nolagurl07 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 So Ive had this friend for the past 7 years and over those 7 years weve had our moments of "benefits." When we first became friends we talked all the time on the phone for hours like best friends. We did everything together. He moved away and occasionally i would go fly and visit him. Weve always kept in contact all these years. I listened to him bitch about his past relationships and vise versa. Whenever he broke up with a girl it was like he was on the phone with me right away and we would talk about how we wished we could be together. For years, ive built up in my head this epic love story about how when he finally returns home he and I will get our chance b/c we were meant to be. Hes finally moved back home and now thats hes home its like things are so different. All this talk of us being together hasnt happened. He told me hes trying to get settled and hes not looking for a relationship. What the hell thats it. The other nite we went out and saw a movie. I told him well i mean just cuz were not together doesnt mean we cant still be friends weve been friends for years. He told me he felt like we never have real conversations and that its always been about one thing. Then later that nite he sat there and held my hand telling me about something really personal. Im so confused. I thought we were friends yes weve had our moments of benefits but not always its like hes forgotten what we had. The end of the night comes he kisses me and i told him that its still there that chemistry b/w us that has never went away and he agreed but like he said hes not looking for anything right now. Yet he wanted to have sex that nite. I feel so disrespected i feel like our whole friendship has never been a real one and that i built up all this love for him and its like im a piece of ass. In the past hes told me hes loved me too but it never seems like it was the rite time. I just figured one day well get it rite. He seemed sad when i dropped him off at his truck and i told him no we were not going to my house. He kept asking to come over to my house all nite. The next day I sent him a text and said that he was wrong about us and that I dont do friends with benefits anymore b/c i think i deserve better than that but i did tell you how i felt so atleast you know. He didnt respond to my text nor call in the past 3 days. Im so upset i feel like these past 7 years were a waste and that he never cared at all. I feel like writing him a good bye email i have so much i want to say to him but I dont know if i should just continue with my no contact and see if he calls after that nite or write the email and let go.
ADF Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Do not write that letter. You say you have visions of some epic love story playing out between you and this friend. That is because like most women, you regard a loving, committed LTR as the ideal situation. But what you need to understand is this: from the male POV, a loving committed LTR is NOT the ideal situation. For men, FWB is the ideal situation. In a FWB relationship, a guy gets everything he would get from a real relationship--affection, sex, companionship--but WITH NO STRINGS. For men, FWB is the ultimate win/win, have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too situation. Once a man gets you in a FWB, he will NEVER want to change things between you. And why should he? He is already getting everything he wants--for free! You need to move on from this man and find someone else. By giving him "benefits" in the absence of a relationship, you've pretty much insured he'll never want a real relationship with you. For him, that would a step backwards from what he really wants.
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