Hopeful30 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 My boyfriend has had crazy psycho exes who were jealous and controlling. That being said, I have NEVER had a problem with him going out with his friends, or spending a weekend alone. Last night we got into a fight. We were planning on going clubbing with his friends but during the day he was talking about how he wasn't sure if he wanted to go anymore, so when I headed home to pick up a few things, I called him and asked "Babe are we still going tonight? Im at home now so I might as well change and get ready, if not then i'll just head right back over." He told me, and I QUOTE "Baby its up do you, what do you wanna do?" I told him honestly that I didn't want to go out, that I would rather stay in. He EXPLODED. He said I am manipulative and controlling. He said that slowly I am trying to keep him from going out to see his friends, that I am trying to make him stay in with me and one day I won't even let him go out. He has this unrealistic expectation that we are always going to agree 100% on things, and I told him this isn't possible. He said "Yes it is, what difference does it make where we are as long as we are together?" I agree with him, but anytime I say I would RATHER stay in and hang out, he takes it as "I would rather keep you all to myself and isolate you from the world." I asked why he would ask when I gave HIM the option, because I honestly was cool with going out, that was the original plan. He said he wanted to see what I was going to say, and obviously "you chose to rather keep me all to yourself than share me with my friends." Wtf? What is wrong with him? Why does he do this?
Author Hopeful30 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Might I add that when I tell him to let go of that expectation that I will do a 360 on him and turn into this wicked witch, he tells me not to "blame him" for what happened but to realize what I am doing is wrong. He won't even consider the fact that maybe its HIM who has the problem.
brainygirl Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Gee, sounds like he's the one being controlling and manipulative. He wanted to go out, but he wanted YOU to want to go out, when you didn't make the right choice he blew up. Next time he asks you what you want to do if you don't want another blow up you'll choose going out. Dump him. He's already proved he got an explosive personality, it will only get worse.
Rorschach Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 My time is way too valuable to bother dealing with a relationship like that. I doubt this is the only problem thats going to show up.
carhill Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 My boyfriend has had crazy psycho exes who were jealous and controlling. If you've had contact with any of them and have verified their psychosis, are you seeing any commonalities between their dynamic and your own? Reading your post tells me, with this man, you may indeed be heading down such a path. Crazy people can make other people crazy. Trust me, I know. Save yourself and find some peace. A healthy relationship is nothing like this, IMO. Good luck
Zapbasket Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 If you've had contact with any of them and have verified their psychosis, are you seeing any commonalities between their dynamic and your own? Reading your post tells me, with this man, you may indeed be heading down such a path. Crazy people can make other people crazy. Trust me, I know. Save yourself and find some peace. A healthy relationship is nothing like this, IMO. Good luck Yes, sooooo true. Crazy begets crazy, even when a person is relatively "sane." This does not sound very good--do you see how he was manipulating YOU? Baiting someone by giving them a choice and then jumping all over them when they make the "wrong" choice is DEBILITATING over time--to your confidence and then to the relationship. Your guy sounds like he's got a long way to go if he'll EVER be ready for a good relationship. My advice, OP, is DO NOT fight him back on stuff like this. Just get quiet. People who use tactics like these to keep a person where they want them thrive on getting the other person flustered / angry / emotional. Get quiet, don't let him into your thoughts, and you'll see: he'll start to get very insecure and beseeching to you. Trust me on this one; I got out of a relationship with a very controlling, crazy, disturbed sh*t of a man and I made the mistake of trying to rationalize with him, and then to fight him back, whereupon he called ME "crazy." Only when I got quiet did he grow very uneasy, and why? Because people who act like my ex and your current BF do KNOW they're a mess. That's why they have to "hand off" the crazy to someone else. Good luck to you, dear; you have my fullest compassion.
Author Hopeful30 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Thank you GreenCove, I cannot even tell you how much your advice means to me right now. You are right, they want to fight because its what they are used to. If I keep quiet, he will wonder why I am not arguing. And he will grow uneasy and perhaps rethink his ways. He needs to come to the realization himself, because if someone else tries to help him, he automatically goes on defence mode....the mode he knows best. Once again thank you GreenCove, I appreciate you took the time. Thank you.
Zapbasket Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 You're welcome I'd also advise, if you want to try to keep this relationship, try to "shape" his actions by changing your responses to his actions. First, keep quiet and don't let him into your thinking until he's calmed down and evinced that he's in a somewhat introspective rather than reactive state. And then, if he asks what you're thinking, keep it really simple, direct, and to the point, eg, "I don't like it when we have interactions like this." Don't accuse him; don't elaborate--doing either of these things only invites him to defensively rationalize his behavior and a conversation gets nowhere. Also: remember that people who act like he does are VERY GOOD at getting a rise out of people. Don't be surprised if he just drives you nuts. Start assembling a support network if you don't already have one so that you have a place to vent when you want to pull your hair out. Whatever you do, don't vent to him. The longer you can keep your cool, the less potent his manipulative behaviors will be. He'll either have to find better behaviors or your quiet distance will grow into detachment and you'll leave the relationship. Not necessarily a bad thing! IF he really is how he comes across in your posts, for people like him there's simply no "there" there in the absence of drama. That's why they stir up drama, because it's the only way they know to "access" another person. Refuse to play that game!
sweetjasmine Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Don't be surprised if he just drives you nuts. Start assembling a support network if you don't already have one so that you have a place to vent when you want to pull your hair out. Whatever you do, don't vent to him. Why would anyone want to stay with someone who drives them nuts? Why would anyone stay in a relationship in which they need an outside support group to get through the week? The longer you can keep your cool, the less potent his manipulative behaviors will be. Why would anyone want to stay with someone manipulative by being manipulative themselves? Refuse to play that game! I agree with that part. Refuse to play the game - leave.
You Go Girl Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I can't imagine a future with this guy-- say you're married and out buying a lawnmower together. You choose the WRONG ONE at the hardware store. Can you see the future fits? Scenes in public? Worse screaming fits at home? Drama, volitile mental fits, fights in the future over which way to put the tp roll, how to change a diaper, whether the knives go up or down in the dishwasher...the list is ENDLESS. Control freak. In psychology this is called projection. Project the behavior of oneself onto another, as if it is their fault.
sally4sara Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Sounds like you're being manipulated in to always responding to him with "what ever you want to do"
Zapbasket Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Why would anyone want to stay with someone who drives them nuts? Why would anyone stay in a relationship in which they need an outside support group to get through the week? Why would anyone want to stay with someone manipulative by being manipulative themselves? I agree with that part. Refuse to play the game - leave. All excellent points! My excuse is that I'd moved across the country to live with the guy, with no job and no car and no social network, so for survival's sake I had to try to make it work. And he drove me nuts with his narcissism, manipulation, and self-pity. Only after nearly a year since the relationship ended has it become clear what an utter no-win situation it was, being with someone like him and like this guy the OP describes.
legallyblonde289 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 i usually find that when people describe their exes and "psycho and controlling", its usually them who are psycho and controlling.
lofi_tokyo Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 If you've had contact with any of them and have verified their psychosis, are you seeing any commonalities between their dynamic and your own? Reading your post tells me, with this man, you may indeed be heading down such a path. Crazy people can make other people crazy. Trust me, I know. Save yourself and find some peace. A healthy relationship is nothing like this, IMO. Good luck My thoughts EXACTLY. OP, after reading your post my immediate thought was: maybe it wasn't that his ex's were crazy, so much as this guy is crazy. He sounds nuts and I bet he just made perfectly normal girls out to be crazy exs.
Author Hopeful30 Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Thank you for all your answers. Hmmm... could it be that this is all an immature and naive reaction to his fear of losing his "freedom"? This was such a stupid fight, but when it comes to other things, like buying a lawnmower like someone used as an example, he almost always listens to what I have to say, and 90% of the time takes it into consideration. Its funny, but he is out with his buddies right now, and continues to text me. "I miss you, I am thinking of you tonight. Can't wait to see you tomorrow." Ironic isn't it.
OceanTropic Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Its probably what you say, he has this innate fear of losing his freedom, but thats still no way to treat you.
harmfulsweetz Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Hm, he sounds psycho and controlling if I'm fair. He wanted to go out, but he wanted you to say you wanted to go out and when you didn't, he kicked off at you. You are not wrong for wanting to stay in. If that was me, I'd be heading out of that relationship so fast he'd not see me for dust. If he can't even accept his part in things, how can you have any hope of rectifying and resolving issues? He's trying to manipulate you to take the blame. If he craves his freedom so much, why did he ask you what you wanted to do? If he wanted to see his friends so bad why was he dithering on it in the first place? it makes no sense. I dated a guy once who made out his ex gf to be the worst person since Hitler, turns out, he was fairly psycho, and a guy that badmouths an ex to me, is someone I am very wary of.
Mary3 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 He might be picking fights with you as an * exit * out of the relationship...
nowomanocry Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Thank you for all your answers. Hmmm... could it be that this is all an immature and naive reaction to his fear of losing his "freedom"? This was such a stupid fight, but when it comes to other things, like buying a lawnmower like someone used as an example, he almost always listens to what I have to say, and 90% of the time takes it into consideration. Its funny, but he is out with his buddies right now, and continues to text me. "I miss you, I am thinking of you tonight. Can't wait to see you tomorrow." Ironic isn't it. Q1) He's out with his buddies and how does he loose his freedom? Q2) Agree with Mary. Might be trying to get out of this r/s. Q3) I interpret his sms as he has not been able to pick a chick up & probably drunk and has changed character. If this is the case, don't be with him anymore. If you want to see whether this interpretation is right, nxt time sms him back and say "hey I miss u too. whereabouts are you, will hop on a cab come and have a drink with ya". Then see his reaction. Last but not least, he does not sound as he's immature or naive. Can be contrary.
Crazy Magnet Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 If a guy acted that way towards me more than once per decade, that would be the end of that guy. Why waste time on a man like that when there are plenty of men out there who are NOT like that?
Zapbasket Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 If he can't even accept his part in things, how can you have any hope of rectifying and resolving issues? He's trying to manipulate you to take the blame. If he craves his freedom so much, why did he ask you what you wanted to do? If he wanted to see his friends so bad why was he dithering on it in the first place? it makes no sense. Because every interaction is ultimately about CONTROL more than about resolving relationship issues or yes, even enjoying an evening with friends. What's really sick about it is that to a normal person, it's unfathomable that someone could be so control-obsessed and so the "crazy-making" of the whole thing is that the normal person views the control-obsessed behavior as normal and doesn't realize they're dropping ever deeper into the crazy-hole until they've practically pulled all their hair out.
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