. You do need relief, whatever form it may come in--IC, MC, divorce, whatever it takes. I'd start with IC. Maybe there is something else though here, that continues, albeit not the original affair. Is your wife someone who disregards your feelings regularly on other issues? Does she have the upper hand in the home life, to the point that you are disregarded? I'm wondering if it is not the original affair that is causing this agony to continue, but that he focuses on the affair, instead of ongoing dismissal from his wife. Is that a possibility, op?
White Flower Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 I've read posts for several weeks, I really am at wits end. My problem is a familiar one. Almost twenty years my ago wife revealed she had an affair. No details, just told me she cheated. In short I stayed because I love her and we had three beautiful daughters. I almost had a nervous breakdown (nausea, dizziness, weight loss) constantly imagining her with another man. I asked and asked her about the affair and she always refused to answer. Periodically I would go through bouts of anger and frustration begging her to talk to me and after much weeping whaling and knashing of teeth she would blurt out some detail. I figured out who the other man was several years ago and he is a scum bag, a sorry excuse for a human being. And my wife had sex with him for six months, a fact she blurted out during one of my episodes. Several times a year I go through times when it literally jumps all over me and I experience anger, frustration and hurt. I don't believe time heals all wounds. Mine are better, but not healed. When I do asked her why or tell her I would have done anything to save our marriage if she had only told me, she states that there is nothing I could have done. I have been non-disruptive as much as I could, my daughters and our friends are unaware of the affair and it will remain so. I need to resolve it, I am tired of the periodic way I feel. I sometimes get angry when I hear her cast judgment on anyone else who has committed adultery. I still want answers and resolution, she has told me she would give her right arm if it never came up again. I know nobody should be reminded of their inappropriate and selfish behavior forever ( I don't believe anyone should call an affair or infidelity a mistake, a mistake is made when in light of all the information a person has the outcome is incorrect. Like choosing the wrong tool for a job. Affairs in my opinion are selfish acts with a devastating effect on the other spouse.) and I would like some peace of mind. We have a good marriage but I still struggle and I am at my wits end asking for help and advice. My Issues I want to know where, when, what and why? Should I still feel that way after all this time? I wrestle with whether I am over reacting and should be over it. Again should I still feel this way after all this time? I don't believe we were ever truly reconciled. Without all the details I feel like I could never make a real informed decision as to whether I would have stayed or not. I wonder if she ever really felt how devastated I was and how much it hurt me. I think her behavior is selfish, in the past when I pressed her for answers she also stated she was protecting herself, but what about me? I am open to any advice, any advice. Thanks in advance for any help and hope.I have only read the first post so be patient with me. You still have doubts after all this time because you never got the truth. You never communicated and you were never really reassured that she woudn't do it again because you don't even know why she did it. I would suggest you both go to M counseling. This needs to be put to rest once and for all. She needs to learn good communication skills and perhaps you need to make it a safe place for her to tell you the truth. Do you yell, throw things, slam doors? How scary is it for her to confess everything to you? Maybe you are not the one she fears. Maybe it was her mother or father who scared her into keeping her truths to herself. We just don't know why people bottle up their emotions but it's not good for your M and this needs to stop. Good luck.
Author witsend Posted June 6, 2010 Author Posted June 6, 2010 I read all of the posts even the ones that roasted me. There will be an update soon as I gather all of my thoughts. I made my decision and carried it out. Details to follow.
Recommended Posts