pollyanna22 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Is it really just an accident that a person wants someone who is married? I just don't get it, is because the man or women made the ow/om think they were really miserable, and made them believe things were over, or is their some satisfaction in being the ow/om. Is it an ego boost, is it a rush, Im curious as to what people think about all this maybe I should be on the ow/om threads, but I was really just curious.
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Is it really just an accident that a person wants someone who is married? I just don't get it, is because the man or women made the ow/om think they were really miserable, and made them believe things were over, or is their some satisfaction in being the ow/om. Is it an ego boost, is it a rush, Im curious as to what people think about all this maybe I should be on the ow/om threads, but I was really just curious. ---------------------- I believe it's almost always an accident .. The OW/OM may think it happened when they were already miserable in their lives or feeling incomplete - but I think they are made to feel this way, and it is not necessarily so.. When a MM enters one's life it can make the OW feel a rush, an excitement.. The other side is that the OW/MM relationship can give the OW a feeling of being dependent and unwhole - because she is relying on someone for her happiness, an individual who can only be there for her, on his terms - because he belongs to another..
Author pollyanna22 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 tx for you reply, idk, I could never do that to another human being, and I'm not just saying that because I was betrayed, I just could'nt hurt someone like that. I use to think it was because I was to "good" to just be the OW, but since I'm staying with my cheating husband , that would be kind of hypicritical!
califnan Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 tx for you reply, idk, I could never do that to another human being, and I'm not just saying that because I was betrayed, I just could'nt hurt someone like that. I use to think it was because I was to "good" to just be the OW, but since I'm staying with my cheating husband , that would be kind of hypicritical! --------------------- Thanks for staying with your cheating husband.. God will bless you for it..
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I have tried to wrap my head around this too. Some are lonely and flirtation turns to attraction which seems to turn into "we never meant this to happen, we just fell in love, or lust." It's secretive and forbidden, and some find the illicitness really juices up the hormones and the sex. Women, who are sexually satisfied by a man, release hormones similiar to heroin, which makes then emotionally bond to a man, or "fall in love." it also prevents them from seeing his true character, or the reality of the situation. But the sex is off the charts. When a man is desired by a new partner, one he is experiencing attraction and sexual tension with, he too bonds to her because the sex is off the charts. If he is a man of some means, they might love the gifts, trips and candlelight dinners they would otherwise be unable to afford. Or maybe they just like the attention from a proven alpha male: One that has already proven he securely support a family and spouse in a long-term relationship. Or they may really love him and hope for a future with him. He will allow them to entertain these ideas, sometimes for years. Sometimes, the affair partners do leave their spouses for each other and live happily ever after. These are called exit affairs and are very rare. Most OW/OM who are in love with their affair partners all hope it their relationship is an exit affair.
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 PS: But in all honesty, I believe despite all the heady hormonal excitement, it is often a lonely and somewhat demeaning life: waiting for the phone to ring, the emails, holidays alone and no matter what he tells you, trying to believe he does not sleep with his wife or enjoy their family life. So I think ultimately, that would destroy my self esteem: Knowing I wasn't top banana, having to hide somewhat, and having to share a man who wasn't often able to be with me. Or maybe, I just had some low self-esteem to begin with. Not sure.
StoptheDrama Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I have tried to wrap my head around this too. Some are lonely and flirtation turns to attraction which seems to turn into "we never meant this to happen, we just fell in love, or lust." It's secretive and forbidden, and some find the illicitness really juices up the hormones and the sex. Women, who are sexually satisfied by a man, release hormones similiar to heroin, which makes then emotionally bond to a man, or "fall in love." it also prevents them from seeing his true character, or the reality of the situation. But the sex is off the charts. When a man is desired by a new partner, one he is experiencing attraction and sexual tension with, he too bonds to her because the sex is off the charts. If he is a man of some means, they might love the gifts, trips and candlelight dinners they would otherwise be unable to afford. Or maybe they just like the attention from a proven alpha male: One that has already proven he securely support a family and spouse in a long-term relationship. Or they may really love him and hope for a future with him. He will allow them to entertain these ideas, sometimes for years. Sometimes, the affair partners do leave their spouses for each other and live happily ever after. These are called exit affairs and are very rare. Most OW/OM who are in love with their affair partners all hope it their relationship is an exit affair. Great post, Spark! You are very wise individual Polyanna - there are probably as many reasons why AP become involved in A's as there are AP. As Spark ilustrated so brilliantly, many times the AP are vulnerable and a 'friendship' blossoms into more. This is exactly what I experienced. Going into it, I never thought I'd become involved in an A but, it is only recently that I have come to realize that my 'friendship' had become an EA long before it ever turned physical. There are also many AP who are deceived initially as they believe their new significat other to be single. By the time they realize they have been deceived, many are emotionally involved and ending the relationship is very difficult. That being said, there are also AP who seek out married partners because they do not want a full-time relationship. I've also read about AP who intentionally seek out a particular married partner as they want what another person has. In reality, there are numerous reasons why people become AP but many often don't want the role of OW/OM.
jennie-jennie Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Polyanna, I have been the OW for four years. I never intended it to be for this long. I thought my MM would be able to choose between his wife and I. It never entered my mind that a man could be so in love with a woman and still choose to stay married. In our case we were in love already as teenagers, so when my MM contacted me 31 years later the old flame rekindled and it was as if our love had never died. I cried for a week when I learned he was married. The emotions between us were and are incredibly strong. So I never wanted to be the OW, I never wanted to be with a MM, I just was already in love with this man from my past.
Katerina Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I've been wondering about this forever... the sex part. HOW on earth the OW can NOT mind sharing a man sexually???? Does she truly believe MM's marriage is always so awful and he and his W don't have sex? This just blows my mind. I was disgusted (and still am) to learn that my H was sleeping with both me and his A... How can AP not mind this?
BB07 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Is it really just an accident that a person wants someone who is married? I just don't get it, is because the man or women made the ow/om think they were really miserable, and made them believe things were over, or is their some satisfaction in being the ow/om. Is it an ego boost, is it a rush, Im curious as to what people think about all this maybe I should be on the ow/om threads, but I was really just curious. I can only tell you what I know for sure about what happened to me, but with that said I don't think my situation was typical. My former MM and I had a huge attraction to each other from the day we met but we were both too afraid to act on it. At the time he was not married, and I was in a relationship. Move ahead a couple of years and I was out of my relationship and he was engaged and during those years we did not become close friends, more like casual friends. I was still terrified to let him know of my attraction to him and he hadn't done anything about his attraction to me, so that was where life was. I took a vacation, did some soul searching, decided to let him know how much I wanted to get to know him, take a chance. I came back.....to find him married. I was crushed but said congratulations, we kept our distance. 8 months later he was separated and I thought to myself.......I am not going to let him get by me again. So there we went....the hell with common sense. 2 months into it, he tells me he has to go back, because of had told her he would if she fixed the major issue that had caused the split. So he returned....I was devastated, didn't plan on seeing him, nor him me, but we were weak. I didn't think the would stay in the marriage long, but he felt torn between obligations and no I'm not silly enough to think he didn't care for her. Other events happened in his family and his life that were very stressful so a decision about the marriage got put off to the back burner. I became more and more unscrewed in some ways, was torn between loving him and the situation driving me nuts.....I was not a priority, what I got from him was not enough. It was hell in my head. The more time went on, the more doubts I had about his feelings for me and the more I doubted him. I couldn't go on loving and wanting a man that I had to share. Finally after 1 1/2 years I couldn't handle it anymore, so I walked. Low self esteem......yep I had it. Pain I didn't deal with, yep I had it. Guilt, feeling like I did something wrong......yep I had that too. Me walking away happened about 5 years ago. Now....he and I are dating each other and this time around we started out a whole lot cleaner, he had been separated for 8 months but it's still been very complicated and hard almost 2 years later. It's a LDR.....his stbx has been a real pill about the financial aspects of the divorce. The man I got involved with in-between was emotionally abusive and pretty much stalked me for over a year after. Some circumstances have changed positively lately so we are getting on a more even keel. Whew! Do I regret the affair part of it.....yes. Do I regret loving this man, no, but our timing sucked and it was our fault for screwing it up. So much of this pain and baggage could have been avoided. PS: But in all honesty, I believe despite all the heady hormonal excitement, it is often a lonely and somewhat demeaning life: waiting for the phone to ring, the emails, holidays alone and no matter what he tells you, trying to believe he does not sleep with his wife or enjoy their family life. So I think ultimately, that would destroy my self esteem: Knowing I wasn't top banana, having to hide somewhat, and having to share a man who wasn't often able to be with me. Or maybe, I just had some low self-esteem to begin with. Not sure. Spark.......as I said above, your post was right on the money.
BB07 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I've been wondering about this forever... the sex part. HOW on earth the OW can NOT mind sharing a man sexually???? Does she truly believe MM's marriage is always so awful and he and his W don't have sex? This just blows my mind. I was disgusted (and still am) to learn that my H was sleeping with both me and his A... How can AP not mind this? I did not sleep with my MM and I didn't ask if he was sleeping with his wife, just assumed he was.
califnan Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Me walking away happened about 5 years ago. Now....he and I are dating each other and this time around we started out a whole lot cleaner, he had been separated for 8 months but it's still been very complicated and hard almost 2 years later. It's a LDR.....his stbx has been a real pill about the financial aspects of the divorce. The man I got involved with in-between was emotionally abusive and pretty much stalked me for over a year after. Some circumstances have changed positively lately so we are getting on a more even keel. Whew! Do I regret the affair part of it.....yes. Do I regret loving this man, no, but our timing sucked and it was our fault for screwing it up. So much of this pain and baggage could have been avoided. ----------------------- BB, has your MM become free, now..
White Flower Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Is it really just an accident that a person wants someone who is married? I just don't get it, is because the man or women made the ow/om think they were really miserable, and made them believe things were over, or is their some satisfaction in being the ow/om. Is it an ego boost, is it a rush, Im curious as to what people think about all this maybe I should be on the ow/om threads, but I was really just curious. No, it is not an accident, but I didn't set out to 'want' someone who was M either. He said he was unhappy. I believed him. I knew I was unhappy, so why wouldn't I believe another could be? Is there satisfaction in being the OW? I could never say that. I can only say there is satisfaction in knowing he loves me, is there for me especially when I need him, but not because I am the OW. I think I always saw him as potentially my own one day. It was never about enjoying the A; it was about enjoying the R and each other. There is a rush anytime you fall in love; it doesn't have to be because he/she was M. I don't get off on the illicitness and I hate not being able to go anywhere with him and have to watch who might we run into. You might get more answers on the OW/OM forum. A lot of us try to stay out of this one.
BB07 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Me walking away happened about 5 years ago. Now....he and I are dating each other and this time around we started out a whole lot cleaner, he had been separated for 8 months but it's still been very complicated and hard almost 2 years later. It's a LDR.....his stbx has been a real pill about the financial aspects of the divorce. The man I got involved with in-between was emotionally abusive and pretty much stalked me for over a year after. Some circumstances have changed positively lately so we are getting on a more even keel. Whew! Do I regret the affair part of it.....yes. Do I regret loving this man, no, but our timing sucked and it was our fault for screwing it up. So much of this pain and baggage could have been avoided. ----------------------- BB, has your MM become free, now.. As in divorced no...but as I said separated for over 2 years. A agreement is very close to being in place in regards to finances and such. That has been the hold up. The divorce will follow very soon after.
Samantha0905 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 BB, thanks for sharing your story. You guys have been through a lot. As for me, the first time I met XAP he smiled, I smiled -- nothing sexual -- just a first smile connection. It really was just like that. I was like, "Hey." He's like, "Hey." And oh no is what we both should have thought. As time went on, he flirted a bit. I flirted a bit. It went on for months like grade school -- "Hi." "Hi." (smiles and furtive glances) before we even became more talkative and friends. Later, it became more adult-like as far as the flirtations. He actually said (whispered) to me once, "If you were single, I'd tear that up" while he was looking me up and down in a sexual manner. Later he tried to claim he never wanted to have an affair with a married woman. So, it's not like I held him up at knife point as I've said.......
Samantha0905 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I did not sleep with my MM and I didn't ask if he was sleeping with his wife, just assumed he was. And to add to this -- I did not sleep with my husband (and still haven't for that matter) while I was sleeping with XAP. Not everyone is sharing.
Brokenlady Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 they may really love him and hope for a future with him. He will allow them to entertain these ideas, sometimes for years. Sometimes, the affair partners do leave their spouses for each other and live happily ever after. These are called exit affairs and are very rare. Most OW/OM who are in love with their affair partners all hope it their relationship is an exit affair. I second this. In my case, I was a close friend to my MM, and after my marriage ended, and I became aware of how unhappy he was in his marriage, our relationship quickly went in a direction we hadn't anticipated. I never wanted to be the OW. I really believed he would leave before it became a physical affair, and certainly by the time we did become physical. I had already left my marriage and so I didn't "get" why it was so impossible for him to do the same. It carried on behind his wife's back for years before he finally left and they divorced. I was never happy being the OW. I felt second best, disposable. But somehow he always convinced me that being patient with him would be worth it, that we would be happy together the "right" way. He also did a god job of convincing me that I wouldn't be able to do any better than him-- because he wanted me to be there for him - he couldn't leave his xW without my support, apparently. (It wasn't hard to do this because of chronic depression). The longer the affair went on, the more of a downward spiral it became - "I've already waited this long, what's a few more months" and then of course, a few more months, and a few more months. Bottom line - I think most women end up over their heads in A's before they realize what's happened. I think most do not enjoy the experience. It is interesting though that fair number of BS's whose WH's leave them go on to be OW. I'm not sure what that's about, but it does happen. My DM's exW s a classic example of this.
OWoman Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 IIt is interesting though that fair number of BS's whose WH's leave them go on to be OW. I'm not sure what that's about, but it does happen. How interesting! My H's xW started out as the WS, and later became the BS. Now that he's left her, I wonder if she'll go on to be an OW, making a complete set?
OWoman Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Women, who are sexually satisfied by a man, release hormones similiar to heroin, which makes then emotionally bond to a man, or "fall in love." it also prevents them from seeing his true character, or the reality of the situation. But the sex is off the charts. I guess I'm not a woman, then... I can tell the difference between crash-hot awesome universe melting sex, and love. I had plenty of the former in my As, and I certainly was sexually satisfied, but did not fall in love with any of those men (except my H, but again - that was a lot later on, and I was certainly not blineded to his true character or the reality of the situation). But then - I wasn't looking for love in my As - I was looking for (and found ) crash hot awesome universe melting sex. Perhaps people find what they're inclined to look for? PS: But in all honesty, I believe despite all the heady hormonal excitement, it is often a lonely and somewhat demeaning life: waiting for the phone to ring, the emails, holidays alone and no matter what he tells you, trying to believe he does not sleep with his wife or enjoy their family life. My As were nothing like that at all!! I was certainly "top banana", and the MMs were the ones waiting by the phone, ready to be summoned at a moment's notice, hoping to be the one I'd happen to fancy. My holidays were never spent alone - they were spent with whoever I chose to spend them with (which may have been a MM, or may have been family, or friends, depending on my mood.) I think people get what they settle for - if an OW is willing to put up with being treated as Spark describes, that's what she'll get. But if she insists on being No 1, settling for nothing short of what she wants, then she'll get that (and if the MM is unwilling / unable to provide it, she accepts the A at her own peril! Some OWs do, hoping things / he will change, but I'm not one of those! I want things my way, or I'm not playing!)
jennie-jennie Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I've been wondering about this forever... the sex part. HOW on earth the OW can NOT mind sharing a man sexually???? Does she truly believe MM's marriage is always so awful and he and his W don't have sex? This just blows my mind. I was disgusted (and still am) to learn that my H was sleeping with both me and his A... How can AP not mind this? In the beginning I did not mind sharing my MM sexually, since I was still having sex with my SO. But when I ended that relationship 1 1/2 year into the affair, I did mind. But it was no worse than having been the BS of a serial cheater. At least with the MM I was not taken by surprise when it happened AND I knew who the woman was, not different women from time to time. The marital sex became less and less frequent until it finally died out a year ago. I do believe the BS does not really mind because she had become less interested in sex already the years before her H's affair. But it is strange that she never inquires about it. So now we are sexually exclusive with each other, which is of course what I prefer.
Brokenlady Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I've been wondering about this forever... the sex part. HOW on earth the OW can NOT mind sharing a man sexually???? Does she truly believe MM's marriage is always so awful and he and his W don't have sex? This just blows my mind. I was disgusted (and still am) to learn that my H was sleeping with both me and his A... How can AP not mind this? This isn't always the case. I only slept with DM with the understanding that he was no longer sleeping with his xW. I saw emails from her complaining tha they hadn't had sex in years. Of course, I later discovered that he was still getting BJ's from her after we became physical (supposedly just to stop her from constantly harrassing him about lack of sexual contact) for several months. I absolutely mind. It makes me ill to think of it, much as I'm sure it makes her ill to know he was sleeping with me when she was doing the BJs. What i find more mindblowing is that he was able to do that. I don't think i could sexually share myself with two people at the same time, and it really bothers me that he did so with such apparent ease.
White Flower Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 And to add to this -- I did not sleep with my husband (and still haven't for that matter) while I was sleeping with XAP. Not everyone is sharing. As soon as my EA turned PA I couldn't be with my exH either. Just couldn't do it.
White Flower Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I've been wondering about this forever... the sex part. HOW on earth the OW can NOT mind sharing a man sexually???? Does she truly believe MM's marriage is always so awful and he and his W don't have sex? This just blows my mind. I was disgusted (and still am) to learn that my H was sleeping with both me and his A... How can AP not mind this? Sometimes the stories are just to sensational to dream up on your own (MM's story). Add in back up from someone who knows, an intimate insider such as the BW's best friend and you have verification. Sometimes we really do know what is going on in the bedroom and of course, sometimes we don't.
MizFit Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 tx for you reply, idk, I could never do that to another human being, and I'm not just saying that because I was betrayed, I just could'nt hurt someone like that. I use to think it was because I was to "good" to just be the OW, but since I'm staying with my cheating husband , that would be kind of hypicritical! Many people will disagree with me, but never say never. I had a dad who was a serial cheater and a husband who cheated on me. I was 47 when I met my MM...I'd spent a lifetime of telling married men to bugger off back home and make things right or get out. Then I fell...I knew he was married...I knew everything...I knew he would never willingly leave the marriage. But I fell in love...every good decision I'd made and every bit of moral high ground was gone...some people call it a fog or that it's all hormone and endorphin related...we fell in love. I never felt I was too good to be an OW...I just had so little respect for anyone who would actually cheat I couldn't see where they had any redeeming qualities whatsoever and could never rise above the level of scum for me. Then I met my MM and for many reasons entered the affair and for even more have remained. Will I forever...nope...but like other women on here I have a full life. I had lunch today with someone I've gone out with a few times...I had a really nice relationship over the winter with someone. The thing is I've not met anyone who has knocked MM out of my heart and until I do this is where I am. I also don't wait around for him...I have an active social life and a busy work life. I'm out more than I'm in and it works out fine...I would actually say he's a bit more bothered by some things than I am at times. I am having a 4th of July party he won't be at...me and about 25 of my favorite Brit friends doing bbq and karaoke...hes gutted, but that's his choice. He knows better than to surprise me and just show up because I'll more than likely have a date. So...sometimes it does 'just happen'. I made the decisions along the way to continue, but I fell in love totally out of the blue.
MizFit Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 As far as the 'sharing'...I'm sorry, but if you think that single people don't actively sleep with multiple partners you're sadly mistaken. I tend not to, but I can tell you there are many men and women in my age group (late 40s) who aren't remotely interested in settling down to an exclusive relationship. To me having a MM and maybe seeing a person on a semi regular basis is a pretty tame sex life compared to many of my acquaintances and friends. Now if I were the BW there'd be all heck to pay...wouldn't happen. Well...it would till I found out about it and then it wouldn't...
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