kis Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I have seen many posters say that men dont really believe in emotional affairs and do not consider thenselves cheating unless there is sex. I do believe this is true for many men. But i was wondering at what point does it become cheating in thier mind. could it be a hug that lasted too long. Maybe its when there is a kiss involved. Yet again some men may really think there has to be intercourse for it to be cheating. What are your thoughts.
jthorne Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I don't know any men who wouldn't consider an EA cheating.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 While it would bother me just being an EA...I can overlook that....I can even overlook a PA by my wife (only because I would have driven her to it due to my actions as a husband)..but to me a PA would be considered cheating.
wheelwright Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 If you say you have feelings for each other and stay in sometimes secret contact it is an EA. Both sexes know this deeply if emotions are involved, though they may not realise it. Neither AP may realise, and think it only becomes an A once the PA thing happens. Many people are in blissful ignorance about the term EA. I was. I thought that all the time when we set boundaries about the physical stuff meant we were just friends who were fighting their emotions. Once a PA, they both know. I can't really see the difference between the sexes here.
grogster Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Men know when they're cheating. When they claim otherwise, the're lying.
jthorne Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Kis, I know what you are asking. If men claim that an EA isn't cheating, exactly at what "act" is it cheating? Is it a hug, kiss, or something more intimate. I personally can't answer that, because I don't know of any men that wouldn't consider an EA cheating. I know there are BS that have said their WS wouldn't admit their EA was cheating, but this was just blameshifting and rationalization. Had their spouses done the same, they would consider it cheating. I know you are looking for a specific act, but I can't give you one.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Men don't have EA's...the have 'TUYGIP'='Talk until you get in panties' that's when it turns into a PA..
wheelwright Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Men don't have EA's...the have 'TUYGIP'='Talk until you get in panties' that's when it turns into a PA.. Funny enough to be quoted! Not sure its the heart of the issue.
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Kis, does your MM feel he's done nothing wrong *yet* beacuse you two are just having an EA? Just wondering if this has to do with your own situation.
MorningCoffee Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I would say that as between married people, anything with an outside party that (a) arises from some sort of special feeling toward the person (b) is on a personal level and © which one would not be comfortable saying or discussing in front of or recounting accurately to one's SO constitutes "cheating" at some level. (Not talking about secretly planning the guy's birthday party -- you know what I mean!)
Star727 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 My husband knew absolutely nothing about EAs. I was arguing about his EA with a fellow coworker and he was vehemently denying it, constantly telling me he would never have sex with her. After I explained what an emotional affair was, he got quiet. He really didnt know what it was and he really thought it was an affair if you had sex. Now, he doesnt want to talk about it.
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Star - He still knew he was doing something inappropriate and the friendship was wrong. He may not ever admit that, but deep down he knows.
jackson30 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Not only do I consider an EA as cheating, i don't even consider an EA as a real thing.
MizFit Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Not only do I consider an EA as cheating, i don't even consider an EA as a real thing. So if your spouse started talking to another person about you and the things that you were doing to ruin the marriage...things you were sharing with her that you thought were personal...the intimate details of your sex life and your day to day life...you wouldn't consider it some sort of emotional connection with another person? My life with my SO is mine...no one elses...if a SO brings a third party in and decides to share those things with them it is cheating. You can term it however you'd like, but it's wrong to do and it hurts and it more often than not leads to more. I have a friend who was more upset her H shared the comings and goings of what the family was doing day to day than the actual sex...it was her life being 'given' to someone else and it crushed her.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Not only do I consider an EA as cheating, i don't even consider an EA as a real thing. Allow me to be blunt here for a second, and dust off my 'OW hat'. More than a few married/attached guys I was with thought this way too. That is what allowed it to become more. Its a slippery slope, and I was more than happy to help them further down it by validating their opinion that 'EAs' aren't bad by saying stuff like "we aren't doing anything wrong by being 'friends/spending alone time together/writing inappropriate emails' - its not like we are having sex'" and going from there. Once you hook them through the nose good and hard by building up nearly subliminal sexual tension through a "friendship" that they don't see as inappropriate, it is all coasting from there. They know what the slope is, and they are well aware of putting themselves at the top of it - they just want what they want, without having to feel bad about it (denial, basically).
carhill Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Another really cool aspect of being oblivious to the responsibility of an EA or inappropriate relationship is that, regardless of the damage which is done to one's primary relationship, the WS can move on to the next R or M and have a 'clear conscience' that they did 'nothing wrong' and will never admit that they 'cheated on their spouse'. Denial is a great psychological tool. Karma, OTOH, Men know when they're cheating. When they claim otherwise, they're lying. Indeed. My experience as a MM supports this perspective.
Woman In Blue Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 But i was wondering at what point does it become cheating in thier mind. could it be a hug that lasted too long. Maybe its when there is a kiss involved. Yet again some men may really think there has to be intercourse for it to be cheating. What are your thoughts. LOL..it probably isn't cheating in their mind - unless they're caught.
Spark1111 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Hmmmm....now that I have my Ph. D. in "affairology" folowing my fWS EA/PA with a fellow co-worker, let me run through my mental file-cabinet.... The minute you keep the "friendship," it's conversations and interactions a SECRET from your spouse, you have crossed the castle moat to an affair. EA or PA does not really matter. It is semantics. Period. Unless the MM/MW goes home and has a conversation that resembles this: "you know, I was talking to Ms. Blank, and I was discussing how bored and lonely I am in my relationship with you, and she agreed her marriage wasn't all she hoped for either! How about that?" hahahaha! Doubtful. Very doubtful.
Snowflower Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 IMO, for the most part the EA vs. PA distinction is really just semantics for the same thing...an AFFAIR. Early on in my reconciliation with my H, I used to make a big deal about the differences between an EA and PA...I now realize it doesn't matter because it's all betrayal. Although I have to admit that I do still get a bit worked up by the phrase I read here from time to time, 'it's JUST an emotional affair' as if an EA is somehow less hurtful to the BS. Whatever. To answer the original question I do think men tend to not classify an affair as an affair until the physical component begins. Up until that point, many men classify the affair relationship as friendship. How many times do you hear men (and women too, for that matter) when confronted by their BS with evidence, say 'hey, we're just friends?!' IMO, men say this because in their minds in some ways this is really what the A relationship really is... at least up until it goes physical.
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