not sure what is happening at all!

[EthanH]

Hi,

 

Sorry if this is long but I feel I have to give the whole story in order for you guys to understand. Some have told me to take some of my own advice more. I can see the value of that. I have been told so many times to move on, to stick to NC, to start seeing the reality of the situation. I have fought against that advice, even though I would probably tell someone in my situation exactly what you have been telling me.

 

And it isn't just on here either. Mutual friends have all been bewildered that I didn't just throw in the towel...it has been 3 months since we initially broke up and have half got back together before. I don't think it was due to stubbornness or even desperation. I just felt all along that I had an idea what she was thinking.

 

Last week she had some very important exams. One of my friends, who I have spoken to about this probably more than anyone was visiting, and decided to speak to her. They ended up speaking for about 3 hours, as according to him, despite her initial reservations, she opened up, and he said he got the impression she had a lot of stuff which she had bottled up for a long time. She came back and spoke to me afterwards, and at that point nothing had changed, but my friend told me that she was in a really bad way and he thought it would be beneficial to both of us if I said to her I was there as a friend if she needed to chat (she told him that she feels like I'm the only one she can speak to about how scared she is about her degree/future)

 

So I did, I went to see her when she was revising, just to give her a hug, I didn't want to speak about anything apart from how she was. It was her who wanted to speak to me about things. Something which is completely different to how things used to be. It used to be that I would push things, that I would speak more than her (sometimes she could think of nothing to say)... I had just come to the conclusion that it was pointless trying to persuade her and anything I did say seemed to come across as me trying to do exactly that. She told me she was scared because she just felt like she wasn't ready for a relationship and felt that it wasn't really as if she was choosing to make a decision, it was something which was there and wouldn't go away. I think in hindsight, this pushing of responsibility is just her way of not having to think about what she was doing. She is making a choice.

 

The first time I saw her to wish her good luck, I gave her a massive hug and was going to leave, but she wanted to sit and talk...it was her who wanted to hold my hand etc. She was also pretty upset, crying in short bursts over and over, and when I left she was in tears. She sent me a text 10 minutes later to ask if we could meet for coffee the next day after her exam.

 

We met, but it was such a nice day that we decided to go to a beer garden for one drink and then went to sit in the grass in a quad of one of the university buildings. She flirted, but it was kinda timid flirting as I think both of us were a bit unsure about what the other was thinking. I held back. i didn't want to do something and be told 'that's too much etc'... but eventually I just kissed her on the lips, it was just a peck but her reaction showed me that she wanted it to happen. We lay on the grass for a little longer and then I kissed her properly and she kissed me back... I said sorry after, I guess I was still unsure as to if I had pushed things, but I guess it was also because I wanted to know what she was thinking. She said that she wanted it to happen just as much as I did. But as we left the quad and walked back into town, the one thing she kept saying was that she didn't know what to do. It was said in a way of trying to get me to reassure her, but the problem was that when we were going out, I reassured her so much about things that now, she gets warning alarms in her head when I do that, even if I am correct in what I'm saying. She also said 'the annoying thing is that you know how much I like you'...

 

For the next few days we exchanged texts, usually initiated by her. On the friday she had her final exam, and asked me to meet on the thursday when she had a break from revision. We ended up having a meal together and when the waiter asked about what we wanted to drink, she asked for a large glass of wine, I wanted wine also, so she just suggested we get a bottle between us. The conversation was good, but when she spoke about us, I just shut off...she finds this weird as I was always a guy who was open about things and spoke too much if anything. It is so difficult as we are so close to each other, and for most of the meal the way she looked at me, I knew she knew what I was thinking. At one point I held her hand on the table. She was fairly tipsy afterwards, but still herself etc. She said she wanted to go for a walk which she had been shown by a friend (a girl) the day before. We did, and we made out in the woods for about an hour. It was her who wanted the closeness, and kept asking me what she should do... I just said, that I didn't know, that I still liked her but she had to make her own mind up. She kept saying she was scared. I walked her back to where she was revising.

 

When she was finished revising, she phoned me when she was walking home to ask if I would walk with her (she walks past my place on her way home) and I said ok, but then she had a change of heart, and got annoyed with herself on the phone and told me she was nearly back anyway. This is classic behaviour for her: as soon as she feels needy, she rebels against it. I think it is the main thing which stops her from thinking she is ready for a relationship of any kind. I texted her and said there was nothing wrong with asking me to walk her home. She replied back saying that she was really grumpy/tired/stressed etc and that she just wanted to do what would hurt both of us least. Also that nothing made sense. And then 10 seconds later she asked me to walk over to hers to give her a hug for '10 mins'... I know some will think i was weak to walk over there, but I know the exam she had the day after was something which will ultimately have a large impact on her future. As soon as I got there, we hugged and then hooked up. Afterwards, I asked if she wanted me to go, as I knew she struggled to sleep in her single bed when there were two of us... she thought about it for quite a while but then said she thought i should go as she knew she would be stressed/tired in the morning and didn't want to take it out on me. So I left.

 

She gave me a few mssgs on friday, the last of which was about 6, before she was starting work (p/t at a restaurant)... I had asked her if she was going out that night after work to celebrate finishing exams, and she said she might do, depending on when they locked up. The last text was sent just as she was going back and the last thing in it was 'speak later'...I went out that night, and she came up to me on the dance floor with a gay guy she works with, introduced him to me and then started dancing with him. I didn't really know what to do, so I walked out, but not in an angry way or anything. Then when she lights went on at the end of the night, I saw her over the dance-floor and she stuck her tongue out at me. Saw her outside the venue and she asked me how I was, I can't even remember what my reply was. The gay guy came up to her again and she said she was off to hang out with him. That was friday night, and I haven't heard anything from her since then.

 

I have no idea what to do. This time was different as she was straight with me about how she feels. I just have no idea how to stop her from being scared. I think that is something she is going to have to come to conclusions on. I know I can't do anything. One thing I have learnt throughout this is if i push things, she runs away. However, it is so hard to just sit around when even by her own admission, she wants to get back with me but is just scared. I haven't contacted her. But term finishes in about a week, and while I know both of us will probably stay around her for about a month, I have no idea how to judge the situation. The more I try to reassure her that her doubts are ok to have, the more scared she gets that she is out of her depth. It is so difficult knowing things are genuinely on a knife-edge...

[Chochobong]

Either she's all in and with you, or she's all out and not. Seriously, it's that easy. Put up some boundaries, put your foot down and stop tolerating all this BS and excuses from her. All the little nuances and details don't mean crap.

 

She doesn't want to be 100% with you right now and you can't convince her otherwise. So not considering her....what is going to make YOU happy right now (since you can't have 100%). Either you're willing to accept less than 100% and continue to ride this emotional roller coaster, or you can get off and focus on you and finding someone better.

[Chochobong]

Stand up and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" to your situation. I know I did with my ex-wife and her one foot in and one foot out to our relationship. I am wholly better for it and feeling freedom and positive energy. It's unavoidable that it will hurt and that you will think about her, but it will past, and you will come out better for it. You will reflect back to your situation and say "Why did I do that to myself, I should have gotten out sooner".

[EthanH]

thanks for your reply...

 

it is just difficult, because I have been told over and over and over by people that I should give up/move on etc etc and yet the things I have said to her about how I thought she felt/the things I said to friends about it were true...and to be told for so long that i should just accept it was over, and then have her tell me she still liked me but was still scared is tough to take. My instinct is to contact her, but I know I cannot.

 

The other thing is, I don't want her 100%... she asked me after I stayed at hers why i still want to be with her despite everything, I think her instinct is that it shows how madly in love I am with her, almost like my emotions rule my every action,... but the way I tried to explain to her, was to say that I just know I like her, some says I like her more than others, some days less...but while I have the fears, while I'm scared that it wouldn't work as well, while I have hated the last 3 months which have been so difficult, ultimately it still comes down to the fact that I like her still, and that is the main thing for me.

[Chochobong]

You have the power to change your situation. The question is, are you strong enough and have enough self-respect to take action.

 

"Information, without implementation, leads to depression"

 

You are giving sound advice to others, but you fail to take action in your own situation.

[EthanH]

because the way i see it, on here, yes there is good advice, but I have been told so many times that I should move on, and it is what i would suggest to someone in my position... but we all know, 99% of the time, things aren't as simple as that, and if i had followed most peoples advice, maybe i would have 'moved on' more, but I would still wonder, and the last week where she moved a lot from the last time we spoke, wouldn't have happened. The simple fact of her saying she wanted to get back with me, she knew how much she liked me, but was still scared is something which I would never have thought she would have said a few weeks back. So yes, I agree, your advice is sound, but I don't think it is something I should act on, as I think it is more complicated than that...

[EthanH]

"You will reflect back to your situation and say "Why did I do that to myself, I should have gotten out sooner"."

 

see it is comments like that which confuse me about this site, yes, in your experience it was the right thing to do, but you cannot say it would work for everyone...

[Stephie]

Do whats in your heart. Everyone is different, every relationship is different, everyone is full of advice. Do you know how many people tell me to move on, forget, it will never be. Something wont let me yes I know I have to do whats best for me and keep on going and I do but I still fight for him. We had some huge mountains to over come when we were together and neither one of us were mature or strong enough to handle these. I know with all my heart he is my soul mate and I think he knows that too but we both know that trying right now would just end in heartache again. Let her figure out what she needs to do and you do the same and if it is meant to be love will always find its way back. People aren't cold hearted after a break up there just confused they play in there mind over and over is this suppose to be? No its not suppose to be, maybe if I do this, maybe if they do that. Its human nature so when I read on here about the games and bs exes play I don't agree they are just as confused as you are and some are just as hurt.

[EthanH]

when you say mountains that you have overcome... i totally agree... i mean, she broke up with me 3 months ago, she told someone on friday that she has coped and thus she knows the feelings that she wants to get back with me are for the right reasons...ie that she wants to rather than needs to. That is a massive realisation for her...

[Chochobong]

"You will reflect back to your situation and say "Why did I do that to myself, I should have gotten out sooner"."

 

see it is comments like that which confuse me about this site, yes, in your experience it was the right thing to do, but you cannot say it would work for everyone...

Everyone's advice comes from their own experiences. I chose to give my advice because there are elements in your story that remind me of my experience with my ex-wife. No, it is not the same situation, and you can choose to take or not take our advice.

 

As I said before, I think you have all the information you need. With each new post from you I just see more details of how she's confused and giving you the run-around.

 

I don't think you've completely disconnected/detached from her long enough to gain a truly, hard objective (non-emotional) assessment of your own situation with this girl. It will most likely give you a new perspective.