Lost

[syrus10304]

Well I usually don’t post things like this on the net.. But I guess I am just looking for advice, maybe answers.. I'm not sure but here goes..

 

I guess a little info on us ,We have been married for almost 6 years, we didn’t marry young we were in our 30's she has a son(my step son) who is 22 does not live with us.

 

I just found out about 3 weeks ago that my wife says she needs to find herself, she says she loves me and always will Love me and that I am a great Husband , and I asked Her are you IN LOVE with me and she said yes & no . She says she just does not like living here in PA . We have had our ups and downs just like any marriage. And for the most part I would say a good one.

 

I’ll be honest I’m not that great, when I was younger I did a lot of things I’m not proud of mostly not holding down jobs as I should, doing drugs, drinking .. etc.. but that was before I met her . now I have a steady job driving a Semi-Truck . I was over the road being gone for 2-3 weeks at a time and before I did that I talked with her to make sure she had no problems with that . and even before someone says something about that , she said this started before I drove about 2 years ago. And before she even mentioned this I was getting a local route so I could be home every day and I told her that but that doesn’t have anything to do with it she said. driving local I am making more money than I was . let me back track a little. When we first were married I bought a house for us(an ok fixer upper) and pretty much gave her what she wanted I guess you can call her high maintenance .. she likes the fancy things and expensive things and I tried to give her what she wanted .

But like I said we had our fair share of problems like first off her son he is not a bad kid and was starting to do the things I did when I was younger I seen where he was going , (she however said all I did was pick on him she had him young ) let me explain, When we first got together her son was living with his father and then when I bought the house we gave him his own room and I had a few basic rules and some are keep your room clean , pickup after yourself, take out trash from kitchen to outside cans and then when garbage day comes take them to curb, same with recyclables . if you eat in your room and drink please bring dishes down. Also he wanted to quit school , I tried talking him out of it being I did that and told him that it was the wrong thing to do ,a few weeks went by and he was insistent on quitting , I guess he was going to do it .. now I told him if he does this he is going to have to get his GED , get a job and pay his own bills . I told him he would have to pay some rent and such , well that’s what I told him I didn’t want his money and my wife knew what I was doing basically I was going to put it in an account and give it to him later just to show him the REAL world aspects on life .. well that worked for a bit , then he lost his job (quit more like it ) and then would sit around the house all day sleeping and up all night watching TV .. well that was not going to cut it so me and my wife had a talk and I told her he has to get a job and find his own place I gave like 6 months. now maybe I was wrong .. so he sort of got a job and then moved in with his girlfriend.. only then to find out now he is doing heroin . he came to me first and told me about it ( didn’t even tell his mother or real father who by the way is still in the picture)and I told him I would help him. I got him into a rehab in 2 days .. that was about 2 years ago (hmm I know that’s what I’m getting at ) so after rehab about 3 to 4 times over the past 2 years that didn’t work , now he has no job can’t pay his bills and what money he does get he uses on heroin. after that I told my wife he is not allowed at the house at all until he cleans himself up and proves to us that he is clean, now here comes some more fun facts as I was out on the road my wife decides that she would try to help him , understandable it’s her son.. so she lets him stay here when I am on the road ( I knew about it , also come to find out she was paying for half of his bills working overtime and using that money or whatever money she could get to give to him ) one day she calls me when I’m 4 states away and said that he stole one of my guns and sold it to a drug dealer.. to long of a story but now I told her if he shows up at the house I would have him arrested ( I never pressed charges on the gun because all I wanted for him was to get the help he needed to get off the drugs) after I think the second time he was able to live with his real father , well seems like he stole from him as well .. and now he is homeless because nobody trusts him .. then after a few weeks go by .. we find out he did much , much more.. and to make a long story short he is in jail right now looking at 3-5 years .. So you can imagine how this is all affecting my wife .. well I got most of the blame because I made him leave . etc..

My wife went to counselors, and she had/is having a rough time with it. she stopped caring for herself and for the house letting clothes pile up not putting them away , not doing dishes and just getting more depressed, but I told her no matter where you go nothing will change he will still be where he is , and we will be where we are .. it seems to have started about 2 years ago and it seems like her son is the reason for what she is doing. she says I am controlling and that she feels like I don’t need her because I can do everything on my own .. well yes I can do everything on my own because I was on my own and I had to take care of relatives before we met .

Let me try to explain. about 15 years ago I was living at my grandmothers and aunts house because like I said I was no angel .. and had my fair share of going from job to job ( I almost was on the same self destructing route as my son(step son) anyway my aunt got sick years before she had her breast removed Due to cancer .. and was in remission for some time then things got worse .. so I was there and I took care of her then she passed away in 1995 , now my gram it seems after that started going downhill as well Alzheimer’s dementia etc.. well again I was there and I promised her I would take care of her ( I wouldn’t put her in a nursing home unless it was absolutely necessary) I had a real good job at the time I was a state corrections officer and it was a long trip to and from work plus working the 8 hours I was gone a lot and her disease was getting worse. My mom tried to have her stay with her but she would just pace at night and always be asking when am I coming to get her .. to take her home. I was all she knew along with my dog .. and then I resigned from corrections and took a local job so I can be there for her .. and one night ST Patrick’s day I was out having a few beers (next street over at my parents not getting sloshed) I decided to go home.. she was still up and I put her to bed , and I went upstairs to watch TV and I came downstairs and she was having trouble breathing so I called the ambulance and my mom .. and by that time it was too late she died in my arms . ..

So yeah I guess I might have been a little controlling but there were reasons I was used to being kind of in control taking care of them. My wife new all about this before we were married .. I tried giving her control .. told her she could do whatever she wanted with the house with the exception of having her son over the house . take care of bills balance check book .. whatever she wanted .

 

After we kind of had a talk when I was on the road about her wanting her space.. it killed me because I was 3 states away , my company was good I called them and they got me home ASAP .. and we talked when I came home and I thought things were going to be ok because she told me what I was doing wrong .I guess I was just complacent in our marriage , saying I love you all the time really doesn’t cut it , coming off the road and more less just wanting to be around the house .. I never was into really going out because when I was younger I did all that stuff ,going to bars , working in them . Hanging out with friends .. Partying .. etc. and I figured when I got married all my time effort and focus was on fixing the house and getting her what she wanted (more or less material things ) so I guess I’m at fault maybe not entirely but I guess I could have done things different , she says she doesn’t want to hurt me , and maybe things will work out just to give her 6 months to a year to let her see if that’s what she wants .. well that will kill me I love her so much and can’t be without her and I am afraid when she does go she will find someone else and I’ll wait for her and one day I will get a call saying she found herself and I’m not needed anymore .

To me it seems like she just wants to run away , not that I can blame her with what she went through, and I know I’ve seen a lot of advice from people on here saying let them go if they love you they will be back . I will post this if I think of more ill post that as well , it seems to kind of help just writing about it ..

Edited May 22, 2010 by syrus10304
took out hyper links

[trippi1432]

Sorry to see you here, but here's the truth....welcome to LS...now let her go.

 

Sorry, let me rephrase that....neither of you have been happy with each other...nothing but excuse after excuse....let her go find happiness so you can do, quit dragging each other down when love is not longer the reason you are together.

[hopesndreams]

Yes, your W is running away. She's been the complacent one, not you. If only the both of you worked together on getting her son on the right track, but she didn't listen, the son is now in jail and she's off and running. So easy to blame you for it all eh? While you kick yourself and find faults with yourself, she shirks all responsibility, heaps all the blame on you and leaves you. She seems like the type that has someone else to run to as well.

 

give her 6 months to a year to let her see if that’s what she wants

 

Don't be agreeable to this. Being agreeable is only giving her chance to see what/who else is out there. It would make you a doormat and a backup plan when she finds out the grass isn't greener. What are you supposed to do during this time? You pine away while she is out and about doing what/who ever she wants.

 

I’m not needed anymore .

 

You're not needed NOW. She will soon be gone, she has plans and you, well, you can keep working hard, go home to an empty house and experience the joys of being rejected and heartbroken and waiting for her to come to her senses. Why put yourself through that?

 

Find out if there is an OM in the picture. Investigate. Know what/who the enemy is. Do you honestly believe she will remain faithful while off doing her own thing? Is this the life you want for yourself?

[hopesndreams]

Sorry to see you here, but here's the truth....welcome to LS...now let her go.

 

Sorry, let me rephrase that....neither of you have been happy with each other...nothing but excuse after excuse....let her go find happiness so you can do, quit dragging each other down when love is not longer the reason you are together.

 

He loves his W. Where in that wall of text did you read otherwise?

[trippi1432]

He loves his W. Where in that wall of text did you read otherwise?

 

I didn't, she's running.....give it 3 more posts...he loves her...but they have both done wrong to each other....I learned with my marriage...live and let live. He's much happier now than he has ever been (WAS). Am I...never mattered anyway...didn't matter for 15 years....why should it matter now?

[DadofTwoGirls]

It matters now and always will till you stop breathing.

[trippi1432]

Then I stopped breathing 25 years ago...welcome my friend.

[tojaz]

Every story is different Trippi we cant go round pasting our face on every BS that posts a thread.

 

Syrus, I feel for ya man. You guys have a lot of drama to muddy the waters. While its hard, I honestly believe that she does need space, and I would suggest you give it to her. Not meaning a free pass to try the other 30 flavors mind you, just some time to be with her thoughts. Pressure is the last thing you want to put on her right now. Be supportive of her taking space so long as it is space for herself and not to be with someone else, I would also ask her if she would be willing to meet up with you for MC on a regular basis and if not, maybe just for a cup of coffee to compare notes.

 

In the mean time, I'll be the first to say time to work on you! Read some threads and read up on the 180. Educate yourself man, your in for the fight of your life!

 

Welcome to LS and keep posting

 

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

but they have both done wrong to each other.

 

What has he done wrong specifically?

 

Trippi, the same situation here. 10 years of my life was a lie and every memory is now tainted. It's in my past and the only way I can cope with that is by burying it, otherwise, it would destroy me and carry over into any future relationships. Unlike you, the blame for the demise of the M was all on him, not me.

 

Why is it those that were left must blame themselves? I refuse to fall into that trap. I am giving, loving and honest and the ex can't take that away from me. No one can.

[DadofTwoGirls]

hopes...you sound like my wife since she left me:love:

[trippi1432]

Every story is different Trippi we cant go round pasting our face on every BS that posts a thread.

 

Syrus, I feel for ya man. You guys have a lot of drama to muddy the waters. While its hard, I honestly believe that she does need space, and I would suggest you give it to her. Not meaning a free pass to try the other 30 flavors mind you, just some time to be with her thoughts. Pressure is the last thing you want to put on her right now. Be supportive of her taking space so long as it is space for herself and not to be with someone else, I would also ask her if she would be willing to meet up with you for MC on a regular basis and if not, maybe just for a cup of coffee to compare notes.

 

In the mean time, I'll be the first to say time to work on you! Read some threads and read up on the 180. Educate yourself man, your in for the fight of your life!

 

Welcome to LS and keep posting

 

TOJAZ

 

 

Yes, you are correct...didn't say it the way it should have been said. My Bad.

[trippi1432]

but they have both done wrong to each other.

 

What has he done wrong specifically?

 

Trippi, the same situation here. 10 years of my life was a lie and every memory is now tainted. It's in my past and the only way I can cope with that is by burying it, otherwise, it would destroy me and carry over into any future relationships. Unlike you, the blame for the demise of the M was all on him, not me.

 

Why is it those that were left must blame themselves? I refuse to fall into that trap. I am giving, loving and honest and the ex can't take that away from me. No one can.

 

No Hopes...it was both of us....you're ex doesn't take that from you, you give him the power to do that....think about it.

[trippi1432]

but they have both done wrong to each other.

 

What has he done wrong specifically?

 

Trippi, the same situation here. 10 years of my life was a lie and every memory is now tainted. It's in my past and the only way I can cope with that is by burying it, otherwise, it would destroy me and carry over into any future relationships. Unlike you, the blame for the demise of the M was all on him, not me.

 

Why is it those that were left must blame themselves? I refuse to fall into that trap. I am giving, loving and honest and the ex can't take that away from me. No one can.

 

My apologies H&D...I have decided to refrain from posting on LS for any future postings. Please ignore anything I have said up to this point.

[Gunny376]

No matter how you slice it, dice it nor serve it up you and the DW are in a very dysfunctional relationship that's come about over the course of the years. And the events that have occurred over the course of those years.

 

The simple fact of the matter is? There's already too much water over the damn and under the bridge to go back.

 

First off she cannot accept that here son is an addict. And until she accepts that fact? There's no chance for you and her. The fact that he's and addict and that she is enabling him in his addiction pretty much says it all. No matter what he does, or doesn't do? You are going to be the fall guy. Its because you did or didn't do this, or you didn't or did say say this that her son is the way that he is.

 

I know it hard ~ all day working in the hot summer sun hard from sun up until sundown? But the simple fact and matter of the situation is that you just need to cut your loses and leave ~ and get on with your life.

 

That's just the way it is. The DW needs IC, you need IC, the stepson needs to get into rehab, (BTW he won't be getting that in prison) and is in need of some serious couseling.

[syrus10304]

Thanks all for the advice , I know in my heart what I should do .. but as most of you know its not that easy .

[candymoon]

No matter how you slice it, dice it nor serve it up you and the DW are in a very dysfunctional relationship that's come about over the course of the years. And the events that have occurred over the course of those years.

 

First off she cannot accept that here son is an addict. And until she accepts that fact? There's no chance for you and her. The fact that he's and addict and that she is enabling him in his addiction pretty much says it all. No matter what he does, or doesn't do? You are going to be the fall guy. Its because you did or didn't do this, or you didn't or did say say this that her son is the way that he is.

 

I know it hard ~ all day working in the hot summer sun hard from sun up until sundown? But the simple fact and matter of the situation is that you just need to cut your loses and leave ~ and get on with your life.

 

That's just the way it is. The DW needs IC, you need IC, the stepson needs to get into rehab, (BTW he won't be getting that in prison) and is in need of some serious couseling.

 

Listen to Gunny, he's a very wise man.

 

I had a long term friend who's brother was a severe drug addict in the worst way. ANd their mother was in denial for so many years. This is the way it goes when a parent does not want to accept that their child is slowly killing themselves and destroying their lives.

 

Her codependence with her son's addiction ruined her marriage (2nd). She let him in the house, when he came in, he stole. She'd still turn around and give him money the next day. This went on for a least a decade before he wound up in jail on a drug related charge.

 

Really, I think the mother blamed herself for his addiction and couldnt let go. I think this might be the case with your wife. She has serious guilt about her son's addiction for whatever reason and will not be able to let go and be free to be with someone until she forgives herself for whatever she imagines she did to make her son this way. There will be years of this runaround... him coming and begging, her giving and crying, his taking, in and out jail, rehab, recovery, relapses and back to the drugs... and the cycle continues. I watched this happen for 10 or more years. And heard of it from several other acquintences. It is so very classic when there is an addicted adolescent or adult child.

 

There is nothing you can do to fix this. It is not your fault. It's not easy, but you will have to let go eventually. I'm sorry for you pain.

[You Go Girl]

I fail to see where the OP is doing anything wrong, or really, has, except he is apologizing all over the place. He says he has been controlling. Perhaps he has. But that isn't even the wife's complaint.

Now the wife has huge baggage with her son's addiction. But that son is in jail for years to come, and there's nothing she can do about that, nor hardly even see him except for monthly visits or whatever they allow. So she will be alone, while she has a husband that wants to be with her. If there's no affair going on, what is she running to?

Running from...definitely. But there's nothing to run to!

OP, you're on the road already, yes? So you're already away from home a lot?

I hardly see where this wife needs space. She has a husband on the road frequently already.

I say at least make a few last ditch efforts. Ask for a hug and then while hugging her (assuming she lets you) tell her that you love her very much and would do anything to help her and to help your marriage survive.

Ask her to see a marriage counselor with you, look her in the eye and tell her that you need her, and maybe, just maybe, she needs you.

Tell her that you want to be her rock of gibralter during these difficult times while her son is in jail.

Pamper her with a bouquet of flowers, make her dinner. This wife maybe just feels neglected, I don't know, but it's a possibility.

There's no reason to give up until you've fought the good fight.

If she refuses the hug, stomps on the flowers, and throws the dinner in the garbage, then you know she's adamant about separating.

This woman needs individual counseling for her depression over her son in jail. She's definitely in denial about who's fault it is that he is there. She may blame the husband, surely she blames herself too...the usual "where did i go wrong?" thing. She's transferred the guilt of losing her son to jail to herself. She needs some really good cries at a therapists office.

[syrus10304]

Thanks again for the replies, as for being the rock for her, said it many times. Even her son does not blame me for anything. Actually he respects me more than his real father. I really don’t think there is another man.. because she keeps insisting she loves me and does not want a divorce(just need some time to find herself ), and maybe when she gets settled in Florida that maybe I can move down there with her , as for flowers and such .. well that might be part of the reason, yes I did buy her flowers more when we first got married but seems where I slacked off on the so called "fluff" as she put it , like using terms of endearment and such .. And as for making dinner.. I love cooking and did 99% of it .. As for being away from home well I was now I am home every day and make more $ then I did when I was gone 2-3 weeks at a time.. She did go to counseling and told her counselor about what she wanted to do and the counselor told her she thought it was a good idea to do this .. ( nice counselor) and no it wasn’t a MC. I actually encouraged her to go see one I guess you can say she was a therapist

 

all i know is yes i will put up a fight till the very end I will be her Rock even if we do never get back together .. I have that much Love for her

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[You Go Girl]

Hey Florida is beautiful. Maybe your wife wants to feel good about life again, and looking at beauty, nature, and relaxation is going to help her. She must be damn stressed out.

I'd do this if she goes--make an appearance two weeks in. She needs to see you as part of the Florida change.

I do worry about her being there building a life without you there too though...that could spell disaster. She could find too much independence for a marriage to survive.

Maybe, you'll need to think of moving to Florida too, sooner rather than later?

[tojaz]

I fail to see where the OP is doing anything wrong, or really, has, except he is apologizing all over the place. He says he has been controlling. Perhaps he has. But that isn't even the wife's complaint.

Now the wife has huge baggage with her son's addiction. But that son is in jail for years to come, and there's nothing she can do about that, nor hardly even see him except for monthly visits or whatever they allow. So she will be alone, while she has a husband that wants to be with her. If there's no affair going on, what is she running to?

Running from...definitely. But there's nothing to run to!

OP, you're on the road already, yes? So you're already away from home a lot?

I hardly see where this wife needs space. She has a husband on the road frequently already.

I say at least make a few last ditch efforts. Ask for a hug and then while hugging her (assuming she lets you) tell her that you love her very much and would do anything to help her and to help your marriage survive.

Ask her to see a marriage counselor with you, look her in the eye and tell her that you need her, and maybe, just maybe, she needs you.

Tell her that you want to be her rock of gibralter during these difficult times while her son is in jail.

Pamper her with a bouquet of flowers, make her dinner. This wife maybe just feels neglected, I don't know, but it's a possibility.

There's no reason to give up until you've fought the good fight.

If she refuses the hug, stomps on the flowers, and throws the dinner in the garbage, then you know she's adamant about separating.

This woman needs individual counseling for her depression over her son in jail. She's definitely in denial about who's fault it is that he is there. She may blame the husband, surely she blames herself too...the usual "where did i go wrong?" thing. She's transferred the guilt of losing her son to jail to herself. She needs some really good cries at a therapists office.

 

Its not always about having something to run to. Sure the OM is common around here but not always. Many times its more just the need to run. I think Gunny hit the nail on the head. She cant accept what her son has become so she needs someone to blame. Sounds like she has a ton of stress in her life that is probably pretty overwhelming and a loving H that makes his living on the road.

 

Oh and Syrus, don't put to much weight into what she says the counselor told her to do. Many people when they are thinking about leaving look for justification and support where ever they can get it. An IC isn't going to fight for your marriage, shes going to do whats best for your wife Based on how your wife describes it! The first several sessions of IC are usually cutting through the BS. This was a very difficult thing for her to come and tell you and now that its out there, shes going to focus on being resolute in her decision so she doesn't have to go through that process again.

 

Sometimes being supportive and being the rock means putting yourself out for awhile. If she needs space, let her have it, but part ways in as loving a way possible. Make that memory of you two parting something she would want to run to, not run from....loving, comforting, free of pressure. Its going to hurt like hell but if your trying to convince her to stay your a goner, she needs to figure that out for her self, all you can do is stand in your best light when she gives you the opportunity.

 

TOJAZ

[syrus10304]

I have read everyones posts, and sorry if it seems like I focused on some and kinda quoted only some .and yes Gunny did hit a lot right on the head , one thing I didn’t mention I have dealt with the drug situation before sort of , I had family member that went through the same and unfortunaltly passed away. As for moving to florida , believe me it is a definite thought .. but I bought a house when we first got married and for me to sell it now would just put me in the hole(even considered renting ) but besides the point after all is said and done it just seems like I have to let her do what she wants and maybe if it works out it does .. but im not making promises to her.. and don’t expect her to make any to me . im not saying im giving up .. I do love her very much and would do anything in the world for her

But life goes on and will just make the best of it

[hopesndreams]

When is she leaving for Florida?

[syrus10304]

1st week of july.

[hopesndreams]

That gives you a month of both of you living under the same roof. As long as there isn't an OM in the picture, you can fight. Only, it doesn't look you are fighting. It's called the 180. It is the ONLY thing that stands a chance of working but you must be diligent. This is tough to follow but the results can be well worth it. It might bring her back from whatever lala land she is in and make her realize what she could be losing. If it doesn't, it prepares you for life without her, it will help you keep your self-respect and dignity.

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[syrus10304]

Thanx Hopesndreams,

I will try to do what you said , but doing some of the things on that list might seem to make it worse i think .I had a heart to heart talk with her the other night before you posted this, i was kinda doing some of the things .. and after we talked she said i thought i was giving up .. but clearly i am not .. I'll try to explain ..

she says its not over and does not want a divorce .and if i do some of the things on here it might make it seem like im giving up ..

I know i did things wrong and .....

like # 14 i think that would be a definite sign .. because thats one of her gripes .. and IS MY FAULT .. we barley did anything together im just a homebody ( she knew this when she married me but as she said she thought i would change )

#11 - she always says I love You . when we talk on the phone and she leaves for work , go to bed etc.. (which leads to #2 phone calls)

there are a few more but i wont comment on them ..

 

 

it seems like as she says she wants change.. but with me in her life .