2sure Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I was single mother with 2 major failed relationships behind me. A lot of dysfunction in my previous life, and not much of a support system. I just gave up even thinking I could have or should want a normal relationship. I dont know if its because I was bitter or because I didnt think I deserved one. I justified seeking out MMen by telling myself I didnt have enough to offer a single guy as far as time and emotion. But I still wanted attention and affection. In hindsight , I realize that being involved with a MM automatically excuses him from the typical obligations & expectations of a relationship . Without expectations - I could not be disappointed or hurt. Other advantages: Perpetual third date sexual tension/anticipation I had always been average everything, but as single OW I soon realized I was a special commodity and could seek out men I previously thought were out of my league. Because the MMen I involved myself in were "happily" married, the affair was an "extra" they felt they deserved. As such, they somehow convinced themselves that I was the best thing since single malt scotch. Disadvantages: Being a realist, it was sad for me to realize that if they were single , they probably wouldnt date me. They would take me on vacation, pay my loans, buy me jewelry...but I was still alone on sunday morning. Why I stopped being OW: All the ego feeding they gave me made me realize I was good enough, in fact: I was out of their league. What happened: Turned out to be true - I was completely capable of dating single men with the same attributes as MM. ( financially successful, attractive, high profile, all that crap). In fact I picked one and married him. Today: Turns out he was JUST like them. Serial Cheater. Divorcing in august. Karma? I dont know about you, but I believe. Having my ego fed
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 I assked my H this questiion and he said..it's much more simple than you make it to be...I told her I was unhappy,that I would leave, and anything she wanted to hear..It was not her I loved, but her nice appartment (clean and kid free) I could go and relax and not worry about the everyday worries we had....she had a good job, in a nut shell...If I really loved her..I'd be with her...period..he says it's his fault, she did'nt want to be the OW anymore, she was waiting for me to leave! I knew I never was.
reboot Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I think the thread question is flawed. I doubt many OM/OW actually start out wanting to be the OM/OW. I suspect it's much more typical they find themselves in that position, sometimes via poor judgment, sometimes not even intentionally, but not by some conscious decision that "I think I'll go bang me some married person today" (obviously this does happen with certain people, and we have proof via a few posters here, but I don't think it's the norm), and then, because they've developed real feelings for that person, they don't know how to extricate themselves from the situation. I really doubt many people just wake up one morning and say, hey, I think I'll go be an OM/OW today.
White Flower Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I think the thread question is flawed. I doubt many OM/OW actually start out wanting to be the OM/OW. I suspect it's much more typical they find themselves in that position, sometimes via poor judgment, sometimes not even intentionally, but not by some conscious decision that "I think I'll go bang me some married person today" (obviously this does happen with certain people, and we have proof via a few posters here, but I don't think it's the norm), and then, because they've developed real feelings for that person, they don't know how to extricate themselves from the situation. I really doubt many people just wake up one morning and say, hey, I think I'll go be an OM/OW today. Exactly. Thanks Reebs.
reboot Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Exactly. Thanks Reebs. But.... Que OWoman in 3... 2... 1...
2sure Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I have to tell you that intentionally becoming OW is not as uncommon as people apparently think. I know via real life, not just my own experience, that this is not uncommon. It is often intentional...not as in maybe "this particular MM"...but more like "I would like to meet a viable MM". I was not unique in that regard. Also - the fact that a woman does not automatically exclude a MM as unavailable to her...means he IS an option to her. Viable. So, accidentally becoming involved? No. I can tell you, I'm very very surprised by the number of people here who sincerely say they didnt mean for it to happen, it wasnt a choice. Originally I would call that a lie to yourself. But - I cant argue with what people personally feel...I'm just surprised. Ive made a lot of bad choices and being OW was one of them, picking a bad H another, etc. All decisions I made. Bad ones that I hope to learn from. If you are in circumstance that you are uncomfortable with, if a "mistake" has been made.....unless you realize it was a choice...how do you take anything away with you from that?
reboot Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Well, I didn't mean it was a mistake. A mistake is adding two numbers incorrectly on your income tax return. You don't mistakenly wind up naked with someone.
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 2sure makes some great points. It isn't all that unusual to target MM/MW as affair partners. I have a friend, single many years, who works in the political scene. She tells me most of the single and divorced women want the guy with the money and the power. If he's married? So what, if he's game. And maybe, just maybe, it will lead to something more, something permanent. Doubt they post her at LS though.
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 So I asked her..."Why not you?" And she replied: "I had real and substantial once. We did divorce for reasons that had to do with trust. But I loved him and he did love me. And half of these guys are 'players.' They pretend to have money. They pretend to have power. I see right through them. I want something substantial again." Lucky, lucky girl.
White Flower Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I have to tell you that intentionally becoming OW is not as uncommon as people apparently think. I know via real life, not just my own experience, that this is not uncommon. It is often intentional...not as in maybe "this particular MM"...but more like "I would like to meet a viable MM". I was not unique in that regard. Also - the fact that a woman does not automatically exclude a MM as unavailable to her...means he IS an option to her. Viable. So, accidentally becoming involved? No. I can tell you, I'm very very surprised by the number of people here who sincerely say they didnt mean for it to happen, it wasnt a choice. Originally I would call that a lie to yourself. But - I cant argue with what people personally feel...I'm just surprised. Ive made a lot of bad choices and being OW was one of them, picking a bad H another, etc. All decisions I made. Bad ones that I hope to learn from. If you are in circumstance that you are uncomfortable with, if a "mistake" has been made.....unless you realize it was a choice...how do you take anything away with you from that? Perhaps this is a case of if that was my intention that must be everybody else's intention as well? I'm not knocking you because many feel this is the way the world spins. But we must remember that we are all different. My experience was very different from yours but we ended up in the same boat whether intentional or not. What do I take away from the experience? Probably the same thing as you. Maybe less, maybe more.
Mombot Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Does the OW care what the wife is doing? Not necessarily. If the kids are gone, and he's gone most the time, either she's a very independent woman or has been through the cheating thing a lot... and her name is on the house, the cars, the bank account. She's winning.
OWoman Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Does the OW care what the wife is doing? Not at all, IMC. So long as she wasn't doing the kids more harm, or harassing his elderly parents, I was about as interested in what she was doing as I am in the finer points of trainspotting. No, less. Actually, a lot less. I'm sure there must be SOMETHING interesting about trainspotting, somewhere...
MizFit Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Not at all, IMC. So long as she wasn't doing the kids more harm, or harassing his elderly parents, I was about as interested in what she was doing as I am in the finer points of trainspotting. No, less. Actually, a lot less. I'm sure there must be SOMETHING interesting about trainspotting, somewhere... Absolutely agreed OWoman...the relationship is with the man and no one else. I have dated divorced men who have shared less of their kids and their lives than my MM does. If I'm enjoying the relationship as it is then I keep with it...if I get tired of things not progressing I end it. Very much as with the MM. His W is his concern in every way...if I happen to ask anything about his day she was involved in he tells me, we neither seek nor avoid her as being a topic. When I'm with him the time is with him...when we're apart the time is with me and my friends. I do have to admit that when I first realized I loved him it took a while to come to that in my own head, but I have. Emotions swing and vary in all relationships. I can honestly say I've been more curious of old girlfriends in some of my other relationships than I have of MMs W. I'm very independent and in all honesty I assume all women are...I know that's not the case, but I assume that till I hear or see anything to the contrary.
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 well whatever excuse there is, why not just be strong and no matter what this person tells you say to yourself...he's married do I really want his baggage..idk, so what you have feelings I love chocolate cake but I would'nt eat it everyday!
Brokenlady Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 well whatever excuse there is, why not just be strong and no matter what this person tells you say to yourself...he's married do I really want his baggage..idk, so what you have feelings I love chocolate cake but I would'nt eat it everyday! There isn't always logic to either side (BS or OW). OW sometimes have a hard time wrapping their brain around why a BS would want to stay with a WS. My DM told his xW repeatedly when they were still together that he was in love with me and while he loved her, they weren't compatible and he wasn't "in love" with her. (I have independent proof of this). So why, years post-divorce does she STILL pursue him? He treated her like crap an cheated on her for years, both behond her back and for over a year with her full knowledge. I can't wrap my head around that either.
bentnotbroken Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 There isn't always logic to either side (BS or OW). OW sometimes have a hard time wrapping their brain around why a BS would want to stay with a WS. My DM told his xW repeatedly when they were still together that he was in love with me and while he loved her, they weren't compatible and he wasn't "in love" with her. (I have independent proof of this). So why, years post-divorce does she STILL pursue him? He treated her like crap an cheated on her for years, both behond her back and for over a year with her full knowledge. I can't wrap my head around that either. She probably pursues for the same reasons you allow his abuse...she doesn't want better for herself. And he probably can't wrap his head around why either of you would want him, but takes advantage of what is offered up.
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