mayakukla Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 (edited) It has been almost three months now that my wife left me. We lived together for 4 years. There was no infidelity, she fell out of love with me because of my depression (having to be in medical school in a place I hated with no friends) and commitment issues and subsequent way I treated her because of my depression. She left me at the worst possible time. Completely alone with no friends or family for 1,000 miles and facing medical board exams that if I did not pass I would be kicked out of school and have 250k in debt. I passed the exams but I cannot get the scorching pain out of my heart. I am still alone here. I am on antidepressants and see a therapist. Yet, the pain is only somewhat better. I do not care about anything else but her. I cannot stop thinking about her. I blame myself 95% for her falling out of love with me. I blame myself for not getting my depression treated, for not seeing a marriage counselor sooner, for not seeing how much I loved her when I said "I do." For being scared at our civil house wedding (immigration) because I was afraid of commitment. For not being able to say a toast to my family and yours. For the way I have treated you(although excusable according to some), are not excusable to my heart because you are not hear with me now. I will never forgive myself, for the pain my actions have caused to myself, I deserve to die. I let the love my of life slip away because I drove her away. I chose not be friends. I did not want to become the jealous guy as I was never before. I have not talked to her in 6 weeks. It has been 3 months since our break up. I am in pain and a lot of that pain is from fear. fear that she could possibly be going on dates with other men (although based on her goals in life now, she does not want a relationship so this is unlikely). However, I am scared, I stupidly looked at her facebook today and there were a bunch of guy friends from the University she goes to I have never heard of before. I am scared God, I am scared. I cannot live with the though of someone else kissing her, or let alone, having her. I am scared, I am in so much pain. So much pain Edited May 23, 2010 by mayakukla
skydiveaddict Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 You gotta stop obsessing over her. Most of us here have had out guts kicked in, just like you have. You must find a way to get her off your mind, even if only for a little while each day.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 First off congratulations on passing your exams at such a crucial time in your life...that alone tells you how internally strong you can be WHEN YOU WANT TO...second..STOP LOOKING AT HER FACEBOOK..it only brings you misery right?..I can't tell you to stop thinking about her because...for one you won't and two you haven't had time to fully process all that has gone on..listen..I was/am married for almost 18yrs..18 years!!!!..I have 2 daughters 9 and 11 who were living in a very stable environment since they were born..my wife left me suddenly 1 1/2 mos ago physically and who knows how long emotionally...I have to see her almost everyday because of my daughters...and I feel guilty as hell for the way I treated her..I constantly am thinking about her every waking minute...I never dreamt about her when we were married and now I am always dreaming about her..there are thousands of men and woman going through the same thing as us..some longer some sooner...but as a whole almost all have or post the same emotions as you and me..what I have found is to stay busy,avoid anything you can that reminds you of her..it will get easier and you'll start reversing that guilt feeling..you can't see it now but it'll get better/easier to cope if you allow it too...good luck..it sucks.
robaday Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Hi mayakukla, First of all my sincere apologies about your loss, and I'm sorry to hear you suffering like this. I see a lot of pain in what you have written and fear that you are being way way too hard on yourself. Stop focusing on her and think about yourself, you are getting help which is fantastic and admirable and demonstrates a lot of strength-going to therapy and getting anti-depressants is a huge step forward and you need to truly focus on getting yourself better and fighting this depression first and foremost. It is great that you have cut contact-this will be a good first step for you healing and truly letting go. Whilst I have no idea what it is like to lose a wife, I have experienced a lot of pain and it took me a full year to get better-a full year of being on anti-depressants and therapy and a lot of exercise before I stopped thinking of my ex and focussed on myself-dont beat yourself up about still thinking about her, still grieving it will take time and once you recognize what you are going through is normal you can begin to be kinder to yourself....The key is to focus on yourself and stop worrying about her. Please post here as much as you need to, connect with your old friends and family, you are in a vulnerable place right now and my heart goes out to you.
Ronni_W Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I am in pain and a lot of that pain is from fear.The good news about that is that you've got it within your own power and control to eliminate "a lot of" the pain that you are experiencing. To make that happen, you need to work towards accepting that, without any doubt at all, she is going to be kissing other guys and having sex with them. It is not a "possibility", it is a fact. Normal people have normal sexual urges, and they will satisfy them. You know this, intellectually. There is absolutely no reason to make yourself crazy and keep yourself in so much pain by "fearing" the inevitable. You need to stop even thinking about it. You are separated and what your estranged wife does is no longer your business. Ask your therapist to teach you thought-interrupting techniques...and practice them religiously. Learn to manage your own thoughts. Take back some control over your life. When you start thinking this stuff, stop thinking about it. Change your thoughts. Sing 'happy birthday' or some other song. Count up to 321 in 13s, and then count down in 17s. Think about how you'd spend ten million dollars. The point is: Do something different with your mind than just entertaining thoughts that you don't like and are not good for your mental-emotional health. It is unkind to do that to yourself. There is a difference between taking appropriate responsibility for your contribution to your marriage breaking down, and turning yourself into a victim (of your own regrettable actions.) The latter is what you're doing, and it's self-indulgent and unhealthy for you. It is psychological violence against yourself. Get a grip. Make genuine and determined efforts with your therapist -- and especially outside of sessions; do the work that you need to do -- so that you can get off the meds and start to feel better sooner than later. I'm sorry that you're hurting. But you don't need to make all of it any more difficult than it already is. Get a grip, so that you can start being in charge of your own healing and psychological health. Divorce sucks the big one. But you can still choose to flow with the raging torrent instead of futilely trying to struggle against it. You can still exercise good judgment and be kind to yourself. Hugs, and best of luck.
Author mayakukla Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 (edited) Ronni, Really? You are telling me she is going to be doing stuff with other guys after what I have posted? WTF is your problem. Based on what I know about her, it will be a long time before she does. And If I am wrong for some reason, I refuse to think of it as a certainty instead of remote possibility. It is far from a fact. That is how I keep sane friend, I am a realist, and reality tells me it will probably not happen anytime in the near future. If you think you are helping, you are not. If I think of it as a certainty Ronni boy, I may do something that would put me in jail or in the morgue. I am going to ask you nicely to stay out of my thread. I did not come on this forum for support for some dude who knows nothing about our relationship to tell me it is a fact my ex wife is or soon will be with other men. If that is what helps you deal with your ****, good for you, but not me. Do me a favor and stay out of my threads. I do not want to see a clever reply from you. Reading your post was enough. just leave. let's see if you can just leave and not reply to this. To everyone else, thanks for the comments, I will reply tomorrow. The good news about that is that you've got it within your own power and control to eliminate "a lot of" the pain that you are experiencing. To make that happen, you need to work towards accepting that, without any doubt at all, she is going to be kissing other guys and having sex with them. It is not a "possibility", it is a fact. Normal people have normal sexual urges, and they will satisfy them. You know this, intellectually. There is absolutely no reason to make yourself crazy and keep yourself in so much pain by "fearing" the inevitable. You need to stop even thinking about it. You are separated and what your estranged wife does is no longer your business. Ask your therapist to teach you thought-interrupting techniques...and practice them religiously. Learn to manage your own thoughts. Take back some control over your life. When you start thinking this stuff, stop thinking about it. Change your thoughts. Sing 'happy birthday' or some other song. Count up to 321 in 13s, and then count down in 17s. Think about how you'd spend ten million dollars. The point is: Do something different with your mind than just entertaining thoughts that you don't like and are not good for your mental-emotional health. It is unkind to do that to yourself. There is a difference between taking appropriate responsibility for your contribution to your marriage breaking down, and turning yourself into a victim (of your own regrettable actions.) The latter is what you're doing, and it's self-indulgent and unhealthy for you. It is psychological violence against yourself. Get a grip. Make genuine and determined efforts with your therapist -- and especially outside of sessions; do the work that you need to do -- so that you can get off the meds and start to feel better sooner than later. I'm sorry that you're hurting. But you don't need to make all of it any more difficult than it already is. Get a grip, so that you can start being in charge of your own healing and psychological health. Divorce sucks the big one. But you can still choose to flow with the raging torrent instead of futilely trying to struggle against it. You can still exercise good judgment and be kind to yourself. Hugs, and best of luck. Edited May 23, 2010 by mayakukla
Author mayakukla Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 (edited) Somebody better start facing reality. She was single for 1 year between her last ex and me. I am out of this thread /subscription Edited May 23, 2010 by mayakukla
shadowplay Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Wow, Ronni was just trying to be helpful. You're in denial. You're clearly not ready to face the fact that she'll be with other guys.
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