In a dying LDR with a very depressed woman...How do I let her down easy?

May 23, 2010

Hello everyone,

I've come here as a way to hopefully get some advice from others who are also in long distance relationships, have been in one, or just some advice in general.

I met Sarah on an online RPG called Ragnarok Online almost four and a half years ago. She was 18 and I was 21. After playing with each other for a while and really enjoying each other's conversations, we decided to exchange phone numbers and IM screen names to chat out of game.

We actively started flirting with each other after awhile, and I'll admit in the beginning in my mind, it seemed like just an internet fling with some lust attached to it. I didn't think it would evolve into what it has today. I really didn't expect her to stay around because the thing with the internet, and back then I didn’t take it too seriously.

It took a long time for me to get over the fact that Sarah wanted to stick around and it seemed as if she wanted something serious. In the beginning, she always hinted it to me that she wanted a chance to be with me because we got along so well, and have so much in common. Our humor, interests, and music tastes are identical, not to mention we both feel as if we've known each other longer then we really have. The only bad part about this fact was that she lives in Florida and I live in Pennsylvania. That’s the only reason we are having so many problems. There is roughly 900 miles separating us from one another and we have yet to meet.

After a year passed of me knowing her, we admitted to each other that we loved one another. After that was said, it felt like sparks flew. I felt as if I met my other half. Our nights were now filled with endless conversations about anything and everything, laughter, jokes, and sweet nothings. We would sit on web cam together and just chat until dawn sometimes. It seemed too good to be true. We had the notion going that it didn’t matter what the distance was, and at that time we felt the distance didn’t matter because it felt like it was non-existent. I fell deeply in love with her but was afraid of the repercussions that most LDRs face.

I've had a horrible track record with relationships even in my offline life. After the last one ended in the end of 2009, Sarah and I decided to be an official LDR couple. I decided to give this LDR thing one more go with her after countless reassurance that it would work out, and she made it seem like everything would be fine. We didn't start officially "dating" until about six or seven months ago. She is now almost 22 and I am going to be 25.

When I first met Sarah, she had a job at Panera Bread (and after a year she lost her job and has been unemployed ever since because of the economy). She lived with her father whom was a two-faced verbally and mentally abusive man. He really treated her horribly, talk down to her and call her names. I would console her that everything was alright. She would go through her little bouts of depression because of it, but it was nothing too serious because talking to me would perk her right up and she would be okay again. In the beginning, she was so positive, outgoing, and upbeat regardless of her situation; she didn’t let it get her down and kept going forward with her head held high. I figured it would all be okay if we held out long enough to meet up.

In September of 2009, I started going to community college to get my Associate’s Degree in Criminal Justice and have plans to continue on to get my Bachelors at a four year school. I have a five year plan set for myself and things are really starting to look up for me. I started going late because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to college or not. Since I’ve started going to college, my confidence has gone through the roof. I have added her into my five year plan. I’ve even suggested moving down to Florida to continue my education first and foremost, and to be closer to her.

In February of 2010, Sarah decided to move back in with her mother, two brothers, and sister. We were really hoping that this would open doors for her and we would finally be able to meet after four years. It was the complete opposite of what we thought it would be and everything has gone downhill from there. Her family lives in the middle of nowhere, and her family really does nothing to help her out at all.

Sarah since has slipped into the deepest depression I have ever seen in my years of knowing her. She mentions that she feels trapped, like a loser, and she misses her friends who live around her father’s house. In the last month, she has become very negative, selfish, snappy, moody, doubtful concerning us, agitated, and it feels to me like she is a complete stranger anymore. It seems as if she wants me to do everything concerning anything in the relationship, from moving to meeting. In so many words she has told me she is never willing to leave Florida, and that I am pretty much required to come down and see her first. She throws in my face how lonely she is and makes sarcastic remarks concerning it.

The spark that was once there has died out almost completely for us and she fails to realize it.

I brought it to her attention a few days ago how she has been, that I wasn’t going to stand for it, and that I think it may be time for us to break up and move on. She got upset and mentioned: “I’m not ready for you to go for good.” It makes me wonder what I really am to her anymore. Possibly a comfort pillow because no one else cares about her it seems. I don’t want to believe it. I’ve mentioned to her countless times that she should go get help to see a therapist or psychiatrist, but she refuses to do so and thinks everything is fine and dandy.

We really almost came to a point of actually ending this last night, but when I tried talking about it with her she got very quiet and “didn’t know what to say”. When I spoke to her today, she was strangely very affectionate and happy sounding, and she hasn’t been that way for weeks. I’m figuring it’s an act. She didn’t even bother clearing up with me what we said last night, but rather brushed it off like nothing happened.

I really love and care for her. There was a time I thought of her as my soul mate, but now I don't even know anymore. I just want her to be happy with or without me in her life, and if I leave her, I want to know she will be okay.

Does anyone know how I can let her down easily? I am really going out on a limb here for help.

Edited May 23, 2010 by Elfen_Lied
Small spelling mistake.

May 23, 2010

It makes me wonder what I really am to her anymore. Possibly a comfort pillow because no one else cares about her it seems.

You answered your own question. Getting out requires you to be firm but tactful. Let her know that you love her enough to let her go and learn to be able to find strength from within, and not rely on other people as life rafts.

You just have to walk away, and shut the door firmly against any further contact.

She will wallow for a while, but one day she'll wake up and realize that by walking away, you gave her the gift of freedom so that she would be able to build herself up from the inside.

It sounds schmaltzy, but I had a guy walk away from me like that and in the long run, I became self sufficient, and able to have relationships based not on need, but on choice.

She mentions that she feels trapped, like a loser,

It is her job to fix this, not yours. She can't fix it if you are letting her throw that responsibility in your lap.

May 23, 2010

I think this is a horribly difficult thing to do, and I truly feel for you. I would sit her down and tell her that you cannot stay in this anymore the way it's going, because of x, y, and z that she is doing to you... not that 'maybe it's time we break up'. And that you don't wish to hurt her, but you are forced to leave.

However, if this opens her eyes and she promises to start taking the initiative to do something about her life and depression, I would give her a chance if I were you, and see how it goes.

May 23, 2010

@LucreziaBorgia - Firm but tactful seems to be doing nothing. I've tried talking to her about it, but all it does is upset her and/or irritate her to the point of her screaming at me. I do love her very much, and she knows that I would do anything for her, but the weak and feeble person she has turned into rather then being the strong and level headed woman I fell in love with makes me wonder.

I've tried to shut her out once before. She then becomes ten times depressed and starts to hate herself, and I feel horrible. Her mother called me and said: "Please talk to my daughter and stop being an *******. She loves you very much and needs you right now." She isn't the best support and doesn't really care or talk to her like a mother would. She's the most inconsiderate parent I have ever met in my life. She will say concerning things, but they all come out her ass in the long run.

Sarah then obsessively wrote me emails as well as called my phone to try and resolve things, saying how sorry she is and that she'll change. When I would ignore her calls on my cell phone, IMs, or emails, she would begin to call my home phone (which was strictly given to her for emergencies only), which really annoyed my family.

She does this when she sees I have gotten fed up with her crap, which has been multiple times over the relationship, especially if I myself decide to back off and need some space. Lately that's how it's been, I don't contact her by any means, and I let her contact me.

I have done everything I possibly can (well as much as I can over the phone or computer) I have given her tons of suggestions as to how she could resolve the issue of her unemployment and not being able to see her friends, but everything has an excuse as to why she can't do it, so I just stopped trying. It seems she is losing all hope in anything and everything, including our LDR which has been something that has kept her going for years. Affection seems forced as well as when she says "I love you." it seems forced, as well. Not to mention she's the type of woman while on the phone with me and there is awkward silence, she will constantly tell me she loves me...and I'm beginning to wonder if it's filler because she wants to believe it, or make me believe she still cares or wants this relationship, when clearly she states how lonely she is and how much she wants me at her side. She's mentioned that if I were there with her, everything would be better (which I don't really believe).

---

@Elswyth - Thank you for understanding. It is very hard because she is so special to me and I love her dearly. She sadly isn't the upbeat, positive, loving and caring person I first met anymore. I've sat her down and have told her my feelings, but as always she starts a screaming match along the lines of: "God forbid you don't put it all on you, Elfen_Lied! (in place of my name...I want to remain anonymous) That's it make it all your fault even though it's not!" She has become so self-centered and selfish when it comes to anyone else's feelings but her own. I told her she is pushing me away and forcing me to leave, and she mentioned she would try to go to counseling, but I doubt she will go, I can't exactly force her, although I wish I could commit her to a mental hospital at times.

Edited May 23, 2010 by Elfen_Lied
Grammatical error

May 23, 2010

Getting rid of an emotional vampire is never easy.

It will take drastic measures, like changing your contact numbers/etc. or finding a way to block them. If she or her mother calls your home, explain to your parents what is going on and have them ask her or her mother to stop calling or have them charged with harassment. If she sends snail mail, mark it 'return to sender' unopened. If she threatens suicide, call 911 and give them her address. She needs help now that you cannot give, but at least can point in the right direction.

It is a pain in the arse to make the necessary changes, but if you want out it will have to be done.

I've been on both sides and honestly, the best thing to do is not only be firm, but final and change your contact information if necessary. If it gets out of hand, report her harassing behavior. It sounds harsh, but if she won't help herself and you can't help her then she needs intervention of a more legal and professional sort.

May 24, 2010

Getting rid of an emotional vampire is never easy.

It will take drastic measures, like changing your contact numbers/etc. or finding a way to block them. If she or her mother calls your home, explain to your parents what is going on and have them ask her or her mother to stop calling or have them charged with harassment. If she sends snail mail, mark it 'return to sender' unopened. If she threatens suicide, call 911 and give them her address. She needs help now that you cannot give, but at least can point in the right direction.

It is a pain in the arse to make the necessary changes, but if you want out it will have to be done.

I've been on both sides and honestly, the best thing to do is not only be firm, but final and change your contact information if necessary. If it gets out of hand, report her harassing behavior. It sounds harsh, but if she won't help herself and you can't help her then she needs intervention of a more legal and professional sort.

I've thought of changing my number. I've actually had the same number for years and I think it's time for a change. The bad thing, is that we've shared so much together online, I'd have to go through everything and delete/block her. This includes things like Facebook/MySpace and the like. I'd also have to go through 'divorcing' all her characters in-game (on Ragnarok Online) which costs in game currency. She would still be able to contact me through there as well.

There's a part of me that will really miss her when I get rid of her because she's been around for so long, and it will hurt to delete her like that, but it may be for the best.

As for the harassment, Her mother has already written me a very long, hateful, nasty letter, saying that I'm the bad guy and I am the cause of all her problems. According to her, it's all my fault that she is so depressed and that it's causing drama in her household. Her mother threatened to come up here to PA and walk into my house and scream in my face for hurting her daughter. Her mother is really a piece of work, I could say so many mean things about her. She is very two-faced. I told Sarah to tell her mother that if she steps one foot on my property, I will have her arrested.

Recently as of late, since I talked to Sarah. She has been exhibiting past behavior, like constant affection, compliments, and a cheery attitude. I don't buy it, there's something going on in her head. This only started coming out after I told her that I was leaving and why. I think that's the only reason she's acting like this now. She even asked me if she was doing better, and I said; "It seems so." and ended it at that for the night.

What is she doing now? Why the sudden personality change after for almost a month and a half of complete hell?

May 24, 2010

Is she acting, or is she truly trying to do something to fix herself? How long has the 'change' been, and has she done anything else (other than being cheery and affectionate) to fix things for herself?

May 24, 2010

Is she acting, or is she truly trying to do something to fix herself? How long has the 'change' been, and has she done anything else (other than being cheery and affectionate) to fix things for herself?

Her change in personality has been for at least two months and we've been fighting for about one month. I don't see her really doing anything to fix herself although she knows she has problems and admitted she needs help, She went as far as to say she's been depressed a lot throughout her life, and it's been untreated. She told me she had a pretty tough childhood.

She is acting like nothing happened and acting as if the letter about breaking up didn't even occur. Maybe she is trying to treat me better, but a lot of what we spoke about about our LDR in general just shows she has a lot of doubts in her head about us.

She hasn't really done anything else except try to brush all of our problems we've been having for the past month or two off and not talk about them. She's still sleeping all day and up all night. No mention of looking for job and would rather just be lazy and sit around the house moping.

It really is bugging me...I don't know if she's acting or she's trying to change her attitude. It makes me wonder what she really wants of me, but if I ask she will get angry.

May 24, 2010

She has admitted that she needs help - yet in your previous post you said that she said 'everything was fine and dandy and she won't see a therapist'. Do you think she will be amenable to getting therapy now, and will you be willing to stay in it if she does?

As for whether she's acting or truly trying to change, only time can tell. An act can only hold up for so long.

May 24, 2010

She has admitted that she needs help - yet in your previous post you said that she said 'everything was fine and dandy and she won't see a therapist'. Do you think she will be amenable to getting therapy now, and will you be willing to stay in it if she does?

As for whether she's acting or truly trying to change, only time can tell. An act can only hold up for so long.

Tell me about it! That's the thing with her. Sometimes she says one thing and means another. She puts things off hoping the problem will just go away, that is a big flaw of hers. She lies and says everything is fine, but it's not.

If she goes to get therapy then I will possibly stick around, but the way it looks she won't be going. She makes up excuses for everything and why she can't go.

You're right, only time can tell. I'm sticking around for the time being because it seems she's getting better, but If she is acting, her mask will only hold up for so long and I will call her out on it.

May 24, 2010

She isn't making any real change. She is just doing what you want to see her doing so that you won't leave.

Her mother has already written me a very long, hateful, nasty letter, saying that I'm the bad guy and I am the cause of all her problems. According to her, it's all my fault that she is so depressed and that it's causing drama in her household. Her mother threatened to come up here to PA and walk into my house and scream in my face for hurting her daughter. Her mother is really a piece of work, I could say so many mean things about her. She is very two-faced. I told Sarah to tell her mother that if she steps one foot on my property, I will have her arrested.

That is why all letters will have to be marked 'return to sender' unopened.

May 24, 2010

She isn't making any real change. She is just doing what you want to see her doing so that you won't leave.

Seems that's the case. I may just suggest friendship online with her. I mean, no use prolonging this any longer then it has to be.

That is why all letters will have to be marked 'return to sender' unopened.

Yeah, it was a letter in email. XD

May 24, 2010

I think what I am hearing is that you feel personally responsible for her, and all I can say to that is that no-one is responsible for another persons happiness apart from the person themselves. You cannot fix her or save her. However, you can support her while she heals if that is what she chooses? She needs to understand what are healthy boundaries within a relationship irrespective of how hard life feels for her - it is not okay to make you the problem and/or blame you for how she feels - she needs to take responsibility for that, and I guess, it's up to you how you enforce that boundary. She needs to want to change for herself first.

: )

May 24, 2010

I think what I am hearing is that you feel personally responsible for her, and all I can say to that is that no-one is responsible for another persons happiness apart from the person themselves. You cannot fix her or save her. However, you can support her while she heals if that is what she chooses? She needs to understand what are healthy boundaries within a relationship irrespective of how hard life feels for her - it is not okay to make you the problem and/or blame you for how she feels - she needs to take responsibility for that, and I guess, it's up to you how you enforce that boundary. She needs to want to change for herself first.

: )

I agree with this completely. While I think that a good support system is essential for such people, and if you love them you would try to be one... the most important thing is that they themselves must want to try to make things better for themselves. It is silly to expect one's partner, even a committed and long-term one, to sit around and become the emotional punching bag while one doesn't bother doing anything about it or at the very least restraining oneself from hurting the partner.

May 25, 2010

Sorry, Elfen_Lied...

Everyone else has seemed to jump on your bandwagon, but from what you've written, something doesn't ring true.

You say you "really love and care for her." But, I wonder.

You give the impression that you weren't all that interested in getting into a relationship with her at all, but she hung in there and insisted there was potential.

A year after you met, you caved, and both of you confessed your love for one other and spent countless hours chatting and camming online. However, for at least part of that time you were still seeing someone in RL while all this was going on.

You say you thought of "Sarah" as "soul mate material" -- yet you haven't bothered to meet this girl in person and in fact seem miffed that she would suggest that it's up to you to make the trip -- when she hasn't a dime to her name now that she's lost her job, has been unable to find another one, and has had to move in with her parents.

Sorry, but people who love and care for each other don't act that way nor say things like "I don't know what I am to her anymore. Possibly a comfort pillow because no one else cares about her it seems." Or, "She throws in my face how lonely she is and makes sarcastic remarks concerning it. I brought it to her attention a few days ago how she has been, that I wasn’t going to stand for it."

Wow! If *that's* what you say and think about someone "you love and care for" what in heck do you say to those you dislike???

I'm sorry Elfin_Lied, but you sound incredibly arrogant, self-centered and *uncaring* to me...

I mean, has it ever occured to you that you while you've been busy enrolling in community college, have decided to go on to get your four-year degree, and have "a five-year plan" she's been dealing with unemployment, a less than ideal home situation, and living in an area that has few prospects for jobs or a social life?

Given her situation is it any wonder "she feels trapped, like a loser, and she misses her friends who live around her father’s house... or " has become she has become very negative, selfish, snappy, moody, doubtful concerning (the two of you)?"

Meanwhile, your confidence (by your own admission) "has gone through the roof." You're on a roll. She's not. How *dare* she be such a pain in the butt when you're flying high?

While I agree in principle with the wisdom of the old adage "when life hands you lemons, don't wallow in the pits, get busy and start making lemonade" there still is something called "compassion" in this world -- especially for those who mean something to you.

My advice to you is that instead of trying to blame all your troubles on "her depression" face up to the fact that for whatever reason you don't want to or perhaps never have wanted "to go the distance" -- literally or figuratively -- for this girl.

Nothing wrong with that at all. If the shoe fits wear it -- but don't blame someone else if it just isn't your style.

Best,

TMichaels

Edited May 25, 2010 by TMichaels

May 25, 2010

Well everyone,

Sarah and I decided to make a decision, and it was probably the best one we made in a while. We decided to break it off mutually, and continue a friendship.

I do still want to try and be friends with her, she's not a horrible person and for the longest time even before we made it official, she was one of my best friends. Her and I are still close, or as close as we can be after all that has went on.

Since we broke it off, her personality changed back to the girl I met back in 2006, and it's a little awkward. It's strange how she changed so quickly back to that happy-go-lucky girl I used to know so fast. It makes me wonder what was going on in her head during the relationship.

We both admit there are still feelings there, but we are going to go out and date other people for a while. We admitted we still wanted to meet up eventually when we both had the money and possibly see where that goes after meeting. She has hinted she still wants the LDR, and already misses it.

It really confused me when she started talking like that, like we made a big mistake with breaking up.

Any advice on how I should go about this? >_<

May 25, 2010

I'll be frank with you. The only reason she agreed to the friendship, I suspect, is because she probably thought that it was either this or nothing. That you would just leave her entirely if she didn't. I don't think this is going to help, it will just begin the vicious cycle all over again, unless something changes.

May 25, 2010

I'll be frank with you. The only reason she agreed to the friendship, I suspect, is because she probably thought that it was either this or nothing. That you would just leave her entirely if she didn't. I don't think this is going to help, it will just begin the vicious cycle all over again, unless something changes.

Yeah, I am sensing that too that she's trying to just continue the vicious cycle all over again. She's lonely and seems to think most other guys she would meet are complete idiots. She's pretty picky since the last guy she was with before me was abusive.

I was actually thinking of leaving her entirely, which would have killed her because she really has no one else. Am I too much of a nice person for sticking around, or just an idiot?

May 25, 2010

I think you should stay on the proviso that she try to do something to pick her own life back up on track. Everyone could do with support in times of need, but nobody should be altruistic enough to make themselves unhappy for a person who isn't trying to help themselves.

May 25, 2010

I think you should stay on the proviso that she try to do something to pick her own life back up on track. Everyone could do with support in times of need, but nobody should be altruistic enough to make themselves unhappy for a person who isn't trying to help themselves.

Seems like the right thing to do. That's what I've been doing and it seems to be working. She does seem a lot more at ease then when we had "official" stamped on.

May 28, 2010

Hi

From what I read I think you should worry about yourself more than you worry about her

In this r/s seems like the ref has shown the added time to the match which will be over in a short while. 90 mins gone and he is just about to blow the final whistle.

Mine ended very shortly after all the symptoms you have wrote up there.

Women usually are the dumper in most cases and in your case she probably is looking for alternatives and most probably will dump you while you are worrying about her situation. So be prepared for it, and don't be surprised if she comes up to you saying "it's over". No woman will end something if she doesn't secure herself first by finding an equal or better alternative. So don't worry about her, just worry about yourself.

That's what I think.

Good luck

May 28, 2010

Whats the point of dating a girl for months with out ever meeting her in person? I would have been on a train or plane to FL before I even agreed to start dating her.

Plus breaking up with an LDR seems way easier then breaking up with a girl who lives close by. I mean a girl who lives close can show up at your house after you block her and stop taking her calls.

Well it sounds like everything worked out now that you decided to just be friends

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