Co-dependent?

[SamSang]

Hello,

 

I am a 27 year old who has been in a relationship with a 22 year old college student for the last 8 months. She is my first serious gf in a couple of years and for the most part it's great.

 

Lately though, certain things have started to arise that have me second guessing. When school got out for the summer, I assumed my gf would have worked out a place to stay. Her parents live in a town about 30 minutes away but she hates staying there, so she has been staying with me about 4-5 nights out of the week. This would not really be a problem but my gf is a loner and doesnt have much other than school going on, so I never really have anytime to myself when I'm not at work. I don't know how to broach this topic without hurting her feelings. I would be fine with it if she had a job or some friends to hang out with, but I'm worried that she is starting to become a little codependent. I have introduced her to all of my friends and their gfs, but she hasnt really struck up any new friendships with them.

 

Then there is the fact that she went through my computer history while I was not around. I don't have anything to hide but she got upset about emails with former gfs that predated our dating. She has also asked me about females that comment on my fbook. I have not seen or contacted these people in months. It's frustrating.

 

So how do I respond to this? She is in intensive therapy for her own stuff (OCD, depression) and I don't want to push anything over the edge.

 

Thanks for opinions,

SS

[brainygirl]

Get. Her. Out. Of. Your. House. Now.

 

Seriously, she's practically moved in, she does nothing but go through your stuff and she's jealous of people you knew before she knew you . . . she's got maturity and mental health issues and you really don't need that.

[shadowplay]

^I disagree with the extreme sentiment of the poster above.

 

I don't think this situation is necessarily unsalvageable. If you really care about her and you guys have a strong connection and foundation, you very well may be able to work through this and build a more healthy relationship.

 

Let me ask first, though -- how important is she to you? Is it worth going through some work to make the relationship viable? Can you see yourself spending your life with her (assuming some of these bad habits change)? How much do you share in common? How long have you been together?

 

As you describe her, she sounds like me at my worst. I'm also a loner who has, at times, become overdependent on boyfriends. I also have some OCD related things. The good news is she's in therapy, so she's willing to change her bad habits. She's young and has the capacity to change a great deal.

 

You really need to broach this stuff with her and lay it all out there, but in a sensitive manner. Bear in mind she's well-aware of these problems, but is probably in some denial about what kind of effect they're having on you. Express your needs to her, but also frame it in terms of her needs. Tell her you're concerned about how healthy it is for her to be isolating herself and relying on your for all of her social life. If you don't communicate this stuff to her, it will just build up inside of you until you break and end up hurting her. It's better to be honest, and try to work through this problem together. Also make sure to communicate that you love who she is and don't want her to really change on a fundamental level, but certain habits of hers need to change in order to make the relationship viable. Also ask her in the same conversation if there's anything that she needs that you're not giving her. If her requests are reasonable and not based in irrational jealousy or whatever, let her know you'll work on those things too. You can help her somewhat, but this work needs to be done mostly by her or it's not going to happen. Give her time to work on this stuff. If time passes and her habits still don't change, then you have to reevaluate whether you want to continue the relationship.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 23, 2010 by shadowplay

[You Go Girl]

She's really leaning on you far too much. She's dependent--not codependent. You however, could become codependent if it goes on like this for a long time.

I think suggestions are in order to get her out of your house sometimes. For example, suggesting she join a club or something. Suggestions won't humiliate her like sitting her down and telling her she's leaning on you too hard would.

Then go out with your friends without her. It's a guy's night out. If she freaks on you, then yes, she needs to be told point blank that she can't run your life just because she's in it.

That lonely night when you're out with the boys might remind her that she needs her own life, which she apparently hasn't one.

[amiableamy]

Introduce her to Meetup.com. They have stuff like watching movies and then discussing them and there's loads of events. She's bound to find someone she likes.

 

And tell her to stop going through your stuff. That's just ridiculous.

[lofi_tokyo]

 

I don't think this situation is necessarily unsalvageable. If you really care about her and you guys have a strong connection and foundation, you very well may be able to work through this and build a more healthy relationship. If you don't communicate this stuff to her, it will just build up inside of you until you break and end up hurting her. It's better to be honest, and try to work through this problem together.

 

 

Shadowplay, I'm guessing you improved because you WERE dumped and hurt? I'm only making that assumption because that's what it took to wake me up from whatever problems I was having two years ago. I sounded a lot like this girl, and you know, I think my ex really tried. He wasn't perfect, and maybe he didn't care as much as someone really dedicated would have, but still, I think no matter how much effort he put in, it took me losing him for me to really begin to evaluate my decisions and actions.

 

You make breaking up and hurting her sound like a horrible thing - but sometimes that is what is necessary (I really believe that). Sometimes its so easy to just rest reassured that the person you're with will stick around to work through things, and this reassurance allows one to be lazy and not really improve. It is only when you're really on your own and forced to take a cold hard stare at yourself that you decide to change.

 

You can help her somewhat, but this work needs to be done mostly by her or it's not going to happen. Give her time to work on this stuff. If time passes and her habits still don't change, then you have to reevaluate whether you want to continue the relationship.

 

 

^^

I do agree with this entirely. Its gotta be her own willingness to change.

[SamSang]

First off,

 

Thanks for all the insight to what's happening with my lady and I. I left out a couple of things and I think they are worthwhile to mention. My gf suffers from trichotillomania (which is an OCD symptom where one pulls/plucks their hair when stressed out or upset). She does it to her legs and she is so beautiful and it hurts me really badly to see the damage (however minimal) she does to herself. Whenever I want to express something or get frustrated or about to unload, I think about her locking herself away and doing harm to herself.

 

I got her to go to her parents house tonight to have some alone time. I really do care about her. The laughter between us is great, the sex is fantastic, she's fairly go with the flow, but she can't take anyone poking fun at her(in a jovial way) and is intimidated by other women (no matter how sub par to her I.M.O. they are).

 

It's been 8 months and up until the invasion of internet privacy and the constant lodging with me, I was in heaven.

 

I also neglected to mention that she still hangs out with her ex from time to time. She lets me know of course, but given the jealousy shes shown from simple emails from the past and harmless fbook posts by my friends, I think that it's a double standard. I don't care if she hangs out with him, I just don't see why she can't realize she's being hypocritical.

 

Once again, thanks for letting me know I'm not an ******* or wrong for thinking I should reconsider where this is going.

 

Thanks,

SS

[lofi_tokyo]

I really like how you describe how deeply you care for her. Gosh, that's awesome to read.

 

 

I also neglected to mention that she still hangs out with her ex from time to time. She lets me know of course, but given the jealousy shes shown from simple emails from the past and harmless fbook posts by my friends, I think that it's a double standard. I don't care if she hangs out with him, I just don't see why she can't realize she's being hypocritical.

 

 

I think what may be going on here is two things:

a) She's very insecure and needs people to care for her and reaffirm her actions - an ex is the perfect person to do this. It's like single girls (ack I was one of them once!) that flirt with multiple guys or go on dates with many guys at once not because they're looking for a partner but because they need the romantic attention. She needs to feel desirable (even though I am sure you're doing a great job, her insecurities could be getting in the way of that).

b) She sort of wants YOU to get jealous. This one's trickey. If you get too jealous she'll probably become upset that you're controlling, but you know how she's freaking out about your ex's? Its because she's terribly afraid of losing you. By telling you whenever she hangs out with her ex - it may sound like she's trying to keep drama down, but I suspect she's also using the opportunity to see if it sparks some emotional trigger on your end. If she's getting upset about exs, she may want you to act jealous as well, to reaffirm her need to be desired.

 

Does that make sense? I don't know her, so don't read too much into what I'm saying - if it doesn't sound like your partner, then please ignore this post. However, based on my own experiences both around people like this and looking at who I have been in the past, I think my read of her is fair.

[shadowplay]

First off,

 

Thanks for all the insight to what's happening with my lady and I. I left out a couple of things and I think they are worthwhile to mention. My gf suffers from trichotillomania (which is an OCD symptom where one pulls/plucks their hair when stressed out or upset). She does it to her legs and she is so beautiful and it hurts me really badly to see the damage (however minimal) she does to herself. Whenever I want to express something or get frustrated or about to unload, I think about her locking herself away and doing harm to herself.

 

I got her to go to her parents house tonight to have some alone time. I really do care about her. The laughter between us is great, the sex is fantastic, she's fairly go with the flow, but she can't take anyone poking fun at her(in a jovial way) and is intimidated by other women (no matter how sub par to her I.M.O. they are).

 

It's been 8 months and up until the invasion of internet privacy and the constant lodging with me, I was in heaven.

 

I also neglected to mention that she still hangs out with her ex from time to time. She lets me know of course, but given the jealousy shes shown from simple emails from the past and harmless fbook posts by my friends, I think that it's a double standard. I don't care if she hangs out with him, I just don't see why she can't realize she's being hypocritical.

 

Once again, thanks for letting me know I'm not an ******* or wrong for thinking I should reconsider where this is going.

 

Thanks,

SS

 

 

 

First off, it sounds like you guys have a really great foundation of love and companionship. That means that there's good potential for the relationship to grow and move past these problems. Not saying things will necessarily work out, but there's definite hope.

 

The more you write about her, the more I can understand how this all fits together. Trichotillomania often goes hand in hand with body image issues in women. Is she also really down on the way she looks? Does she have any features of Body Dysmorphia Disorder? (I've struggled with both in the past, so I can relate). I totally agree with the poster above that she hangs out with her ex for validation because her self esteem is so low. It makes her feel attractive and desirable. The good news is she probably has no feelings for her ex, but she's basically just using him for validation. So I wouldn't worry about her getting involved with him.

 

But you do have a right to be upset by the unfairness in her being so jealous with you despite the fact that she hangs out with him. Have you pointed out this inconsistency to her? How does she respond?