nadiaj2727 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 A couple days ago I read a post that said something like, most of the APs on the OW/OM forum are unhappy, because the happy people in affairs are too busy having great sex to post on LS. Or *something* along those lines. For some reason I've been thinking about this (IRL, lol) a lot. I don't know if it's true that there are happy APs out there and most people only come to LS when they're unhappy. That could very well be true. But it seems to me that most of the OWs who post on LS are unhappy, in that they want their MM to leave the BS and be with them, or they feel stuck in the relationship and want to get out but get getting sucked back in, etc. This saddens me. What's even worse is that it seems to me that most of the unhappy APs (whether they are the spouses cheating, or the OWs) who have posted on LS are women. It is rare for me to see unhappy OMs posting here, and even rarer for me to see unhappy MMs. This makes me think, at least from my experience reading on this forum in LS which has been for quite some time, that men are basically happy with the affair situation and woman are basically unhappy with it. Affairs seem to benefit men and hurt women. I don't know if my obsersation is true and I am wondering what others think. For some reason this really saddens me and I'm hoping I'm missing something. ETA - maybe I should have posted this in Infidelity instead of OW/OM, not sure.
delirious Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 No, it is just that most MM are not capable of communicating like OW are. They are too busy trying to compartmentalise and therefore cannot discuss it on an open forum. Just that some are in touch with their emotions enough to be able to do that. In my affair my MM has been more unhappy than me but would never dream of telling a stranger that but block it out and then have a meltdown. Typical man really.
bentnotbroken Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I couldn't say for sure whether that is the case, but I don't see either being benefited that much in the end. But hey, you know appearances are deceiving.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 No, it is just that most MM are not capable of communicating like OW are. They are too busy trying to compartmentalise and therefore cannot discuss it on an open forum. Just that some are in touch with their emotions enough to be able to do that. In my affair my MM has been more unhappy than me but would never dream of telling a stranger that but block it out and then have a meltdown. Typical man really. This is sooo true..from a mans POV..
jennie-jennie Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 (edited) The men are more prone to be split between duty and love. They have it in them to take care and provide for the woman they married. For them romantic love is not obviously what is most important in life. So I believe men are more prone to be stuck in limbo with both a marriage and an extramarital relationship. This does not mean they are happy with the situation, they are just unable to figure out what to do, other than stay in limbo. A woman is expected to take care of her children. This is not in conflict with getting a divorce and marrying a new man. Usually she can bring the children with her into the new marriage. And to her romantic love is most often what is most important. Thus OW are more common than OW. It is as simple as that. Generalizations, yes, but a lot of truth in them. MM who are presently in an affair and dare to post on LS must be very brave and have a very tough skin, because they are likely to get flamed and condemned. So their absence on LS is not strange. Edited May 23, 2010 by jennie-jennie
jenifer1972 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Most MM are too busy chowing down on at least two different varieties of 'cake' to worry too much about it. Meanwhile, the OW wishes and dreams and hopes for the day when she is the only 'cake' he wants. I know, simplistic, but none the less true from many posts here.
jennie-jennie Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 My post should of course read: Thus OW are more common than OM. It is as simple as that. Generalizations, yes, but a lot of truth in them.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 jennie-jennie..you are so correct also...I was in a PA for 1 year and it would have never crossed my mind to tell anyone anywhere...even though as you state 'being in limbo' I relate that in my case as being a very guilty phase in my life..I've always told my wife she was the smartest person I know..I believe you can use generalization on this topic.
jj33 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Nadjia I think you are right - in a majority of cases, the OW posting here are unhappy. I think the A is harder on the AP than it is on the MP. But that being said I think it does impact many MP negatively. Very very few people can live a double life without feeling some angst. And even fewer are happy about the fact that they feel (for whatever reason) that they need to go outside of their marriages to get their needs met (whether or not this is true). All in all I think most people would prefer to be happy with their lives as they are and not be cheating whether its because they are unfulfilled in themselves or whether they are in a marriage and for whatever reason feel that they cant leave. As for the AP, most if not all AP who do want more than an A would prefer to have fallen in love with someone who could build a life with them.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 All in all I think most people would prefer to be happy with their lives as they are and not be cheating whether its because they are unfulfilled in themselves or whether they are in a marriage and for whatever reason feel that they cant leave. so true..jj33
pureinheart Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Men hurt a lot more than they communicate...I have many opinions in this area and most are political. I think men are misinterpreted greatly.
Woggle Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I don't think they really benefit anybody in the long run. Men might be able to keep up the lie for longer but eventually it all comes crashing down.
jthorne Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I don't think they really benefit anybody in the long run. Men might be able to keep up the lie for longer but eventually it all comes crashing down.I agree, Woggle! Now, let me ask a related question- This thread assumes the man is married and the woman single. I've noticed a lot more posts lately where BOTH AP are married. Who gets the most benefit then?
Woggle Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I agree, Woggle! Now, let me ask a related question- This thread assumes the man is married and the woman single. I've noticed a lot more posts lately where BOTH AP are married. Who gets the most benefit then? Not every case is the same but in most of them it seems the man just wants some quick while the woman is head over heels and ready to destroy everything over some slick player so mostly the man benefits.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 IMHO...If a MM who loves his wife but was having issues in the marriage for awhile, and wasn't the pursuer, and the single female kept chipping away at him (remember his marriage has issue)..he gives in...feels guilty beyond belief..yes it will have some kind of ripple effect...but if the MM is the pursuer then IMO he will not feel remorse since he was the pursuer then he is a scumbag..
Fallen Angel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I do not think anyone "benefits" from an affair. People certainly benefit from loving relationships, but if anything the affair dynamic is hurtful to that loving relationship in that it does not allow the relationship to flourish into all that it can be. While on the surface it may appear that the MP gets all the "benefits" and the OP gets the agony; I assure you that many MP, who find themselves torn between real love with their OP and the duty and commitment (and even love) they feel towards their spouse and family, feel real pain at the conundrum in which they have placed themselves. They feel guilt for hurting both their spouse and their OP. They feel anger at themselves for not being able to do better for the people they love. They feel torn between doing what they feel is right and what they feel they have to do in order to be happy for themselves.
Fallen Angel Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 IMHO...If a MM who loves his wife but was having issues in the marriage for awhile, and wasn't the pursuer, and the single female kept chipping away at him (remember his marriage has issue)..he gives in...feels guilty beyond belief..yes it will have some kind of ripple effect...but if the MM is the pursuer then IMO he will not feel remorse since he was the pursuer then he is a scumbag.. He gives in because he was persued relentlessly and could not resist? I don't buy it. He may feel guilt afterwards, and honest remorse for his poor choices, but let us be real. It was his choice. I was in a horrible marriage for far too many years. I had ample opportunity to have an affair and was "persued" relentlessly by many men over the years. Despite my many maritial issues I was able to resist temptation and NOT fall "helplessly" into bed with my persuers. When I realized that my friendship with My Sweetheart was no longer simply a friendship but an emotional affair, I was honest with my now ex-husband and separated and later divorced. Let us not shift the blame away here, please. The man who does the persuing of outside intrests while in his marriage is no more or less a "scum-bag" than a man willing to say that he was "tricked and persued into it". Unless of course he was held at gunpoint in which case it would be rape and not an affair.
sally4sara Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I couldn't say for sure whether that is the case, but I don't see either being benefited that much in the end. But hey, you know appearances are deceiving. I can't remember the poster's name, but one MM use to post on here about the effects of the fog ruining everything else in his life. How he was always either stressed over being caught or stressed over how to find more time with his OW or stressed because he couldn't focus on his job or kids. He no longer could enjoy time with his spouse either due to feeling guilty or it making it harder to put in time with the OW. He was a wreck and didn't sound like he was getting as much out of it as his OW.
BB07 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I can't remember the poster's name, but one MM use to post on here about the effects of the fog ruining everything else in his life. How he was always either stressed over being caught or stressed over how to find more time with his OW or stressed because he couldn't focus on his job or kids. He no longer could enjoy time with his spouse either due to feeling guilty or it making it harder to put in time with the OW. He was a wreck and didn't sound like he was getting as much out of it as his OW. ' There was a recent poster over in the infidelity section who shared a lot of his angst. See here and there was another one who who shared his confusion also, but I can't find that thread right now. IMO, unless the men (assuming MM) are serial cheaters they go through their own private hell also, but most men don't talk about it on forums such as this as easily as women do.
Heather1 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 IMHO...If a MM who loves his wife but was having issues in the marriage for awhile, and wasn't the pursuer, and the single female kept chipping away at him (remember his marriage has issue)..he gives in...feels guilty beyond belief..yes it will have some kind of ripple effect...but if the MM is the pursuer then IMO he will not feel remorse since he was the pursuer then he is a scumbag.. Hmmmmm...I was heavily pursued for over a year & he left because of guilt. I wanted nothing more than the A. Maybe he was just done? I don't know. He's been throwing out the "friend" bone & I'm not biting. So in my case I'm unhappy because I wanted just the A, but wanted to be treated decently too, and he couldn't do that.
White Flower Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) A couple days ago I read a post that said something like, most of the APs on the OW/OM forum are unhappy, because the happy people in affairs are too busy having great sex to post on LS. Or *something* along those lines. Not sure I said that, but I think I said most OW/OM only post during sad periods of their life just as they would in their journals. When we're having fun, we're too busy having fun and often don't write about it in our journals, though we should. This makes me think, at least from my experience reading on this forum in LS which has been for quite some time, that men are basically happy with the affair situation and woman are basically unhappy with it. Affairs seem to benefit men and hurt women. I don't know if my obsersation is true and I am wondering what others think. For some reason this really saddens me and I'm hoping I'm missing something. ETA - maybe I should have posted this in Infidelity instead of OW/OM, not sure. It's a good question anywhere:). I happen to believe that men are happy in general (unwilling to admit/communicate unhappiness in order to keep the status quo) and women are happy in general (but willing to admit/communicate unhappiness in order to PREVENT the status quo--the one they recognize going in a bad direction). This is true whether being M, S, or in an A. Women communicate more, therefore point out the flaws of any R quicker. Just ask any H. No, it is just that most MM are not capable of communicating like OW are. They are too busy trying to compartmentalise and therefore cannot discuss it on an open forum. Just that some are in touch with their emotions enough to be able to do that. In my affair my MM has been more unhappy than me but would never dream of telling a stranger that but block it out and then have a meltdown. Typical man really. Add to the compartmentalization the layer of distraction; the need to always 'be happy' in order to make the status quo over there an even balance for him (not that we accept this at all) because that is why he wandered in the first place. Posting in an open forum, taking the worst of the darts brings his focus on the pain, the 'communication' he must get at home already, and not get the distraction and 'happiness' he needs from the A. Once we OW figure this out, trust me, he hears about it and doesn't need (or want) LS to magnify it for him! (Though we wish he would come here anyway). IMHO...If a MM who loves his wife but was having issues in the marriage for awhile, and wasn't the pursuer, and the single female kept chipping away at him (remember his marriage has issue)..he gives in...feels guilty beyond belief..yes it will have some kind of ripple effect...but if the MM is the pursuer then IMO he will not feel remorse since he was the pursuer then he is a scumbag.. Scumbag or Lil Devil who gets the pat on the back from the guys at work? The guy who brings all the sweet gals in for the other guys to drool over. This was my guy for years before I knew him. I threw in his face all that you just said and guess what? He's pretty remorseful now! He gives in because he was persued relentlessly and could not resist? I don't buy it. He may feel guilt afterwards, and honest remorse for his poor choices, but let us be real. It was his choice. And this was why I couldn't hold MM completely accountable on his own. I had a choice to ignore him and walk away. I didn't. I own that. Edited May 24, 2010 by White Flower
White Flower Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I can't remember the poster's name, but one MM use to post on here about the effects of the fog ruining everything else in his life. How he was always either stressed over being caught or stressed over how to find more time with his OW or stressed because he couldn't focus on his job or kids. He no longer could enjoy time with his spouse either due to feeling guilty or it making it harder to put in time with the OW. He was a wreck and didn't sound like he was getting as much out of it as his OW. Wasn't that MattieM?
LakesideDream Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 In my limited experiance.... My ex's "A" didn't benifie me.... neither did my affair with a married woman. 0-2. Not a very successful record. I don't agree with the OP at all.
joey66 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Been trying not to post, but I just can't help myself given the topic. I think that the case in which the MM is a slick player who is having a great time f-ing his W and his OW while they both suffer is not common. MM (except perhaps serial cheaters) suffer a lot, but, as was pointed out earlier, not many of them (us) post on LS. Who needs that abuse? When an A is good, both APs benefit. When it goes bad, both suffer. Trying to compare the level of suffering is a fool's game. Now, let me ask a related question- This thread assumes the man is married and the woman single. I've noticed a lot more posts lately where BOTH AP are married. Who gets the most benefit then? I can only speak for myself. When MW and I were good, there was this incredible connection that was great for both of us. I've never felt anything like it, before or since. She felt the same way, or at least I think she did. Since we've been done (and I couldn't tell you when exactly that happened) my pain is also unlike anything I've felt before. I do not have the words to describe it. Has she also suffered? You'd have to ask her. She won't talk to me anymore. Just based on what I've seen, I'd say yes, she's suffering, too. (And I sure as hell hope so!!!)
OWoman Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 This makes me think, at least from my experience reading on this forum in LS which has been for quite some time, that men are basically happy with the affair situation and woman are basically unhappy with it. Affairs seem to benefit men and hurt women. Curses - I've been turned into a man AGAIN! :mad: In ALL of my As, I've benefitted. I've never been hurt. In SOME of my As, the MM experienced hurt (either through being dumped when I ended the A, or - with my H - through the turmoil of being in an A, struggling to end a toxic M). I think ANYONE who invests emotionally in an A runs the risk of hurt - and depending on how that plays out, either they get the hurt, or the BS does - while those who don't, escape unharmed. And I think that that has less to do with gender than with personality and intention.
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